Satch's How To Get You Ex Back - Begged, Borrowed and Stolen

[Satch]

I've read a number of articles on this site, as well as a couple of well known 'get your ex back' type books, and I'd like to share what I have learned about the art of winning your ex back. I'll flavour it with my own recent experience, and the steps I have taken so far. Please note: I am neither a professional in relationships, nor have I been successful to date at winning my ex back. This is only my opinion on how it may work.

 

Your ex has dumped you. The person that you loved dearly, and still do. You gave them your heart, and it feels like they have cut it in half. Shock has caused you to beg, plead, and cry to them in an attempt to change their mind. This may even have worked temporarily. All of the 'strategies' say not to do this, but you already have. It is only after you have come to a site like this that you realise it is not the best action to take.

 

So they have gone. You feel empty and without purpose. Go to bed each night, and wake up each morning expecting to find them next to you. You wake up hoping it all to be a bad dream. You don't eat or sleep for days. You lose weight (possibly the only positive so far) But alas, it is reality. They were adamant with their decision to leave.

 

First and foremost, you need to remove as much of your now ex's life from yours. This means making them remove all of their possessions from your place if you lived together, taking down any photos of them etc. Put all of the photos and cards and letters they gave you into a shoe box, and store it somewhere safe. Give it to a friend to look after if the temptation is too great to go through it every time you think about them. DO NOT throw this stuff away or destroy it. After all, it is part of your history. If your ex does come back to you, you don't want to explain what you did to all this stuff! If they don't return, then once you have moved on, you will have memoirs to cherish forever.

 

This sets you up solidly for the 'no contact' phase. Temporarily removing the above stuff from your life will help you to get through no contact with your ex. You need to be fully aware of the use of no contact. No contact is for you to grieve. No contact is to allow you to control your emotions. No contact is to allow you to move on far enough, so you come to the realisation that you do not NEED your ex, but that it is your PREFERENCE to have your ex in your life. There is a large difference. No contact is not to let your ex miss you. If they do come back to you during the no contact period due to missing you, then this is a bonus. But it is not too likely to happen.

 

No contact is to allow you to gain your confidence again. Go out with your buddies. Talk to others at bars etc. Interact with the opposite sex. Don't go too far with them though. Just build up your confidence again. This will help you later. Exercise, take up new hobbies etc. Anything to keep you busy. Get your independence back.

 

If your ex tries to contact you during the period that you've set aside for no contact, do not ignore them. If they leave you a message or send you an email, you do not have to reply immediately. But do not leave it too long before you respond, and keep it very short and light. Show absolutely no emotions. Emotions will only push them further and further away. Exactly what you did when they left you, and exactly the opposite of what you want to happen.

 

Also use this time to make any changes to yourself that you discovered during the break up. Use the feedback that your ex gave you (if any) to improve yourself FOR YOURSELF. No doubt you have also completed a character assassination of yourself like I did. Work hard to improve the things that you want to improve.

 

Remain positive about the idea of getting back together. This will give you the right mindset to work at this. Someone said it is better to keep faith, rather than keep hope. This is so true.

 

You have to be careful not to play games or be seen by your ex to be playing games. If your ex feels this, then you will probably lose their respect and push them further away.

 

There is no set period for no contact, but it will more likely take weeks rather than days to control your emotions. Only you will be able to gauge this.

 

Ok, you've now had long enough to get over the initial shock of the situation, and your emotions are at bay. Now what? This is when you start to initiate contact with your ex again. But it is still not time to reveal any emotions. If you do, then you will negate all the hard work you have done during the no contact period, and set yourself squarely back at step one again. Whenever you contact your ex, or they contact you, keep it light. Display the confidence and independence that you gained during the no contact period. Show your ex that you do not need them. Being needy will only push them away…yes, back to step one. It does not hurt to be a little aloof when talking to your ex. You do not have to tell them everything you have been up to. Keep a little mystery there for them to think.

 

Once you have started to rebuild a friendly relationship with your ex, ask them to get together for a coffee, lunch, a movie etc. But take it slow and don't aim for the top too soon. I asked my ex out for lunch and she accepted. We had a great time, and did not talk emotions or relationship at all. Then I asked her to the movies about 3 weeks later, and she said no because it was a little too soon.

 

When you do meet with them, display what you have learned and worked on during the no contact period. Your confidence and independence will attract them. It will show them the person that they first fell in love with, not the needy emotional person they left on that last night together. Also try to show them the changes you have made to yourself. This will likely impress them, and draw them closer to you. Keep those emotions away though. You will still likely have the chemistry present, but you are trying to re-ignite the feelings of love that your ex once had for you.

 

Note: In my own situation, my ex told me that she could not see us together in future. This is due to some earlier comments I had made about marriage and children. This is the major cause of our break up I believe. She is also moving to a new city very shortly (and I'll be moving there soon too). In this situation, I have decided to write her a letter to tell her my views on marriage and children, and to also point out some of the weak behaviours I have realised about myself. My letter states that I am working on these things to benefit myself. I am not saying that I am doing them for her, or want her back because of it.

 

Create pleasant experiences with your ex. Have fun together. Get your ex to help create the pleasant moments together. This will only strengthen your cause.

 

Agree with everything your ex says to you. In my example above about asking my ex to the movies, when she said no it is too soon, I said "I understand and I agree with you." Then all of a sudden she suggested that we catch up for a coffee instead! It worked like magic. If your ex does bring up things about your relationship during this time, especially criticising the things you did, agree with them. There is a certain psychology in this that will work to your favour.

 

Hopefully after a fair amount of time of this hard work, if your ex still does have feelings for you, or has rediscovered feelings, they will bring it up. This is where talk of emotions can start – but slowly. Do not break down and declare to your ex that you have been wishing for this day ever since you split. You need to take it slowly and carefully.

 

You need your ex to be clear with you the reasons why they might want to come back to you. After all, you do not want to get back into the same situation as last time, as they will break your heart again. If the reasons are the right ones, then continue to feed them more emotion. You cannot expect the relationship to go back to where you left off. It will be hard work, and you will probably have trust issues with them for a while. You need to be prepared for this.

 

All those changes that you made or worked on during the no contact period really come into play now. If you were to slip back into your old habits now, you are doomed. Remember this is one of the reasons they left you in the first place. This is the point you've been praying for so long now, that you don't want to screw it up!

 

If, after building up a friendship with your ex again has not enticed any feelings from them, then you need to take the lead and start feeding your feelings slowly to them. If they bite, then you can continue on as written above. If they show nothing in return, then perhaps your love relationship is truly over. You may have to consider at this point whether or not you can maintain only a friendship with them.

 

Well, it seems so simple really. I only wish it was! I hope this helps you in your quest on getting your ex back. I also suggest reading some of the books that have been written on this subject. They contain more detail than I have put here, and are definitely a good read if nothing else.

 

Good luck to you all. I want to hear of any successful outcomes you might have when using the above strategy. I'll certainly let you know when I am successful. I'm also happy for this post to be a discussion point, and if anyone wants to add to it, please do so. This will end up benefiting us all in the long run.

[dreamguy]

Great post, well detailed and well written.

I imagine this must have consumed some of your time but it was worth it. It sums up most of the steps to be followed when trying to get your ex back. Excellent for all the people who are confused when reading through the hundreds of posts on this forum.

I have one comment though. I don't concur when you say one should agree with everything their ex says. Your ex might think you are trying to manipulate them by agreeing to everything in order to get what you want. Or you could come accross as a weak individual who is afraid to disagree at the risk of losing them.

People are drawn to strength of character. If there are things to which you don't agree then you should let them know calmly yet firmly.

[emotionography]

i will try this. i may improvise in certain areas, but i will definitely try this.

 

Right now, i'm having a difficult time discovering who i am without my ex, and after reading the numerous posts on this site and i can only think to myself: How can I want to get back together with her AND empower myself towards independance?

 

I'm only 6 days from the breakup and i'm currently not in contact with her.

 

What about your ex's desire to retain a friendship?

 

My ex told me that she loves me but she's not 'in love' with me and that she wouldn't know what to do with herself if i wasn't apart of her life in some aspect. I don't know what to think about that.

 

Satch, what do you think you should do if your ex decides to date other people while wanting to remain friends?

 

My doubts are merely telling me that my ex wants to stay friends up until she's comfortable with dating again, and at that point, our friendship will fade.

[rich46]

My doubts are merely telling me that my ex wants to stay friends up until she's comfortable with dating again, and at that point, our friendship will fade.

Exactly right. That is why you must initiate No Contact. If she contacts you, be polite and friendly but tell her you need some time alone to get your head around this and maybe in the future we can be friends. In my situation, there was no way I was going to hang around for 3,6,9 months or whatever, pretending to be friends until another guy comes on the scene. That's why you should have at least a month of absolute No Contact, maybe even more. Give her a chance to miss you, but more importantly, give yourself the chance to heal and move on.

 

Rich

[Satch]

I have one comment though. I don't concur when you say one should agree with everything their ex says. Your ex might think you are trying to manipulate them by agreeing to everything in order to get what you want. Or you could come accross as a weak individual who is afraid to disagree at the risk of losing them.

It is all in the way that you come accross. If you act and sound sincere, it will work. I have proven this point at least with the example of asking my ex out to the movies. She declined, I agreed, and next minute she was suggesting coffee instead.

 

These are not hard and fast rules, you'll need to adapt them to your own situation. After all, you are the only one who knows your ex the best.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[iceesnowbubble]

Satch, thank you so much for taking the time to write it out.. I have already pretty much lost all hope with getting back the ex, and at this point I am just trying to live my life without him... but your post is just wonderful.

[Satch]

What about your ex's desire to retain a friendship?

There are ways around the situation where your ex is not willing to retain a friendship with you. I have not read much about them because luckily I'm not in this situation. I suggest you get one of the books to help you out.

 

Satch, what do you think you should do if your ex decides to date other people while wanting to remain friends?

You have to forget the other person. If your ex talks to you about the other person, then listen. Do not react in a negative way. Be there for them as a friend. Listen to what they have to say.

 

You have to remember that your ex will compare this new person to you. It is only natural. Initially they'll be caught up in the newness of it all, but eventually that will wear off. If you are there as a friend to your ex, they will open up to you. This will cause their current partner to start getting jealous. But you remain understanding and caring the whole time. What do you think your ex might start thinking when their current is jealous and demanding, and their friend (you) is caring and understanding?

 

Good luck, and keep in touch.

[tere]

Hopefully after a fair amount of time of this hard work, if your ex still does have feelings for you, or has rediscovered feelings, they will bring it up. This is where talk of emotions can start – but slowly. Do not break down and declare to your ex that you have been wishing for this day ever since you split. You need to take it slowly and carefully.

 

quote]

Satch,

Your thread is very interesting. I'm in the stage of reinitiating casual dating with my ex, and fortunately I did similar things to those you mentioned. It's been only few dates, in the last one my ex started flirting with me lightly, he hasn't brought the relationship to the subject... nor did I... but he suggested to meet regularly for lunch... sometimes I don't know what to think and get despaired because I don't know what to do next. what do you think ?

 

On the other hand, you mentioned some books worth reading, which ones do you recommend?

[Satch]

Satch,

Your thread is very interesting. I'm in the stage of reinitiating casual dating with my ex, and fortunately I did similar things to those you mentioned. It's been only few dates, in the last one my ex started flirting with me lightly, he hasn't brought the relationship to the subject... nor did I... but he suggested to meet regularly for lunch... sometimes I don't know what to think and get despaired because I don't know what to do next. what do you think ?

Let it go for a while, and keep creating those positive moments. Draw him closer and closer to you before bringing up relationship talk. Rebuild that foundation.

 

On the other hand, you mentioned some books worth reading, which ones do you recommend?

I've read two now. "How to get your lover back" (Amazon) and "Stop Your Divorce" link removed. Both books have been insightful.

[oldman]

satch, is the ebook stop your divorce any good? im thinking of getting it too. how long is it? ie how many pages?

[skynet74]

Stop Your Divorce is 109 pages. A Fantastic Read. It will give you a lot of hope when you may have none. using these techniques can only help you. Not only will they help in getting your Ex back, but it will also help in bringing your true self back.

 

 

 

John

[mookey]

Just curious, does the information in the two books overlap? It would be nice to know that they both propose similar methods.

[fantasia2004]

Quote:

On the other hand, you mentioned some books worth reading, which ones do you recommend?

 

I've read two now. "How to get your lover back" (Amazon) and "Stop Your Divorce" link removed. Both books have been insightful.

 

 

How is the first book helpful? how to? what points do the make?

[skynet74]

Just curious, does the information in the two books overlap? It would be nice to know that they both propose similar methods.

--------------

 

I also read two books that pretty much agree on what you need to do. "STOP YOUR DIVORCE" and 'GET YOUR EX BACK". Here is a combination of both.

 

No Contact for 30 Days.

Exercise and Go on three Dates to build up your Confidence.

Then approach your Ex in a friendly manner

Don't be needy.

Ask for a simple Date for lunch

Be agreeable even if you don't agree.

Be the first to leave or hang up the phone so you appear busy

Then pull back and start letting the Ex come to you.

 

The idea is that your Ex sees a confident new person who more closely resembles the person they first met. Of course these books go into great detail about this, which I could not possibly do in this one post. I recommend you check the books out for yourself. They've helped a few different people on this Board get back their Ex.

 

 

John

[kate111]

You forgot:

 

Realise that it is your PREFERENCE to get your ex back not your NEED.

[mookey]

Thanks for the info. I have the "Getting Back Together" book. The information in there is pretty much exactly the same as what some people on this forum have posted.

 

However, it offers examples of situations you might have to deal with and how you might handle them.

[skynet74]

Exactly! When it's only your PREFERENCE it takes a lot of pressure off of you. You'll tend to not feel as bad about the situation. However if you look at it as NEEDING to get your ex back..... You will drive yourself crazy trying to make it happen. The preference approach allows you to relax a little bit more knowing that good things come to those that wait. Just kick back for a while. NEEDING will turn you into a stalker until you either get what you want (or) you get arrested. Trust me..... NEEDING does not benefit anyone.

 

Good point indeed.

 

 

John