Boyfriend accused me of cheating and doesn't trust me! I don't know what to do!!

[enchanted771]

Thank you for the other perspective, but there is nothing further from the truth. I work, come home, spend time with my son on the days i have him, and I call my boyfriend or he calls me at night and we talk. I dont really go out with my friends anymore because I am with him on the weekends I dont have my son. I text him during the day a few times, and he is the one that is distant, not me. I tried showing him I love him. I called him tonight so he knew I was with my son, but he was still convinced i was with another guy, I take 2 trains to get to his house, I cook for him, and do alot of things for him that I wouldnt do if I didnt love him. In other words, my actions show I love him, but he is a control freak. And i told him how much he means to me today, how much i love him, then later this evening started threatening me!

[PH88]

Thank you for the other perspective, but there is nothing further from the truth. I work, come home, spend time with my son on the days i have him, and I call my boyfriend or he calls me at night and we talk. I dont really go out with my friends anymore because I am with him on the weekends I dont have my son. I text him during the day a few times, and he is the one that is distant, not me. I tried showing him I love him. I called him tonight so he knew I was with my son, but he was still convinced i was with another guy, I take 2 trains to get to his house, I cook for him, and do alot of things for him that I wouldnt do if I didnt love him. In other words, my actions show I love him, but he is a control freak. And i told him how much he means to me today, how much i love him, then later this evening started threatening me![/QUO

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I kind of assumed that he was a bit controlling anyways. Well, it's all up to you to break it off, your happiness is what is important. Your boyfriend should not be threatening you by any means. Be safe and I hope everything works out.

[enchanted771]

Thanks. He felt insecure that we werent hanging out this weekend, so I offered for him to go to a movie with my son and I and he declined. So, its not like I am doing anything wrong! But he is obviously convinced I am doing something wrong, and nothing I say is going to change his mind. So, he will have to live with that.

[chitown9]

It sounds like your boyfriend has a mental illness called 'paranoia'. I am willing to bet that he has followed this same pattern in other relationships that he has had. If I were in your shoes I would be curious enough to inquire of his mother. sister, or anyone who could tell you if this is a typical pattern of his. If it is, and I strongly feel it is, he really needs to seek professional help. It is not just that he is controlling, although that becomes a biproduct of his paranoia. You really should not be angry with him. This poor man needs help.

 

I know of 2 different couples who were married many years, like 50+years and in both cases the paranoid spouse developed this unfounded jealousy of imaginings of their spouse's infidelity. What made it sort of comical was that they were 80 something. In one case the wife through her husband's clothes out on the porch based on her imagined infidelity. When her husband told me about it he was laughing at the obsurdity of what she did and I was laughing too, picturing his wife (with her white hair) throwing his clothes out the door. Mental illness can develop at any time.

[enchanted771]

Wow, that is really something else! yes, he most definitely needs help, but I can't make him do that, he had to recognize it on his own. Well, actually, part of the reason he is how he is, is because he has OCD. Cleaning, working out, etc. I think he starts to analyze stuff that isnt there, and freaks out. I think i am guilty of having some obsessions in the past, but with this guy its very mild. And a big problem here, is my good friend. She is a social worker/therapist and she wants me to stay away from him. But, I think its because she is still single and we used to be party buddies, and now I am always with him.

[TomboyMS]

Your social worker friend is right about this guy. I think she's trying to look out for you. I'm also a social worker. The way this guy is acting is textbook abusive behavior. It always gets worse. Get out while you still can.

Wow, that is really something else! yes, he most definitely needs help, but I can't make him do that, he had to recognize it on his own. Well, actually, part of the reason he is how he is, is because he has OCD. Cleaning, working out, etc. I think he starts to analyze stuff that isnt there, and freaks out. I think i am guilty of having some obsessions in the past, but with this guy its very mild. And a big problem here, is my good friend. She is a social worker/therapist and she wants me to stay away from him. But, I think its because she is still single and we used to be party buddies, and now I am always with him.

[metrogirl]

I don't think there is anything you can do to prove you love him and only him. He has already convicted you of adultery so in his mind you will always be guilty.

 

Also, no boyfriend should ever come between spending time with your child. He knew you were with your child and he said he didn't care and demanded more and more of your time texting back and forth. Your time with child should be spent with him and not engaging in some senseless text battle.

[Koglin]

If what you say is true and you've never given your boyfriend a valid reason not to trust you, then what you are dealing with is someone with severe insecurity, jealousy and control issues. With out aggressive help these issues never go away and almost certainly get worse over time so unless he's willing to seek treatment (which starts with admitting he's wrong) then I would run for the hills before your relationship gets even more controling than you can imagine... but be prepared for more. Many people like this will be very persistent in their behavior until you break up with them so be prepared for crying, begging, promises to change if or when you do break up with him. Often, if you give a person like this another chance you will see masked improvement for a few weeks and they often return to their ways again. Bottom line, he needs profesional help in order for this relationship to work, that's my opinion based on experience.

[chitown9]

Wow, that is really something else! yes, he most definitely needs help, but I can't make him do that, he had to recognize it on his own. Well, actually, part of the reason he is how he is, is because he has OCD. Cleaning, working out, etc. I think he starts to analyze stuff that isnt there, and freaks out. I think i am guilty of having some obsessions in the past, but with this guy its very mild. And a big problem here, is my good friend. She is a social worker/therapist and she wants me to stay away from him. But, I think its because she is still single and we used to be party buddies, and now I am always with him.

 

Have you considered that she wants you to stay away from him because she just thinks that you need to stay away from him?

[spinstermanquee]

I dated a crazy for a year and a half, he slid it in so quietly and insidiously that I didn't even know what I had gotten myself into until one day I woke up living in a fortress where my every phonecall was taped and I had a satellite tracker on my car (without my knowledge)!!! I couldn't go the gosh darn grocery store without him suspecting me of meeting up with someone! Get out while you can sweetie, he sounds like a pack o' trouble.

[enchanted771]

I dated a crazy for a year and a half, he slid it in so quietly and insidiously that I didn't even know what I had gotten myself into until one day I woke up living in a fortress where my every phonecall was taped and I had a satellite tracker on my car (without my knowledge)!!! I couldn't go the gosh darn grocery store without him suspecting me of meeting up with someone! Get out while you can sweetie, he sounds like a pack o' trouble.

Its not just the accusing me of cheating episode. It was also how he had outbursts. If he cant find something, Or anything that isn't going his way. He spilled a bucket of water on the kitchen floor and if I say he had a caniption, that would be an understatement. I suggested he get a therapist, not psych and I would be moral support. He had a psych for years he said, and was on medication and it didnt work. So, thats why I suggested a therapist or even couples counselling. He insists he doesnt need it because the issue is that the people in his bldg are jerks and think that their poop doesn't stink. He went on a rampage one night on the phone and I ended up hanging up. He said I should be here for h im and not abandon him, and turn on him. But come on, enough is enough. He just wouldn't stop. I understand venting, but its ALL THE TIME. Wasn't a good match.

[metrogirl]

Did you break up with him Enchanted?

[enchanted771]

I did, then he was begging me for another chance, so I gave him another chance and now I broke up again ugh. I just can't handle his outbursts, its just too much. Like i said, if he would get help I would stand by him, but he won't. He just starts quoting songs and making me feel guilty.

[metrogirl]

I did, then he was begging me for another chance, so I gave him another chance and now I broke up again ugh. I just can't handle his outbursts, its just too much. Like i said, if he would get help I would stand by him, but he won't. He just starts quoting songs and making me feel guilty.

 

What made you give him a second chance? He has to want to make things right, sure he will beg and plead and promise to change but you know and I know those changes won't come unless he gets help.

 

Be strong.

[enchanted771]

What made you give him a second chance? He has to want to make things right, sure he will beg and plead and promise to change but you know and I know those changes won't come unless he gets help.

 

Be strong.

 

I really wanted things to work. I know he can control it, if he really wants to. But there are just other anxiety, panic, issues (besides the anger ones) that he cant control. Even the daily things are a struggle for him. I do love him, but if he really wanted the relationship to work, he would do what it takes instead of being in denial.

[frenchyd]

After googling "constantly accuses me of cheating"... following months and months of accusations from the man I swore I would marry one day... I found this... and my heart dropped.

 

No matter how good of a man they are or how much we love them... they can't see past their own insecurities.... they swear they won't do it again, and then an appointment gets cancelled or a client needs to see a home an hour away...and it's right back to "i know you... i know what you're doing... you don't have to lie to me... why can't you just be honest... why don't you just tell me the truth..."

 

It's like a knife right through you each time... the devastating words... from one moment of perfectness... to the next of trying to defend everything you are as a woman.. everything you're worth.. and everything that he should already see in you but never will... it hurts. I know it's so wrong... but it still hurts deeper every single time...

 

So I'm sitting here...even as I'm writing these words.. trying to think of how we can get past this.. but deep down I know he will always always do this to me. I gave him my heart and for once actually imagined and wanted a life with someone else. I'm near 30.... and I finally picture a future with children. Then this?!?!?

 

It hit me when I stopped seeing "children, marriage, & the future..."... I had a dream. He was sitting there on the bed opposite side of me.. and i was sitting there in my white gown looking straight ahead with blank eyes and that sparkle of life had completely left me... a mother of his children... yet, here we were... and the words out of his mouth were "why can't you just tell me the truth, you don't have to lie to me.. i know how you are".. that feeling of helplessness and loss consumed me... at that moment of my dream I knew no matter the years I spent or the life I gave him... it would never be enough... and I would spend eternity trying to make him see who I was.... it would take my heart and soul from me...

 

I didn't want that...

 

However, I tried again... I gave him a chance again... I wanted to believe again... my mistakes.

 

Hopefully I won't fall into that again... I don't want to anymore. How is it some are so strong and some are so weak? We don't realize how much they hurt us until they aren't able to hurt us anymore...

 

Now.. I am going to do my best to move forward and never let him back through my door...

[biker26]

I have a similar problem. I was with my girlfriend for about 6 months. I was never the kind of guy who was jealous or even insecure. After 6 months of being with her. I had developed really strong feelings. I received a phone call saying that my gf may have been cheating on me. They emailed me nude pictures of her. And showed me a video where she is acknowledging that the guy she is about to sleep with has another gf. And I had to listen to her have sex. And it didnt look or sound like any of her ex's.

 

It devastated me. I couldn't eat or sleep for at least about a month. Up until then, all I could think of was marryhing her and to be with her. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. After going thru all that. Nothing she could do or say could assure me. We stuck together for almost at least another year. But the main problem was still there. All she still cared about was finding faults in me. Saying "oh i'm insecure and I will never change and I'm jealous."

 

I asked her how others got nude pics of her. Her response was that the movers were at her place and she had left the phone on the table and while she was away from the phone, they must have stolen the pics off her phone. Another thing I never got answered was how does she not know who's video it is.

 

Basically she left me all by myself to deal with it. After a year and still not having any answers. I got frustrated. I just wanted to let her go.

[biker26]

I have a similar problem. I was with my girlfriend for about 6 months. I was never the kind of guy who was jealous or even insecure. After 6 months of being with her. I had developed really strong feelings. I received a phone call saying that my gf may have been cheating on me. They emailed me nude pictures of her. And showed me a video where she is acknowledging that the guy she is about to sleep with has another gf. And I had to listen to her have sex. And it didnt look or sound like any of her ex's.

 

It devastated me. I couldn't eat or sleep for at least about a month. Up until then, all I could think of was marryhing her and to be with her. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. After going thru all that. Nothing she could do or say could assure me. We stuck together for almost at least another year. But the main problem was still there. All she still cared about was finding faults in me. Saying "oh i'm insecure and I will never change and I'm jealous."

 

I asked her how others got nude pics of her. Her response was that the movers were at her place and she had left the phone on the table and while she was away from the phone, they must have stolen the pics off her phone. Another thing I never got answered was how does she not know who's video it is.

 

Basically she left me all by myself to deal with it. After a year and still not having any answers. I got frustrated. I just wanted to let her go.

 

I know she loves me and I love her as well. But if there is no trust, there is nothing you can do to make it work. I decided both of us will be better off without each other.

[trustno1]

its one thing to be a little jealous now and again...especially when something the other half does or says is not normal.....you will have to make that choice to either continue dealing with this or fall back...sorry to hear ...if in fact you are being loyal to him and only him.....also....if you are "entertaining" anyone else via text , email etc.....that might be why he is suspicious of you......Men and women nowadays have forgotten the basic common respect when they enter a serious relationship...I blame technology.....its ruining realtionships, destroying marriages etc......