Moving on aside, why are dumpers so adamant about not discussing what went wrong

[Timefornc]

Why would I give my exes advice on how to better themselves for someone else? I'm done with them already. They can figure it out on their own.

 

Truth is, no amount of reasoning will make you feel better. It's always going to be another question that you'll need answering.

 

"Why didn't you give me a chance?"

 

"Why didn't you say something?"

 

"What can I do to fix this?"

 

When the dumper is already done with the situation. Addressing any of those points will not help either of you, so it's better to leave it for someone else to handle.

 

I would want to give an explanation if the tables were turned. I have done if asked. Then again I never claimed to be head over heels in love, wanting to get engaged and moving accross the world to be with someone and felt an urgent need to end it mid way. I would have been honest the minute I saw it wasn't working, not sat back hoped my feelings reverted and continued changing this other persons life until I got the courage up. And if I did, then I would fully think they deserved a discussion or some of my time to let thier feelings be known. The guilt would be awful, but I believe it's right.

[threestars]

I believe ending a long term relationship requires a slight explanation from the dumper. Yes, in most instances it's a long time coming and a lot of little things, not necessarily eithers fault. But if you love someone and have been involved with them, you owe it to them to let them know why. In theory this should help both people, the dumper can finally let out their reasons for unhappiness which has likely been kept inside during this period and the dumpee will have a small satisfaction as to why things went wrong. Every long term relationship requires some closure, without closure this relationship wasn't very serious to begin with or at the very least quite one sided, even if the dumper has been ready/moved on for a significant period of time. It would be interesting to see what % of these non-closure endings end up leading to the couple reuniting, briefly or even for great length. My guess would be non-closure endings are much more likely to lead to reuniting than relationships with a definitive and clear reason for ending.

[Success]

They made the call for whatever reason, if they truly loved you how can they pretend your not there and not help you by telling you what actually went wrong so you can better yourself?

 

What is there to lose for them?

 

My take... When someone breaks up with you, that is a completely selfish act. We're talking pure unadulterated 100% selfish, not 99%, not 99.9%, not 90%, not 20%, not 5%. It is without a doubt 100% selfish. Dumpers don't want to discuss what went wrong because they are completely selfish, no two ways about it. They feel no more obligation to you and really don't give a hoot about your healing because it's all about them them them. They don't want to feel guilt or remorse, nor do they truly care about your feelings (they care more about their feelings). Also, dumpers really don't love you anymore, they might still have some love for you, but they don't love you in any truly significant way. People who claim to have broken up with someone but still be in love with them, that's just absurd and dishonest. If you love someone, you don't purposely hurt them, you don't purposely cause them pain and suffering, you don't think selfishly. Period. When a dumper can't face you to tell you why, that's because they are cowards. They're afraid to face the person they KNOW they purposely hurt and caused pain and suffering. What they have to lose is their pride, ego and "honesty".

[kuteknish]

I suspect that in some cases at least, the dumper is an avoidant type. Explanations aren't part of the job description for the avoidant dumper, but the push/pull dynamic between dumper and dumpee is in place before, during and after a break-up.

 

Thing is that even is a dumper does offer an explanation, doesn't mean it will be truthful. Sometimes I think they don't know what they really want or think themselves. What I believe to at least be the case with my avoidant dumper is that he is absolutely terrified of looking at himself and his own contribution to conflict, not just in the relationship with me, but in every relationship in his life and every situation which has brought him unhappiness.

I second that

[threestars]

Well said Success. Although I'm sure some dumpers will argue they had good reasoning for being "selfish". But for most long term relationships ending without cheating or other large scale issues, it truly is nothing more than being selfish once they've decided to quit.

[kingofatlantis]

I agree that hints are dropped left and right about why they are unhappy in a relationship but honestly I find hints ridiculous why not just sit down and chat? I think that would be more reasonable. There are times when the dumpee is so distracted by other things in life they have no idea what is going on around them outside of it.

[Timefornc]

Hints, I'm sure I would have got some. And yeah I gave gave hints to her. But they would have been hints about something that was annoying me not grounds for ending.

 

But I loved her. Would have to be something big for me to even consider that, and I definitely would have spoke about it seriously before I made a decision.

 

I am quite observant and can't say I noticed anything change in us or her. Actually, if anything her commitment to the future increased. And yes, that is extremely cowardly. Oh well, best of without that level of flakyiness

[threestars]

Hints, I'm sure I would have got some. And yeah I gave gave hints to her. But they would have been hints about something that was annoying me not grounds for ending.

 

But I loved her. Would have to be something big for me to even consider that, and I definitely would have spoke about it seriously before I made a decision.

You would think this is how most rational people that are in love would go about handling their relationships. Unfortunately some people have these flawed ideals of movie tale relationships that quite frankly don't exist or are minimal to say the least. Everyone has flaws and imperfections, if you can't tolerate or learn to live with some of these nuances I feel a person like that will constantly be searching for the perfect one.

 

The traits I wasn't a fan of with my ex were things I was able to live and deal with, because I loved her. Unfortunately for me my flaws ate at her and drove her crazy despite them being known to her for the duration of our relationship. By flaws and imperfections I mean handling certain situations or going about your daily life....they're not flaws or imperfections persay, just minor things the significant other might not like but can eventually build over time if it's something they can't live with.

[Glowguy]

As a dumper, I told my ex exactly what I needed for things to work. I made it very clear what my main problems were and she didn't want to hear it or accept any fault for the problems we were having. She chose to move out and live with her guy friend the day after I broke up with her. That was the last straw for me and I warned it would be.

[threestars]

rough glow...but at least you told her the deal and gave her a fair chance. I'm starting to wonder if this is more of a Female Dumper move where it's abruptly over with little explanation. Most guys I speak with that are considering breaking up with their GF did/do exactly as Glowguy did.

[waterlilly]

some dumpers still love, but other factors come in to play. Some dumpers do talk to their ex about it afterwards. I talked to my exes afterwards if they needed it.

[Inquirer89]

Hmm I agree that dumpers are selfish when there is no major problems in the relationship. My last one ended for no major reasons, everything was on key nothing off. Him breaking up with me without any really valid reasons IMHO was selfish especially after everything that was said and done. I think he still has feelings for me, he didn't want to cut me out of his life. I think for the majority of reasons people dump another when there's no real reason to dump them, mainly because they grew bored even if the relationship was great. Also if they are a commitment phobe. Of course there are other xamples.. But must remember there are plenty of relationships that ended for valid reasons, I just see a lot end for stupid things or nothing at all. I know how it really sucks OP but look at the bright side of things if at all possible, if she can't communicate issues she is having in a relationship but decides to withdraw and stay mum, if you were to of married her how successful would that relationship be? Let alone functional, no relationship can last without communication, and I partly blame some incompatibility, confrontational avoidance tendencies as well. I believe that if somebody wants to make the relationship work they will voice their grievances loud and clear, a sit down if you may to explain hey you're behaving in such and such way, something or other that you are doing lately is upsetting me etc, etc, etc. I believe hints being given about being unhappy is stupid, nobody is a mind reader and unless one speaks up about what they're unhappy about the other party won't ever notice or realize, and that's why so many dumpee's are going what the ???? What happened? I didn't see it coming! Because lack of communication.

[Timefornc]

The worst thing is that after all the questioning I now feel like the bad guy for not respecting the request for space, and constantly hassling. But whilst they are happily moving on and netting the next victim, we get stuck looking for answers. It doesn't hurt, I just feel ridiculous and probably blown any chance of being friends. And I know friends is not clever, but if there was no abuse, no cheating then I would like to think that it's an option.

[Tryptophan]

Because the things that they've done are hurtful.

Because it becomes frustrating to try to change someone.

Because you think they're too immature to talk through about the issues.

Because you know they won't want to change.

Because you know if they do, it won't be for long.

Because you know if you do talk about the issues, you'll seem "pushy".

Because you're too angry for putting up with these things so long.

Because they never cared to ask what was wrong DURING the relationship.

Because they only care NOW that their feelings are affected.

Because you know it's too late.

Because you know that's if it's over, why bother?

Because it would be a talk without a purpose.

 

You know dumpers go through a very painful period during the relationship where you know you love them, but no matter what you do, nothing will save it. Once you make that decision, the person you STILL love thinks you're a monster so on top of the misery you lived through while making the decision (and loading up courage to break up), you have to deal with them ignoring you, hating you, or simply being indifferent.

 

Once the courage is gathered up, and have broken up with them, we have gone through our own inner turmoil making the decision. Talking about these feelings would only make it worse. This is the time where it's our turn to become selfish.

 

EDIT:

 

Keep in mind my ex cheated, so really, the one that's hurting is me, but the reasons can also be true for all dumpers.

[Timefornc]

This makes a lot of sense. Even in a circumstance like mine where I don't know why. It's not going to make a difference now to the dumper, but they should have said something before. If they thought it was worth fighting for. Your situation is different, I'm more likely to have been cheated on.

[ericssonfan]

Most relationships end due to communication problems - therefore, the dumper was giving signals of what was to come, and the dumpee was ignoring them or thinking "this will pass". If there were open communication, the break-up could be avoided, but sadly, this is not the common experience. By the time the dumper comes to the conclusion that it is time to end it, they have emotionally distanced themselves in the relationship....and feel nothing...so no need to communicate any further.

 

Regardless, no one "owes" anyone an explanation or a rationalization for their behavior. We each live our own reality and make decisions accordingly. To expect someone else to live by "your" expectations is to invite a world of hurt.

 

I agree with the communication stops from both ends and the relationships dies. From my experiences, women give really subtle hints of why they are unhappy and clam up and say nothing is wrong. Men just suck at taking a hint.

 

We are already doomed from the beginning! lol!

 

In all honesty, there was NOTHING more in the WORLD I would want to do than to make my ex happy and feel loved and try to understand why she's unhappy at some times while we were in a relationship. But sometimes, I feel like scaling the Great Wall of China is an easier task than scaling her emotional wall! HA!

 

Back on Topic, bottom line is if they wanted to be with you, they would be.. That's the reality. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors...

[lemondust]

Also, dumpers really don't love you anymore, they might still have some love for you, but they don't love you in any truly significant way. People who claim to have broken up with someone but still be in love with them, that's just absurd and dishonest. If you love someone, you don't purposely hurt them, you don't purposely cause them pain and suffering, you don't think selfishly. Period. When a dumper can't face you to tell you why, that's because they are cowards. They're afraid to face the person they KNOW they purposely hurt and caused pain and suffering. What they have to lose is their pride, ego and "honesty".

 

Going to disagree....only because I finished with someone I felt so strongly about, that I could not deal with the issue that was causing me hurt at the time. And so confused, angry etc...that I was that I finished with them in quite a cold way, without even fully thinking about what I was doing at the time. Sometimes you do hurt those you love, to protect yourself yes, which I guess is selfish, but I have not met many people who don't display some selfishness sometimes.

 

On topic...I've been the dumper four times now in my life...the first I never told the truth to because I didn't feel anything for him. The second I told him everything that was wrong, but he never listened and everything went over his head. The third, I gave a small snippet of why I finished with him, but there were so many different reasons it would have been silly to mention them, and I knew he was already down on himself, and I didn't need to add to that.

 

The fourth, my nemesis, I guess I dumped him coldly, then regretted it days later. Only to be dumped myself by him anyway. So now I am the dumpee! And he gave me a reason....but it is not the reason I suspect is the real one.

[Timefornc]

I think I must view people in the way I would react to the situation myself. If I was the dumper, I would be 100% honest, and give them as much information as they needed to help them. Maybe she was hurting, but more likely and apparent she simply doesn't give s@£t. Which is sad because it's not what I would have expected from her.

[ladyninja30]

What I believe to at least be the case with my avoidant dumper is that he is absolutely terrified of looking at himself and his own contribution to conflict, not just in the relationship with me, but in every relationship in his life and every situation which has brought him unhappiness.

 

I love this and I agree with it..at least in my situation with my ex.

I also agree with the post above of it's cuz they do love you but they don't wanna deal..however..if they loved you why did they leave an not try and work things out?

[maron]

They made the call for whatever reason, if they truly loved you how can they pretend your not there and not help you by telling you what actually went wrong so you can better yourself?

 

What is there to lose for them?

for some of the exes that left me, they didn't explain because they didn't want to hurt me further but as time went on and the dust settled, it was mainly for their self-preservation, meaning that they didn't want to be more of a "jerk." i wouldn't have considered them jerks; it would have been an honest discourse on what i did wrong because i got to the point where i was really fine hearing the reasons. yet even after time passed and i was over it, i approached the subject and my question got them sweating buckets. indifference is a beautiful, beautiful state to be at.

[Silverbirch]

Ladyninja, as nasty as it sounds, my last 2 exes were big babies. They aren't sure if they want a Momma or a nymph - actually, I think they want both, but that causes them a lot of inner conflict - think Oedipus.

[ladyninja30]

Probably so Silver. I could in truth explain my ex's actions..but all in all nothing excuses that load of bull..

[90_hour_sleep]

I love this and I agree with it..at least in my situation with my ex.

I also agree with the post above of it's cuz they do love you but they don't wanna deal..however..if they loved you why did they leave an not try and work things out?

 

i've been there...so i understand where you're coming from ladyninja. but for an in depth explanation from the other perspective (because i've been there too)...check out itsnotlove's post on page four of this thread. to me...it sums things up perfectly.

[90_hour_sleep]

I agree with the communication stops from both ends and the relationships dies. From my experiences, women give really subtle hints of why they are unhappy and clam up and say nothing is wrong. Men just suck at taking a hint.

 

We are already doomed from the beginning! lol!

 

In all honesty, there was NOTHING more in the WORLD I would want to do than to make my ex happy and feel loved and try to understand why she's unhappy at some times while we were in a relationship. But sometimes, I feel like scaling the Great Wall of China is an easier task than scaling her emotional wall! HA!

 

Back on Topic, bottom line is if they wanted to be with you, they would be.. That's the reality. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors...

 

i like this post...but i'd disagree that specific communication issues are gender specific. i think there's always some kind of imbalance in a relationship between the two polarities of any particular attribute. it's when the imbalance becomes unmanagable that problems really arise.

[ladyninja30]

Yeah I read that. He won't admit that he likes * * * * * y woman is what it comes down to with mine. I asked him what was wrong with our relationship. The reasons he gave me were entirely bull because I could counter them with valid arguments..he probably does regret it and miss me..but he can't pull his head out of his ass either.