Question

[Kailynn]

My ex and I have been broken up for just over two months. We've not spoken for a little over a month. Now, when we broke up it wasn't because of lack of love or feelings towards another. We both agreed we had planned and wanted a future together but, we weren't happy with the direction the relationship was going. Thins needed to change. As a short breakdown he felt he gave more effort than I did. I'm very laid back, I don't like to push, and I find myself always trying to make people happy by simply letting them make the decisions. So, he ended up always making the plans, always paying for things and so on. In general, he gave more than I did because I was terrified of giving him too much and pushing him away (I've been down that road before and I didn't want to go back. Especially since I was planning on marrying this guy) Anyways, I apologized, mentioned I'd like to work on things when the feelings have died down and agreed that time apart was a good thing for both of us. I really needed to be more independent.

 

Given the fact that we've been in NC for a while now and he hasn't really reached out to me should I say something to him? Our biggest downfall was that I didn't "try" hard enough to make things work. He knows I love him more than anything but, seeing as how I never tried much before wouldn't me not reaching to him confirm that? Even if he knows I'd like to try from my previous messages.

[DN]

Yes, of course you should reach out to him. Invite him for dinner at a place that you plan and make sure you make it clear that you are paying for it and that doing so is a marker for future behaviour.

[WildChild]

Given the fact that we've been in NC for a while now and he hasn't really reached out to me should I say something to him? Our biggest downfall was that I didn't "try" hard enough to make things work. He knows I love him more than anything but, seeing as how I never tried much before wouldn't me not reaching to him confirm that? Even if he knows I'd like to try from my previous messages.

 

Yes, IMO it would confirm that...at least it would in my mind if being in his shoes. It's great that you showed you were 'trying' through messages, but sometimes it takes a little bit more 'stepping up' ...through actions. You can keep communication open through messages (I'm assuming texts and/or emails???), but after awhile it's easy for the other person to feel that someone is just hiding behind messages by portraying like they're trying and putting in effort, but feeling like it really isn't a lot or meaningful efforts otherwise they'd be asking to see you, go for coffee, etc. and not just sending messages. Ya know what I'm saying?

 

I tooootttallly get what your fears are of putting so much out there that you may push someone away...I've conditioned myself in the last 2 years of doing the same, and I've put up walls which has hindered me when all I was trying to do was protect myself or not ruin things by seeming pushy, or clingy, or 'too into them' etc., but in the end it ruined things and those relationships. So what steps or practices have you been doing or taking to maybe curb those tendencies? What I would say and/or suggest through my thoughts, is IF he realizes you are trying, and he may appreciate that, he may want to see ACTION and not just words. So if he were me, I would be waiting to see what actions you are working on to improve this or these concerns he's had, and not taking too much consideration in your messages. Something that you could show me, so that it would be easier to come back to you and not feel like I was putting in all the effort. But, too, in the time being I would be moving on with my life even if I loved or cared for you.

[Kailynn]

I thought so. See, up until the past week he's been away at school. He's doing grad school in a different state and our relationship is primarely long distance even though we live in the same town. I didn't want to jump the gun and attack him with messages when he got home but, I also don't want to seem uninterested. When we talked a few days post breakup he sent me a message that roughly said he was taking time and space from things. That he was sorry things didn't go the way we hoped and that for now, if he didn't respond to things it's nothing personal. Since then he's removed me and my family from Facebook. Likely, to make things easier on him, I can't blame him.

 

At this point I'd love to show him I've realized how awful I was, even if it wasn't entirely on purpose. My previous LTR ended horribly as I had been raped by a stranger and he abandoned me when he "thought I wanted it". I had given him everything and he threw it in my face. This time around I had fallen head over heels for him and I was SO afraid he'd leave me just when I got comfortable, hence my lack of effort. Honestly, I was terrified. I know I hurt my ex by making him feel as if he didn't mean much to me and we had tried to tackle this issue before. Since we've been broken up I've restarted my counseling and I'm really in a much better place. I finally don't feel like I'll screw things up if I show a little more of who I am. I'm really the card on a random day, I love you texts, and surprise party planner. I had been hiding that to keep from "smothering" him I suppose.

 

I told him a month ago that when he arrived home from school that I'd love to sit down and talk as well as give him a few items I've had at my house. He didn't respond but he didn't say no either. At this point I'm just not sure how to approach things. I don't want to call him and get shut down because him kind of keeping me out of his life has hurt me as well. What exactly would I say?

[DN]

"I know that, for reasons that I could explain some other time, I was not putting all my effort into the relationship - you were quite right to have said so. It was not that I didn't want to but I held back for the reasons I just mentioned. I would love to have a second chance at the relationship and this time do my share to make it work - can I buy you dinner at ...... next ........ so we can talk and get things back on track? At least, let me apologise in person."

[WildChild]

Oh my gosh Kailynn, I am soooooo sorry to hear you were raped. I have tears in my eyes....I canNOT imagine, and my heart breaks for you. My gosh, you are a strong woman in so many ways!!!I'm glad to hear you aren't allowing this to destroy you. Something that would easily and understandably happen. And just as glad to hear you went back into counseling so that you can continue to keep yourself in a better place all the way around. (((HUGS girl!!)))

 

I don't know how to tell you to go about it. Given the backdrop you've given in terms of him wanting to take some time and space, do you think that if you messaged him to see if he would like to go for coffee/pop that he would respond? If you said that you're respecting his space, but now with this time, you have some things to share with him, and would he be open to meeting you so you can share those?

[Kailynn]

Thanks you two

 

He and I have no secrets so, he's well aware of the situation I was in. I can imagine he knows just how hard it was for me. Unfortunately, when we started dating I thought I was alright as it had been 2 years since the event. He and I dated for 2 years and I'm sure he knew how much I cared but, I didn't realize just how terrified I was of losing him until it got to the point that he was fed up. Ultimately I wanted the same things as he did, I just didn't see it until I was forced to. Since my counseling I feel much better and I'm grateful. The problem is, he asked for space and I feel as if I contact him I'm violating that suggestion. My previous attempting at asking for a talk in the future went unanswered and I'm concerned that it might happen again. I know he's hurting too, as dumpers aren't usually cruel people, so this is a hard decision. I also feel though, that if I don't say anything he'll assuming I'm not willing to initiate any effort and thats not the case. I remember him saying something that I was beginning to feel like his obligation, not his girlfriend and I don't want that. I don't want our time together to be expected instead of enjoyed.

 

I'm going on vacation next Saturday for a week. Perhaps when I get back I'll send him a quick message. If he responds great, if not, I guess I know where I stand. Although I certainly won't be happy about it. I figure it'll give him enough time to settle in and it won't feel like he's obligated to make the plans as he has in the past.

[WildChild]

Ok, what about a letter? Not an email, but mailing a letter? I'm thinking of some things between what DN suggested, mixed with my question/suggestion, along with you just said ^^^. My thought is, it's going to let you word things and your feelings properly in a letter, and something tangible for him to actually hold while reading, plus it's more personal AND really, it is showing action as well...that you took the time to handwrite a letter. This way too it will give him time to reflect, think about things, etc. afterwards. And not something that he can just ignore i.e. texts, emails, etc.

[Kailynn]

Ok, what about a letter? Not an email, but mailing a letter? I'm thinking of some things between what DN suggested, mixed with my question/suggestion, along with you just said ^^^. My thought is, it's going to let you word things and your feelings properly in a letter, and something tangible for him to actually hold while reading, plus it's more personal AND really, it is showing action as well...that you took the time to handwrite a letter. This way too it will give him time to reflect, think about things, etc. afterwards. And not something that he can just ignore i.e. texts, emails, etc.

 

That's a good idea. I'm worried though, that if I send him a letter that it'll sound too much like I'm writing him a love poem lol I have no doubt in my mind that he's well aware of the love I hold for him. He knows I want to be in a relationship with him because I've said it. I don't want to make a step at reaching for him and have it seem like a desperate attempt to get his attention. I mean, if he wanted he could text me and he's not. I just can't seem to make sense of what I'm wanting to do. Part of me wants to wait to hear from him, then I know he's not over in his house telling terrible stories about me and the other wants to reach out to show I'm making a change and this is the first step. Oh complicated

[Kailynn]

What about something like this?

 

 

Hey Ex, I hope you're doing well. I know those last few weeks of school are always the hardest. It's been a while and I'd love to get together some time and talk. I know a good restaurant I've been wanting to try and It'd be my treat. On a night you have free I'll swing by and get you and we can check it out. Have a good week

 

I'm trying to go for something that doesn't put pressure on him and at the same time suggests I'm interested.

[WildChild]

Ok, so let's go from here then if you are up to writing one. I'm still chewing on exactly what or how to word the letter, but my thoughts on the letter is that you are letting him know things that he right now is not aware of, steps you are taking during this time, etc. It's just a matter of how to word it. I think, and in my first thoughts when having thought of the letter, was to let him know and express to him things that DN suggested, but also because he opened your eyes more to things. And because of that, you realized what you were doing, and why. And adding in additionally, that this became something very important to you because you can see what he was saying, and it wasn't who you are, and because not only for yourself but if you two were ever to go back into a relationship you took his concerns seriously enough to make these changes that you know you need to make, and take these changes you're working on with you, regardless if he chooses to work things out or not. So he knows you aren't just doing them to 'win him back.' So something along the lines of that. This just rambling out my thoughts, with little to no organization in 'em LOL The letter would be more eloquent LOL

[Kailynn]

Sounds good. I'll try to get one started and I'll post it here eventually. Hopefully it doesn't backfire lol

[SlowBlues]

This thread is very interesting to me. Kailynn your situation reminds me of mine in some ways. It sounds like so far you are handling yourself well. I'm a male dumpeeso my perspective may be a bit different but it is perspective nonetheless. My ex wanted a break and space just over 2 months ago because I was depressed and confused with what I wanted to do with my life. I took our relationship for granted as I was unhappy with pretty much everything in my life except with her, who I love very much. Our relationship was great overall, though we were on/off long distance several times and for most of the latter part of the relationship. She was putting in a lot of the effort into the relationship and did not feel like she was getting enough from me in return (rightfully so). She also had very important decisions to make regarding law school and moving back home to our city. After about a week of LC (no begging or pleading just me telling her how much this hurt and how sad I was) I went NC, deleted her on FB, phone, email, everything. I knew I had to accept it as more than just giving her space, I had to accept it as a full on break up.

 

Anyway for weeks and weeks following me implementing NC I was devastated, panicky, depressed but I pushed on. I started focusing on myself and what I really wanted for myself and good things started to happen. I started my own business which I am slowly working on building up and rediscovered old passions and hobbies as well as seeing my friends more and reestablishing old friendships. Not a day went by where I didn't think about her but I pressed on and kept trying to do positive things, use my anxiety as motivation for myself instead of letting it shut me down. My depression was lifted but my love and feelings never diminished.

 

6 weeks into NC she sends me a random text message one night asking me how I was doing. She explained what she'd been up to and the decisions she'd made since we last spoke and explained that she has moved back to our city to start her summer internship and will be attending law school here in the fall. I responded politely and it was nice to hear from her. I could sense a sad tone from her and she explained later that she was feeling overcome with emotions and decided to message me. This confirmed to me that she still at least had some feelings for me. Anyways that was about 3 weeks ago and we have had 3 conversations over text since then, one being on her birthday which was last week.

 

I decided it was time to test things out and I asked if she had some free time to catch up over coffee. She agreed and after a few back and forth messages trying to figure out the right time to do it we decided to do it next week over her lunch break at work. The time and place was her decision. I assume that she wants it to be on her terms and wants it to be at a time and in a place where there is a time restriction so that things don't escalate to more than they should. It is what it is. We're going to see each other for the first time in 3 months and do some more catching up. I felt it was time to see her and she did not disagree which I take as at least a good sign. I also figured it was better that we see each other for the first time post break-up on our own terms as opposed to us randomly running into each other at some point and it being an awkward encounter. I know that I took a risk in asking her to meet and ultimately meeting with her is a huge risk to my psyche but I feel like it has to be done and I ready to deal with whatever comes from it. I will be kind and courteous, LISTEN to her and genuinely be interested in what's going on in her life. Her biggest complaint in the relationship was that she felt like I didn't act interested enough in her life and didn't show it to her. I was interested in her life but I was too wrapped up in my own problems and depression to return the attention that she warranted. All I can do at this point is show her that I'm happy again and willing to listen and be interested in her life, which I am.

 

This isn't meant to hijack your thread, but I think that my story at least relates to yours in some ways that sharing it might make you feel better. When the time is right, and you are ready to deal with the consequences, whether good or bad, ask him if he's ready to meet for coffee/lunch/dinner and catch up. If he accepts then great. Be prepared and show him the things that you weren't able to while you guys were still in the relationship. If he's not ready then keep working on yourself and wait for the right time to try again. You are going on vacation which is great. Enjoy that and do some reflecting while you are on it. By the time you are back you'll be ready to send him that message and deal with whatever the outcome is. I'm really pulling for you here.

[Kailynn]

I appreciate the support. I hope things work out for you as well. I'm really very nervous. I'm tempted to send him a text now simply because I'm thinking about it. I haven't felt this ready in a while. I'm confused on how to suggested a meet up with out making it sound like I'm trying to date him. That is what I'd like eventually but at this point I just want to open the doors to communication again.

[SlowBlues]

You're not going to send the text now. You may feel like you want to but you know that now is not the time. I know thinking about it and talking about it arouses feelings about doing it but you aren't going to. I'm not sure what to think about how you should approach a meet up. Obviously you want to show him that you care and are making efforts that you weren't previously making but at the same time I know you don't want it to come accross as too emotional or like you're trying to ask him out on a date.

 

Maybe just suggesting a simple catch up over coffee would be best for your first meeting. It makes it seem less date like and there's less pressure involved in having the meet up go as you planned. Something like "It's been a while and I was wondering if you'd like to catch up over coffee soon if you have some free time." If he responds yes then you can see what his schedule is like and suggest a great new cafe you recently found out about and say something cute like "coffee is on me or something like that.

[Kailynn]

Well, I definitely sent it. No response yet but, I do feel alright. I figure it's nice to know where I'll be so I can adjust accordingly. It's been almost 2 months of not speaking, now or never really.

 

Anyways I just said this: Hey, I hope you're doing well. I know the last few weeks are school are always the hardest. It's been a while and I'd love to get together some time. I know a restaurant I've been wanting to try and It'd be my treat. If you have a free day/night I'll swing by, pick you up and we can check it out. Have a good week

[SlowBlues]

Interesting. I hope you get a positive response. I probably would have phrased a few things differently but I don't know you guys so I'll leave it at that. Really pulling for you and keep updating the thread.

[Kailynn]

Well, like I said in previous posts..I never made plans and I never offered to pay and I never offered to drive. I wasn't in the position to during most of our relationship so, it's just a way of opening the door with some positive changes without actually stating them. I have no intentions of bringing up our relationship. I genuinely want to go in as friends and I'm okay with that for now. We have to exchange our things anyway, as I still have a number of his and he has mine as well. If nothing comes of our short meet up then at least we'll get the finalities taken care of.

 

It's more likely that he'll respond positively or ignore me all together. If he ignores me I'll assume he's not ready and I'll try again a while from now. I didn't see the point in waiting an extra week just to wait a week.

[endy]

Kailynn, you need to reach out if that's what you want in a man. I don't get what the problem is with you not paying for things though, or making decisions. That's a man's job IMO. A woman should work if she needs to. I think it would help a lot if you two started talking again if you set goals for the relationship. Maybe he felt like he just wasn't getting enough in return for everything he was doing. Can't add much to it that DN and WC didn't already cover.

[Kailynn]

Kailynn, you need to reach out if that's what you want in a man. I don't get what the problem is with you not paying for things though, or making decisions. That's a man's job IMO. A woman should work if she needs to. I think it would help a lot if you two started talking again if you set goals for the relationship. Maybe he felt like he just wasn't getting enough in return for everything he was doing. Can't add much to it that DN and WC didn't already cover.

 

Oh, it's never that I didn't want to. I definitely did. I just wasn't able to. I had tried for months to get a job and it's been nearly impossible. Ultimately, and he's said this himself, he felt as if he gave 90% and I gave 10%. He felt I didn't put enough effort into making him happy, the relationship happy, and making things equal between the two of us. I like being taken care of to an extent however, I'm not willing to let a man do everything and I believe we needed the breakup just as much as he did. There was definitely some confusion on what he was expecting from me and I want to fix that. I want to give him more of what he wants even though I never realized I wasn't until now. I do believe the air needs to be cleared and I don't see how remaining in NC is going to fix anything. I believe I've waited a long enough time that the initial breakup shock is over for both of us.

[WildChild]

Well, I definitely sent it. No response yet but, I do feel alright. I figure it's nice to know where I'll be so I can adjust accordingly. It's been almost 2 months of not speaking, now or never really.

 

Anyways I just said this: Hey, I hope you're doing well. I know the last few weeks are school are always the hardest. It's been a while and I'd love to get together some time. I know a restaurant I've been wanting to try and It'd be my treat. If you have a free day/night I'll swing by, pick you up and we can check it out. Have a good week

 

Fingers crossed for you

[Kailynn]

Fingers crossed for you

 

 

Thanks hope it goes well. He hasn't responded to me which I was vaguely expecting. If he shot off one right away I'd be concerned he really was a giant jerk, at least this way he's thinking about it lol