Letting go and dealing with the lingering memories...

[emme101]

Hi everyone,

 

I am dealing with a recent break up (3 weeks ago) and I just can't seem to shake the sadness. The relationship was so up and down, that for the first 2 weeks I didn't really believe that it was actually over, until a few days ago when it hit me that he wasn't coming back for real this time. As much as I know this is probably for the best for me, I just can't get over the fact that he is actually gone. I think the biggest struggle for me is knowing that he doesn't care about me, he is fine, and he is going to find someone else and move on. I recently blocked his facebook because he was posting "muscle" pictures and comments about partying. I just couldn't allow myself to walk into more pain.

 

The relationship itself wasn't always the best, it was definitely a work in progress. We were both finishing University so we faced a lot of pressure, and he blamed me whenever he did badly on anything. When we started dating, I was coming out of a dysfunctional relationship and he was one of my best friends. Initially, I was hurt and I expected the worst from him and I was * * * * * ier than usual. He also always talked about his ex, which made me jealous, so jealousy was a huge issue for us in the beginning. He threw the fact that I was jealous in my face for a year afterward, and would not let us move on from it. He started giving me lists of things I needed to change about myself to make us work. At first, I appreciated the input because I knew I had flaws, but eventually everything about me was criticized from the way I dressed to how I kept my house. I was given unreasonable expectations and my self esteem was so low that I just kept apologizing for not meeting them. He started breaking up with me, and coming back and so on over and over and I always accepted him because I loved him so much, even though I knew he would just hurt me again.

 

What kept me going was that he was inconsistently mean. For awhile he would be my old boyfriend, incredibly sweet and thoughtful, giving me everything I wanted. Then, in a split second if I did something "wrong" he would change and I would have to prove myself all over again, starting right from the beginning. This happened for months, until he finally left. In order to "punish" my bad behavior (being upset on bad days, not cooking breakfast every day, calling him first and seeming "sad", basically anything that put my needs over his) he would leave me, even for just a week or two. He left me right before my birthday, christmas, valentines day, and finally our anniversary. The anniversary was the last time he left, three weeks ago. He told me I didn't deserve these holidays, I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. I tried my absolute best. I put him before me every step of the way, and everyone who knew us just couldn't understand why. No matter what I did, I lost in the end.

 

So here I am, broken down and alone, wondering where I went so wrong. I blame myself for mistakes I made in the beginning, for calling too much, or for not wearing enough make up every time. I do believe, especially after talking to his friends, that he was just a cruel person in general. He just hid it from me well for a long time, and was nice to keep me around. He moved two weeks ago to another province, and I am certain he left me just because he no longer saw a purpose for me, even though we had solid long distance plans. Either way, I am devastated and my self esteem is shot. If anyone has been through this kind of consistent rejection, please let me know how you overcame it? I am really lost and in need of a little guidance. Thanks

[mhowe]

Had an ex 15 yrs ago who treated me that way --- you get over it by realizing how really bad he treated you. Look at your post:

 

1. Threw jealousy in your face and wouldn't let it go

2. Listed things wrong with you!!!

3. Leaving before any holiday or birthday....hence no gifts, right?

 

He is a mysoginist (really, he hates women) and preys on those with low self esteem so they will put up with his crap.

 

Here is the rebuild plan. Forget him. Focus on you --- old hobbies that you've set aside. Think of new thing you've always wanted to do but havent. Call old friends that you haven't seen....get out. And the thing about confidence.....the saying is "fake it til you make it".

 

Good luck

[penfield]

Don't blame yourself for liking someone who didn't turn out to be right for you! Everyone plays the blame game but you've got a lot of good ammo to get over this person who obviously doesn't feel the same way about you! I wish I had it this easy but I know it doesn't help the pain you are feeling right now.

[emme101]

You are both completely right! Interestingly enough, people always called him a mysoginist. He was very into this radio host Tom Leykis, total mysoginist. A lot of the things he put into action on me were from him, totaly psychotic. The crazy part about it is that this guy fought for 6 months to get me! I turned him down, and he always tried and tried again. For the first few months, he was perfect. He loved me so completely and I was his entire world. The tables turned as soon as he realized I was crazy about him too, it was like he just fed off of the power and he didn't need to try anymore. On and off he would show me how much he still cared, and then it was gone again as quickly as it came back. I don't think he didn't necessarily feel the same way about me, I just think he prioritized so much above me that he saw loving me as a drain on the rest of his life, as if he had to "sacrifice" (his own word for it) everything for me and I just wasn't worth it. He convinced himself that I was evil and I would ruin his life, and he started to resent me. Eventually the resent became so strong that it was all he could see when he looked at me. I truly believe he just went a little insane, I don't think he is all there. Especially since one day he would want more than anything to make it work, and the next he would just give up. The hot and cold was what hurt me the most...It's difficult not to blame myself when he blamed me so much, but I think trying to understand that he just isn't all there is helping a bit. How do people go so completely insane?

[Success]

Emme, I know exactly what you mean. My ex was like that and I endured 4 years of it and almost got married! As a result of this fantastic board, I learned my ex is most likely has BPD (borderline personality disorder), as well as many of the cluster B personality disorders (narcisism). We've all got some degree of it, but my ex is at an extreme where she's "sick". Sounds like your ex is as well. Basically, this guy emotionally abused you just like my ex did. With time, they break you down and next thing you know they're gone and you're left completely broken with no self-esteem and confidence. It is a subtle process, I'm going through the recovery right now. I've read up a ton about emotional abuse, BPD, and co-dependency and it is mind-shattering how accurate the info is.

 

Your ex and mine are good at making others fall hard for them, then quickly gaining power and control, then dominating the relationship and using us as the punching bag. When things go sour, they know how to reel us in very quickly, but the repetitive abusive pattern continues and only gets worse with time. I was dumped multiple times and took her back time and time again. The relationship was extremely rocky, like yours, and truthfully the warning signs were all there but we just failed to ignore them.

 

I agree with the above poster, remind yourself how poorly he treated you and all the bad times. If your relationship was anything like mine and you're honest about it, the bad times far outweigh the good times. Feel free to read up on my thread or PM me.

[hotnspicychikn]

Sometimes I think letting go is even harder in an unhealthy relationship, it's like we are addicted to the drama of it.

 

Sorry you are hurting...it does get easier in time. Hang in there!

[LN1987]

Sometimes I think letting go is even harder in an unhealthy relationship, it's like we are addicted to the drama of it.

 

!

 

This is so true. I have come to realise my ex and I treated each other at times really poorly. I really loved him but he was never "wrong" and every argument was always "my fault." His way of dealing with any conflict was to shut off instead of facing it, I've now realised how over time I became more addicted to him as he could play it cool so easily. I know the relationship was bad for me in many ways but god damn I miss it all.

[Success]

I agree, the "drama" can be addictive because in those kind of relationships the highs are super high and that is extremely intoxicating. Only problem is, the lows are pretty darn low.

[LN1987]

So how does one get over the 'drama' when it is so damn addictive....

[emme101]

Distance! I have no choice but to get over it, so I am trying now because of that. When they are there and you can feed off the drama it is almost impossible to exist, but my ex left me and moved away so I have no other choice but to deal with the grief and try to move on. Space has been good, but at the same time it KILLS. Every day seems to get harder, but I know one day I will pass a threshold and I will be happy to be rid of all of that pain. Even now I think WOW thank God I don't have to worry about being blamed for everything, or having him get mad at me for no reason every single day. But then on the flip side, I am flooded with those amazing memories, the "highs" that kept me going and I cry myself to sleep thinking that will never happen for me again. I guess the way we move on is through distance because time has to heal all wounds, and if they are gone we have no other choice but to take that time and use it as constructively as possible. What I am looking for most now are ways to vent, and tips for how to be constructive when moving on?

[DaveTrump]

sounds like it as just a game to him for scoring some points if he's into leykis. his philosophy is about getting tail and kicking it out the same night. doubt he lived by the word if he was living with you?