On a break - Was it love or dependancy?

[DennisK]

Hi,

 

I'd just like to say that this is a great forum to help people like me who are hurt and confused. So thank you in advance to all contributors.

 

First, some background and I apologise if its a little long winded, but I'll try and type only relevant things.

 

I'd been together with my fiance for 6 years (she's 26 and I'm 33) and things were fantastic. We were so in love and we both felt as though we'd found our 'one'.

 

Just over 3 years ago, she was really unhappy with her job and took the tough decision to go back to University and better. I told her to go for it as I could see how unhappy work was for her and getting a house together could wait. (she has always lived with her mum and I have my own place). She said that she couldn't move in with me in my house as its too small for her and her big dog and i don't have a garden.

 

During those 3 years I supported her emotionally, academically and to a certain extent financially. But I didn't mind at all as I loved her and she loved me back. I also gave her my old car to get to and from Uni. She said she'd pay me for it, but never has paid me back fully for it. But again, I didn't mind as I figured we'd share everything eventually anyway.

 

Also during those 3 years, she also had to have two major operations which have affected her hearing and she will probably end up deaf in years to come. I'm ashamed to say it, but I did momentarily think about bolting but decided that I loved her too much to leave and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, come what may. So I stood by her and supported her through those difficult times.

 

On last years Valentine's Day, I proposed to her out of the blue and she immediately said yes and it was the happiest day of our lives and in June she graduated with a good degree, of which I was immensely proud of her. In August, she managed to get a good job related to her degree which is about 45mins drive away and she loves what she does. I was really happy for her as it justified her decision to take the risk to go back to Uni. and we could make plans now for our future.

 

Now during those 3 years, I really should have been working hard on getting my house sorted in order to put onto the market to sell for us to get a bigger place together, as thats always been the plan. But for financial reasons and just putting it off doing other things (I admit!) its only just now that my house is nearly ready and its been causing all kinds of arguments for the past 6 - 8 months.

 

She has been arguing that the house not being ready sooner and me dragging my heels makes her think that I lack commitment and don't want to get a house together with her, when nothing could be further from the truth. At this point, I need to add that that I’ve renovated nearly every room and paid for everything myself. She has helped me on the odd occasion with the work, but not contributed anything financially.

 

She has been saving some money away each month though, as far as I know, for when my house is in a position to sell. Her heart was all dead set for us to get our own place as there was barely a day that would go by without her scouring the property pages. She would also talk about us getting married and how our wedding would be etc.

 

I also need to add that since January, its been a really difficult time for us both as she got diagnosed with needing more surgery (which went successfully in late March) and I’d been threatened with redundancy. So we’d both not really been our usual fun selves since the beginning of this year. We came through it though and I thought the reason she was becoming increasingly snappy with me and not wanting to be intimate or have sex was just to due our stress, her physical recovery from her operation and both of us being tired from doing long hours at work.

 

Looking back, communication was breaking down and we’d not really had a good length of time to ourselves to talk though our problems. I am to blame for this just as much as her. I was blind to what was happening right under my nose, whereas she obviously wasn’t. I guess she couldn’t face talking it through with me earlier for fear of upsetting me or having another argument.

 

Anyway, I knew something was wrong when she went down to Wales to visit some of her family and I barely heard a word from her. Just the one text per day, when normally we’d talk every day without fail. Later on she would tell me its because she was trying to figure out if she was missing being apart from me or not.

 

She went around to her friends a few weeks ago and when she was there, she sent me a text saying that she was dreaming of us all alone on a beach, staring at the stars and talking all night, just talking, which looking back was a cry for help or a test. I texted her back saying that sounded great. She got back to her mum’s late and sent me another text saying she was tired and was going straight to bed. I asked her if things were ok between us and she said that she thinks we do need to talk.

 

I went around the next day and to cut to the chase, she said that she was still not convinced about my commitment as she keeps needing to nag me to get my house ready to sell, that it shouldn’t be this hard and that she cannot do it any longer. She also questioned my commitment to asking her to marry me, saying that she feels as though I was pressured into it by her, which really hurt.

 

She said that she’s been thinking more and more about getting her own place instead, as she’s not been single since her teens and doesn’t know what that is like, whereas I have. I know that she would really struggle to afford a place on her own though. She also bought up the few negative things from the past which we’d already sorted, so it was clear that she’d just been thinking of them and not the great many good things we had going for us, which far outweigh any bad moments we’ve had.

 

She said that she didn’t miss me, or pine for me while she was away in Wales like she usually does and doesn’t feel the same about me as she did a year ago. She said she still loves me, but not as much as she did. But thinking about it now a couple of weeks later, I think her love for me was more of a dependency thing and she was relying on me for her happiness as she used me so much for support.

 

Now that she has graduated, got a job she loves, gained confidence and earning, she doesn’t need to depend on me as much and is confusing this with her not loving me. I’ve always thought that her love for me was very intense. So much so, that at times I’ve questioned myself if I was doing something wrong in not feeling as intense in return, even though I love her with all my heart. I’ve always been a confident person and happy in myself generally, whereas she suffers from a degree of self doubt and has had self esteem issues in the past, but have been largely absent during our time together (as far as I know).

 

The relationship before her previous one was very abusive too and she’s been cheated on in the past. She also has serious fatherhood issues as her father walked on her mum at the age of 5. So we’ve had small niggling trust issues even though she says she trusts me totally. I’ve always trusted her totally throughout our relationship.

 

I do understand, that she could see me as holding her back. As she has improved herself, whereas in her eye’s I’ve stood still in not having the house ready in time and not seen to be doing enough to move forward with her. I totally accept this and now regret being a lazy bugger in not having the house ready sooner.

 

Another thing to comment on, is that we’re very alike and both can be quite stubborn and don’t like being told what to do (her more so). Our relationship could sometimes feel like a fight for power, which tended to keep us on our toes and it made things fun and passionate. I never really saw it as a downside. More as a feature as to what made our relationship tick. Maybe I’m wrong on this. Who knows?

 

Anyway, she (rightly) said that she can’t commit to us getting a house together feeling the way she currently does and that she needs a break from us to decide what she wants and to ‘clear her head’. She tearfully asked if we could stay friends if we do break up as I was her best friend, but I said that would be too hard from me and couldn’t stay friends with her, as seeing her with another person would destroy me and I wouldn’t be able to heal if it came to that.

 

When I got back home, I sent her a text to tell her to take all of the time she needs. She sent me a text saying that she was really sorry and didn’t mean for this to happen and that she just wants me to be happy and that the way she currently feels, she‘s not making me happy.

 

This speaks volumes as she doesn’t realise that our own happiness isn’t the responsibility of each other, but you need to be happy in yourself to be in a successful long lasting relationship. Or maybe she has started to come to his conclusion herself and realises that she never really actually loved me for being me and this is why she’s asked for the break.

 

It will be 3 weeks on Tuesday, since we broke up and since then I’ve only sent her a single text last Saturday asking if she was ready to talk and that I’d understand if she wasn’t (I regret sending it now). She said that she was sorry, as she knows it must be hell for me, but that she needs more time to ‘clear her head’. I replied back saying that I understand its hard for her too (and not just me), that we do need to talk, but only when she is ready and left it at that.

 

In the meantime, I’ve been working hard on the house getting the last few jobs done. I recognise my mistake in being a fool to dismiss how much I was hurting her, by not getting the house done sooner. I’m willing to do all I can and whatever it takes to show my commitment to her and put my side of things right. At least then, if the worst comes to the worst I’m satisfied in my knowledge that I’ve done all I can to reconcile and improve myself as a person.

 

I do wonder though, as to why she hasn't contributed anything financially to getting my house ready to sell? I know its my house, but it would have been both of our investment as the equity from the sale of it wouldn't have funded the purchase of our new house. The only thing I can think of, is that she had doubts about my commitment and didn't want to put any money in when she wasn't sure if I was 100% into it.

 

I think I understand things more clearly now. But I cannot help but feel sometimes like I’ve been used. That she loved me when she needed me, but now doesn’t want me in her life now that she has some direction and has much less dependency on me.

 

It hurts so bad to think that maybe she never really loved me for being me, but instead loved me for what I was able to do for her. But who is to say where one begins and the other ends??? The only comfort I have is that she must be feeling terrible too as you can’t just switch off feelings for another person after 6 (largely fantastic) years together.

 

The thing which is driving me crazy, is that I don’t know what has been a bigger contributing factor to her asking for this break; the fact I was hurting her with a perceived lack of commitment, or if she really does want her independence. I guess she must be thinking the same things, hence she needs more time.

 

I know that in the long run, I’m better off without somebody who depends on me for their happiness as that it just a non-sustainable situation. But I miss her so much and the good times we had together and think we’ve been through too much together to give up easily. I really do believe we could be happy together.

 

I hope we can recognise our mistakes and come back from this, but I am almost prepared for the worst. I’ve already deleted all of her texts and deleted her and her mothers numbers off my phone. I’ve placed any pictures of her in a box, gathered all of her stuff from around my house and put it into a black bin liner, ready to give back to her quickly if required.

 

Sorry for the huge post, but its helped me a little to type all of this out.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[DennisK]

Just read though my post and it really does just come accross as a general vent. My apologies, i guess I'm just really still so confused and just want some answers which only my ex can give me.

 

My real question are;

 

1) Do people think my ex was dependent on me rather than in love with me?

 

2) What do people think was the main reason behind my ex asking for our break? Was it because I wasn't putting enough effort in getting the house ready showing a loack of commitment, or do people think she really does just want her independence? I'm tending to think that the former has lead to her thinking the latter, which just fills me with regret.

 

3) If I show her and tell her of how sure I am of my commitment to her and I know understand exactly what I want, do you think we can make another go at it? I know she still loves me.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think she loved you, I think maybe she loves you still. She wasnt DEPENDENT on you so much as maybe shes just changed, as people grow up, they change, she got her degree, new job, meets new people. Maybe shes just changed.

 

I feel like shes confused.

 

Give her time and space and keep doing what your doing.

[tattoobunnie]

Wow...my boyfriend and I are long distance, and while he plans to move here soon, the fact that he doesn't go through his stuff, apply to more jobs in my area, it makes me think that he will drag his feet...and it'll turn into a year later. The truth is though, he is applying to jobs. But I question his capability to get things done. But no one is like me...anal, plans way in advance, etc. I don't question his commitment.

 

I don't think she was using you, but she should also understand that putting your home in this market is TOUGH! I mean, I'm not sure why you couldn't move in with her temporary, make some money by making your apartment into a rental, and then getting a bigger place together.

 

I think if you shared with her more directly a timeline of things, it wouldn't make her feel so insecure about the relationship and where it was heading. And buy her a ring! Show that you're investing in her. Yeah, knowing someone for six years, and doing it on a whim, even if you both really love eachother, then don't get a ring afterwards, nor pick a date...yikes, it can say, I'm only proposing cuz I want to keep you, but I don't ever plan to take steps towards it.

 

I think you have a fighting chance...but you gotta get your butt moving!

[Success]

I know how you feel Dennis. You genuinely loved her and gave yourself to her and the relationship, that is something you should be proud of and try to focus on.

 

1) She was definitely dependent on you, but I am sure she also loved you deeply. Whenever she was in need she turned to her rock... you.

 

2) The reason your ex broke up with you seems to be because she's growing up and changing. Hate to say it, but now she wants to test the waters and see what else is out there. A person changes a lot from 20-26, they go from kid to young adult and it's a whole new interesting world. If she hasn't experienced much of life and got all the young adult business out of her system, she'll want to do that and it seems like that's the point she's at now.

 

3) She already knows how committed you are to her. She knows you love her deeply, don't kid yourself for a second about that. Women KNOW when they got a man wrapped around their finger. She knows you're there for her and will always be there for her. Time to play the game Dennis... give her all the space she needs to experience life (this will mean she'll probably get involved with another guy or two or five or ten depending how much she needs to get out of her system). In the meantime, do NOT contact her and live your life as though she did not exist anymore. If you meet someone new and want to explore it, go for it. This is a growing period for the both of you so do NOT wait around for her to come back to you. If it was meant to be, then she'll come around a more mature and established woman.

[DennisK]

I'm not sure why you couldn't move in with her temporary, make some money by making your apartment into a rental, and then getting a bigger place together.

 

I think if you shared with her more directly a timeline of things, it wouldn't make her feel so insecure about the relationship and where it was heading. And buy her a ring! Show that you're investing in her. Yeah, knowing someone for six years, and doing it on a whim, even if you both really love eachother, then don't get a ring afterwards, nor pick a date...yikes, it can say, I'm only proposing cuz I want to keep you, but I don't ever plan to take steps towards it.

 

I think you have a fighting chance...but you gotta get your butt moving!

 

 

Hi tattoobunnie,

 

Thanks for replying. We were already engaged since Valentine's Day last year. When I proposed she said yes immediately with tears in her eye's and it was the happiest moment of our lives. When I left her house after we agreed to the break, she gave me the ring back which looking back is understandable. As she cannot figure out what she wants with that serving as a constant pressure and reminder. It still broke my heart though.

 

I asked her to move in with me before, but she says that my house is too small for her and her large dog and I don't have a garden. Plus, the area I live in isn't too great. I can't move in with her as she has always lived with her mum during the time we've been together. We actually set a date for summer to get my house on the market, which was very achieveable and I'm currently working my arse off to get it done on my own. But I guess she's been thinking with all of the arguments its a case of too little too late, even though she's not contributed anything financially towards it so far which she must surely realise?

 

Do I have a right to feel aggrieved that she's not contributed anything financially towards getting my house ready to sell? Since she got her job, she's bought a top of the range £2000 Macbook Pro which she says she needed for work and we had a bust up before that when she said she wanted to buy a new car, when she should be saving up like me to get a house together. She didn't seem to acknowledge why I got so annoyed at that even though she desperately wanted us to get a place together and was giving me a hard time about it.

[DennisK]

Hi Success,

 

Since graduating and getting her job, she's definitely changed and become more confident, more independent and it makes me really happy to see she's doing something which she loves. Although if I am brutally honest with myself, I've missed her being dependent on me and being her knight in shining armour and been slightly jealous of how much her work has been taking of her time. So I recognise that I need to change to the adjusted dynamic of our relationship too. If anything, things are more equal and balanced than they were before as neither of us are dependent on the other now, but we need to recognise this and work through it if we can.

 

Although she was only 20 when we got together, she is wise beyond her years as she'd been engaged before in an abusive relationship and had relationships before and after that before getting together with me. She's also been to Uni before and dropped out and also worked full time in a selection of jobs so she has plenty of life experience despite her young age. My gut feeling is that deep down she doesn't want to see what else is out there, but I do accept thats its a possibility and that its difficult for me to think any other way. So please excuse my tunnel vision.

 

I hope she really does realise how committed I am to her and I know she knows how deeply I love her. But with regards to me being wrapped around her little finger, our relationship hasn't been like that. I didn't pander to her every whim and wasn't a walkover by any means. I did a hell of a lot for her, but I was always the more independent and self assured person. Like I said previously, sometimes it could feel like a fight for power in our relationship and this current situation has put all of the power to her which isn't healthy. This is why I'm trying my hardest to go NC and I really regret sending her that text last Saturday asking if she was ready to talk. I've been trying to go about normal business, playing my sport, seeing friends and family etc. but its so hard. I'm off out tonight with the boys though, which should be 'interesting'. We were supposed to be going to my cousin's wedding at the end of this month, but I've had to call them and tell them to cancel my fiance's place. It had to be done.

 

The one positive thing, is knowing that she still does love me. The reason I know this is because my meddling brother and sister in law sent her an e-mail saying how sorry they were to hear about or problems and that they hope we can work things out. At the end of her reply, she said that she does still love me, but doesn't know if we can come back from this. I'm trying not to read too much into this, but its difficult not to. All I know is, she's even more confused than I am.

[DennisK]

I do know, that we will talk sooner rather than later. But when we do, I'm not sure how to go about handling it?

 

Do I spill my guts out trying to tell her how committed I am to her, or do I try and keep emotions low key, stay calm and discuss things rationally with a clear head? Obviously, this depends on how she reacts too.

 

I don't want to come accross as dumping emotional baggage on her, when she already has enough of her own to contend with. But on the other hand, I don't want to come accross as business like, as though I'm not passionate about what I'm saying.

 

When we had a previous argument about her questioning my commitment to her, I broke down in tears (I'm usually a very rational person and rarely cry) when I said to her how proud and happy I was when I saw her graduate last year and it took this show of emotion to convince her. I fear that the way I feel right now, I'll break down in tears again when I mention certain things, such as how much it meant to me when she said yes to marrying me, but I don't want this to come accross as begging or being pathetic. This will just reinforce her decision to break up for good.

 

HELP!

[DennisK]

Well went out with the boys last night for a meal, film and drinks afterwards. Not sure if it made me feel better or worse to be honest. But at least I made the effort to get out and was nice to see some mates who'd I'd not seen for a while. Was grateful for the movie to take my mind off things for a couple of hours at least.

 

When we went out for drinks afterwards, it just made me really really miss my partner something chronic and made me realise how lucky we are to have each other. I wonder if she is thinking the same thing. Did have a couple of ego boosts though as a hot friend of a friend said that I was really funny and was given the eye by a couple of girls in a nightclub. I'm not interested though.

 

Have blocked Facebook on my web browser. Not the same as deleting her off, but the next best thing as I've been weak and kept checking up on her at least twice daily. She only started posting on there again on Friday and seeing her get on with her life with me not in it was only causing me pain. I've deliberately not posted anything for a fortnight and I know she checks on FB about a dozen times a day on her BlackBerry. She doesn't need any reminders of me right now.

 

Feel a bit low this morning as she used to always stay over at mine at Saturdays and we'd lie in on Sunday morning. Miss her so much, but staying strong on NC.

 

Off out this afternoon to play 5-a-side. Think I may hit the gym next week too as been neglecting that side of things for quite a while as never had the spare time when I was with her.

[DennisK]

Had a bad day today. But ended ok.

 

Spent most of last night painting the stairs and landing, listening a few CD's. Was even able to listen to a few sad love songs and actually sing along out loud to them. Felt surprisingly ok. Think it was just denial. House looks good though.

 

But then before bedtime, I spent some time analysing the events, words and language she said just before and when she was asking for the break. I came to the conclusion thats its unlikely she will want to try and work things out and I think its this slow realisation that she may still love me, but doesn't want to be with me which put me back down again. Woke up this morning feeling all of the pain again like it was the first week. Tried hard to pull myself together at work, but it just felt like I was trying to lift myself using my shoelaces.

 

Something made me feel a little better in the afternoon though. I spoke to a client and she's learned she's going through something similar, as her partner just upped and left her in the middle of the night and she woke up on Saturday morning to find him packed and gone. She'd been with him for 7 years. It helped being able to compare notes and speak to somebody who was going through exactly the same thing. It helped to keep things in perspective and reminded me that my situation isn't the end of the world.

 

Went out to play tennis this evening. Didn't feel like it, but dragged myself out and glad I did in the end. Had a decent hit. Getting out and doing some exercise definitely helps.

 

Got back and saw that Twilight: New Moon was about to start in 30mins on Sky. I remembered that my fiance always wanted to see it as she has the 1st and 3rd in the series on DVD. I very, very nearly sent her a text to tell her it was on. Even got as far as composing the message. Didn't send it in the end - now glad I didn't.

 

Off to bed now and feeling ok. My pet cat is playing with one of his toys next to me. Funny moggie.

[DennisK]

Woke up this morning and feel quite bad again. Mornings are always the worst.

[Silverbirch]

OMG Dennis, there are heaps of women who would be very interested in you. Hard to know what you fiance is really thinking. I would think go NC for a while at least and try as best you can to get on with your life. She might come back, and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by focusing on you for a while. Sounds like most of the focus has been on her for a long time. I suspect that after a while, she might start falling apart a bit and start missing you.

[DennisK]

Thanks for the kind words Silver.

 

When I do think about it, I do feel as though the focus has been on her for a long time. I used to take care of a lot of things for her and cooked for her 100's of times where I can probably count on both hands how many times she cooked for me in the 6 years we've been together. I know its not a points scoring competition, but looking back, things were a little unequal in lots of ways. But it doesn't really bother me as I love her and like doing things for her and she's always appreciated me for it, until recently anyway. I keep thinking about an oil leak on her car which I was going to sort out for her and wonder what she's doing about it. Who knows, for all I know she might be enjoying sorting these things out for herself. I doubt it though.

 

I want to make it clear though, thats its not all been one way traffic. She has helped me get through some tough times too and i loved her so much for being there for me. Which makes our current situation all the more painful.

 

Felt a little bit better as the day went on. The problem is that my mind changes minute by minute trying to second guess what she is feeling and what she is thinking. I sometimes feel positive that we can work through this, but then try and convince myself that its not going to happen so its not as painful if she decides its not what she wants. Did some more painting tonight and stuck on Urban Hymns by The Verve which was a mistake. Broke down crying singing along to Sonnet (idiot!). Played the rest of the album through to the end though. Its like I need to face this pain head on.

 

The more time we have apart, the more I'm beginning to piece together what we (both of us, not just her) were doing wrong which has lead to our current situation and I think with a little understanding we can come back from this stronger. Sounds like a cliche, but its what I believe. I just really, really hope that when we do talk, she comes to the table with an open mind instead of just deciding on her own to call it a day. I have to be prepared for the latter though.

 

As to what I think what we were mainly doing wrong? Two things: lack of communication and taking each other for granted and not actively working on our relationship. I just hope we can put things right.

[DennisK]

Although i could just be totally wrong and she could simply have changed as others have said. But my gut tells me different.

 

My intestines are probably in denial. Would explain why i'm needing the toilet more recently.

[DennisK]

Had a really bad morning again today. I had a couple of bad dreams one after the other last night, which really knocked the stuffing out of me.

 

The first dream was strangely enough, of my first love and long term relationship back when I was 20 years old. We broke up under similar circumstances to my current situation as we went to separate Uni's and she wanted her independence (she later admitted to me in tears 5 years later that it was because I was too strong a character for her?). In this dream, I dreamed that we were still together and she ends up leaving me for another guy. Not great.

 

I then dreamed immediately afterwards, that my fiance has left me for another guy too. In the dream, I call her mobile and a guy answers it. I ask who the hell he is and he says in a southern (English) accent his name is Luke (I don't and my fiance don't even know anybody called Luke AFAIK). I ask him if he's the guy that my fiance has been having an affair with and he says yes. I then tell him that I'm going to come over and 'have it out' with him. I'm so hurt and angry.

 

I wake up and the immediate feelings of loss, pain and betrayal are unbearable. Worse than ANYTHING I've ever felt before and I feel like I just want to die its so bad - losing my father didn't even feel this bad. I begin to wake up fully and realise that its just a bad dream and feel immense relief, only to remember my current real life situation which hits me with another hammer blow. I go from the darkest depths, to relief to despair again within the space of a minute. I felt like I wanted to knock myself out with a mallet to forget the pain. My cat then jumps onto the bed as he's hungry and wants some attention. Stroking him for the next 5mins while he purrs on my chest calms me down a bit. Having a pet is definitely helping to keep me sane.

 

But one thing is clear to me now. If my fiance and I do break up, I don't think there is any way I can stay friends with her as I definitely couldn't handle knowing she is with somebody else. It would destroy me. I can't go from loving somebody to just being their friend. I'm just not built that way and I don't know how some people can do it.

[DennisK]

One of the girls at work told me today that I'd lost weight and that it was quite noticeable. I asked a few others if they'd noticed the same thing and they all said that I was looking skinnier and that the past few weeks are taking their toll on my health. I look after myself and have a very low body fat percentage already, so this isn't good.

 

I've been actually deliberately eating more than usual to stop myself losing weight, but I've still lost a couple of kilo's. Because I've got such low body fat, I've lost it in muscle mass which pi55es me right off as I've worked hard to get myself into the shape I'm in. I'm annoyed that I've allowed the stress to affect my physical health and actually feel quite angry that my fiance's actions are doing this to me.

 

I very nearly called her tonight demanding to talk to her and get this situation sorted out one way or another, as I feel its probably on the verge of making me ill and that she's beginning to somewhat take the micky. I've left it though and instead have bought some weight gain formula and plan to work out my frustration on some weights at the gym. The longer this goes on, I feel more on the verge of breaking NC to get an answer for better or worse. It will be a fortnight tomorrow when I last texted her and she told me needs a couple of weeks to get her head straight.

 

Patience is a virtue apparently.

[DennisK]

On the verge of texting her to ask if she needs more time. Bad idea?

[LN1987]

Very bad idea

[DennisK]

Thanks for the reinforcement. So bloody tempted.

[DennisK]

Had a whole series of unhappy dreams again last night and this morning. Each one I dreamed that she said she was sorry and that she wanted to get back with me. Kept waking up feeling bad, drifting back off and dreaming the same thing over and over.

 

I feel like its wearing me thin not hearing anything and dangling in limbo. I didn't feel as tempted to contact her as much as yesterday at least as I kept myself generally busy.

 

My brother called me today to ask if I'd heard from her. He told me that I need to contact her and give her an ultimatum as a month should be more than enough for her to make her mind up. I know he only means well and that it pains him to see me being what he percieve's as being strung along and being played for a fool, while she goes about her business fancy free. Its so easy for somebody on the outside to make these judgements when they don't know the entire story. I know for a fact, that if I give her an ultimatum, she'll bolt for good. Especially as I know she's stubborn and hates being told what to do at the best of times. I also know that she won't have forgotten about me.

 

The more time I've spent apart from her, the more I've grown to understand my role as to how this situation has come about. Things were still very good until around the end of last year when things started to go wrong.

 

I think that I took her new job this as a threat to our relationship and became slightly jealous and more needy as a result. This is totally not like me, as I've always been very secure and happy in myself in all of the time we've been together. I think the argument we had about her buying a new car bred a lot of resentment in her which we didn't really resolve fully before moving on. Looking back, I should have handled things a lot better and understood where she was coming from, rather than laying into her, as this just came accross as telling her what to do, which I know she really hates. I think this argument really set seeds of resentment which have festered and never been addressed or validated. However, I know that if i'd bought the subject up again, she'd would have run away from it saying that she doesn't want to discuss it anymore. End of. Not sure what I'm meant to do in this instance.

 

At the end of December, she was diagnosed as needing another ear operation which was a big blow to her and then I was threatened with redundancy in January. Because of my own problems with the latter, I neglected our relationship and communication began to break down. Work was getting really stressful and where I used to tell her how my day was and talk about everything, I just held things in as didn't want to burdon her any more than she already was. Instead of being her rock and figure of stability, I'd become quite negative, introspective and needy and not the outgoing, confident, happy person I really am and the one she fell in love with. I wasn't really bringing anything positive to the relationship and just taking her love for granted, which looking bad, is unforgivable.

 

The last time we had sex was the weekend before her operation in late March and it was good (its always been very good). But since then, we'd not had sex once. I was just thinking that it was just due to her recovery but i guess that was only part of the reason as she wasn't feeling good about us. Sex was a very big part of our relationship and without it, we'd not had that bond or intimacy all couples need.

 

During all this time, her work was the only positive constant in her life but with my perceived jealousy and not getting the house done faster, I think she's took this as me holding her back and outgrowing me. I've been oblivious and blind to it, but now clearly see my role which has lead to all of this. I just wish that she could have talked to me about it, instead of thinking about it on her own or with family/friends and deciding she wants this break. Thats what hurts the most, although I guess she didn't feel safe talking about it to me, thinking (with some justification) that I wouldn't LISTEN to her and clearly understand where she was coming from. It still really hurts though.

 

Basically, i think that our relationship has come to this point, due to a lack of communication and taking each other for granted. Relationships don't stay good all on their own. You have to actively work on them. I used to hear this from other people and not understand it, until now. You can't just freewheel, but you gotta keep peddling to get anywhere worthwhile.

 

Of course, she is as responsible as much as I am but at least I now know what I was going wrong and what I need to change to put things right. I just hope she does too. The time apart has been painful but useful for me to work all of this out. Its been a bit of a wake up call and I think its made me grow up a bit and understand myself better.

 

Its so difficult trying not to obsess about what she's thinking though.

[DennisK]

Despite thinking that I was making progress over the past few days, I broke down in tears at my desk at work today. I just got thinking about things and as soon as I felt myself welling up I couldn't stop myself and the floodgates opened. Felt a bit better for it afterwards at least.

 

I few people have suggested that i should text her just to say that I've been thinking about her a lot and how she is. I was really tempted to tonight, but I know that I'd probably only regret it afterwards. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and not think too much, but instead of time making things easier, I feel like its getting harder and harder to maintain NC as time goes on as I don't want her thinking that I've given up on us.

 

Its my cousins wedding this Sunday and its being held at a place where my fiance and I spent a romantic weekend a couple of years ago. Its going to bring up all kinds of memories and feelings. She was meant to be coming with me.

 

God this sucks.