Girl wants to casually date...how to make her 'want' you?

[arrakis77]

I must say canonrebel, everything you described sounds really positive between the two of you. I think she does have feelings, but is conflicted and scared of commitment (because of past relationship?). It may very well take a lot of patience and gentle work to get through.

[pl3asehelp]

"Sigh, my friends are angry that im not staying out with them, they said im not allowed to hang with you tonight..."

 

That's really distressing. If her friends are like this and she seems ok with it, i just don't see how a relationship can work.

[canonrebel]

Thanks for reading! Damn, I was expecting a bunch of TLDRs but I realize we're all on here with each other's best interests in mind.

 

Another few notes about that conversation we had last. I made it clear to her that I didn't want us to get into a relationship, but that all I wanted to know was if this was moving in some sort of direction, and if we would have the same conversation 3 months down the line. Again, "I don't know...I can't tell the future." and I kept stopping her to pull her aside to talk, and she kept saying "grow some balls!" as a joke. She even said "then maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore", which REALLY stopped me in my tracks. I said "so you're saying you'd be okay with us not seeing each other anymore?" and her response was "no, well, I wouldn't cut my wrists or anything, but i'd be upset."

 

Everything I laid out for you is EXACTLY how everything went down. I didn't skew anything to sound any better or worse in my favor or her's, which is precisely why i'm baffled about the situation. Is she being cautious? Of course. I know her past and I know she's not entirely sold on me just yet, but knows that she definitely likes me and likes being around me. She's never attempted to 'talk' about our situation either.

 

So I really don't know. I don't see how someone DOESN'T get emotionally attracted from the time we've shared together. She is not the free-dating type. She's never dated around period...she ended things with that last guy in December, and maybe she doesn't want to commit to anything now that she's just getting in the game. Who knows. But again, her personality and whatnot doesn't say she's the free-dating type.

[TakingtheBlame]

Even with all the added details, given her age and this wishy washiness I just don't think she's interested for whatever reason. If she was really into you, she'd want to be in a relationship. Period. If you're already spending quality time together, there's no reason making it "official" would be such a no no to her. Not to mention she sounds like she has some pretty immature friends and birds of a feather do, more often than not, tend to flock together.

 

Seriously, I don't know what's on this girl's mind, but I'd still be very wary of having any expectations about her and how she feels. You say you don't want a relationship with her (if I read correctly) and yet you want this to be going somewhere...if not toward a relationship, then where exactly? I find when two people are compatible on most levels, there's none of this beating around the bush and avoiding labels stuff (it seems to be on both of your parts.) It just kind of flows in the right direction. Not saying you can't still hang out and enjoy her company, but I just wouldn't focus on her at all as first priority. When and if she's ready, she will find you.

[canonrebel]

You're right, i'm still being cautious myself and i'm trying to not have any expectations. About her friends; i've met them all and they're all pretty mature and aren't exactly slores that sleep around. They all have good jobs and came from competitive schools (to give you an idea of what they might be like), but in the end a group of girls is a group of girls. I didn't think too much of it really (particularly that night) because I already had plans for the night. The truth is, I do want a relationship with her, but obviously I don't feel comfortable to get into it right away and maybe we need more time together.

 

Is it really that cut and dry? If she likes me, she'd want to get into a relationship? I have a tough time believing all women approach relationships that way.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do - do I contact her first, or wait?

[TakingtheBlame]

I mean, not all women approach relationships that way, I'm sure...but I can't imagine what would make any woman be OK with letting the guy she likes run around free and available in the City. Basically, she's taking the risk of losing you...and regardless of people having many different types of personalities and approaches to relationships, it just seems common sense that when you are really interested in someone, you lock the sucker down any way you can. If you're in a mental space where you're interested in having a serious relationship at all of course; and if she's not, then, as I think I posted earlier, it's just as futile trying to be with her as it would be if she wasn't into you specifically. And if she doesn't want to lock you down because she has other issues...well then, why would you want someone like her as a partner anyway? You've only been with her three months so I have to assume you're not in love...I'm sure she's got to be a great girl if you're this into her, but you can't be in love with her yet, so it just doesn't seem worth it to be sticking around and potentially committing yourself to this roller coaster of a ride when you can so easily focus elsewhere on someone who is just as great and who isn't this confused/disinterested/messed-up-emotionally-from-a-previous-relationship.

 

But anyway, I really don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer here...mostly just playing devil's advocate (and perhaps being a little bitter as someone who stuck it out with a great guy for 8 months hoping his "I really like you but I'm so confused right now" would eventually turn into "Yes we're soulmates, I finally realize!" Given my personal experience with situations like this, I wouldn't even make it a matter of who calls who next. I (personally) would tell her straight up what I wanted and that I didn't want to chill in some limbo of "I don't know where this is going" and that I was going to be around and she could call me if she decided what she wanted. Then I'd cut and run and find someone else. Otherwise it gets too messy and you get more attached and she probably gets more unattached and it's just BLAH. I really can't advocate continuing things the way they are because you're obviously getting attached despite saying you're mostly OK with all of this (since you're even trying to figure out how to handle this via enotalone.) But you know yourself better than I, and know best what would work for you! Either way, seriously sending you the best of vibes...I'd love for this to work out for you but I really wish you wouldn't hold your breath, you know?

[capuccino83]

How do you know that she's not keeping her door open for other guys? Almost 2 years ago, when I met my ex boyfriend, I was coming out of a several bad relationships and breakups. I was finally starting to enjoy myself and meeting guys - and it's fun going out with different guys - when of course, I met my ex. I did the same thing with not wanting a real relationship or whatever, and would dodge any commitment questions. I really liked having him around and wanted to continue hanging out with him, but didn't want to give up my options to have fun and meet someone better. When time came to chose, of course, I was reasonable enough to go with the guy rather than having my options, but this girl might not be that reasonable. She might be having fun hanging out with you, at the same time, keeping her options open. If you are 28 years old and living in NY, try women your own age? All the women in NY that I know complain that there aren't enough guys around, so you'll be opening yourself up to a range of women that actually WANT a relationship.

 

Also, the "I want to take things slow approach" doesn't regard emotional attachment, but sexual. I think that both you are just rationalizing the situation to yourself if you are sleeping together but are okay with not getting any emotional needs met because it's taking things 'slow'. That's not taking things slow, it's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[canonrebel]

Oh, I know you had positive intentions! I welcome all opinions. You do make a valid point though; if she likes me that much, why would she risk losing me? That's what really gets to me. Maybe it's an ego thing, but it actually makes me questions myself. We shared the same experiences, so why didn't she get the same from it?

 

The truth is that i'm NOT okay with the situation...I want to progress forward toward a relationship, but i'm just really confused by her actions. All the signs point to it, yet it's not happening. I'm not in love with her now, but i'm on the way of developing very strong feelings. I'm afraid that I was nothing more than a great guy that filled a time-slot in her week.

 

You're right though, it's not about who makes the first move now. We already saw each other online on gchat for the past three days, and she didn't even bother.

[canonrebel]

How do you know that she's not keeping her door open for other guys?

 

I guess I really don't know that, and based on her situation, that's probably what's going on in her mind. I can't stand losing her though. I really like her and I haven't had these strong feelings for anyone in a long while.

[abitbroken]

I think you need to go back to what she originally said - she doesn't want to be or doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship. She likes going out and those perks of having a guy but she doesn't want to get emotionally involved. She makes little comments wishing that you weren't so cute or sweet, because I think that makes it harder for her. She might feel a little guilty about doing this to you.

 

She brought up the fact that you asked her out when you were with someone else was something that makes her hesitate. Were you dating someone else at the time or were you actually on a date with someone when you met her for the first time? Either way, it bothers her, plus just breaking something off in December. I think that she set out not to get serious and that is where her mind is at. I don't know if she is leaving the door open or not, but the fact that you were with someone and the fact that she wasn't looking for anything are sort of setting the tone here and it might me more about bad timing than anything.

 

When someone is ready to be in a relationship and meets someone who they click with, they don't put up all these barriers of "I don't want emotional involvement." It all just happens and flows naturally. Not all women say "i don't want to date...but I will go out with you"

[abitbroken]

I guess I really don't know that, and based on her situation, that's probably what's going on in her mind. I can't stand losing her though. I really like her and I haven't had these strong feelings for anyone in a long while.

 

You can't lose her, because you don't really have her. What you will lose is someone to go out with - an activity partner - not a gf. Also, if she doesn't want to be emotionally involved, how do you have deep feelings? I think the deep feelings are physical attraction. If you don't talk about your days, what you are going through and she doesn't want emotional involvement, the relationship is not really that deep.

[moondog627]

if she likes me that much, why would she risk losing me?

 

Simple. Because she's not ready for a relationship. I've just gone thru a somewhat similar scenario (though not exact). Met a woman on New Year's Eve, instant attraction on both sides. We hooked up that night and proceeded to date over the course of 3 months. Eventually it turned into a sexual relationship. The whole time we dated we actually did communicate every day and would see each other about 3 times a week. I met all her friends and they all loved me.

 

The catch? At the time we met she was only 2 months removed from a 5 year relationship. This always did play on my mind but I was hooked from the moment I met her. Never before had I met someone so perfect for me. And I did fall in love with her by the end of the 3 months. In the beginning she would say that I'm the marrying type and that she can tell that I'm not the type to play around with. This also worried me and I would bring it up but she was very into me as well and she seemed to be trying to let things ride.

 

She also happened to be my friends-girlfriends-roommate so I know she wasn't messing with anyone else. I also know that she considered me to be the best and nicest guy she ever dated and that she was "highly attracted" to me. After a while it became almost like we were in a relationship. Her friends would call me her boyfriend, while my friends would call her my girlfriend. It didn't seem to bother either of us.

 

Out of all the women I dated, I think I played this one the best. And by that I mean I didn't play at all. I always let her know where I stood by my actions or by my words (but only when she inquired). I NEVER pushed for a relationship. Finally, after 3 months she admitted that she didn't think she could give me what I wanted. She had a wall built up from her last relationship and while I managed to knock a lot of that down there still was a lot blocking her from letting go with me.

 

If there's any bright side, she said that she sees a lot of potential with me. And rather than ruin things any more by letting her state of uncertainty progress, she wanted to work on herself with the hope that maybe we could reunite again some day. I don't know when that day will be or if it will even happen. But I do know this... someone who is coming so fresh off a breakup is an almost guaranteed losing situation.

 

I do have 4 friends who are now either married or in very solid relationships that've gone thru the exact same thing. And in all those cases the 2 people went their separate ways for anywhere from 5 months to a year while the one partner sorted out their past issues. I don't know if I can wait that long, nor if I want to. I doubt you would too. Oddly, this has been one of the hardest experiences for me to deal with. This woman was more right for me than any of my past long term relationships.

 

My advice to you is lay your cards on the table. Then walk away. If you were good to her and you made her heart flutter even a little bit, she will remember you. And if you're both lucky and the universe has somehow aligned itself just so, so that your paths meet again at an opportune time for both of you, then things will work out for the best. And it'll work out even more than if things were to play out in the present state.

 

Good luck.

[canonrebel]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm just a bit taken aback because I honestly never felt this way before and don't know how to deal with it.

 

To answer the thing about the night I met her:

 

The night I met her, I was ON a date. It was a third date with a girl that i've known for 15+ years. I knew she was always into me and she asked me out, the first two dates were dinners and nothing more (no kissing/touching). The third date simply should not have happened. We were both going to a mutual friend's birthday, and she suggested we get dinner before and go in together, and I never replied to her request the first time until she texted me again a few days later. When we got there, I didn't pay much attention to her because she was with her friends and whatnot and so was I.

 

I mentioned before that she thought I was put up to asking her out and whatnot. A friend of mine was out on a date with a girl, and his backup plan if the date was bad was to meet up with me. They were having a great time and wanted to extend the night, so he brought her to where I was. We met, and in the 15 minute conversation we had, she deemed me 'worthy' of her friend I guess, and she called her out. We met not much later and clicked, and I got her number, and I texted the next night.

 

I keep forgetting these minor details, but here's another one that has me confused. On the date AFTER the first time she attempted to end things, we were at a karaoke bar together and having a great time. I had her in my arms and I just said "hey, i'm just confused. Just a week ago, you were ready to get rid of me, and now I have you in my arms. What gives?". Of course, I said it in a playful manner, and she responded in the same way, saying "well, I thought you were sorta keeping me around on retainer".

 

Maybe i'm wrong, but these are the words that come from someone who really thought about the mid-long term prospect of me as a mate.

 

It was kinda tough to respond to her statement, so I replied honestly by saying "I want to date you more because I like you and want to see where this goes", and she seemed to like my response. Later that night, we slept together for the first time.

 

Is my attraction physical? Well, I think she gorgeous, but we only slept together ONCE, which was the aforementioned night. The next time I was in her bed was the following week, when I stayed with her overnight and took her to the train station in the early morning hours. So no, i'm not blinded by the sex. You might think i'm confusing feelings for great companionship, but I don't think that's the case.

 

In the end, what really matters is what she most recently said. I can pull out all the details from our previous dates, but her most recent thoughts are what matter the most. She stated that she 'doesn't want to cross the line into emotional investment' but that she 'really likes me and likes my company'. When I asked where it was going, she said she didn't know and couldn't tell the future. Guess she wasn't thinking about it at all.

 

I made up my mind - i'm going to initiate the chat via gchat tomorrow and see how it goes. I'm not going to press her with any questions regarding us; i'll keep it casual and i'll see if she wants to see me again.

[abitbroken]

I think even though the "date with the other girl shouldn't have been" you sort of violated some sort of code in the eyes of some women. When you are on a date, you don't wander from your date to meet another woman no matter how bad the date is - even if she bid on you in a bachelor charity auction, or its a bad blind date. You might have portrayed it as your foot was already out the door with the other woman, and it was, but in the appearances are everything. The "oh, we went on two dates and this third one isn't really a date" makes a woman worry - because that may be the way he talks about us if we are on the rocks with him or if our relationship is not new. We rather see a man carry out his date. If that means he doesn't meet us until after she goes home and he returns (if it really wasn't a date), or leaves our next meeting to chance then so be it. I can see why she would still think about that.

 

If you have already slept with her, I am afraid to say your vision may be cloudy in that you are more likely to want to hang on to her after that occurs. BTW, I wouldn't have slept with a woman who doesn't want any emotional involvement unless you are in to casual sex. I know if the situation was reversed and you were a woman going after a man who told you he wasn't ready for a relationship, and then slept with him, there would be an eruption about physical attachment on the forum and why did you do it Sleeping an cuddling in one another's bed, etc - sex or no are intimate things that you do with someone you are emotionally involved. Okay, if you do say you 'don't see sex as attachment' - than its not the penetration but staying around to fall asleep in the other's arms

 

Seriously, this girl has been telling you no, but you are doing all the things to insert yourself - no pun intended - to prove to her why she should feel differently.

 

Btw, you say you are going to be nonchalant and not press her - but keep in mind what you are after. Don't just "put up" with her not wanting a relationship and finding that if you don't press her, she'll stick around and give you some of the things you want. Because if she sticks to her guns, you will either be heartbroken in the end or feel you don't know her at all because she doesn't share much with you.

 

btw, when a woman says "she doesn't know the future", of course she doesn't. But believe me, if we like you and see potential, we have already thought about the potential future with you in our minds. We aren't weirdos wanting to get married tomorrow but we have tried the hat on for size in our minds wondering how it would be between us to sort of sort out in our minds if you are potential long term material or is their a kink in the wheel and we should not pursue any further.

 

Just my two cents.

[canonrebel]

I wouldn't have slept with a woman who doesn't want any emotional involvement unless you are in to casual sex.

 

I honestly did not know what her intentions were. Just prior to that, she said things weren't working out because she didn't want to get hurt later on. Then later she admitted she felt like I was keeping her on retainer. To me, it sounded like she thought things through and thought of me as more than someone she could casually date, which is why she was cautious in the beginning. But then we were comfortable with each other enough to sleep together later that night. I was not looking for a quick lay!

 

Seriously, this girl has been telling you no, but you are doing all the things to insert yourself - no pun intended - to prove to her why she should feel differently.

 

Well, this was our first real conversation on the matter. But I get your point. The conversation we had didn't last long - I was walking her home and it must've been 10 minutes while we were walking.

 

She tells me that she wants to casually date, but her actions don't say that in my opinion, which is why I want to stick around for a little bit more to see what could happen.

 

I wholly appreciate your responses - it's definitely helping me think clearer.

[moondog627]

btw, when a woman says "she doesn't know the future", of course she doesn't. But believe me, if we like you and see potential, we have already thought about the potential future with you in our minds. We aren't weirdos wanting to get married tomorrow but we have tried the hat on for size in our minds wondering how it would be between us to sort of sort out in our minds if you are potential long term material or is their a kink in the wheel and we should not pursue any further.

 

I don't necessarily agree with this. If someone's not ready for a relationship it doesn't matter how well they see themselves with the other person. In fact, for someone like this, if they start to develop feelings it's entirely possible this person will cut things off pronto. Happened to me, happened to many other people I know. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Doesn't matter how much chemistry, connection, future, potential, etc you see with the other person.

[moondog627]

I made up my mind - i'm going to initiate the chat via gchat tomorrow and see how it goes. I'm not going to press her with any questions regarding us; i'll keep it casual and i'll see if she wants to see me again.

 

Firstly, I would have this chat in person, not over gchat. Secondly, if you want to see where things go, then like others have said, I would pull back and let her come to you a bit. Don't initiate plans this weekend. Don't contact her till she contacts you. Even if it's just for a week. Be patient and see what happens.

[abitbroken]

I don't necessarily agree with this. If someone's not ready for a relationship it doesn't matter how well they see themselves with the other person. In fact, for someone like this, if they start to develop feelings it's entirely possible this person will cut things off pronto. Happened to me, happened to many other people I know. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Doesn't matter how much chemistry, connection, future, potential, etc you see with the other person.

 

You might have taken me a bit out of context. I was addressing his thought of 'do all women handle relationships like her?. If a woman meets a guy she was excited to have met and be going out with, she might in her smitten mind imagine what things would be like for a moment down the road even if that sounds silly. I am guilty of thinking how my first name would sound with the last name of guys I have dated that I have been excited about or imagined what they would think of my folks being that they were a professional rodeo clown or whatever. It s not maybe what everyone does, but its natural and not weird. There are women who get smitten, etc., not every woman handles men with 'i don't want to get emotionally involved"

[abitbroken]

Firstly, I would have this chat in person, not over gchat. Secondly, if you want to see where things go, then like others have said, I would pull back and let her come to you a bit. Don't initiate plans this weekend. Don't contact her till she contacts you. Even if it's just for a week. Be patient and see what happens.

 

Agree - don't gchat important things! And btw be prepared for the answer. If she continues to say she doesn't want to get emotionally involved, you have your answer again.

[canonrebel]

Firstly, I would have this chat in person, not over gchat. Secondly, if you want to see where things go, then like others have said, I would pull back and let her come to you a bit. Don't initiate plans this weekend. Don't contact her till she contacts you. Even if it's just for a week. Be patient and see what happens.

 

Agree - don't gchat important things! And btw be prepared for the answer. If she continues to say she doesn't want to get emotionally involved, you have your answer again.

 

I was planning on chatting with her like it was normal, every day chat. 'Hey, how's your week going, yadda yadda", but that's obviously ignoring the elephant in the room and might make things weird. I have the patience/discipline to pull back and let her come to me, but what if she doesn't? At all? Guess that speaks just as many volumes.

 

On another note

 

Maybe I need to pull back from all women and just chill out. I rebound like Dennis Rodman and go from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship because I feel like I have a void when i'm NOT with someone. If I get dumped or end things with a girl, I look for the next quick replacement to make myself feel better. This vicious cycle's been going on for two years, but what makes this girl different is that I actually made an effort to make something into an actual relationship, and in return I get a cold shoulder in that regard. Even now...I just got back from a bar with a few friends, already on the hunt and getting a phone number in the process. I know it's 'healthy' for me to live like a single man right now (technically I am, I guess), but why can't I even stay focused on this issue while ignoring everything else?

[moondog627]

You might have taken me a bit out of context. I was addressing his thought of 'do all women handle relationships like her?. If a woman meets a guy she was excited to have met and be going out with, she might in her smitten mind imagine what things would be like for a moment down the road even if that sounds silly. I am guilty of thinking how my first name would sound with the last name of guys I have dated that I have been excited about or imagined what they would think of my folks being that they were a professional rodeo clown or whatever. It s not maybe what everyone does, but its natural and not weird. There are women who get smitten, etc., not every woman handles men with 'i don't want to get emotionally involved"

 

Ha! Gotcha. Well, to be honest, guys do that as well

[abitbroken]

Don't play games. If you decide to pull back, pull back because you decide not to be as invested for your own reasons. Don't pull back just to get a reaction out of her, because that would backfire. Also, some of my advice about not calling her so much and mix it up and date others does not apply once you have slept with her. I didn't know you had until after my original suggestion. If you end up continuing with this girl, but then date someone else and sleep with them before ending it with her - things could go badly for you and it will be nothing compared to what she thinks about you having met her while you were with someone else. What I mean by accepting dates is not to be "on the hunt" at the bar, but if you naturally meet someone not in a meet market but say you are a part of the whale watcher's club and there's a woman there you always seem to have good convos with and you go grab lunch with her and then end up deciding to date her for real and so you taper down or break it off with the first girl. Going out and conquesting women at bars is no better of a situation because you are going after the same 18-22 year old ladies who you complain are not serious.

[canonrebel]

Damn, where've you been in my life the last five years haha. I'm an idiot when it comes to women.

 

Anyway, we chatted today via gchat (she sent the first message). She wanted to see me for lunch (our offices are fairly close-by, but we've never done the during-the-work-day meet-up before). I couldn't go because I was busy, but it was nice that she was actually thinking about me. I know she says she doesn't want emotional investment, but I don't think it's because she doesn't feel it, but because she's holding herself back.

 

I didn't contact her throughout the week, but it's not because I want to 'play games' and let her make the first move, but I feel I need to step back from the situation and collect myself and my thoughts. Anyway, thanks for the help everyone, i'll be sure to update the situation.

[abitbroken]

Damn, where've you been in my life the last five years haha. I'm an idiot when it comes to women.

 

Anyway, we chatted today via gchat (she sent the first message). She wanted to see me for lunch (our offices are fairly close-by, but we've never done the during-the-work-day meet-up before). I couldn't go because I was busy, but it was nice that she was actually thinking about me. I know she says she doesn't want emotional investment, but I don't think it's because she doesn't feel it, but because she's holding herself back.

 

I didn't contact her throughout the week, but it's not because I want to 'play games' and let her make the first move, but I feel I need to step back from the situation and collect myself and my thoughts. Anyway, thanks for the help everyone, i'll be sure to update the situation.

 

There is a difference between stepping back as in not calling throughout the week or not always being a date initiator versus not being a date initiator and actively trolling bars to fill your time.

 

I agree with your assessment that she is holding back. But even so, you have to stay aware. It is just like a woman who dates a man who seems to be intrigued by her and loves to spend time with her and they just seem to click but he tells her up front that he never wants kids or never wants to marry. Well, she hangs in there and notices they are getting closer and closer and assumes that things are a natural progression - they sleep together, eat together, and share stuff. Then she is stunned and heartbroken when they get to the point where she is ready to marry him and her heart is broken because he tells her he doesn't believe in marriage or doesn't want kids like its the carpet pulled out from under her. But he told her point blank in the beginning and she thought she could change him. Well, just don't rely on her wanting to go out with you again. Before you let yourself fall too hard, make sure she is on the same page and wants to really date you and be in a relationship. I guess my point is, that no matter what something looks like, if in their heart they aren't into it , they are going to do what feels good, but it doesn't mean they have changed what they want on the inside.

 

Just be careful.

[canonrebel]

So a few more developments in this situation...

 

Right after I made my last reply (last night around 10), she texted me asking if I was going to be at a certain spot (a popular spot in the city). Couldn't tell if she wanted to see me there, or if she was giving me a 'warning', like "hey, just a heads up, i'm going to be there so don't be surprised if I see you grinding on some girl". My answer to her text was that I was a 'maybe' on going (which was true). She said she was going there with a few girlfriends, and I didn't respond for a few minutes, and she texted me again with "Come."

 

So I get there kinda late. As i'm walking in, she and her friends are about to leave to go somewhere else, but she obviously wants to stay with me and convinces her friends to stay. We have a great time dancing and whatnot, and we go outside for a bit, and we start a pretty lengthy chat. What I got from what she said: she said that "we" would never happen because she believes that we're "incompatible". She thinks i'm a certain 'type' of guy (which I am not) and I tell her that her perception of me is completely wrong. She then brings up her past about how she was hurt because her last BF cheated on her, and she didn't deal with the heartbreak too well, and she sees me as the 'heartbreaker' type, that after the 'chase', i'd get bored of her and move on. I told her that the 'chase' was over because I already 'got' her, and it's just a matter of her breaking down her own walls, and that 'the worst part of this whole thing is that you have me completely wrong'.

 

We leave together and go grab a bite, where we continue to enjoy each other's company. While we walk back to her apartment, she keeps telling me "it's (the relationship) not going to happen...", despite wanting me to stay over and spend the night. She even goes as far as telling me that she's been seeing another guy, which I think is BS. I mentioned that while I was a bit deterred by that fact, we weren't officially exclusive so I really had no right to be mad at her, and I told her that I hadn't been seeing anyone else (which is true). Basically she threw whatever she could at me to discourage pursuing the relationship. She'd rather me drift away than cut it off on her own. She even threw away the toothbrush I bought the last time I stayed the night, because she thought i'd never end up back at her place (either I wouldn't want to, or she wouldn't let me, both of which had been proven wrong).

 

While in bed, we continue to talk a little more while kissing, and she keeps bringing up these details about me that she finds questionable, like the fact that I sorta couch-surf in the city during the weekends (because I moved back to the outer boroughs to be with my mom and commuting 1.5 hours or spending $50 on cab rides late at night is a pain). She thinks I have 'friends with benefits' around the city with whom I have casual sex with. I assured her the four people I usually crash with is my sister, a male friend, a female friend who is engaged and lives with her fiance, and another female friend who is a lesbian living with her partner. I asked her "are you REALLY seeing someone else?" and based on her sheepish reactions, I think it was a lie. She also mentioned that I didn't even meet up with her for lunch earlier in the day, but I told her it was a matter of "couldn't", not "wouldn't", because the lunch hours (12-3) are my busiest.

 

We were done around 5:00 AM and she started falling asleep, but I stayed awake most of the night, thinking about 'us' and other things. I caught a few 30-minutes naps until around 9:30 AM, when she woke up too. We just talked a little bit more, but by 10:30 AM I had to leave. She said "it seems like you're always 'leaving' me", but I volunteer tutor on Saturdays at 11 (which is true). I told her I was going to stay home all day and that i'd call later at night just to chat (she had a day planned with her family). Her phone battery was dead in the morning so around noon I sent her a Facebook message instead, a playful one that read "you're alla dat and a bag of jalapeno kettle-cooked chips" (her fave...I know, inside jokes, yuck haha). She texted me back not much later and we exchanged a few playful/joking words until around 3PM. I'm going to call her later tonight. No more games.

 

It's a matter of time before she lets me in completely because it IS in fact naturally progressing in that direction, but she's trying to stall/stymie the flow.

 

abitbroken, you were right about what you said before: The 'physical' can be taken slowly, but the 'emotional' cannot (if it's there, it's there). That's what I was so confused about earlier. But i'm fairly certain that the 'emotional' is there for her, but she's giving it a tough time allowing it in. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that (if I make any sense haha).