VENT! Friends that don't know how to make plans...

[RedDress]

ARGH! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to vent...

 

About 5 years ago, I moved away from "home" to go to another big city (~500km or 300 miles away) for my career. In all the time that I've been here, very few of my friends and family have come to visit me regularly... instead they wait for me to come "home" every few months.

 

Anyways, back home I have these friends who we will call "Jody" and "Pippa". I have known Jody and Pippa for about 15 years and I love them dearly. We used to have an annual girls' weekend getaway every year but they were always picking places 2-3 hours north of "home" (and further from where I live). That means that the entire weekend would involve 16 hours of driving for me. That's a lot. So... I finally broke last year and told them that as much as I loved it, I wouldn't be participating in these weekends anymore. It's tooooo far. That if they wanted to still have the weekend, to at least pick a place in between our two cities. I don't mind driving 3-4 hours (one way)... but not 8. They told me that it was ok... that they recognized how hard it was for me and that for the next trip, they'd come to visit me. Yay!

 

Now, what you have to understand is that Jody and Pippa are NOTORIOUSLY bad at making plans. You can make plans on the phone with them (while I am at "home") and by the time you get in your car and get there (20 minutes), things are completely different. They say we'll order pizza... you show up and there's chinese on the table. They say that it's "just us" and there's a billion people when you show up. This used to seriously upset me... but I got over it (for the most part). I prioritized our friendship over the craziness and have learned over the years to just roll with the punches.

 

So... Jody and Pippa were planning to come. I talk to Jody regularly online throughout the week (Yay to technology!). I PURPOSELY asked Jody EVERY time I spoke to her "When is it that you are coming again"? As if I had amnesia. Annoying... but they are bad planners, so it's the kind of thing you gotta do. She kept saying "Mother's day", "Mother's day", "Mother's day" (this coming weekend).

 

WELL... this afternoon I was chatting with Jody and I said "Oh... you are coming this weekend! Can't wait!". To which she replied... "Actually, it's not this weekend, it's next weekend - I forgot to tell you. We changed the date because blah, blah, blah...". Fine. No problem. I am free the following weekend. Whatever. Rolling with the punches. But now TONIGHT, I mention it again and ask what they want to do, etc. and she says "Oh, it's not next weekend, it's the long weekend (end of May)."

 

ARGH!

 

I've been planning for MONTHS to go on a road trip starting that weekend!! It's not even hard to miss... it's ALL over my Facebook wall.

 

So - I tell Jody that I can't... and you know what she says???? "Oh. We were really looking forward to getting away. Can you leave your key so that we can crash there that weekend?"

 

ARRRRGGGGHHHH...

 

What bothers me is that:

 

a) I don't want people (even the bestest friends like them) rattling around my apartment all weekend without me there. It's icky. I'm a very private person and I have some "issues" with people coming to stay with me even when I AM there. I freak out... I clean like a mad person... I hide private stuff I don't want people, in general, to see... there are some quirky things (like my fridge door handle is kinda wonky, but I have my weird little "methods") and they're probably going to break it. Ick, ick, ick!

 

b) Somehow it's not even about visiting me anymore! Like... gee... thanks. Miss you too.

 

I am SO mad right now, my head could explode.

 

Anyways... I'm not even sure I have the choice. They are really good friends and they have done SO much for me throughout the years. I also don't think they can afford a hotel, so they'd be stuck. It just REALLY makes me mad, yanno?

 

Can someone take a moment to empathize with me, please? ARGH! I love them... but what is WRONG with these people???

[agent1607307371]

My question is, are they good friends, or were they good friends?

[RedDress]

My question is, are they good friends, or were they good friends?

 

No - they are good friends. Just dolts. I am the godmother to one of their children (this happened since I've been gone). I've known them for ages, they aren't going anywhere.

 

... but I see your point...

[Purusha]

I've had a friend like that as well - incredibly flaky and would force me to always be on the edge of my seat for the night when we planned to see each other to be changed suddenly and have to reorganise myself. Veeery annoying.

It came to a head when she was inconsiderate again, told her I was mad with her, she apologised, we made up and I thought everything was fine, but I never heard from her again!! Very sad as we were very good friends but she needs to find a spine and face up to things a bit I think.

 

I know exactly what it's like, and I don't think that you should bend over backwards for people who have no consideration for your feelings. I think if they're friends then you can talk to them about this and work it out.

 

If, like my friend, they run whenever there's a hiccup then you probably need to think about whether you're prepared to chase them down when it was their bad behaviour and lack of consideration that got you there. For me, I wasn't prepared to put up with it and allow someone to treat me like that, but from the sounds of it I'm not sure this would happen to you as you've been friends with them for so long and are godmother to one of their children, so it may be a change for the better from your perspective.

 

Good luck! Hope it all works out!

[9eliz]

I don't think you should give them the key to where you live. I also think they are being very inconsiderate of your feelings. They change the date without even telling you, the person they are going to visit. Do they assume you will have free time or think you will make time. Adress this issue, and maby use this story as a prime example