I am miserable and need advice!

[lila666]

I started dating this guy around two and a half months ago, and he had just broken up with his gf of a year about three weeks prior to us dating. we had talked about how he was just getting out of a serious relationship and had a lot of emotions and such still going on and had decided to take it very slow. The more time we spent together, the more I felt for him, unlike any other guy I had ever dated before. The other day he saw his ex for one of the first times since they had broken up and that night we decided it would be better if we just stayed friends right now while he sorts everything out. at the time I thought it was great and I was fine, but the next morning I woke up miserable, and all I want is him back, with me. I understand his situation, and he explained that he does indeed have feelings for me, but this is bad timing, and he still does have feelings for his ex as well. I have been in his situation before and realize that you do need time to heal and get over the other person and what not, but I'm terrified that he will get back with her, and I'll just be the lonely "friend" left in the cold. The people around me tell me he just needs time to get over this and sort everything out. and he himself has told me that he knows why he broke up with her, and hard as it was for him, it was what he needed to do for himself. If he goes back to her, will it last, or will he realize why he broke up with her in the first place? should I do the nc thing? should I be patient and wait for him to sort all this out, or move on and save myself any more heartache? I'm trying to be optimistic, but at the same time I dont want to get my hopes up only to be hurt again in the end.

[EatZ]

There's no way to predict the future I'm afraid.

 

There are definite trends though, and a lot of them you'll be able to take comfort in since they more or less benefit your situation!

 

If he does go back to his ex, it'll be destined to the exact same failure as the first unless there are some TRULY drastic changes. Now that they've had this break-up things won't be 100% the same between them anymore. It'll be uncomfortable in a lot of ways, and there's likely to be a little aloofness too. This will remind them (or him at least) of why they broke up, and it could end again just as quickly as it started.

 

A break-up can be extremely hard on a person though, and 3 weeks is barely any time for him to have started thinking about another relationship. It has been a while now since they've been broken up though, so I'm willing to bet that over that time he's managed to wade through some of his thoughts and feelings for the ex. As long as he hasn't been in constant contact with his ex, I'm sure he's more or less moved/moving on from her.

 

The fact of the matter is he's still hurting. He hasn't had time to be with himself, and he's realising now that this what he needs before he can open up again. He might only need to be by himself for a few weeks, or it could be a great deal longer. There's no way to tell. The best thing you can do for him is give him what he needs right now. Stay friends for as long as you can handle and don't push him. Be there for him. Show him you can be the most understanding person in his life and stick by him through the good and the bad. He'll never forget you if you do that for him.

 

If he goes back to his ex however, I'd strongly recommend leaving him and not looking back. He has to respect that you're sacrificing your own happiness to do this, and if he's willing to string you along like that then he doesn't deserve you at ALL.

 

I hope that helps a little. Take care lila!

[aphrodite1211]

Just be his friend.

 

Don't get too emotionally involved because he is very vulnerable at this time. It may take 6 months or so (depending on the quality of his previous relationship) because he will be ready for to start a healthy relationship.

 

Keep your opions open. There is no ONE Mr. Right, there are several!

[lila666]

thank you, youre advice made me feel better and is much appreciated. He is supposed to call me tonight, we're supposed to be doing the whole "friends" thing, although I'm not sure I can handle just hanging out with him and pretending these feelings just dont exist anymore. we shall see what happens.

[craigblitz]

If you are not sure about the friends thing then do not do it.. Look out for you

[lila666]

okay so he was SUPPOSED to call me tonight, but as of yet he hasnt, and I dont think he will. I WANT to be friends with him, and I AM willing to wait around until he gets through everything he has to get through, but at the same time, I read other peoples posts about how theyve been dating so and so for soo long and they break up and want each other back, get back together and everythings peachy and I'm so paranoid that thats what will happen for him and his ex. he hasnt known me for as long, there isnt as deep of a bond as he must have with her. but he broke up with her for a reason, I agree that it wont last if they get back together. whats worse is that I work with him, so I'm bound to be seeing him all the time. How am I supposed to act around him? I dont want it to turn awkward, but at the same time I'm soo resentful, I will find it hard to be pleasant, or even get up the nerve to talk to him. but I dont want to pretend he doesnt exsist, and nothing happened between us. I feel pathetic waiting around for his stupid phone call, which is probably at this point never going to come. if he DOESNT want to be friends, or call me then he shouldnt say anything in the first place. He said he doesnt want me to be resentful, or angry towards him, and I told him and myself that I wouldnt be, but this is so hard and I'm getting so angry at him and myself for feeling like this.

[lila666]

update: though no one has posted anything new, so I doubt anyone cares. lol

he DID call me the next day, but it just turned me into an emotional wreck. I didnt know what to say, or how to act. I'm trying to be pleasant, but not TOO nice, trying to do the whole nc thing by not talking too long, not talking about how much I miss him or want him back, etc.

I think that if he does get back with his ex, it wont last, but I'm also paranoid that maybe it will last...

ah well. maybe I should just move on?

[r6a6r6]

"....no one's posted anything new, no one cares....."

 

Trust me, people care.

 

How do you know that he'll go back to his ex? You said he just went on saw her once? I wouldn't be too insecure about it. Have you talked to him about it? Don't act jealous about it, just tell him how you feel about it.

 

I can relate to what you're talking about, but have a different perspective. My ex of over four years split up with me and immediately went to someone else. That also has been 2.5 months. We tried to hang out and do the friends thing, but it hasn't worked for me. I don't think that she was trying to get back with me, so it doesn't necesarrily mean your guy is trying to get back with her.

 

Give him his space, but also don't be afraid to tell him how you feel.

 

Good luck!

[lila666]

thank you, your perspective on this has made me feel better. Considering that they were together for such a long time and shared so much would make it hard for him to just cut her out of his life. I will certainly keep that in mind.