A little bit of help please

[h_b_k_02]

Okay, so I was dating a girl for 5+ years. We broke up about 2 months ago. Generally, she said that if you wanted to get back together with me, we need to be friends first. We have to start somewhere. She said she didn't love me anymore. Basically I drove her away by spending less time with her over that time, but I think that had a lot more to do with my insecurity.

 

We broke up about a year ago, saying we would stop talking to each other for a while to see how things would go. The day after this agreement was to be implemented, she called me and made plans with me for that night. She said her reason was that she was scared to lose me. Well, about 2 months ago we broke up again. This time we remained in contact, went through all the inevitable fighting. I recently wrote her a letter saying that if she didn't want me to hold her back, we needed to say goodbye. I told her I could not be friends with her, I would never be able to get over her if this occurred.

 

I told her that after this week, Saturday to be precise, I would let her go. August 14th, our "5 1/2 year anniversary". I am taking her out for a nice dinner, at which point I plan on giving her a note saying good bye. But the other day we were talking and she said she wanted to go somewhere with me in late September. I told her how since she obviously has already read what I said, and she said she thought we would still see each other once in a while. Well, we have had a good week with no fighting, but I do need to say goodbye for now to try and move on.

 

I have bought her 2 tickets to see a musical in the city on September 26. I basically will tell her to take whomever she wants with her. I am kind of hoping she will ask me, but at the same time I'm not so sure I should go, even though I will probably be disappointing her.

 

Truth is, I really think she does love me. I think she is moreso not telling me because she is scared I will still "ignore her", and that she feels vulnerable to tell me. She told me that she misses me when she doesn't see me, so I thought maybe if she didn't see me at all she will realize that she has lost me.

 

In any event, I told her if she wanted to talk about it, she has to do so before Saturday, because I want Saturday to just be her and I and no issues. I am basically just waiting now to see what she says. I am torn right now between wanting to disappear from her life, or giving her exactly what she wants.

 

Since the break-up, we have physically hooked up 3 times, twice in one night. She always gives me a big hug goodbye and I really think things have been going on the right track, so I plan to tell her that is exaclty how I want to leave things.

 

One more question for everyone, I plan on visiting one of my previous ex-girlfriends sometime this month and was just wondering if possibly it would be a good or bad idea to tell her. I thought that maybe if I do tell her, she'll feel jealous. I thought at the same time though that if I tell her she may feel I don't want to be with her anymore, or perhaps that I have let go of the possibility of a reconciliation, something I do want.

 

Any help or opionions would be greatly appreciated. Relationships are so confusing and it is nice to know that in this internet era, we can get help from complete strangers instead of having to get help from people we don't feel comfortable telling about our issues.

[Wagga]

Hello....

 

I think you should have a serious talk with her where all of this is heading. What's happenning at the moment is not healthy for her or for you. It's tough being in the middle without knowing where you are heading with her. You should really get an answer out of her, Yes or No, simple as that. Keep us posted and good luck!

 

Wagga

[emotionography]

You definitely need to talk to her about how she's feeling. You need to explain to her that you're getting mixed feelings from her and are torn between a very difficult decision.

 

It sounds like she still cares about you or, at least, cares about your proximity to her, but in no way should you let yourself be strung along by her if you feel that her presense in your life is negative in any way shape or form. One of the purposes of a relationship, in which you share intimate feelings with one another, is to grow with eachother.

 

Sit down and talking with her and discuss your feelings with honestly. Find out if her 'missing you when you're not around' is based on new feelings that she's developed or just the longings in her heart to remember 'what was.' You don't necessarily want to get yourself into the same situation that broke you up in the first place.

 

The difficult thing about relationships is that people become very comfortable in a bad routine if they're positively reinforced with feelings of passion, romance, and sex.

 

How much self reflection have you done? Have you had a chance to focus on healing and discover why you initially put so much distance from her? The best thing to do for yourself is to learn from any mistakes that you or her may have made. Don't confront them with anger, just confront them and acknowledge them. Learning from the problems that set you two apart in the first place will not only help you come to your decision of 'what you should do' but it will also help you become ready, stronger and emotionally equipt for future possibilities of love.

 

it's a tricky situation, but i wish you the best.

[h_b_k_02]

Well, thanks for the heads up. I really am having a hard time talking to her about any specifics though, she said she needs to realize what she wants alone.

 

Anyhow, she has called me three times today. Once in the morning to tell me she isn't going to her part-time job today, she is going to the mall instead. I offered to go and she said no (which is odd because she usually says it's up to you). She then called me an hour later saying she was going to work, couldn't get someone to cover her shift.

 

Well, about 10 minutes ago, near the end of my work day, she called again to say she wasn't going to work because she is sick. I said do you want me to bring you some soup and she immidiately replied ok. No hesitation. So I am off to her house and hopefully able to keep my pants on . Damn women and their mixed signals.

 

Anyway, I know it isn't likely but I thought when I gave her notice that Saturday was pretty much the end of friendship time, she would become frightened of losing me and realize that she does actually love me. I know it's improbable, but is it possible to actually realize you are in love with someone you didn't think you were in a week. Keep in mind I have been probably the best-behaved since we started going out 5 years ago and I told her I have a surprise gift for her on Saturday that she just can't wait to get.

 

Damn women and their mind games

[h_b_k_02]

Well, I ended up writing her a nice letter on Monday, basically saying that after Saturday, I am not sure if or when I'll be able to speak to her again. She cried, then I began to crack a little. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her. Well, she has called me a total of 10 times since Sunday, before I gave her the letter. She just called me now actually to see what I was doing, and to ask me if I wanted to go watch a movie tomorrow. I told her I'd rather go tonight. She basically was adamant on tomorrow so I said fine. Then, right before we hang up, she said, "I'll tell you what, I'll call you if I change my mind". Ok then. She also told me in not so many words that she has started to miss me when she doesn't see me.

 

She also told me about some stage play festival she wanted to take me to next month and that it's too bad I can't go now. She is giving me all kinds of mixed signals, but I don't want to irritate her with questions because she does need to tell me on her own, without me forcing it out of her.

 

I know someone is trying to set her up, how I know not important. I know her answer was that while intriguing, she is not ready, she is too busy and needs to get settled. Well, I basically told her that once she decided to see someone else, the prospect of me and her would be a thing of the past. Is she having second thoughts? I don't know, but I do know that we have had a tremendous week, spoke very softly to each other, haven't fought or even come close to it. Basically I don't want her to tell me she loves me right now, because that would blow it all (hard to explain). But what I am hoping for is a "can we try and build off of this week?". I think progress was made without using the nc, but I cannot use the nc because I would have to pretty much really hurt her feelings for her to stop calling me.