Am I dating a momma's boy?

[tacotac]

I will admit, I landed a better paying job this past fall, still living at home till I pay my car off

I got last year as well, which will be payed off this August. Then I plan to move out after that.

My mom does help me with things, mostly because we have a tenant down stairs and she wants

to make sure no one goes down there to do laundry in the afternoon to disturb her, otherwise

I would be doing it myself! I appreciate what my mom does, but I don't necessarily put her

on a pedestal, and I do a lot of my own things independently. It's what I wish to do, what

makes me happy.

 

My boyfriend on the other hand was raised by a single mom. Talks of her like she is an

incredible god send, who was brought up never disciplined *not kidding*. He spends a lot

of his free time playing video games. He doesn't have a job. His mom is on aid, he is on aid,

his mom helps him out so that he can stay on aid by filling out his paperwork and calling

important people to set up appointments and such. He lives on his own for a couple of years,

3 hours away from his mom, but I find it weird that when he goes to visit her, he packs his

car with a month's worth of laundry he hasn't done, so that he takes it up to her, and she

does it for him, even though he has the ability and time to do it where he lives. He just

graduated with another degree, and is looking for a job, but does not put much priority on it

as much as playing video games/facebook games the majority of the day, because the feeling

of being depressed and anxiety keeps him from looking for any more jobs he says. When he

was going to school, I found out that his mom is the one that actually registered him for classes???

She emailed him his schedule. She calls to remind him to pay his rent. In some ways it really

disturbs me because he always talks of her that she does so much for him, he doesn't

know what to do with out her. She is helping him by sending him some links for jobs, I

noticed the jobs are further away from where I work and closer up by where she lives.

 

He goes to doctor appointments, and many times scheduled the same time as his mom's.

He talks to her every day almost, sometimes several times a day, email and phone,

has her make many of his decisions since he doesn't know how. He seeks her advice constantly,

and she comes down for visits and stays over at his place to help him with things. I ask him

what he will do when she's gone. At one point he said the house his mom owns, that we could

both move in to the house together with her. I didn't care for the idea that much. When I

went up to stay at his house where his mom lives, he would always make me sit in the back

seat of the vehicle alone, and he would sit up by his mom. Ok, well it is funny when we would go

somewhere with my mom recently, I would try it on him, and let him sit alone in the back seat, and

he was upset over the idea, and wondered why I wasn't sitting in the back with him, and I told him

why. I also remembered the day that he moved into his apartment. His mom came to help, but his

bed wasn't there yet. He asked if I could bring up a queen sized air mattress for his mom to

sleep on. He also asked me to stay the night at the place with him, which I said ok. He also had his

own personal air mattress, which I found out was one person as well, and then he asked me to

sleep on the floor.

 

I just want to be able to move out into my own place with my significant other and be our own

nucleus family and be independent for the most part without him having to depend on his mom

every week for everything from scheduling his doctor's appointments, to helping him pay his bills,

to suggesting him how he should live his life in ways more dependently. I also noticed he likes to be

catered to, even from me.

[jumper11]

He sounds pretty dependent / and focused on her... What you're telling me.......are red flags.. mom issues aside, but behaviorally..........

 

Please be careful.. it can become a problem. My ex was one, and when the mom became mentally ill, it ruined our relationship.. and was a big factor in the relationship falling apart. Sometimes you'll feel second, or they'll tell the mom about your past sex life , or whatever. It can become serious, depending on the boyfriend obviously.

[punk76]

His mom is important to him. Not a plus or a minus, just how he is. There are worse things.

[jumper11]

But the warning sign is he doesn't work at all, neither does she......both relying on aid, not self-reliant..... im not judging, I just went through these issues , along with the 'come live with my mom'... hits too close to home........ it can become a vicious cycle. Moving with her, ANOTHER huge issue......... I have been through all this. I lived with mine and his mom...along with the issues.If he's planning that, TRUST Me, the hardest thing is he might never want to leave her, or keep delaying, and you'll want a relationship.

[chitown9]

Tacotac, what do you see in him? Seriously...

[abitbroken]

I just want to be able to move out into my own place with my significant other and be our own

nucleus family and be independent for the most part without him having to depend on his mom

every week for everything from scheduling his doctor's appointments, to helping him pay his bills,

to suggesting him how he should live his life in ways more dependently. I also noticed he likes to be

catered to, even from me.

 

Wrong answer. You want to move out by yourself to establish your own routine, and pay your own bills and put both feet firmly on the ground before you can even think of "creating a nucleus family". The only way that will happen with this young man is if you, he, and his mom become a family unit and you are treated like another child. I think the biggest issue for me is 1) He is on assistance and he doesn't seem to mind. What is the reason? If he is perfectly healthy, he should be working instead of playing video games all day. If he is going to school, then he should be working part time and applying for grants and scholarships and loans. Public assistance isn't for the convenience of folks - it is to get folks on their feet. I suspect his mom is used to it, so is encouraging him to continue the cycle. Sure, he might finish with school and be able to get a job that advances him, but for right now, it doesn't appear that if he doesn't he is thinking that he is going to rise above it all. If he did, he'd be chasing after internships, working, etc.

 

2) The way he treats you. If he appreciates being catered to, and puts you in the back seat or on the floor, he is very self-centered. It seems he comes first, mom comes second, and you come third. Or maybe mom comes first.

 

3) If you end up with him, you are going to have to just accept that mom will run the show, or you will have to take over what his mom does. He won't do so for himself. Or you'll end up supporting them both.

 

4) As far as the laundry - if he doesn't have a washing machine - its fine for him to go do a bunch of laundry at his mom's - but really - a 3 hour trip - he should do some laundry at the laundromat sometimes.

 

I think that you really, really want to find a guy to settle down with from what you are saying and you happen to be with him right now - please, look a little harder. This young man doesn't appear mentally or emotionally ready to be in an adult, mutual, give and take relationship.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'll bet his mom can't wait until you take her job.

[faithful14]

He's a man child; he looks like a grown man but in many ways functions like a little, needy child. He depends on his mom for everything. It really isn't an issue for me if guy is close to his mom- calls her often, spends time with her- that's all good in my book. . He hasn't grown up yet and it seems like his mom doesn't mind picking up the slack.

 

Sounds like she pretty much does everything for him other than breathing and wiping his ass.

[Kamik]

Tacotac - I was that male, playing video games, suffering from depression and anxiety, and not putting any effort into getting a Job. After maybe 3 years into the relationship, my girlfriend had enough...

 

She told me to get a job in 2 weeks, or she's leaving.

Real eye opener for me, within 2 weeks I had a job.

 

Where are we now? It's been 6 years now, we both work at the same place, we both get paid well, we built our house, got a mortgage, got two cards, got our licences, I went to many therapy sessions through out all this and on medication...anyway...the point to all this? sometimes (depending on the person of course) you have to put the fear of god into them, tell him you'll leave, you have had enough, maybe he'll get his priorities straight?

[tacotac]

That sounds like a good idea Kamik. I'm not married to him yet! My mother says our wedding should be

postponed until he has a job. I told him personally if he doesn't have a job, I'm not going to wait, and I

am planning to move up closer to my job in the fall with or without him. He is stubborn, and if he has to

he may have to take a job outside of his field. He ain't gonna like hearing that! That said, unless the

job is a lower end job, it may be harder for him to find anything as a lot of places want you to have

experience in the said field. Oh, and he has a laundry facility where he lives.

[abitbroken]

If he is motivated to get a job, he'll beg his professors to give him a glowing letter of recommendation.He'll volunteer for an organization related to his field. Let's say his field is social work, pediatrics, or psychology - then volunteer for an org that benefits kids. If he is in the computer area - why not volunteer helping a local grass roots non profit with their website or volunteer to tutor seniors to be comfortable on the computer. This kind of experience earns you points for "experience." Also, btw, my dad works in a field where he calls on doctors, etc, and he helped my step cousin get his foot in the door on a hospital job. It wasn't a high level one - but he got his foot in the door by recommending him. It didn't get him the job, but got him an interview and the rest was up to him. So sometimes a helping hand helps. If its acting, he'd take something with flexible hours, take a job at the box office at the local live theater, or something . I have a feeling being on asisstance he has no motivation to change things because he's comfy. Or he doesn't know how. I would absolutely stick to your guns. You don't want a man that you will be cleaning up after the rest of his life and I don't mean just his socks.