spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 In March we received an invitation from a SIL to go to Europe in the summer, coincidentally on the same weekend it's the MIL (a milestone) birthday and our wedding anniversary, but the invitation was specifically for the SIL and her husband (BIL)s' birthdays, which are not even in the specified month (they are both more than a month away from the date). AND it was specified it was top secret, do not speak to anyone about it. As a side note, this SIL and BIL have never been to visit us, they are the only ones in the entire family that have never done so. In April I called for FIL birthday and MIL point-blank asked me if I was coming to BIL/SIL birthday celebration. Kinda floored, I didn't know what to say... I hemmed and hawed and she got impatient with me. Now I adore this woman, so I stupidly said "yes of course." Then we started looking at airplane tickets, which have doubled in price since last year. My husband had a cow. So in May we told the family regretfully that we will not be attending. A few weeks ago my husband was talking to his Dad and I guess he got guilted or otherwise motivated to go. Now, however, he wants to go by himself! He says we cannot afford to both go. So... not sure what to think about this. When I was making the bigger dollars I paid for both of us to attend family functions, vacations, etc. I've been the provider of all the big presents (appliances, wedding gifts, graduation, birthday, etc.) to his family over the past 15 years - he does not even know the dates... and I hate being ambushed by surprise things, it works terribly with my character and ever since I got imbroiled in the stupid secret thing I've had stomach pangs every time it crosses my mind. I guess I just don't get it... If he can afford one plane ticket, why can't he afford two? Alternatively, if he has price objections, he could buy a heck of a lot of presents for 1/3 the cost of ONE ticket. Please can anyone help with other suggestions where we could still have our presence felt and show our love for the family without my husband having to go to Europe without me? Any and all comments welcome. Cheers! SM Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Well, it is his family and if you genuinely can't afford two tickets this does seem like something about which you could compromise - when was the last time he saw his family? Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 We went last August - we were supposed to go again in December but he blew a fuse about the airfare and so we cancelled. In this moment, we (actually he) CAN afford it... Since we've been married, we've gone at least 1x per year on average, there were times we went 2x and then one year we didn't go at all. But we always went together and now he's being weird about money? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 The economy is hard on everyone. Perhaps he is genuinely not wanting to fork out two plane tickets when one is perfectly fine? If it we your family I would find it odd but it's his - do you really need to be there if it saves you money in the long run? Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Well he didn't turn down any plane tickets when it was me paying... even when it was a stretch... so my feelings are kinda hurt that he's not willing to pop for mine this time. So unfortunately I have a little resentment in the fact that he cannot make it work when for the first 10 years of our relationship it was me footing the bills, and for the last 15 the one tending the family relationship garden. Have I not earned it? Plus I adore his family too! Now that I've written that, I guess I need to go talk to him about it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Is there anyway you can pay for your ticket? I assume you guys keep most of the money separate? Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 I have a big education expense coming up so my spare cash is tied up until the end of summer. When I reread these posts and think deep on it, I guess what I really wanted is to know he would be willing more than I wanted to actually go. Maybe I'm being a baby... Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Are your finances separate? If they aren't it's money from both of you, and if they are separate then advise him since you are married you feel uncomfortable with him going off to Europe with the family but without you - his partner in life. Personally speaking, I'd be pretty peeved off if my husband wanted to go while I stayed at home - either both go or not at all. It is his side of the family, but you also I'm sure think of them as family, so I think you have every right to be upset over this. Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 If there is not enough money then it would not be right to stop him seeing his family because you both can't go. Where is your family and how often do you see them? Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 My family's in the Midwest, the Great White North, and Europe. We don't usually visit the US/Canada branches because they only invite at Christmas and husband doesn't care for the cold. We will see them this year because they are all coming here. All of the (my) family events that I've gone to without my husband were because he didn't WANT to attend. The European events he has always come along with me and we saw his family too. It's a shame we didn't commit to the trip in March or April because I could have cashed in FF miles for one or even both tickets, now it's too late and there is no standard award availability for those dates. In the past I was able to do that with adequate advance notice, so the most we've ever paid for is one ticket. And that I think is the crux of the matter, it's not that he CANNOT pay for two tickets, it's that he doesn't WANT to. He SAYS we cannot afford it, but what he really means is that he does not want to pay for MY ticket. This upsets me because when I was the major breadwinner I picked up the tab every time, and even now I pay for the lion's share of our travel - it's just that I didn't plan for this particular expense because of the late decision and now my money is otherwise committed. Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 But to be fair - he didn't want to pay for either ticket until he was guilted in to going by his parents. Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 He is being unfair. You are his wife not a girlfriend, not even fiance. Frankly I'd be appalled by his attitude. Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I would be appalled by anyone who tried to stop someone seeing their family when they live thousands of miles apart. I went to see my father in England one year without my wife because we couldn't afford two tickets. That was in April and by November he had died. I think I may have been a little resentful of my wife if she had successfully guilted me into not going to see him. Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 No one is trying to stop him, but if his wife has paid for things in the past he should give her the same respect and pay for her ticket this time. It's about compromise and understanding. I'd never stop my partner from going to visit his family and I know he wouldn't stop me; but I definitely would find a way to have us both go. I also don't think anyone is on a deathbed in the OP's husbands family, so that's not really relevant to their case. If the roles were reversed and the man was complaining, I think some of the answers would be very different. Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I always hesitate before telling other people what they should do with their money and whether they can afford something or not. And no one knows when someone will die. Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 That's right no one also knows when someone is the OP's family might die and her husband doesn't want to see her family because it's COLD in Canada. Great excuse. This is also a celebration, a time when he should want his wife around the family. Speaks volumes of his priorities and placing her in the family circle. Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 OK, well we'll have to agree to disagree. I cannot imagine wanting to stop my wife from seeing her family because I couldn't go - I would see that as immensely selfish. Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 It's also extremely selfish that he has the money and doesn't want his wife to attend a celebration because he doesn't want to pay for her ticket, even though she had done the same in the past. OP - Why don't you let him know that this is offending you and that you feel it is unfair because in the past you were the one paying for tickets and such, and you are his wife, not a friend so there should be some sort of respect in sharing his fortune with you. If he still rejects the idea, I would personally advise him that from then on, every single penny would be separate, forever. If he wants to be selfish and not share then remember you can be like that too even though in the past you were not. Stand up for yourself. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 It sucks that he doesn't want to pay for your ticket but has he actually said he doesn't WANT to pay for it? I'm with DN on this one - just because 2 people are married doesn't mean they have to visit family together. Shoot, I doubt my fiance and I will ever be able to visit my family here together once I move - it will be me with the kids while he stays in England. Link to comment
DN Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I think it is for him to decide if he can afford it - let's not forget he originally didn't think he could afford it at all whether it was one or two. But once his family put pressure on him he felt he should go, presumably for their sake. Secondly, when you do something for someone it should be because you want to not in the expectation of getting something back in return. You may decide you can afford something but that doesn't give you the right to decide someone else can. Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 I don't want to stop him from going, I want to go too! I adore his family and would never try to guilt him into not going, that is not love that is control - and DN, you are absolutely right about people getting sick. (I had forgotten about this trip until the mention of health came up.) About five years ago his father became suddenly, gravely, mysteriously ill. I bought him a ticket to fly over the next day, plus arranged (i.e., paid for) the replacement of a major appliance that had been on the fritz, to save his mom time and energy... I totally love them so much I want to go too! So this morning I made up my mind. I'm going to postpone my certification for a few months so I can go on the trip. Of course, it doesn't cure the problem of my husband's short memory span or cheapskate attitude, but in the short run I get to see the family too. Situation solved. Thanks for everyone's input. Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I must have the memo wrong, marriage must not be about compromise and sharing - it must be about all what just one partner wants. As I said, if the roles were reversed, we'd be hearing how the woman is selfish and the man paid before, so she should pay this time and the song goes on. If he truly didn't want to go, there is no one in this world that could guilt him into it - he is an adult and should make his own decision whether he wants to go, but he also isn't a bachelor that doesn't have to think about his partner. Link to comment
petite Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 spinstermanquee - I am glad you were able to make a decision even if it is putting your wants and priorities aside, because your husband is a cheapskate. I do hope in the future you wont pay for his tickets, and will learn from his attitude. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 I think it is for him to decide if he can afford it - let's not forget he originally didn't think he could afford it at all whether it was one or two. But once his family put pressure on him he felt he should go, presumably for their sake. Secondly, when you do something for someone it should be because you want to not in the expectation of getting something back in return. You may decide you can afford something but that doesn't give you the right to decide someone else can. This. Good luck on the trip. Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Yeah he is a jack*ss - but he's MY jack*ss. Thanks for the encouraging words, I don't want to punish him but I will talk to him about the hurt feelings and uneven treatment in a way a man can understand (I'll kick his butt at basketball or something). Link to comment
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