NC means CONTROL!!

[Gessolin]

Why would anyone want someone in their life after they rejected you? Whatever the reason, you were weighed and you were measured and found unworthy. Why would you want to subject yourself to the torture of knowing you weren't worth fighting for? I walk away knowing it is their loss. It's harsh but their rejection of me shows me they must not have been the right person to begin with. I leave knowing I will find someone else who gets me! who loves me for me!! No contact..they don't deserve it.

[AutumnBorn]

People do it because they are genuinely concerned about the dumpee recovering as quickly as possible. It's the best approach, otherwise the misery is just prolonged and they will continue to make a fool of themselves. Would you argue the same approach to a best friend who was a drug addict? That they just get over it on their own terms? I don't think so. You get on them until they do what is best for them. Of course they won't see it right away but that's what support is. You help them see it.

 

This is a great example - very well intentioned, but it's a matter of opinion, not fact, though it's stated as fact. "It's the best way". Not for everybody. Saying, "Have you given NC a good effort? What causes you to break down and make contact? What's helpful to you for fighting that urge to text?" might be more helpful to them, give them something to think about rather than dictate what's "best".

 

It's like telling that drug addict to just stop using. Not very helpful without the tools that work to help them get into recovery and stay clean.

[AutumnBorn]

Why would anyone want someone in their life after they rejected you? Whatever the reason, you were weighed and you were measured and found unworthy. Why would you want to subject yourself to the torture of knowing you weren't worth fighting for? I walk away knowing it is their loss. It's harsh but their rejection of me shows me they must not have been the right person to begin with. I leave knowing I will find someone else who gets me! who loves me for me!! No contact..they don't deserve it.

 

 

It's good you have the strength and fortitude to move on immediately. Most people don't have a switch they can flip to shut their emotions off. Very unfortunate. People's feelings for their exes aren't dictated by their exes feelings for them. If they are, those feelings weren't very genuine.

 

 

I think the issue is the partner isn't done fighting. Nobody can make them see something they aren't ready to see or do something they aren't ready to do. NC doesn't change anything about the torture. It doesn't change what happened, doesn't change the rejection. People give up when they give up, do what they do until they realize what they're doing isn't working for them. Spouting "go NC", as if it were a panacea for emotional suffering is like giving the same dose of insulin to every diabetic, the same antibiotic for every infection, or the same calorie count to every dieter - it might be good for one, but can't possibly be good for all.

[AutumnBorn]

I agree most people can't just cut ties immediately. Most people on here are in total denial over whats happened. We've all been there looking for any scrap of hope or anyone that will tell us there is still a chance. And while no one thing will help all people it still doesn't hurt to have it re-inforced that this is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Just because you aren't ready to hear the message doesn't make it not true.

 

 

The people on this forum aren't ready to let go. Most of these people will make it over to the Healing forum when they give up, but the fact is, people do get back together every day. Why do you feel it's your duty to tell people they're in denial? Why is your message of hopelessness more important than their feelings of hope?

 

 

Just because we believe something to be true doesn't mean it's true for everybody. Truth is subjective to our own perceptions and realities.

 

Giving something to personally consider, something to provoke thought or assist in gaining insight would be more helpful to individual. There's no panacea for emotional suffering.

 

We can't set a goal for somebody else. All we can offer is our ideas, suggestions, and opinions.

[thagator]

The llama says "its not stuffing it down people's throats. llama is just saying what she thinks if the best method."

 

yes and the llamma (why dont Aussies figure out an easy way to spell that animal name?) has said it in over 2,700 posts!!!!! Do you think 2,700 posts is akin to "stuffing it down someones throat"?

 

I don't think she stuffs anything down anyone's throat. She just tells people what they don't want to hear and some get all offended by it. Some people come on here and just fish for the answers that validate their planned actions to get their ex back. To each his I guess, Drama's advice helped me tremendously in coping with my dumpage.

[Gessolin]

Maybe the difference between the people who embrace NC and people who are willing to tolerate breadcrumbs is pride. I value myself and would never beg not matter how much I loved someone. The power and strength of my love is even more reason to react with NC. My partners rejection of me say it all. Why would I want to pursue him after he decided he didn't want me anymore. How demoralizing is that? I do not want to be treated badly....especially by someone I love.

[NCforME]

Maybe the difference between the people who embrace NC and people who are willing to tolerate breadcrumbs is pride. I value myself and would never beg not matter how much I loved someone. The power and strength of my love is even more reason to react with NC. My partners rejection of me say it all. Why would I want to pursue him after he decided he didn't want me anymore. How demoralizing is that? I do not want to be treated badly....especially by someone I love.

 

I think pride is a childish reason not to respond to someone. In fact if you really had "pride" my guess is that your ex contacting you wouldn't affect it. I wouldn't let pride get in the way of happiness if a reconciliation is possible. I think NC gives you a false sense of pride that you get to wear on your sash like a boy scout.

[NCforME]

And isn't pride one of the seven deadly sins?

[Gessolin]

Who said anything about the ex reaching out and me responding? We are talking NC for the dumpee. Should the dumper contact me with anything less than "I want you back, I made a mistake" then why should I respond? If the dumper reaches out it is usually for selfish reasons otherwise they wouldn't have left you. My point is regarding NC as a survival tool after being dumped.

 

NC happens after a couple has tried to solve their issues. It happens when all has been exhausted..and if you weren't blindsided.. when nothing can save it or too much has happened to go backwards.

 

How can groveling and begging be a quality to get your ex back? My point is why would I want this person back in my life, no matter how much we loved each other in the past? He rejected me. He doesn't love me for me. It's just the new reality....he doesn't deserve me now.

[Kailynn]

Well, I think it's totally silly to assume an ex, who knows he hurt someone who cares about him, is going to run after someone with a giant display of "I want you back!" Fact is, that just doesn't happen. You rarely hear that when someone first says they're interested in you and it's unfair to assume someone who's trying to make up for hurting you is about to either.

[NCforME]

Who said anything about the ex reaching out and me responding?

 

What? Nobody did. Obviously you are in NC and wouldn't do that.

 

We are talking NC for the dumpee.

 

I am well aware. Thank you!

 

Should the dumper contact me with anything less than "I want you back, I made a mistake" then why should I respond? If the dumper reaches out it is usually for selfish reasons otherwise they wouldn't have left you. My point is regarding NC as a survival tool after being dumped.

 

You don't have to respond if you feel uncomfortable doing so. Why are all dumpers these selfish egotistical maniacs who are only looking to contact us to seep our happiness. Is there a chance they just want to talk to you? I agree a period of detachment is great but there is an extreme.

 

NC happens after a couple has tried to solve their issues. It happens when all has been exhausted..and if you weren't blindsided.. when nothing can save it or too much has happened to go backwards.

 

Really? I would say most people on here were blindsided. Very few couples work on there relationship too exhaustion. If they do they often don't separate and are unlikely to be on here.

 

How can groveling and begging be a quality to get your ex back? My point is why would I want this person back in my life, no matter how much we loved each other in the past? He rejected me. He doesn't love me for me. It's just the new reality....he doesn't deserve me now.

 

Who said anything about groveling? Why is it that all the people on here who think this way, think that any contact must be equivalent to groveling?

 

If you don't want him back in your life now thats great. Why are you wandering around a "Getting your ex back" forum?

 

Don't let something as silly as pride ruin happiness if you think they can make you happy again. Often dumpers reach out with out saying "I want you back NOW". The reason is because often the relationship sucked and you were both probably doing something wrong to contribute to it. So a dumper might contact you to see if anything has changed. To devalue a dumper into some jerk who just doesn't want you anymore is ridiculous. If you feel uncomfortable talking to you ex if they contact you with less than I want you back thats fine but I wouldn't let be because of some childish notion of pride.

[Nikki11]

NC is really for you. Although it may not be only the way to go for some people, because every situation is different, there comes a point in the relationship, where you just know that you tried your best and you have to let it go. If that person really cares, they will get in touch regardless. If they don't, then just keep on going, live each day for you and each day you will get to a stronger and better place. Each day is a new beginning!

NC is for you and for you only.

[NCforME]

NC is really for you. Although it may not be only the way to go for some people, because every situation is different, there comes a point in the relationship, where you just know that you tried your best and you have to let it go. If that person really cares, they will get in touch regardless. If they don't, then just keep on going, live each day for you and each day you will get to a stronger and better place. Each day is a new beginning!

NC is for you and for you only.

 

I agree its for you and I think its necessary fro awhile. But I don't think it should go to a point of arrogance and don't wrap your self worth in it. I have known people who have gotten over some pretty terrible situations. I had a friend who's girlfriend left him for one of his best friends. Obviously they didn't talk for awhile but eventually after about a year and half I think he started to forgive and now he is best friends again with him and her. My point is you shouldn't wrap your pride up in this stuff. If you work empathy you will find it so much easier to just let go. I feel NC brews hate by itself, it needs to be parred with love if you do it. I know your doing it for yourself and really I have no problem with it if it is the natural outgrowth from real personal change but thats not why most people on here do it . They do it because they are wrapping their pride in it and because it some way they can get back at their ex for dumping them. Thats my whole point, that you need to work on loving again in order to get over your ex. NC as a philosophy misses that point. Its not that putting that boundary up is a bad thing. It is only if you do it for the wrong reasons and pride is one of them.

[Gessolin]

"I think pride is a childish reason not to respond to someone. In fact if you really had "pride" my guess is that your ex contacting you wouldn't affect it. I wouldn't let pride get in the way of happiness if a reconciliation is possible. I think NC gives you a false sense of pride that you get to wear on your sash like a boy scout."

 

I was replying to this statement you made. We are speaking of two different situations. I will not be proactive toward someone who broke up with me. If they contact me, then it needs to be because they want to get back together...not in a grand way either, I didn't say that.

 

The topic of this thread from OP has to do with the concept of NC and how it will save you lots of heartache in the long run. He/she just didn't sugar coat it. Regarding the "getting back together" thread...I just read "new posts" when I come here and reply when I can contribute. I don't pay attention to the heading as many posts can fit into multiple categories. If that causes sensitivity problems I'll be more observant of the tone within.

[NCforME]

 

I was replying to this statement you made. We are speaking of two different situations. I will not be proactive toward someone who broke up with me. If they contact me, then it needs to be because they want to get back together...not in a grand way either, I didn't say that.

 

 

But that is the philosophy of NC around here. You don't accept contact until they say "I want you back". I agree you really shouldn't be proactive towards someone who broke up with you, mostly. But NC the way people follow it means you accept no contact of any kind unless they say in explicit terms they want you. And again, I have no problem with not being in contact its the idea you are doing it for your pride I don't like. I find peoples ego get in the way of to many problems. In my mind if you are going NC out of pride you are doing it for the wrong reasons. NC because you don't feel any need to contact them is much better. When you wrap it around your pride you are letting it hurt your ego.

[SethSLC]

We all make mistakes. Especially so in relationships. Our instincts aren't always right. Our feelings aren't always right. We often react without thinking things through only to realize later that we wished we could do it over again. Even when taking time to think things through we still find out later that we got it wrong.

 

There is a reason people say hindsight is 20/20.

 

To say that you won't respond to a dumper unless they grovel and beg for you to come back screams of pride, fear, and past emotional scars that never healed. I wonder just how often those things get in the way of possible relationships...?

 

For me personally I will always risk being hurt for a chance at love. Pain is momentary and will pass. Love is something that you cherish and carry with you for a lifetime. I remember each and every love I've had in my life and how I felt with them, but have long since forgotten the feelings of pain.

[AutumnBorn]

I don't think she stuffs anything down anyone's throat. She just tells people what they don't want to hear and some get all offended by it. Some people come on here and just fish for the answers that validate their planned actions to get their ex back. To each his I guess, Drama's advice helped me tremendously in coping with my dumpage.

 

 

Yes, let's all crap on each other and tell each other that if they don't feel good about smelling the dung there's something wrong with them. Misery loves company. Unless and until I see Ph.D. credentials from anybody who'd go my a moniker with the word "drama" in it, I give it no credence. I've ignored one person in my years here. Guess who I found so arrogant and absurd to ignore completely.

 

No single antibiotic treats every infection. Great if the prescription worked for you, but don't blame the infected if it didn't work for them. Get real. There's not one answer for everyone.

[AutumnBorn]

And isn't pride one of the seven deadly sins?

 

 

Oh, yes. Pride. It comes before every all and failure.

[AutumnBorn]

Yes, YES, YES!

 

My ex, in an attempt to get over us, has instituted NIC, but I'm not playing the game, so it must be very hard for him. If you don't play, how can this "tool" be used effectively? Truly let go and there no such thing as NC. It just doesn't come to mind. If you have to think about it, it's game play and obviously so, IMO. Overcome the game play and you actually become powerful. It took a long period of game play to see what it was. Quit playing and someone is playing with him or herself. That just looks stupid and immature after awhile. Most often NC is used as a tool to hurt/reject the rejector, not as a tool for change.

 

When you rise above the pain, you no longer feel the need to inflict pain. When the person who caused you pain has no control over your life, you have no need to ignore them. NC isn't the tool for every effort of your ex to reconnect and isn't always following a trail of crumbs. It is indivitual, which is the point - there is no one answer that fits all. If somebody's answer to all pain and ills is "NC! NC! NC!" it's a ridiculous statement.

 

As I said, there's no single antibiotic to cure every infection.

[kaboom1218]

Well, I think it's totally silly to assume an ex, who knows he hurt someone who cares about him, is going to run after someone with a giant display of "I want you back!" Fact is, that just doesn't happen. You rarely hear that when someone first says they're interested in you and it's unfair to assume someone who's trying to make up for hurting you is about to either.

 

I would say most people on here were blindsided. Very few couples work on there relationship too exhaustion. If they do they often don't separate and are unlikely to be on here.

 

Why is it that all the people on here who think this way, think that any contact must be equivalent to groveling? If you don't want him back in your life now that's great. Why are you wandering around a "Getting your ex back" forum? Don't let something as silly as pride ruin happiness if you think they can make you happy again. Often dumpers reach out without saying "I want you back NOW". So a dumper might contact you to see if anything has changed. To devalue a dumper into some jerk who just doesn't want you anymore is ridiculous. If you feel uncomfortable talking to you ex if they contact you with less than I want you back that's fine.

 

I agree it's for you and I think its necessary for awhile. But I don't think it should go to a point of arrogance and don't wrap your self worth in it. If you work empathy you will find it so much easier to just let go. I feel NC brews hate by itself, it needs to be parred with love if you do it. I know you're doing it for yourself and really I have no problem with it if it is the natural outgrowth from real personal change, but that's not why most people on here do it. They do it because it's some way they can get back at their ex for dumping them. NC as a philosophy misses that point. Its not that putting that boundary up is a bad thing. It is only if you do it for the wrong reasons and pride is one of them.

 

You don't accept contact until they say "I want you back". I agree you really shouldn't be proactive towards someone who broke up with you, mostly. NC because you don't feel any need to contact them is much better. When you wrap it around your pride you are letting it hurt your ego.

 

Yes, let's all crap on each other and tell each other that if they don't feel good about smelling the dung there's something wrong with them. Misery loves company. Unless and until I see Ph.D. credentials from anybody who'd go my a moniker with the word "drama" in it, I give it no credence. I've ignored one person in my years here. Guess who I found so arrogant and absurd to ignore completely.

Great if the prescription worked for you, but don't blame the infected if it didn't work for them. Get real. There's not one answer for everyone.

 

Amen, Amen! Preach! You stole that thought right from my brain!

 

Yes, YES, YES!

If you don't play, how can this "tool" be used effectively? Truly let go and there no such thing as NC. Overcome the game play and you actually become powerful. Quit playing and someone is playing with him or herself. Most often NC is used as a tool to hurt/reject the rejector, not as a tool for change.

 

When you rise above the pain, you no longer feel the need to inflict pain. When the person who caused you pain has no control over your life, you have no need to ignore them. NC isn't the tool for every effort of your ex to reconnect and isn't always following a trail of crumbs. It is individual, which is the point - there is no one answer that fits all. If somebody's answer to all pain and ills is "NC! NC! NC!" it's a ridiculous statement. As I said, there's no single antibiotic to cure every infection.

 

I more than agree with all the quotes posted here. I'm so glad that others posters like AutumnBorn, NCforme, Kailynn and myself represent other perspectives on this site and aren't constantly spewing NC as the solution to every issue. Let's think outside the box people!

[TheBlackDahlia]

I firmly agree with no contact. People fighting it are only making excuses to keep talking to their ex and cling onto them.

 

When you say someone shouldn't initiate NC because, "they aren't ready to move on" what you really mean is "the don't WANT to move on." When in reality, the ex made that choice already for them. Sticking around will cause nothing but further hurt.

 

Look, all of us are in the same situation. The ones that start to feel the best the fastest are the ones who get off their ex cold turkey. It's not easy, but it's easier than holding onto the hope that your ex will change their mind if you just try to convince them one last time.

[Tired Tiger]

Look, all of us are in the same situation.

 

Uh... no. The teenager a week out from their first break up isn't in the same situation as the person six months into a separation from a 25 year marriage. And everything in-between. There's those here who have experienced the journey of reconciling with an ex - some who are actually back together now - and (of course) those who have not. I believe one of the points of contention here is that it's those who have not that shout the loudest about the "best way" to reconcile and write "how to" guides. The threads by those who have... drop like a rock.

 

This isn't to say that there's no validity or place and time for separation, detachment, and quiet, and I don't see people being vehemently opposed to that as a component of the bigger picture. It's in the way it's applied and the ridiculous amount of focus it's given. I've mentioned before that in academic research papers and respected writings by Ph.D's, the phrase "no contact" or acronym "NC" is non existent, I believe because there's so many other factors involved. If reconciliation is a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, "NC" is but one sky piece. I don't think it's fair to insinuate that those who want to solve the puzzle are frail, delusional morons any more than those who are satisfied with their one puzzle piece are.

[TheBlackDahlia]

While yes, there are more complications to a divorce of a 25 year marriage (legal issues, children, etc.) compared to a young 20s person reeling from a breakup of a 3-4 year relationship, that doesn't change the feelings of rejection and loss because in both cases it's the same. Don't diminish the feelings of someone in my age group as if our breakup is "lesser" than that of a 40 year old with children.

 

And you're making the mistake of assuming that people are spouting "NC" so that the dumper will magically miss them and want them back. That's not the case. It's because it helps you heal. Holding onto the other person will only cause frustration and further hurt, especially if you're holding onto the hope that you can change their mind. If you want to heal, you have to let go. Nobody is saying NC has to be forever because at a certain point, you have to let go of that too.

[thagator]

Yes, let's all crap on each other and tell each other that if they don't feel good about smelling the dung there's something wrong with them. Misery loves company. Unless and until I see Ph.D. credentials from anybody who'd go my a moniker with the word "drama" in it, I give it no credence. I've ignored one person in my years here. Guess who I found so arrogant and absurd to ignore completely.

 

No single antibiotic treats every infection. Great if the prescription worked for you, but don't blame the infected if it didn't work for them. Get real. There's not one answer for everyone.

 

This reply by you shows no arrogance at all on your part.../sarcasm.

[Tired Tiger]

Don't diminish the feelings of someone in my age group as if our breakup is "lesser" than that of a 40 year old with children.

 

That's ridiculous, Dahlia. I made no reference to to anyone's "feelings". You made the claim that everyone is in the same situation, which they aren't.