Feel Like I'm Having a Breakdown

[Silverbirch]

It's all hitting me. I've been trying hard. Leave my mum's tomorrow and don't want to go home but I have too. I rang a doctor in my home town today but had to leave a message on his machine, and will ring him again to make an appointment.

 

I just feel like I'm really losing it. I'm so devastated about the breakup. I'm looking at my part in things, and I'm willing to change, but G knows that and doesn't care. As far as he is concerned it's over and he has moved on. There's nothing I can do. I have a hard time believing all of this has happened let alone accepting it.

 

People who know me are saying there were so many times I was there for him, but as soon as life didn't focus on him and his kids, he couldn't take it, and basically dumped me. I loved him so much and thought he loved me, but the events of the past few weeks show that he seems to regard me like a cockaroach or something to just get rid of quickly as he can.

 

One of my friends thinks he is going through a midlife crisis and doesn't know what he wants, that he is just unhappy.

 

It's easy to say just move on and forget him. This was not a teenage or internet romance, it was somebody I lived with whose children used to call me their Stepmum. I was with him 4 years.

 

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I'm prepared to take my part of the blame and work on things, but that means zot because he has gone and banished me from his life.

 

Do people ever just do these things because they are having a midlife crisis. As far as I know his work is going well, he has redecorated his home and seeing friends.

 

Me on the other hand, I feel like I'm dying on the inside and that I will never get over this. I can't accept it is over. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation. Did the partner ever change their mind. I'm in NC and not planning on breaking it. Thanks.

[ferna3069]

man it sound like me when i was with my ex. i was always there for her. when no one else was. seriosly i got her out a house where she was treated like a slave. moved in with her mom who would talk about my ex gf body.and her brother would make fun of her body. she would come running to me. i would be there for her no matter what. it sounds like your ex is selfish. i know its hard and i know i hated hearing this to but it will get better. keep busy. go to the gym

[corgidude]

I'm in the exact same position as you. My ex moved out into a new apartment, and has been going out with friends, partying, and living up her life. Meanwhile, anytime I go out to do anything with anyone, I have to force myself out the door. I hardly eat, I sleep terribly, and I'm depressed almost all the time. I'm trying to do NC for a few weeks to see if that changes anything. I won't lie, it feels nearly impossible to do. I took the blame for everything, even things that weren't my fault. I did this trying to save the relationship, but it was too late. Even though everything has said that it is over for sure, I can't accept it, and still am clinging to any small amount of hope we can reconcile and start over. This is all from the woman who at one point was talking about "our wedding", even though I hadn't proposed yet. (was trying to save up for a nice ring, but she didn't know that)

 

I feel much the same way you do, empty and hollow inside. This has been without a doubt the single most painful experience I've ever been through in my life. All I can say is to use the NC time to work on yourself. Force yourself to go out with friends, no matter how much you'd rather stay home and avoid the outside world. Time alone with nothing to occupy your mind is your worst enemy during this time. Even if you don't fully enjoy yourself, and can't get your mind away from thoughts about your ex and your relationship, it will help because you won't be focusing on that all the time.

 

Everyone tells me it will get better, but I'm still waiting to reach that point. Until you reach that point, just do your best to focus your mind elsewhere. I know it's hard, and humans aren't wired to just switch off our feelings, so trying to distract your mind is pretty much the next best option.

 

Keep your chin up, and take things one day at a time.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Ferna. No gym here. Went for a walk today. Will find a gym when I get home. Ferna, I was there for so much for him, but over the last few months when I moved into this job and was very stressed and sick, I was hard for him to be around. I wish I had done things differently.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Corgidude. I can tell you from experience, this is far, far worse than childbirth. I'd go through that in the blink of an eye several times over if it meant I didn't have to do this.

[ferna3069]

Thanks Corgidude. I can tell you from experience, this is far, far worse than childbirth. I'd go through that in the blink of an eye several times over if it meant I didn't have to do this.

 

you welcome. i know this is another post. and i dont know about childbirth since im a guy jaja. but having your heart broken is one of the worst feelings you can get. and i know after been there for my ex and having there back turned on you will make you feel worse.its even worse when they talk bad about you

[snow white]

i was with my guy for 3 awesome years until he broke up with me last week. of course it wasn't completely out of the blue, we were having issues, but these issues stemmed from the stresses and complications of a big break in his movie career, which added an enormous amount of pressure on him, and ultimately, our relationship.

 

it's so tough because both of us worked hard and supported the movie, which was literally just a group of us kids (some of us completely jobless) chasing a dream which came true bigger than we ever imagined, and it's put a strain on every one of our lives. our relationship isn't the only one that's ended out of this.

 

yes, i can believe crises in people's lives can cause a break up, but it doesn't change the hurt you feel of not having your best friend and mate around whenever you need them. additionally, it feels as if he is confused with what he wants, but at the same time has rapidly "moved on." it totally sucks, and i feel for you.

 

i've been freaking out. it's been a week since the official break up and i still freak out from time to time. it's gonna happen. you're gonna feel sad as hell. i'm now entering an angry stage, but at least my appetite has begun to creep back up, and i can sleep without an ambien. even though i'm not interested in dating anytime soon, just for fun i checked an online dating site to see what kind of guys are in my area, and a bunch are hot and interesting.

 

i guess what's getting me through is reminding myself of my own self worth. i'm attractive, funny, loving, adventurous, and smart, and have never had any problems getting a boyfriend. although my ex had all the qualities of my ideal mate, i also have to remind myself of my own philosophy that there are MANY ideal mates for EVERYONE out there, and that this is not the last time i will be in love. additionally, i'm not blind to see the mistakes i made in our relationship, and i must learn from them and move on.

 

keep your head up, and if the relationships you have made within that relationships with his kids are still important, then by all means, rekindle them after you've had time with your NC and cooling off. i'm sure they miss you as well.

[AutumnBorn]

Silver, you should consider getting the book Uncoupling ASAP. It's a difficult, but insightful sociology book which may give you some insight into what went wrong and how. It helped me a great deal.

 

Also, Al Turtle's site was tremendously helpful. If I'd found his site before my ex and I went into marital counseling, I think we'd have made it. Best relationship website ever...

 

link removed

[whatatodo]

Whilst my relationship didn't involve children and things, I know how you feel about having a breakdown....... I promise it gets better........ I'm approaching 4 months split and I've been up and down, and though I still miss him, would like him back and things, you begin to accept it, and you do move on... that doesn't mean to say moving on to someone new, just that you find ways of coping and dealing with the new situation you find yourself in. I have to see him daily, and it's agony, seeing how he's moving on, and even if he hasn't suspecting it when he's in a really good mood and things, and it's just horrible.

 

I don't want to be his friend, I realise my faults but I also recognise this faults of his.... and I ave to say realising both are hard to swallow and accept but one can deal with it.

 

Today is a bad day, but I've got to dust myself and get excited about going out this evening and tomorrow.... even though I would love to be in cuddled up with him, but it's not going to happen.

 

I promise it gets easier, I know that's not what you want to hear though. Take care and be good to yourself!! x

[lavenderdove]

There are some people who just see a partner more as a function than a person. They want someone taking care of the their lives and needs and the house and the kids, but you are not really allowed to have any needs of your own, and they don't want to ever give, just take, and if there is a period of time when they need to take care of you or your needs, they just cut and run and find someone new rather than make any sacrifices for someone else.

 

They don't really love anybody but themselves, and their attachment to you is needs-based and 'what can you do for me' based rather than any true deep emotional bond. You've described this guy in your past threads, and he sounds very much like such a person. He will go from woman to woman whenever his needs change or the woman doesn't give him exactly what he wants at the moment. So he won't try or work thru anything because that is hard, and he's not interested in negotiating and getting anything less than exactly what he's in the mood for at the time. So if the problem hadn't been your job, it might have been something as simple as he met someone with more money who could provide him a better lifestyle, or someone younger whose body was more firm, or even something as simple as someone who was more convenient for him for whatever reason at the moment.

 

I have met quite a few people like this, and it is truly amazing when you discover their true motivations, because you can't believe how they make such important decisions as who to be with. To them, a partner is either useful or not, and they jump between partners based on that. I know a guy who was the perfect opportunist, and i knew that he fought a lot with his GF and had told me he wasn't getting along so well with her, and broke up for a while and then went back, and I asked him why he went back and he said, 'her house is closer to where i work, only 10 minutes away.' (He lived in a very expensive town with bad commutes where he couldn't afford his own place near where he worked, so living with a woman who had money and a place close to where he worked saved him a couple hours a day in the car and gave him an easier lifestyle.) So being with her had nothing to do with any emotional bond or identity as a couple, it had to do with the 'goodies' she provided him with. He really didn't even respect or like her that much from what i could tell, but one woman was as good as another when what he was looking for was having a lifestyle he wanted with an easy commute, someone taking care of the housing expenses, and someone taking care of him and the house.

 

So i think your mistake here based on what you've said about him in the past is assuming he bonds like normal people do... if he's what they call an 'opportunistic' or 'hollow' committer, his commitment to any one woman is based on whether she gives him what he wants and whether he feels taken care of in the way he feels he deserves. it's not about her personally or an emotional bond between them, since he doesn't form them based on love or shared commitments, but based on 'what's in it for me' at that particular moment in time.

 

That guy i mentioned has jumped thru quite a few women in his life, based on whether they were meeting his current needs or not, and as soon as they expected him to return the favor or he found someone else who he thought would meet his needs better, he just dropped the one and jumped to the next.

 

So please don't idealize him and think you could have 'fixed' this, if he is an opportunistic commiter, nothing would have fixed this and it was just a matter of time before he jumped to someone new. Please do call a counselor and talk about this to get your perspective straight again... I think from your other threads i've read, he just wasn't that perfect at all, i think you just really wanted him to be someone he was not and with long term potential that may never have been there, for any woman he ever gets with. Once you accept that he was not Prince Charming, you'll feel much better and be able to move onto a guy who is better for you.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks guys. I'll check out those books and sites Turtle. Re the ex's children, he has been completely estranged from his daughter for over a year - she hates him. I am not longer in contact with her and the son recently moved away from home. What I have noticed about the last 2 relationships I was in was that although my partners familys used to refer to me as "family" - the sisters would call me a sister, once I got dumped, I never heard from them again. My son's fathers family were very different though. We are not in contact now due to distance, but they treated me very well.

 

Yes Lavender, I think you are probably right about this man. It just feels so hard to believe, especially as I was so careful, and if it was all an act, gosh he was such a good actor.