So. Its official.

[SapphireNoir10]

He told me he wasnt ready to be with someone cos his head is messed up and hes so afraid of losing me in the future he'd rather it be over now and hurt less in the long run.

 

Hes very depressed, always says he hates himself and that he wanted to die before he met me.

 

The night before the argument he told me that it had been the best four months of his life and he wanted to plan a future with me. I have a right to be confued.

 

Ok, he just wasnt that into me, fine. I can accept that.

[Batya33]

He told me he wasnt ready to be with someone cos his head is messed up and hes so afraid of losing me in the future he'd rather it be over now and hurt less in the long run.

 

Hes very depressed, always says he hates himself and that he wanted to die before he met me.

 

The night before the argument he told me that it had been the best four months of his life and he wanted to plan a future with me. I have a right to be confued.

 

Ok, he just wasnt that into me, fine. I can accept that.

 

Who ever said you don't have a right to feel confused? You feel what you feel. But reacting to how you feel by focusing to the extent you are on what his friends say, changing what you said about him and about the relationship - that will make you even more confused and more in denial. Right now that's a normal process- my suggestion was that when you're past this initial shock, to choose behaviors that let you have a more balanced and hopefully accurate perspective so that in the next relationship you're not confused, waiting for the other shoe to drop or acting defensive the first time he raises an issue he has with something you did or said.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im not sure what you mean. I tried everything I could to make it work. And i always listened to his complaints. I never got defensive at him for telling me how he felt.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im not in denial.

 

He didnt want to be with me because he didnt like the nature of our argument. Fair enough.

 

I just dont get why say all that stuf about marriage/future/etc if you want to break up really

 

IT does confuse me...he did seem like he cared at points, but at others he didnt.

 

I KNEW he wasnt that into me, I could tell, hence why I was clinging on more, and trying to do everything to make him happy but it just made him pull away more

 

I only assume he wasnt ready for a relationship because of the way he was crying down the phone and telling me he loved me but couldnt be with me cos he was a failure an messed up

[Batya33]

Im not sure what you mean. I tried everything I could to make it work. And i always listened to his complaints. I never got defensive at him for telling me how he felt.

 

I mean in a future relationship if you continue down this path of "he was full of compliments, then we had one argument and broke up, he is not ready for a relationship with anyone, I was the victim here and I'm going to keep listening to his friends who tell me how amazing I am so that I can feel better" past let's say this week then the next time you meet someone you're going to overreact the first time there is an argument, the first time he discusses an issue with you, etc because you'll have this black and white mindset about your ex which you likely will generalize from in a negative way.

 

That is why I suggested, when you're over the initial shock, to be more accepting of the shades of gray here and to avoid the temptation to have a pity party and play the victim with this black/white picture of what you think happened.

 

Of course you tried your best - but unfortunately in doing so you forgot to take good care of yourself and your needs so you did the jumping through hoops thing, apparently you lied to yourself about how much fun you had with him (from what you posted above), and that builds resentment fast and often is a turn off both in friendships and romantic relationships. If you're willing to have a more balanced perspective about what happened you will be more balanced in the give and take next time. But if you continue with "I gave and gave and he took and took" then you might overreact next time by either acting cold or assuming the first time someone pulls back a little that he is a "taker".

[SapphireNoir10]

Thats true. Im just going to accept that fact it wasnt working, I will say mostly because of him, BUT I will also say I played my part in it not working etc.

 

But Im doing ok, I dont miss waiting around for him to text me back or text me, or waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

He went from happy to sad SO Quickly, he was so up and down it was crazy.

[Batya33]

Thats true. Im just going to accept that fact it wasnt working, I will say mostly because of him, BUT I will also say I played my part in it not working etc.

 

But Im doing ok, I dont miss waiting around for him to text me back or text me, or waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

He went from happy to sad SO Quickly, he was so up and down it was crazy.

 

So glad you are doing ok!

[SapphireNoir10]

You've been a great help

 

I can see if i blame him entirely then I'll just end up bitter and twisted and never trusting anyone again

 

I just have to accept were not compatible and want different things. I was commitment, communication and a firm relationship without the constant up and downs

 

He wants someone that I am not and cannot be. Therefore we are just incompatible

 

I mean whats the point in being with someone who doesnt love you for you? Not a lot of point!

 

Theres no point me wasting my time being with someone who doesnt like what I like at all, who doesnt want to do anything I like, or spend a lot of tiem together, or do nice stuff

 

I want a man who will do the odd romantic thing. Now im free to find him