HE WANTS TO FEEL FREE

[Someone2003]

I have got married 6 months ago, after living 1 year with him. After we got married, the relationship has changed, perhaps too much routine. I did not know something was going so wrong until he expressed his unhappyness, he feels he has lost his freedom and did not like the routine we are... in one of the last conversations he suggest to be open-minded... and be able to accept extra marital relations..

 

I was shocked because I am from a very conservative background and before we never had the idea of being with someone else. He claims he has lost his freedom and even he has not been with someone yet he would like to feel free to meet new women and perhaps eventually have casual sex without the fear that this would end our relationship or that he does not love me... he does not want to get divorce because he says he still love me and want to be with me and being my husband, he thinks our relationship will be better if both of us feel that freedom again, he will tolerate if I decided to have sex with someone different as long we are sure I/he will be back to him/me and we continue together.

I have tried to understand him but I am too conservative, I am not sure if he is facing a shocked of his new condition as a husband, or if the relationship is lost, or perhaps is a fear that men suffer sometimes.

 

I would like to know some opinions and experiences similar to this... as I am very confussed, I do not want to leave him but I feel I can not accept those new conditions... I would like to help him to recover his freedom and show him that being married is not living in a prison, but also that I do believe in fidelity... Thanks

[paul475]

...is let go of people we can not give ourselves to comfortably.

 

I know how much this hurts. I've been here. Ouch.

 

We spend so much time in church learning how to love others that we never learn how to love ourselves. That makes loving others as we love ourselves next to impossible.

 

You already know what you have to do to remain true to yourself. You need to find the safest possible port for the upcoming storm. That means locating a therapist you can trust. That means cultivating six very close and trustworthy friendships with women who have no investment in your relationship with your husband. Try going to a codependents anonymous or al-anon 12 step group meeting. The people you will need to stand by you are most likely to be found there.

 

Everyone has at least one of these relationships in their history. Once you get yourself situated, you can begin unwinding what went south on you in your partnership selection process....

[john one]

It's possible that you're right about the "shock" factor of your husband "losing his freedom", BUT it seems he is letting this situation get his brain TOO far from reality. We all know what marriage is SUPPOSED to be about -committment, love, compromise, understanding, etc. He seems to be losing sight of all of that. He is taking what he has for granted by focusing TOO much on his own fantasy of what a happy life should be (casual sex with multiple partners? give me a break) and not considering YOUR position enough. He needs something to bring him back down to planet earth. Maybe you can remind him of what the word -marriage- means, remind him that HE made the decision to settle down with you, make him respect you, all with carefully chosen words. Men and women it seems, almost always take things for granted if the oppurtunity is there. We all need a little (or big) "wake up call", or scare, or some kind of learning experience to make us realize "the big picture", to bring us back down to earth when our head is in the clouds. It seems your husband in particular, is in DESPERATE need of this. Unfortunately, there may or may not be hope for your marriage and part of your mission from now on might be to slowly try to accept that possibilty and gain strength in yourself as an individual. To become a woman who is not dependent on a man (especially one who does not respect her values, concerns, and needs) for her happiness. It's possible (not definite), that for your husband to come to any kind of realization, your marriage might have to be sacrificed. It's even possible that your husband will have to go through numerous failed relationships and marriages before finding out what it truly mean to be in a serious, loving, committed, positive relationship. I hope for your sake, that turns out not to be true. It's difficult, I know. My girlfriend of seven years left me a week ago because she wasn't sure of what she wanted in life. I still want her as my lifemate more than anything in this world, but I'm doing my best to accept any outcome (difficult as it may be) and focus on developing my own being, who I am, the things I've got to do, the things I want to do, and to find happiness with myself. In the end, I will respect myself more, she will respect me more, and whether I end up alone for a long time coming, or she realizes what a good catch I was and comes back to me, things will be for the better. Do your best to live your life. Work towards finding comfort in living regardless of the outcome of your relationship -and believe me, it IS work. I hate all of those sayings that people tell us to comfort us -like, there are plenty of fish in the sea, etc., etc. Because we've heard them a million times. So I'm not going to tell you one of those, but I will tell you one theory that I heard an author say. He said that each of us, in our lifetimes meet at least 5 perfect soulmate-type matches for us. We always think of our current loves as "the only one for me", etc., but if there is any truth to what that author said, there is hope for us yet.