Ex Girlfriend showing signs of reconsidering? (cool montage video inside too)

[soru]

Me and my ex were together for a year and three months, and it was a mostly good and happy relationship. I was a very loving and attentive guy. More so than any other guy she's ever had. But as time passed by, she started to show signs of just wanting something else: In college, she began to get obsessed with making new friends, knowing everything about who was doing what with who...You know, typical drama type of stuff. It felt like no matter how good I was to her, she wasn't satisfied. I started to feel like just a burden to her. This neglection in turn, made me more of a seemingly needy guy because let's face it...Watching someone you love stay with you out of habit, instead of actual love is a horrible thing. I consistantly asked her if she still had emotion for me, and she kept reassuring me that she did, but her actions just weren't following her words.

 

We broke up a couple weeks ago, her telling me that she just didn't want a relationship. She needed time to find herself and make herself happy before she could do anything else. Part of me feels like its another guy she wants to pursue, but I dont have concrete proof of that. She said she still loved me, and that we could be friends further down the road, and perhaps even get back together if things go well.

 

So during these first two weeks, we had some contact. The first week of it, was me begging and pleading for her return, and then I finally came to terms with it, and stopped contacting her. However, she keeps contacting me every few days, and even when I unfriended her on Facebook, she pokes me. Why the other day she just texts me asking me about my job situation, and then later that night she reccomends a band and love song for me that sounds WAY TOO COINCIDENTAL of our situation. I text her back "This is pretty much how I feel" and she didn't text back. Haven't heard from her since then.

 

](*,) She's playing mindgames I know this. And people who have known us, know that I gave her a hell of a lot, was incredibly sweet in so many ways. Her grass is greener behavior threw something she never had before...Someone who actually cared for her and showed it through not just words...but actions as well.

 

( WARNING, CHEESYNESS AHEAD)

 

Probably the best example out of many of how much of a sappy romantic I am, was when we were planning to going to this concert. One night I was driving home from her dorm when I decided to listen to the band, and this specific song just stood out to me. I wanted to use it as a tribute to us. So I went home and slaved myself on the computer, using a program I never used in my entire life to make a montage video about how much she meant to me. It was no easy task I'll tell you that! I literally finished it in ONE night. Thats how dedicated I was...And it actually came out good! I impressed myself. Anyway, I sent it to her via facebook message a couple days later, and it made her cry with joy. She was the happiest girl in the world.

 

youtube.com/watch?v=uNWE8aQQOM4 (copy and past)

 

Wait, it gets even better! So fast forward a couple weeks and its time for the concert. We get to the venue somewhat early, and its raining out. The band pulls up on the side of the street, and unloads their stuff, and just walks past her, and she never knew what they looked like so of course she didn't recognize them. I come outside the bathroom and was like "Holy * * * * , it's Best Coast!" in my mind, and just play it cool and go back outside to where she was waiting...

 

So a few hours past and the opening bands are playing. I notice one of the guitarists were signing and selling merchandise, so i wait in line to greet him, and to ask him a little favor...To tribute that song in the video to my ex. And he just gives me this smile, and nods his head. When it was time for them to perform the song? The lead singer was like "This goes to the girl with the big umbrella."

 

Again...she cried and exclaimed how lucky she was to have me.

 

 

I just wanted to share that story because its mind boggling how much she meant to me. I went way out of my way so many times for her, and as I look back, I feel like I need someone who will see these excellent aspects of me, and won't take them for granted like she started to. I was far from boring. i was spontaneous. I cared for her. I feel like she'll figure out in time that she's letting go of a true and compassionate person just from impulse. I want her back so badly, but I'm also recovering slowly from it. Very slowly. But for us to even get back, she has a lot of soul searching to do. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get over this breakup... Time and fate will tell I suppose...

 

Thoughts?

[iBroken]

Were are the signs that she is reconsidering?

 

I have learned from my past that being the "romantic" or "good guy" doesnt always work out, even if we logically feel that someone would be a fool to not like a montage, or a tribute at a concert. I have found at times, girls dont know how to deal with these relationships or scenarios. And while they enjoy these things when they happen, they more often thatn not prefer a bit of drama, a guy who is rough around the edges.

 

Im not saying all girls are like this, but in my experience, those who do not appreciate the small romantic gestures are always the ones that get away.

 

Try not to get caught up in the mentality that you were sweet and therefore she should be back.

[Eocsor]

I think you're reading way too much into this. And I agree with the above poster. Being a great guy doesn't mean a lot sometimes. Bad things happen to good people.

 

Be careful, and don't get too excited about what you're reading into the situation. Play the waiting game if you must but don't count on things working out.

[CMS]

I am sorry dude, I was like you in my last relationship, I was the good guy, a great boyfriend and she still broke up with me saying her feelings has changed and she no longer is in love with me. Dude there is nothing wrong with being a good guy but you also have to have back bone, confidence and all. The good guy antics gets old fast, especially for the younger girls. You want to strive to become a good guy with confidence who is self sufficient, dont base your entire action just to please her.

 

I think you are doing good in cutting contact, now its time to not respond to her, find the joy to be alone again and show her that you can handle life without her, that you are no longer moping and pining for her to return, become the strong, confident man that was you before she came along.

[soru]

Yeah you both are right. It just sucks how love works sometimes. People can overlook so much. I've already come to terms with the breakup. But i still have rapid ups and downs, and I mean low, low downs. I talk to people about it, try to do activities, and stay occupied, but its difficult. I'm a giving person by nature, and the one who I thought would stick around, left me. I know its what in her best interest, and I respect that. But these new wounds are taking too slow to heal. You give someone your everything, and they tell you one day they still love you while you guys are cuddling in bed together, holding her in your arms, then the next day when you go to her for support, it ends in a breakup. She wasn't being honest with me about she felt recently, and that made the breakup even worse and it made me feel even more alone because i wanted to drown in her love when I needed it at the time.

 

iBroken, she texts me every few days or so, asking how I am. I unfriended her on Facebook, yet she pokes me? She texted me the other day saying "hello?" And then started asking if I got the job or not. Then later that night, texts and recommends a band and song to me that sounds exactly like our situation. A love song about how two people lose interest, and then realize life without them, and fall back in love again. I don't I'm looking into this too much at all though. We both agreed not to be friends at the moment, yet she keeps contacting me. I know her, and these are signs of her having doubts. She did the same thing the first time we broke up, and that time it lasted only a week before we got back.

 

I'm just keeping my guard up for anything.

[soru]

Our relationship was rather balanced. She was insecure in many ways, and i was the one who she started to go to for advice. I wasn't afraid to point out her flaws, and most of the time she reluctantly agreed with my advice and opinion, and even respected them. But as time passed, she started to get over emotional about constructive criticism, and started to make me out to be the bad guy, when i'm just stating something that she's doing wrong. I wasn't even hostile about it either. So it wasn't like I was a doormat to her or anything. but I agree with your post for the most part.

[CMS]

Dude I know you think your situation is unique and nobody gets you, but there are a lot of underlying similiarities, like you I was her emotional support and I was never afraid to point out her flaws or tease her about it. Trust me, I see a lot of myself in you, it sucks, I know exactly what my problems is and I am working on to fix it. You need to really examine your actions to see where you did wrong or where you can improve, dont give me the crap that you are flawless, there are always flaws. You offer her advice and opinion, does she want those when she was talking to you? let me tell you this, most of the time women just want their feelings heard and validated instead of looking for advice, and I guarantee you that she will lose attraction to you if you actively try to solve her "problem" instead of just listen.

 

I know you are the sappy romantic guy who does all those grand gestures to show her your love, thats props to you, but you also need to realize its the little things that compound together to break a relationship.

 

In re your situation, I am not sure if its indeed GIGS with her or she just need some space, but it does not matter, you guys are broken up, stop reacting to the little crumbs she throw at you. Stop moping and most importantly, stop contact of all kind.

[Bunney]

There's no point in speculating right? Maybe she really has doubts and is thinking about coming back, or maybe she just feels guilty, or she wants to keep you as a friend. Just don't read too much into things, and try not over-analyze and think so much about everything. Sometimes no matter how perfect things seem and how much effort we put into the relationship/how good of a partner we are, it does not mean that the other persons feelings can't ever change or that they were right for you in the first place. You are young, so much more ahead of you, so many other great girls you are going to meet, don't focus too much on this single one who doesn't seem to be worth it.

 

Btw, "video is not available in your country", gah just when I thought I found something to ease my boredom! lol

[soru]

I agree. But the grief is actually helping me. And so is the fact that in fact did give her a lot, yet she still didn't want it. The grief and the fact that I was such a loving and caring guy are the things that are sewing my heart slowly back together. Its a destructive process. But I feel it is turning me into a stronger person. The nature that I have...It's almost like I seek out to get devastated emotionally? Because it forces me to evolve even further as a person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not masochistic emotionally. But its almost beautiful to me how I can almost enjoy grief, and come out a better and stronger guy. I knew I was awesome to her. I was giving to her emotionally, physically, and materialistically. I was no pushover. I wasn't boring. She herself doesn't even know what she wants. She isn't happy. So she wants to seek other ways to do this. I can't do anything right now but to go full NC like you said. She wants something more flawed and raw, and less perfect and ideal, then thats what she wants. She's 19, just got out of her first year of college, and was caring too much about the wrong things. She has to focus on herself and figure herself out.

[WeightOffChest]

In re your situation, I am not sure if its indeed GIGS with her or she just need some space, but it does not matter, you guys are broken up, stop reacting to the little crumbs she throw at you. Stop moping and most importantly, stop contact of all kind.

 

I think most guys that want to get back with their exes react rather strongly to the smallest piece of information they get. But you need to look at it for what it is: breadcrumbs. These little pieces are just enough to lead me around to get a taste, but not fulfill my hunger for a real reconciliation. I know I'm guilty of it as well, but I need to remind myself that I won't settle for just friendship and being a sweet guy to her. By doing that, I'm putting her feelings before mine, and those days are done. If she wants to reach me for real, she knows how. By giving bits and pieces of contact is like throwing out breadcrumbs in the park, hoping that I'll fly over like some kind of pigeon to pick up the scraps is no way to get my attention. I'm better than that.

[CMS]

Its great that you can come to that conclusion. Like what my old man used to say, what cant kill you will only make you stronger. You will come out stronger person from this ordeal. I know its tempting to react to the break crumbs and thinking what they meant, I can guarantee you that she is probably as confused and unsure about this as you do, but that did not stop her from breaking up with you, which sucks, treat it as a learning experience, ignore her meaningless contacts, especially so soon post BU. Take some time for yourself, keep remind yourself that you are an awesome guy with a lot to offer, because you are. I know it sucks that she does not appreciate what she has got but hey, its her loss. Focus on yourself, be more awesome and who knows what will happen down the road.

 

I can tell you this, getting back together so soon post BU WILL only lead to you breaking up again. You and her both need to do some serious soul searching and figure out what you want, she needs to find happiness by herself too, otherwise you are just codependent with each other.

[PaintWithLight]

You are a sensitive guy and your stories clearly illustrate how lovely and thoughtful you can be. Any woman would be grateful for such attention and feel flattered. However.... here is the warning I want to impart.... It does not mean that she is falling for you, wants you as her boyfriend or even is reconsidering. She is merely soaking up the sunshine that you are sending her way.

 

Romantic people make the same mistake that highly sexual people make. They think that tons of wonderful romantic gestures (or with the sex person - tons of mind blowing sex) will somehow build up points and eventually tip the balance into a commitment and love. When it doesn't happen or only generates a short lived relationship, the romantic is crushed. They moan over and over about all the gestures, how she loved this and that... like it is some kind of calculation that must equate to a different outcome.

 

The bottom line is whether she is into you and does not want to pursue other guys. She can feel lucky and special but still not want to commit because she wants to play the field. She has made this pretty clear and you have responded with a full court press of "romance overload" to woe her back. You are only setting yourself up for heartbreak. Believe me, there are tons of women in the world who deserve to spend time with you. Do not fix yourself on this one girl when she is on the fence. My advice - go out immediately on 5 dates with new woman. This will give you some perspective. I worry that you are locked into a romantic view that does not jive with reality. Good luck!

[endy]

I'de quote cmswifty over and over here. The problem is that women don't want you to tell them what to do when they are emotional. They want validation and affirmation that it's ok to feel that way. When you actually do what you did, it comes off as controlling, that you don't understand their emotions or what their feeling. They don't want you to make the choice for them, or tell them what to do. They want to be understood, and told that I understand and it's ok to feel that way.

 

I'm a sensitive very caring person. Every girl I know tells me they can't believe I'm single. The issue is the above causes them to lose attraction. Swifty is spot on here with all his advice. You're learning buddy

[CMS]

I'de quote cmswifty over and over here. The problem is that women don't want you to tell them what to do when they are emotional. They want validation and affirmation that it's ok to feel that way. When you actually do what you did, it comes off as controlling, that you don't understand their emotions or what their feeling. They don't want you to make the choice for them, or tell them what to do. They want to be understood, and told that I understand and it's ok to feel that way.

 

I'm a sensitive very caring person. Every girl I know tells me they can't believe I'm single. The issue is the above causes them to lose attraction. Swifty is spot on here with all his advice. You're learning buddy

 

Thanks buddy, been reading all the books you have recommended. So big kudos to you sir

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Many dumpers who throw away the kind, gentle, caring man (or woman) often want to continue the "you make me feel like a Queen (or King)" feelings so they manipulate their words and gestures to lead the dumpee on. By leading the dumpee on, the dumpee continues being their biggest fan and the dumper continues to have the ego stroked. It is all about their ego and has nothing to do with wanting to get back together. They want to continue feeling cherished by someone until they meet someone new. Don't fall for it. Just continue with no contact.

[soru]

So she was continuing to contact me through text messages...Like she was attempting to be just friends I'm guessing. Like the messages weren't even about anything, they were just small talk really. It bothered me how she was texting me more now than she was when we were together...And that killed even more. I was replying to her messages, but it was making it so hard on myself....It was giving me some kind of false hope that we'd be back you know? So i told her "I love hearing from you...but its hurting me, and giving me false hope." She then got upset I could tell, because she then said "Then I will delete your number." How * * * * ing cold is that? I tell you that i LOVE you, and I just can't be friends with you, and you get angry? She's being so dense...So heartless to me right now. I then replied to her "Listen I love you. Its hurting me that you're so quick to degrade our relationship status into a friendship, and its hurting me to see a girl that i care so much about do that to something so special." It was insulting to me that she was trying to do it SO SOON. Especially me as the dumpee.

 

So I replied to her then, "I just want us back. But I wont force you into anything, nor do I want to try to. Be safe." And she just said "Well I am very sorry" And again, I could tell she was giving me this bitter reply. I know her mannerisms. Just by putting the word "Well" in front of it just doesnt seem right as an apology. I felt like the bigger person. She was being difficult and harsh about it, and very stubborn. I wanted to leave on a note to where she knew I wanted us back, but I also left in a note that I respected my desires too much to settle for less such as a friendship. If I did, it'd be reopening and reopening my wounds every time and thats what her messages were doing...Plus I'd be a little toy to her. I was very kind and loving with going about this, but I was also looking out for myself. She didn't take it well at all.

 

Any thoughts? I don't need someone telling me the typical obvious thing like "you're better off with moving on" or something like that. I need input on HER response to it, and what she could be thinking...And what could possibly happen later down the road.

[Brownstone322]

Any thoughts? I don't need someone telling me the typical obvious thing like "you're better off with moving on" or something like that. I need input on HER response to it, and what she could be thinking...And what could possibly happen later down the road.

I guess you're too emotionally compromised to see that there was nothing encouraging about those text exchanges. Some dumpers elect to continue with meaningless contact; apparently it's a form of guilt-relief therapy, but it's all to their benefit, and there's nothing positive in it for you.

 

You need to stop all contact. Statements to the effect of "I love you" ... "It's hurting me" ... "I just want us back" ... are only making things worse and putting you in a hole you'll never get out of.

[CMS]

Dude dont fall for the bread crumbs. Respect her decision to break up, but also ask her to respect your decision for NC, and keep NC for your own good.

 

I recommend read theKid55's healing journal, see how he transit from begging and pleading to become independent and happy.

[WeightOffChest]

Her response?

 

It's coming from a position of losing power. The moment you told her that you didn't want to contact her anymore, she completely got defensive and was like, "Fine, I'll delete your number then." You should have texted back, "Thank you, I love you and wish you the best."

 

That would have done it. Boom right there. Healing. You can let go and forgive her.

 

But you didn't. You fell for her bluff and she got you angry again. What she's thinking is that she would do ANYTHING to keep you around. She would threaten this and that, she would put her emotions down on the line, she would try and provoke you with texts, she would even try to be vulnerable for you to console her. The one thing she won't do, is cede her power over you by actually letting you go. She hasn't offered to get back with you. She's got you on a leash.

 

Go for it dude. If that's what you want, get your fill of breadcrumbs.

 

You can admit you want to heal. But doing it is so much harder. We've all been there before. It's hurts, but it's much more relieving not having to worry about games on this side.