i think my boyfriends lying to me, but i don't want to believe it -what do i do?

[sillybear22]

I have the best boyfriend that anyone could wish for; he supports me, we can spend all day together being happy, we never get angry at each other for little things, when we're together we act like we couldn't be any happier, over the past 2 years we’ve fallen in love and changed/planned our lives around each other, because we couldn’t bear to let each other go. He had previously been in 2 long term, one of them being long distance, relationships since he was 14. I’m a school year younger than him, and have liked him ever since I was 14. We didn’t really know each other until I was 17, and he was 18. In the summer of 2009, I lost my virginity to him, although he had been in 2 other sexual relationships, I trusted him and knew he wasn’t using me or anything like that. His latest ex-girlfriend was obviously still very in love with him, and he was only her friend back. He couldn’t let go of her as they knew each other so well, but it sickened me to see them speak. They had previously planned a trip to London for her birthday, he was going to go, I was going to let him go, until he couldn’t take it anymore and said he didn’t want to go. They fell out, and she became increasingly jealous. She became a big hindrance in our relationship, but I was falling and falling in love with him, and he said he was with me too. It was crazy how well we got on, how much time we spent together, how quickly we grew inseparable. I was always jealous, and always have been of his two ex-girlfriends, but I believed him when he said they don’t mean anything to him now. My supposedly best friend, who was just someone who was intolerable and not easy to get rid of, decided to stick his nose in, and made the whole situation with my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend worse. Despite all of this, we stuck together.

 

There was also lots of jealousy from me, evoked by lies told by him, as he didn’t tell me that the ex-girlfriend who was still, and is still, a current friend of his had slept over, the night before we went to Whitby for a weekend. I had found this out by looking at his phone while he had left the room. We’d never had any issues with privacy or looking at one another’s phone, I didn’t mind if he read all of my messages. But with finding out that, and knowing that he had covered something up, unleashed a paranoid alter ego of mine, one that had developed a lack of trust, conjured with previous emails and nasty messages from his other jealous ex-girlfriend that made him out to be a violent, angry and unreasonable guy. I ignored all of this, but couldn’t let the accusations come in the way of us, and had to ask him for the truth. He denied everything, as you would expect, but I believed him. I checked his phone often, but there was hardly ever anything to be found. He was either really careful, or I was being extremely paranoid. But, things began to be told with the tag line, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I didn’t want to upset you’, which upsets one more, doesn’t it?, because you know that the person has lied to you, and easily created an alternative universe to the one which exists between you both, which they can return to, whenever they please. One of his best friends’ best friends, a girl who I used to loathe, tried to kiss him. He said he pulled away and nothing happened. But there is never any proof. This happened as well when he went to confide the ex-girlfriend he is friends with, she was upset about her current boyfriend. They went on a picnic together, which broke my heart, he never seemed to make the effort with me, but he ultimately did, I just didn’t notice it. She tried to kiss him as he had been so nice to her, but there is never any proof, is there? I can’t remember any other instances like this, until we get to university.

 

We were in love, and were crazy about each other, I didn’t think I could ever feel like how they tell you love feels like, but it was very safe, and exciting and I always wanted more and more of him. I couldn’t easily let him go, I had to see him constantly and make sure he still loved me. He really was too good to be true.

 

 

Lots of other issues make me feel, not as close as a couple should, but they’re very private. The only issue that arises is; there is never any proof - especially when his mother is telling you a different story.

 

At university, I stole his phone while drunk, and there were horrible messages to the girl who is one of his best friends’ best friend – the girl I loathe. The messages were asking questions that he would ask me in an intimate environment, saying that he misses her, and all sorts of horrible things. I was very very upset, and he said ‘I don’t know why I did it, I’m sorry’. Before this, I had left him without saying goodbye, by accident, on a ‘night out’, where I went back to my student accommodation with the flat below mine. I didn’t want him ruining my night, so I ignored his calls, and ultimately made the matter worse. He got extremely possessive and angry – the whole night was crazy, but we ended up saying sorry to each other, even though after that he was still very upset. He also once found some texts from a boy who I had, ‘shared a bed with’ and ‘kissed’, but not a single thing more. The texts were nothing to worry about, but I had deleted most of them. Nothing was as bad as the messages to and from the girl on his phone though. Another time he found, what he called flirting, with a boy at university who I do not like one bit. I explained we were joking around, but he didn’t believe it at all. He still talks about it now, and is very jealous, even though there is nothing to be jealous of.

 

 

But this is what happened now: his friends came round for one of their birthdays. They left to go outside for a walk while I was inside talking to my boyfriend’s flat mates, they didn’t tell me specifically where they were going, and I didn’t think they’d leave without saying ‘come on’, but they did. I rang my boyfriend, but he had left his phone inside. Therefore I rang one of his friends, but he didn’t answer. So I checked his text messages – and there were naked pictures from the girl who he used to ask me questions about before we got to know each other better and fell in love. They were naked photos, asking photos of him, normal photos, as if he just enjoyed looking at her face. I felt sick, dreadfully sick, I only got through 3 photos, but I’m sure there were more – I didn’t want to see.

 

I ran outside, with my stuff, but he saw me and chased me – asked me what was wrong. So I told him straight up – he said ‘I did it to test you’, but it didn’t make sense in my head at all. No sense whatsoever. It still doesn’t. He obviously enjoyed sending and receiving them no matter why he did it.

 

I tried to keep my chin up, and we made up, sort of. But something still wasn’t right. I couldn’t just forgive him like that; I didn’t believe a word he said. It’s just not something you’d do to ‘test someone for trust’. It’s just gross. I was upset all weekend, and apparently i 'ruined his birthday', when it was not me who had ruined anything at all, i was just unbelievably upset.

 

When we had cuddled and ‘made up’, I was still bursting out into tears, as I am now, to think that my boyfriend, the one I love, cherish, look up to as my idol, the only thing that I really cherish in my life and would do anything for, beyond all means, the one I’ve built up a little life with, where I feel safe and as if nothing could hurt us or come between us, that I thought I trusted 100%, but knew deep down because of the past that I don’t trust him 100%, we were moving on, and the future seemed bright and happy, I couldn’t wait to spend more and more of my life with him, to think that my boyfriend would do that to me, to himself, that he’d want to do that with someone, besides me. Thinking of any other person naked, or in a sexual manner makes me feel physically sick. I couldn’t do it to him; I couldn’t do it to myself. That night, when he had fallen to sleep, I went into the bathroom to check his phone again. I sent texts to people saying they were a ‘whore’ for example. But it didn’t make anything better. I found out that a girl that I also hate had been to stay the night, in his bed with his best friend as he came down to visit him. He didn’t tell me this, that was the worst part, until I realised that he’d shared a bed with her. I didn’t say that at first, and he said ‘well her and him shared my bed while I slept on the floor’. I believed him, until I thought harder and remembered her saying ‘but it’s weird that we were spooning because you have a girlfriend’, and something about him saying ‘do you want me?’ ‘but you have a gf’ ‘it can be out secret’, therefore he said, that they all shared a bed… I don’t believe that for one second. He also said that ‘I don’t know why I said that, I’m sorry’, about the ‘wanting him’ bit too.

 

 

It’s so horrible that this has happened, it’s just everything felt perfect, everything was literally a dream until this happened, until he heard me leaving and I was screaming and shaking because I didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t want my boyfriend to not want me, ever. I couldn’t believe that he’d hurt me, he always said ‘I’ll never hurt you’, like a perfect boyfriend would. I believed him; I always believed everything he said.

He screamed, and cried and got so angry, he hit me, but he hit himself harder. He wanted me to leave, he spat in my face, he was going to go for a drive in the state that he was in, but I wouldn’t let him. I tried to calm him down, after he had trashed the room. Echoes of my mother saying, ‘he’s so sweet and gentle, perhaps a little too gentle, to ever hit you. But if you were in an abusive relationship you’d have to tell me, I couldn’t let you go through with it’. I couldn’t understand why he was so angry, until he said ‘I’m only here for you, I love you so much and you have ruined everything, why did you do this? Why did you have to do this, you are nothing to me anymore, you a trash, you are scum.’ He stared angrily in my face for a good few minutes. He was so hurt, but I still couldn’t figure out why he was hurt so much.

 

He is lost, his parents have moved country, he has a lack of close friends but he’s not unpopular. I’ve always been his best friend. I understand why he would be so upset, but there is nothing to blame me for, apart from going behind his back, which he has done countless times to me.

 

 

We calmed down and realised how much we loved each other, but the things he has done don’t make sense to me, I need to know why he did this, just so I can forgive him. I want to know the truth.

 

Goodness knows how I’d feel if he actually physically cheated on me.

I don't know what to do now?

[lavenderdove]

Ummm, i don't think you're jealous, i think he's a big cheater! You have all kinds of evidence that he has women sleep over at his place, in his bed, and naked pictures of women on his phone etc. No woman is going to send naked pictures of herself to a guy just so he can 'test' his GF to see if she's looking at his phone! It means they're hooking up.

 

You busted him, and he's doing a classic gaslighting technique trying to make you think the problem is you're too snoopy and suspicious and that he is innocent, when the real problem is he's flirting with and cheating with a gaggle of women and either lying to you outright, or giving you ridiculous explanations that just aren't believable at all. Lying and cheating go hand in hand, and if he's cheating, he's also lying to you about it.

 

I'm sorry honey, but i think he's a flagrant cheater, and you're believing his WORDS that he's faithful, when you have concrete evidence that he runs around with all kinds of women.

[ForumGuy]

I hate to have to say this, but you need to remove yourself from this situation. If you stay, you will be setting yourself for far worse and enduring future heartache than you are experiencing right now. It is virtually impossible to remove from your mind what you have already seen. I am sorry your boyfriend turned out to be like this, but the trust is gone.

[rosephase]

You guys need a break from each other. You slept with and kissed another guy (even though you say sexual thoughts about someone else make you sick) he is cheating on you and he was physically violent with you. This relationship isn't healthy for either of you.