Can I ONLY grow on my own? Bf-free?

[belle4]

HI i just wanted a concensus on what people think about this. Do you really think personal growth can mainly occur without a boyfriend? I'm 21 and one of the reasons my ex broke up with me was because he wanted to be independent and single and grow on his own and wanted me to be too. Is that honestly a valid reason? Couldn't we have still grown in a relationship? Opinions?

[sisterlynch]

Yes, of course you could grow in a relationship, however people are more likely to not grow in a relationship, because it is a shelter. It is a protected area that is all nice and safe, unlike the real world which is a jungle.

 

WE grow when we get tired of always facing the same kinds of situations and our former coping skills aren't working anymore.

 

Then we need to develop new coping skills that will equal the difficulty of the situation. For some people this is very difficult. We tend to hold on to things too long, we grow complacent and then when something happens, we tend to blame ourselves rather than looking for the real reason for things occurring or we could be putting all the blame upon ourselves and none of the blame on the situation that we are handling as being new and significant.

[shes2smart]

I think you can grow if you're in a relationship, but that growth will be different than the growth you can attain when you're alone.

 

A relationship is a great place to learn things like: acceptance, tolerance, compassion, negotiation, giving and receiving, compromise, communication, and trust. At the very least, a relationship is a great place to learn what sort of person you don't want to be with.

 

Being alone is a great time to learn things like: self-sufficiency ("I don't NEED someone else around to get my needs met") self-trust, self-love (VERY critical to having a good relationship), keeping yourself entertained, independence, your own personal likes/dislikes and personality quirks.

 

Knowledge gained while you're not in a relationship will help you create a healthy relationship when you choose to get into one.

 

I think it's easier to experience personal growth when you are single, primarily because there's no one else you have to answer to. It was one of the things I liked about being single--only other "person" I had to take into consideration on a daily basis was my employer....and only because I like getting a regular paycheck. Otherwise, I could do what I wanted, when I wanted....if I wanted to listen to the same song 50 times in a row at 2 in the morning--no problem (well, as long as I had the CD, but you get the idea). If I wanted to go horseback riding in the desert southwest for vacation, I didn't have to negotiate that with anyone or compromise by taking a shorter ride on an easier trail. (Although, the way I felt after the 8-hour-up-and-down-the-mountain ride, I think maybe I should've gone for the shorter ride on the flat ) Sometimes, you can't do things like that if you're in a relationship because there is someone else to take into consideration.

 

Each situation offers its own unique set of lessons, benefits and drawbacks. Neither is better or worse than the other. Over the course of a lifetime experiencing both single and coupled life will give you a wide and varied range of lessons. Trick is to learn to appreciate where you are in the present moment and not waste time bemoaning the fact that you're not in the other state.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s

[belle4]

Wow, you both have awesome insight....i guess I'm sitting here and I need to realize i can be happy regardless what situation I'm in. I understand why my ex chose to do this but it still hurts because we were so serious. I think I took it way too personal at first but I guess I really admire the fact that he WANTED to be self-sufficient, and wanted that for me too. (there were also some other problems).

 

He said the door was open for possibilities but we shouldn't wait for each other. It's just so hard. I'm really not interested in anyone else or a relationship at this point. And sometimes it is hard to put all the focus on yourself when you are so used to giving to someone else. Thanks for your responses tho, they made a lot of sense.

[Angel88]

If it's a good relationship, you can still experience personal growth. I'm a newlywed, and I've grown quite a bit in the past few months. My husband and I will grow together....

 

Good luck!

[Mun]

You can grow within a relationship if both maintain a sense of independence and maturity. Keep your own interests and your own friends to do things with outside of the couple. Having your own life outside of each other creates a healthy, loving relationship.

[lucy9089]

Is your ex-boyfriend a lot older/younger than you? Or do you have lots of interests that don't intersect? Would you say you or him was more emotionally mature?

 

If you could answer these questions I might be able to provide you with some insight.

[Sugar]

I've been kinda thinking the same, the onlydifference is I'm married, with two young children. We're both 23, and this week I am starting university, only on some part time courses, but hope to start a degree within the next couple of years. My husband has never been academic, he's not stupid or anything, academic stuff is ust not his cup of tea so to speak, and he's happy doing his job. He is also quit ehappy to just have a normal everyday life, go to work, come home, go to work, come home, everyday, maybe sometimes doing something a bit different. However, I want change. I've been a stay at home mum for the past 4 years, and I'm going to university to try and get a little bit of my old self back, but I'm scared about doing this. Before I met my husband I was quite an outgoing person, with good friends, and a good social life. We went through the whirlwind romance thing, and I became pregnant with our first child a year after we met. Since then I've become a bit shy, and don't go out much, I find it hard to talk to people about stuff, cause I don't usually have much to talk about. I know this will probably change as I meet new people at university, however, in a way I am worried of the change in myself, as I become more confident and go on to get a career, in that perhaps my husband and I will no longer be as close, or have as much in common. I really want to travel after I've gone through university, and I know that it would be a fantastic opertunity for my children to see some of the world, something I've never had the chance to do, however my husband says that he likes being somewhere he knows, and isn't that bothered whether he lives he for the rest of his life. I want to get the most out of life, and want to grow as a person in my own right, aswell as a mum and wife. My husband does fully support me in my decision to go to university, and is happy for me, thought I should point that out.