It's a strange world but there must be a way

[Batya33]

"I have joined Weight watchers and have lost 7 lbs so far. I feel good for it and I am sticking to the program. I find the meetings an utterly cringing experience ! ! lol The leader is trying to be motivational but I find it all cheesy pseudo psychology crap, he just looks anxious to me. Nevertheless I go and get weighed and try and be open, I attend the meetings every second week otherwise it's just too much hee hee"

 

I know a number of people who have done WW. One of my friends attends the meetings every week because she's met a number of cool people there -she works from home and is kind of introverted so this is a comfortable place for her to socialize. Do you think maybe the leader is just not the right fit for you? Congrats on the 7 pounds!

[quirky]

Thank you! I got weighed yesterday and had lost another 1.5 so 8.5 in total I had a nice chat with a lady that was studying ceramics. Yes the leader might not be right for me that's true but it's my closest meeting. Happy your friend enjoys it

[Batya33]

Good for you!! I'm all about convenience too.

[quirky]

I tried to break up with M last night. I hadn't planned it as such but been very concerned as we are coming up to 1 year since we have been together. I haven't told him I love him apart from once or twice when I was drunk. Something is stopping me from falling in love and I worry I don't feel excited and alive with him.

 

He completely lost it. Threw his jacket on the floor in the middle of a wide pavement, was angry and deeply upset, told me his life is over now, panicking, crying, saying he has nothing to live for, took a ring out he bought 2 months ago, said he wants to marry me and do and be everything I want him too, move jobs even as for him his job is not a success, move in with him, meet his kids. I tried to understand how he will want to marry someone/anyone that hasn't told him I love you or hasn't met his kids but he says we keep getting better and that's what matters. He kept saying we're great together and couldn't comprehend anything else. He blames my doubts on me having had a very busy scedule.

 

I felt afraid and crazy, like almost I was caring about his experience more than he did. I feel incredibly responsible for his emotions..he has no other close bonds so I guess for him it does feel like his life is over. This is one of the reasons I am apprehensive to be with him, all emotional caring is put on me as he doesn't share himself with anyone else or a hobby. He even thinks his cildren don't need him.

 

I feel absolutely awful.

[Batya33]

It sounds like a simple case of you are not that into him. I would let him go and find someone who is.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey again Quirky! M scares me with his breakup reaction. That's really not good or attractive.

[quirky]

Yes, it scares me too. Batya33 yes something always holds me back from really falling for him. It sounds awful but I think I don't like his life and I am apprehensive of blending my life with him. I see a desparation in him to be validated and that makes me not trust who he really is. To this day I don't know what his values are, what puts a fire in his belly, what he is deeply passionate about. Putting it simply I can't see us having similar values, it's not even about behaviour and hobbies, it's about the core of us as people.

 

I can see he is resistant and unwilling to consider and further accept what I am saying to him which makes it difficult to split up. I am worried about his reaction. I am still not 100% sure and that makes it hard for me to be firm which I know I will have to be. I am worried he has noone to support him emotionally and this makes me anxious to split up.

 

He is trying to pursuade me to see him on Monday and also to go on our booked holiday in 10 days time. He says we can spend some time together and then I can take time off. That sounds mad to me because I don't want to build on more memories if it's not to last. What is the best thing to do? For now I asked him not to contact me and take time to REALLY consider what I am saying to him.

[quirky]

My own personal doubts are as follows..am I just chasing dreams? He can offer me anything I want and if I can abandon certain desires I could have a good life with him. The desires I am talking about could be summed up as a certain sense of 'kinship'.

 

Playfulness and excitability and creativity are extremely important to me and I lack that exchange with him. I never play music in front of him. He is a stable man in some ways but not inspiring to me. I don't know if I admire him. I am not sure I agree with how involved he is with his kids and it makes me apprehensive to have kids with him. I get it..he was working a lot and didn't have enough time to invest in them, the crazy ex wife didn't help, though seeing how he mostly blames others than himself I have my doubts as to how 'crazy' the ex is. I worry how he thinks his kids don't need him..they are 10 and 14 and even if he is not living with them, he is the only father they will have.

 

He likes me being excited but he can't get excited much. I end up feeling I am the driving force of fun in the relationship. I am also the driving force of communication as he finds that hard too..like I am proding him to talk about his feelings or experience. I also don't find him very fuuny..he's very 'adult'.

 

The aspects I do like are that he is protective, reliable, intelligent, tactile and committed to the relationship. Big massive plus is that he understands and loves my culture. He'd be open to moving back to my home country but again I worry he's not worried about his kids even after they are both 18, they will still need him around no? He also has a high libido and likes to drink and go out. I am very afraid of not finding these traits again and just going for kooky guys that are immature, I struggle to trust my own thruth and experience

[Batya33]

I read many years ago -and now believe it to be true -that while pros/cons lists might have a minimal place in deciding whether to marry someone - keep it minimal or absent. Not because you should "just know" or only rely on feelings -but if you have to analyze to that extent -especially when it has to do with core values and what drives you -then throw away the list and know it is not right and that is ok.

 

Want to help? Offer to help him find someone to talk to and/or a yoga/meditation class and/or helpful books. Gently put -get over yourself - he will meet someone else if he wants to -you are not his savior/angel even if he thinks so now.

 

I will comment about communication. To me prodding someone else to talk about feelings is not a good way to communicate, I would accept the person as she is and be a good listener, offer comfortable energy and space so that the person can share, or not. I have made that mistake with my 7 year old for example and find that if I wait patiently he will share when he's ready -although often at an inconvenient time like bed time. Also very open ended questions help -not "how did you feel" but simply "what happened next?"

[quirky]

I agree with you Batya, maybe I didn't use the right word by saying proding, I meant similar to what you wrote, offering a comfortable space and being open and encouraging.

 

Gently put -get over yourself - he will meet someone else if he wants to -you are not his savior/angel even if he thinks so now.

 

That's really helpful. I remember my sister was dating this guy and when she left him he was under our house saying he will kill himself. He is married now to another woman.

 

I feel conflicted..talking to my mum and aunt, they say love is about working together well and that's mainly it. Not looking for that magical connection but being somewhat practical with it, if he loves me, he's good and can provide that's the most important. Aunt also told me I am a child of divorced parents and this is why commitment is elusive and hard. I am influenced because of their age and life experience but both have been divorced, have emotional difficulties in really letting someone in (they would never be able to acknowledge that) and have been single for years (no man is good enough, children have been the priority). So on one hand I am influenced and it petrifies me to think the right guy is not out there on another I wonder how I can get into something long term with doubts and uncertainty..I feel so torn.

[Batya33]

Do you feel excited and reasonably sure? Are your doubts/uncertainties resolvable or do they stay with you/shake you to the core? Love is about working together of course. To me, to take wedding vows I needed that plus to be excited about who I was marrying (not just excited about getting married).

[quirky]

Good points Batya.

 

M suggested couples counselling and I am leaning towards trying it. There's something about our relationship that really does work, the practical aspect for sure. And he just seems to handle the whole range of me and understands and loves my culture. I am still taking time to decide but I feel more likely to try it. Might be for 3 sessions or 3 months I don't know..

[Batya33]

It depends what your standards are. If on a practical level it works and your main focus is practical then go for it. I don't believe that's enough for you though. I don't think counseling's role is to make it enough.

[quirky]

Life here has been so different since Thursday's referendum. I feel directionless. Many EU nationals like me suddenly feel unwelcomed and 'other'. As the days go by I am trying to find the empathy in me to accept people's decision to leave and avoid any further divisions. It is all unsettling..it's like the genie is out of the bottle and xenophobic and racist comments are more pronounced. My future here as a EU citizen feels uncertain.

 

On a personal front the most distressing aspect is that M voted leave too. For his own reasons around democratic values. We have been going to couple's counselling which has helped to a large extend..

 

My 2 year course finished last Tuesday and that has caused a deep sadness in me as it was a space of growth, learning and transparent reflections.

My therapy sessions finished on Monday as it was college that was funding them.

The overall state of the UK is in limbo with a division between nationalism and diversity supporters.

2 of my flatmates have moved out and the house situation is changing too.

And my relationship is likely ending due to the different values being now clearly manifested in actions.

 

I feel such a sense of loss and lack of direction.

[Batya33]

Do you mean the couples counseling has helped you decide to leave the relaitionship?

[itsallgrand]

I wish I could just give you a big hug. So many transitions at once, it would cause stress for anybody. I think it's ok and natural to feel how you are feeling now. Are you able to spend some time doing something you love or that has helped ground you in the past? Sometimes that helps me. It's going to be ok.

[quirky]

Batya33- Couples counselling was helping us understand each other more. He was listening to me a little bit more and not claiming what I feel. As the sessions progressed I started to feel a healthy shift in me, this was influenced by other events in my life too. I realised that throughout my life I have been trying too hard with people. I try hard because I hope they will do the same, I care hoping they will care, I offer myself hoping they will offer themselves. Not constantly but overall I'd be hoping for something, a better society if that. This is all driven by my own existential anxiety, fear of loneliness and rejection. I started to understand that I still saw myself as a mistake in this world, that need to be explaining myself (I am obsessed with clarity) comes from an apologetic disposition of who I am or a needy place of wanting to be understood and/or accepted. In one of the sessions I said to the therapist 'I feel that it will take me forever to explain to you what it is I am sensing/experiencing' and I realised I wanted her validation that what I sense in M was correct because I am too apprehensive to trust my own judgment. In a previous session she asked me if I often don't know what I am feeling in a relationship and I replied that I do know but don't trust my judgment (I have returned to almost every boyfriend I had after splitting up with them). My inner narrative is that I am too much, too intense, too emotional, not realistic etc and that is the narrative that stops me from trusting myself. It now feels all a bit more simple in that it's me that has to live with it so I have to feel ok with it. I feel more detached but not less compassionate and that feels healthy.

 

In my flatshare things have gone crazy and my responsibility is that I didn't speak up earlier. I didn't speak up because I was trying to be understanding, accomodating..and in doing that they have assumed I didn't care and have taken advantage of my position. I felt it was too petty to point out small things yet they didn't know I was being accomodating and considerate to them perhaps for having a bad day. They thought she doesn't speak=she doesn't mind. And they ended up moving in a new flatmate behind my back, I saw her one day and thought she was someone's date, instead she told me she is already living here. I had tried on 4 occasions to contact the one flatmate that is staying so we can decide on a new person. All my attempts were ignored and a new person moved in behind my back. They even had the audacity to tell me that when the new flatmate visited I didn't say hi. When noone had informed me this was a potential flatmate in the kitchen. I thought it was a friend that had come over. So I learnt from that not to be so nice and accomodating because some people mirror that behaviour and some don't. I have also become more comfortable with others not liking me. Again because I feel more focused on my own judgment and because to some extend I have lost some faith in others after recent disappointments. I don't need to try as hard. I am good enough.

 

So those lessons helped in disassociating myself from M. For some days our relationship felt different and better I guess. But his vote means a lot to me and even though he has regretted it now it feels like a sign of what I was sensing all along. Before he voted he made a couple of sweeping statements on the people that wanted to remain which covers my whole social circle, a support system that has been there before he ever came along. I have often been uncomfortable with his views and arrogance.

 

I want to be with him and be inlove with him, just me and him alone on a remote place and knowing that I love his heart, mind and soul that I love who he is without him doing anything for me. I wondered..how much do I love his character without him doing or offering something to me..and that's where I felt something lacking. Whereas other boyfriends I have just loved them for who they are even if I could see long term we couldn't make each other happy. I think I am talking about a sense of kinship.

 

So now I can't trust him because his vote has contributed to me feeling uncomfortable here. His difficulty to suspect the ripple effects of a vote like this make me realise that he is out of touch with compassion for others and an understanding of what togetherness and diversity mean. I think his lack of emotional bonds, friendships, familial relationships and hobbies are indicative of his difficulty to fully engage with others and the world.

 

 

Despite me writing all this I know that soon enough I will be crying and realising that it is over. It hasn't hit me yet as I am still angry.

[quirky]

I wish I could just give you a big hug. So many transitions at once, it would cause stress for anybody. I think it's ok and natural to feel how you are feeling now. Are you able to spend some time doing something you love or that has helped ground you in the past? Sometimes that helps me. It's going to be ok.

 

Thank you so much, that really helps..it really does.

 

I did think of trying to do some music. There's a folk concert here, with songs from my country, that I would like to attend but I'm not finding anyone to accompany me atm. I am going to a march on Saturday in the day, it helps being around others that struggle to accept the exit too.

[Batya33]

I am glad you can articulate all this in writing. I'm also glad that your goal seems to be simplicity and clarity (as opposed to just talking yourself in circles, making excuses with psychobabble as some people do who are afraid of being decisive and clear). I am so sorry about the situation with your flatmates - I can relate, from the past.

 

I am not a fan of "you just know" but I do think that on the spectrum from "you just know" to overanalyzing one should be closer to the "you just know" end of things.

[quirky]

I still haven't began to think me and M are over. I have been too angry and absorbed at the current political situation. I went to the rally yesterday which was nice...and probably a bit healing too, being around others that felt similar.

[quirky]

Talked to M a bit tonight and it was hard. He just sent me a long email too of how he wants to marry me, I am the love of his life. I want his friggin voice to stop and to be free of this godamn guilt. I just want to listen to my voice not his. I have so much anger built up..

[IAmFCA]

Talked to M a bit tonight and it was hard. He just sent me a long email too of how he wants to marry me, I am the love of his life. I want his friggin voice to stop and to be free of this godamn guilt. I just want to listen to my voice not his. I have so much anger built up..

 

Wow I have missed this whole enfolding. I am sorry not to have seen your posts. And sorry for the pain you are going through.

[quirky]

Hey ITIC, you have missed episodes from Quirky's Dramaville lol..thank for your sympathy.

 

So...life is still pretty s**t. I saw M last night to give him his stuff that he had at mine. Great times. I cried for 1 hour then we had a couple of drinks and talked about general stuff. Today I have felt awful. Seeing him didn't help. I am always so unsure about him. Unable to fully commit, unable to leave..what is that about..? I don't even want to post on the Healing after breakup forum because most people will question why I'd be leaving this relationship. I was looking at him last night and on one hand I wanted to hide in his arms and for him to make everything ok again. And on the other remembering his vote and his lack of connectedness with people and life. One thought keeps me strong and somewhat focused. Trying to think..if he didn't do anything for me, didn't offer me comfort and financial ease..how do I feel about his character, his soul, his heart? Him for who he IS not for what he OFFERS..what do I feel for him, do I love him? And the truth is I don't know. I admire a lot of his skills and his mind but I don't know if I am inlove.

 

One would then think it'd be easy to move on from this. But he offers me so much stability, more than I have ever known before. I yearn for his protectiveness, his competence and support and how easily he can fulfil wishes simply because he has money. The money allows for spontaneity in trips, purchases, meals out. He has been so doting to me it'll be hard to go out with a normal guy.

 

I have filed in 2 application forms for jobs, one of them I really want. Helps me to look forward a bit but truth be told today was a real struggle.

 

The situation at home is very distressing to me. I have felt hurt by my flatmates and realise I can't stay here long. I asked for time off work to honour my feelings and relax without having to put on a customer service front. But the home doesn't feel like a safe environment that allows me to relax and that actually aggravates me more because I am using holidays and still feel stressed at home.

 

Really need to move soon. And get a new job. And a new placement. And get over M.

 

I just wanna hide

[Batya33]

I'm sorry this is so hard for you -I have been through similar and the internal struggle seems neverending.

 

One thing that struck me "The money allows for spontaneity in trips, purchases, meals out." How about considering whether you should seek different employment/jobs/career so that you can enjoy that spontaneity on your own? I have that in my family and I had it before I had a family -not talking about "wealthy" either. I did not have it so much growing up so I know the difference. And yes, it does allow for that kind of spontaneity and it eases stress when things go wrong - you can throw money at the problem and I don't mean that flippantly. But the trade-off is real - sometimes more or unpredictable hours of work, sometimes a job/career that is not your passion so that you have to experience your passion in volunteer work or hobbies, etc.

 

Baby steps, ok?

[quirky]

I am very actively looking for a different job, I just finished studying/retraining. Trouble is my field requires a lot of volunteering before I am cerified so it might take a while to hit some good money.

 

I want to clarify I am not money driven and that I can be spontaneous in many other ways, mostly creative. But I aknowledge that it provided a comfort I didn't have before. M doesn't think much of his job and quite frankly he's the most unhappy partner I have had, so teh trade off doesn't seem like it was worth it for him. He said he regrets 75% of his life which I find pretty sad.

 

It would be empowering to have money to offer to myself, that is an good thought.

 

Right now I am struggling very much to not contact him because other things are not working in my life. One of my recent friends from college seemed to have an issue with me and willing to close the door to our friendship even o_O I was so surprised..we shared a lot this last year and I experience the friendship as a mutual effort. I said it'd be good to discuss it, that perhaps something is escaping my awareness. But I can't help but feel like a softie, an idiot catering to others feelings too much. I worry there's something about my attitude and/or boundaries that enables others to feel they can get away with stuff. The truth though is that the people that seem to do that are afraid of their own vulnerability. Maybe there's something about my own vulnerability they dislike. That particular friend has difficulties with female friendships which is why I have taken it slow. Let's see..we might talk and clarify things. But that's the last thing I need right now.