Lester Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I guess it's possible I could have been hurting her although I really don't know although I have inquired about it before. She just always says it's nothing to do with me it's about her and how many issues she has Don't be fooled... It's most likely you. Smalley's book will prove that to you. When a man is hurt he gets mad, fights and moves on forgetting forever. WOMEN DO NOT DO THIS! When hurt by a careless husband they turn it into a brick and begin to build a wall. Her wall is high. Each brick must be removed one by one. It is done over years with one sorry at a time. Can't remember you say...don't worry she's got you covered in that department. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 I do remember one thing that I am thinking of now which was several months ago she was having a problem and thinking of leaving. Her problem was that I would come home talk to her for a few minutes and start checking email and such till dinner was ready. Upon her finally telling me that I stopped doing that and started sitting with her on the couch watching TV. Maybe what it actually wanted was not for me to sit with her watching TV but do more interacting with her. Which I did try at various points but got frustrated when I seemed to be getting rejected frequently Seems by the time she actually says anything about her problem it's when she's built it up enough that she wants to leave and me being a fixxer have to figure out how to fix it in a hurry although obviously I never truly fixed the problems I just thought that since she wasn't complaining there wasn't a problem Link to comment
tresqua Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Could have spent more time with him instead of purposely leaving just so I could let her get some stuff. I even text her earlier to ask if she was still coming down and she didn't bother to respond. She finally text me a couple of minutes ago to let me know Don't change your schedule to suit her needs. That one was easy Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Don't change your schedule to suit her needs. That one was easy yah that one was a lesson I learned the hard way that I won't repeat Link to comment
Lester Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 That's it for me today... but a word of caution. Divorce sucks... I mean really sucks. You will not like it. The forever promised rainbow in new relationships may also let you down. Reason, most men never look in the mirror and therefore repeat their mistakes. Yep it may be too late, (most men seek help way too late), but at minimum you should learn so it never happens again. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 That's it for me today... but a word of caution. Divorce sucks... I mean really sucks. You will not like it. The forever promised rainbow in new relationships may also let you down. Reason, most men never look in the mirror and therefore repeat their mistakes. Yep it may be too late, (most men seek help way too late), but at minimum you should learn so it never happens again. thank you for all your advice. I will be taking it to heart and i will try to do the things you told me to try One thing I am certain though is this new affair will probably not last Link to comment
tresqua Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 One thing I am certain though is this new affair will probably not last Most affairs, and relationships for that matter, do not last. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 After reading all of this thread, I have to interject some other thoughts on the issue. Not all situations are the same. The Walkaway Spouse Syndrome, that seems to be being rebuked lately on this forum, is a generalization used to describe similiar events and situations that spouses find themselves in. When it is said, in this case, it is not about her, I disagree. The way to re-establish a connection with your wife may in fact be mostly up to you. "The Divorce Remedy" reinterates this position many times. With that in mind, she does seem to have alot of issues within herself. Bi-polar depression is a serious illness that leads to many decision making and perceptional problems for those inflicted. How can it be not about her? Your reactions to her, as well as her reactions to you are the key to dealing with any person and even more so in intimate relationships. Acting confident is the not the same as being non-reactive. The latter is much more productive and healthy on your part. Seeing through your thoughts and the thus created emotional reactions will free you of their negative impacts. Confidence is a natural result of freeing onesself from the ego's harmful compulsion to react, usually in the forms of denouncement, anger, sadness, resentment, etc., that so often brings on destructive events in relationships. The issues that she may have personally, show up in her reactions (rational or not) to whatever stimuli that she may perceive she is receiving. Owing up to the mistakes that we have made in our intimate relationhips (and we all make them) is growth. It is a great thing to accept the truth no matter how bitter a pill it is to swallow. Trying to take total responsibility for the demise of the relationship does not seem the rational way to go if it is not true. That seems to be trying to re-establish the connection based on a falsehood as much as trying to place the entire blame on the other person. There are those that seem to believe that the suffering that they are experiencing is being caused entirely by the intimate relationship that they are in. And if they get out of it, they will be "happy" again. Sorry, but when this perception compells them to Walkaway, they may find out that they have the same issues to either deal with (hopefully) or deny that it is their problem and begin the cycle again. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 So I called her and told her we needed to talk...she asked what we needed to talk about and I told her for one we need to talk about some of the issues..she said there are no issues I want a divorce..and then said she wanted to come over to shower and we can talk more about it Link to comment
tresqua Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 she said there are no issues I want a divorce..and then said she wanted to come over to shower and we can talk more about it She wants to mediate your divorce while showering? Is this some sort of wacky new trend? Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 No her brother hasn't had hot water in quite some time so he has been coming over here to shower for the last month or so. Guess she felt like she should follow in his footsteps. Was the hardest conversation I think I have ever had with her but I remained confident throughout the whole thing and told her that I won't deny her a divorce because either way I'll be okay in the end. She said she wanted this to end on a good note and hoped we could be friends in the end because I've been her best friend for so long. I told her that I haven't felt like her best friend in quite awhile but right now might not be the time to try because if she is for sure she wants a divorce then I need to start piecing my life back together. Link to comment
Lester Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 So I called her and told her we needed to talk...she asked what we needed to talk about and I told her for one we need to talk about some of the issues..she said there are no issues I want a divorce..and then said she wanted to come over to shower and we can talk more about it "I want a divorce" That's a normal response. Trust me... she has no idea what she wants. Her statement gives her a feeling of power and allows her to live the fantasy for a little longer. You're going to pop that bubble. Link to comment
Lester Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Was the hardest conversation I think I have ever had with her but I remained confident throughout the whole thing and told her that I won't deny her a divorce because either way I'll be okay in the end. She said she wanted this to end on a good note and hoped we could be friends in the end because I've been her best friend for so long. I told her that I haven't felt like her best friend in quite awhile but right now might not be the time to try because if she is for sure she wants a divorce then I need to start piecing my life back together. Good for you lad! Now start moving forward with making yourself into the most datable man on the block. Do not worry about anything else at this moment. Do not do any work for her. Be loving, (listen) and gracious but only think about improving yourself. Don’t be fooled…she is not done with you. Do not cheat or see other women! Only improve. Preserve your honor. You will need it one day! Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Right now I'm trying to figure out exactly what made her fall in love with me to begin with and try to see if I can reproduce that. I know she said before we got married that I seemed happier so before and after the conversation I joked around quite a bit with both her and her brother. Not happy at all but I don't want her to know that this is killing me inside. She sent me a text last night saying she was going to bed and that she would talk to me today. I replied back with "ok" and when she sent another text saying "nite" I didn't reply back at all. I didn't say any "I love you's" or anything like that. Her brother is insistent that it's not over between us yet but like you said I got to figure out how to improve myself. Which right now I've been going for a lot of works to lose a couple of pounds and whipped out my weight set last night. I've got a couple of job interviews to go to here shortly for a part time job so that will at least keep me busy for a little while today Link to comment
Lester Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Hi John, You ask, “How can it be not about her?” John it can, and must be. She is too far into her power trip which is buoyed by the careful manipulation of the other man. Almost every thing the husband does at this stage will be viewed as weakness. Wives want strong husbands. This is his chance to prove it. He can’t change her but he can change himself. That’s power not weakness. Is there is a time and place for the wife’s inclusion…absolutely! But not now. Only once she has done her “look back” and starts to move back to her husband. When a wife leaves it creates a mind haze in husbands. This haze is similar to that of war. Two main elements are; 1. The Freeze. The blinding agony to concentrate while someone is trying to kill you. 2. Denial. Even though the days gore is fresh in the soldier’s minds they can laugh, eat and go to sleep without cleaning their weapons. The cure is clear single-mindedness. (Ulysses S. Grant was by no means the most qualified but his simple orders to kill the enemy everyday won a war.) Husbands because of their egos are especially prone to mind haze. Only simple, singular suggestions will most likely be absorbed in the panic stage of a potential divorce. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 That sounds familiar but I can't place it. what exactly does it mean? Currently I was going to try Michele's Last Resort Technique which is basically just focus on me and not initiate any contact with her. Which it seems counter productive but if it works it would be well worth it. I'll agree with a haze for sure because I know my mind is really cloudy at the moment trying to sort all this out. I am wondering if the relationship with the other man is over now. I don't want to jump the gun on thinking that. Me being a glutton for punishment and I need to not do this I looked at her facebook and she had made 2 posts both after we had talked Sometimes i wonder when this thing inside of me that frightens everyone will just go away and finally let me know peace. The world uses me and takes what it wants. Then leaves me broken on the side of the road. When is it ever going to be enough? Now I got a couple of job interviews to go to for part time jobs. I'll post when I get back. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 One job interview down one more to go to here in 30 minutes. My wife text me earlier. She was supposed to be coming over tonight to shower because her brother doesn't have hot water she sent me a text saying plans changed and she probably wasn't going to be home tonight (her brothers house) Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 She text me a few minutes ago to tell me she is probably going to do the divorce online since I'm not contesting it. I asked her when she was going to do it she said probably next month after her and her brother get moved I would have thought she would have wanted to wait awhile to make sure it's what she wanted Link to comment
Lester Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Marriage is all about contact. Unconditional NC will be viewed as, “you see I was right, he doesn’t love me” NC will not cure a failing marriage. Instead try “No Needy Contact” NNC. Example; You said, “She sent me a text last night saying she was going to bed and that she would talk to me today. I replied back with "ok" and when she sent another text saying "nite" I didn't reply back at all. I didn't say any "I love you's" or anything like that.” After she said “nite” you should have replied back. “Goodnight (her first name)” It’s contact, but not needy. -------------------- A loving husband is always there for a balanced relationship with his wife. Once I gave up on my wife I decided to try Smalley’s techniques as practice for my future wife. (Yep, really weird) I came home and gave her a truly loving kiss for a split moment stared in her eyes and said how you doing. Broke off and walked away. For the rest of the night see looked at as if I was a Martian. (It’s all she ever wanted in the first place.) Every husband can look for hope...never let her see it. Do not read face book or post to any similar blog. Use only face to face, voice to voice communication. They all have the potential for manipulation, false hope and mind games. You don't need this in your life now. P.S. Do not search for hope. It’s a sign of weakness. Let other’s see you as somewhat aloof. Act as if you’re almost not even interested. (Not talking) Link to comment
Lester Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 She text me a few minutes ago to tell me she is probably going to do the divorce online since I'm not contesting it. I asked her when she was going to do it she said probably next month after her and her brother get moved I would have thought she would have wanted to wait awhile to make sure it's what she wanted The above means nothing. Ignore it. (The game of hurt.) Instead think of the some callious thing you said to her recently. When talking to her in the future, (not by electronic means, and yes she will be talking to you!), out of the blue, mention the offense and apologize with no conditions. Then shut up. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 So should I call her just to talk or should I be waiting for her to call me? So I should be the one to say goodbye more or less in events like she is going to bed then? Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 The above means nothing. Ignore it. (The game of hurt.) Instead think of the some callious thing you said to her recently. When talking to her in the future, (not by electronic means, and yes she will be talking to you!), out of the blue, mention the offense and apologize with no conditions. Then shut up. Well it hurt that's for sure. I really didn't know how to respond to that so I just said ok. if that's what you really want she never did reply back...of course her lunch break was almost over at that time Link to comment
Lester Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 So should I call her just to talk or should I be waiting for her to call me? So I should be the one to say goodbye more or less in events like she is going to bed then? Normally in your situation she would be the one to call, (she stepped over your line), unless you have a non-romance question. Instead of thinking whose calling/saying goodbye, think about how you want her to feel when she hangs up. You want her to pause and stare at the phone and think...who is this guy? Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 So for instance if she texts me to say she's not coming over because she is going to stay with a friend just say something like "ok. Have fun Kim" I've been trying to not talk about our relationship too much with her because she gets irritated if it's talked about too much. Link to comment
hollowed454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Oh yah and supposed to have Gary Smalley "If he only knew" between June 24, 2011 - June 25, 2011 and James Dobson "Love Must Be Tough" between June 24, 2011 - July 1, 2011 Link to comment
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