Unique situation - considering therapy - alone in a new state

[Catchy06]

Hey all, I really appreciate those who will actually take the time to read my situation through and provide any insight or tips.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years (on and off, off times being when I was in college and was an idiot and wanted to try to see other people)... but eventually she turned it around on me and saw someone else. I allowed her to do that, I read through break up articles, I applied NC, she took a $300 trip to Florida to see a guy she really liked in high school. When she was down there I found out and I told her I knew she was there and said have a nice life. 3 days later she called me begging to talk- long story short she came back to me and we've been happy together for over a year since then.

 

NOW-

We have both graduated from college and have taken the leap to move to sunny Denver, Colorado as a couple (happy as can be and ready to grow together). After the first month I've been having the toughest time finding work that I'm WILLING to take. (I won't stoop to Burger King or anything like that). I haven't met any new people out here yet as hard as I try to make friends. She on the other hand has landed a new job, has met tons of new people, and has found a new best friend who she spends all her extra time together.

 

Well in this point in my life I'm the most insecure, vulnerable, just all around depressed individual with having no job, no friends, and my girlfriend is leaving me in the dust to meet new people. I texted her one night at 1 AM because she was out and didn't tell me where she was and I said "I think I'm going to move out when this lease is up". No response. (I was also drunk because I went out drinking alone because she was out with her friend). I also sent some other things like "please text me if you're okay" blah blah blah. No response. I removed my facebook relationship status to single on facebook and went to bed. She saw the fix the next morning (after "staying at her friends place" and then we haven't really talked too much since. I apologized for my reaction and tried to explain how I'm just in a really tough spot in my life. She said she understood but she wants to keep our space. (Keep in mind we live together). Well now she has this new best friend who she spends all this time with, she works 60 hours per week, and I'm left here sitting applying to jobs and trying to figure my life out alone.

 

How do I go about doing this. She said she wants us to still be best friends but not together anymore. She's adding all of these new guys on facebook I've never heard of before and she texted me tonight saying she's not coming home because she has to work at 7 am tomorrow and her friend lives closer to her job (she walks to work, no vehicle).

 

I don't want to feel needy, but NC isn't possible because she can come home whenever she wants to talk to me or see me. I don't have a guy friend who I can just ask to spend the night with. Were stuck in a 6 month lease. (Yes subletting is an option but I want to repair this problem if possible). Also: A very wrong thing to do - I went in her email and saw an email she sent her mom about how she has all this new support from people at work, and its a big family, and shes going to do a 4 day hike and camping trip with them, and everyone is so intelligent. - I feel like it means she doesn't need support from me anymore and I'm not intelligent enough for her. She never makes plans with me but has plans to do things with these people on a daily basis.

 

All I know about her friend's place is that it's a 1 bedroom apartment, her friend and her friends roommate have bunk beds so its not like she has somewhere comfortable to sleep, and I offered to pick her up from work so she didn't have to walk.

 

 

How do I go about getting back my sanity? I'm sure working regular hours will help me get stable, but it's so hard to feel confident when I'm alone and vulnerable.

 

Thanks for anyone who took the time to read I really really appreciate it. I'm so depressed and emotional its killing me.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I'd skip the idea of trying to rein in the GF, she's not going for that. I'd explore taking a hit to break the lease and moving back to your friends or family. That, or transfer the lease to her. It would be easier for you to get on your feet if you weren't living with someone who's 'love' was so conditional and who'd ditch you so easily. I'd do anything possible to get out of that situation.

 

Head high.

[Catchy06]

Thank you so much for your time and energy in reading and responding. If I move back with my friends in family, it's a 24 hour drive and I'd have to pack everything up and move home and start over, and I think would look pathetic in her eyes. If I drop her on the lease alone, thats $1000 a month she has to come up with alone and yes she can make that in 2 weeks at her new job, she says she'd feel stabbed in the back (I suggested getting our own places).

 

Her new friend is an independent female who has never had a boyfriend, and doesn't really want one until shes got a good job and feels secure with herself. I'm afraid this new friend has been putting ideas in my ex's head.

 

I love being able to vent and talk about what's going on on this website because by time I want to call a friend back home in NY, its 10 pm here and I get the text "I'm not coming home tonight", I'd be waking up a friend at home at midnight to vent.

 

Thank you so much for your reply again, it means so much.

[catfeeder]

Thank you so much for your time and energy in reading and responding. If I move back with my friends in family, it's a 24 hour drive and I'd have to pack everything up and move home and start over, and I think would look pathetic in her eyes. If I drop her on the lease alone, thats $1000 a month she has to come up with alone and yes she can make that in 2 weeks at her new job, she says she'd feel stabbed in the back (I suggested getting our own places).

 

Her new friend is an independent female who has never had a boyfriend, and doesn't really want one until shes got a good job and feels secure with herself. I'm afraid this new friend has been putting ideas in my ex's head.[...]

 

Time to stop basing your life choices on the ex. Sticking around there to cater to her is self destructive and isn't getting you anywhere. How your choice to move on 'appears' to her is her problem, you've got a life to live. Go start living it.

[lavenderdove]

You can't be sure either that she's actually staying with a female friend and not also running around with new guys and staying over with the sometimes. Just as likely, though she won't tell you about that. When someone's emotions turn on a dime like that, it usually means they've met someone new and are infatuated and want to start chasing them rather than stay with their long term partner, but usually won't admit that. I would suspect that she and this female friend are really out with some new guys as well, at least one of which your GF is very interested in, if not already dating.

 

The thing is this just didn't work out. She doesn't want to be with you, and she's already pulled away and is sleeping elsewhere a lot, with a female or male friends. So she is avoiding you, and if she can afford the $1K rent for 6 months on her own, let that be her problem.

 

Cut your losses and move back home since the job market there is no good and you have no friends to support you during the breakup. You tried your best and there is no shame in going home if she has said she will not date you (and is dating others), and in fact it would be terrible to sit there another six months while she runs around with new men. You won't look 'pathetic' in her eyes, because she's already made it clear she doesn't want to be your GF anymore, and what would be pathetic is hanging around trying to guilt her or plead her back into being with you when she wants you gone. She will respect you more if you take control of your life, but honestly, who cares what she thinks at this point because she has dumped you and is not your GF anymore. You need to think about what is right for you, and that is being somewhere you can get a good job and having friends and family to support you.

[lavenderdove]

btw, one more comment. I also moved accross country to spend more time with someone i loved, only to discover he was a liar and a cheat... it was AWFUL because i'd actually bought a house in the new place (and i didn't like the place that much either). As soon as i realized it wasn't going to work out, i went into overdrive to sell my house and get out, which i did. Even though i lost money on that ill fated move, it was worth it to get out, because if you take a wrong turn, continuing to go in the wrong direction doesn't make any sense! Best thing i ever did, and getting away from him and that place was the absolute right thing to do under the circumstances, as I was able to start fresh back in my home area which i loved. I got a much better job, a better place to live, and peace of mind once i'd done my grieving to get over him. If i'd hung around there after we broke up, it would have been like a little death every day waking up there. If i'd tried to hang around in the area he was in, i'd have just felt like a failure and gotten more and more depressed, not to mention the job market there was bad and the job i did get i hated.

 

So there is nothing wrong when changing things if the way things are didn't work out. Always move TOWARDS something positive rather than thinking about staying somewhere where it is a negative situation for you because you don't want to admit to yourself or other it didn't work out. Pride and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee, and never a good decision to do thing for the sake of pride or sinking more good money after bad. There's really nothing to keep you there other than the (small) hope she'll change her mind, but frankly she treating you with little respect and is happy partying her life away now chasing new men, so there's nothing in that for you but heartache if you stick around.

[Catchy06]

Thank you so much for your responses. She got home from work yesterday, came in and asked me if i wanted to go out for drinks and meet her people from work. Then she got a text from some Alex kid saying he was going there for drinks and she immediately said "wait, i dont think im supposed to invite anyone outside of work" .... she came home at about 11 pm and he was still texting her. I've decided to move out. I have enough cash to get my own place and i found a sick roommate finder website and I might have a couple new roommates my age!

 

Last night I slept on the couch and I could hear her texting and sighing and rolling around the whole night. I think she's thinking about what shes done to me because I've already became less talkative with her, when she asks where I went today or what I'm doing tonight I just say "stuff" and " going out". (I feel like those are okay responses because i dont care that im being kind of a jerk, shes abandoned me on our adventure together).

 

Today my parents skyped me on Easter to see how I was and stuff and she wanted to say hi... I let her say hi, then she left to go to work. I need to figure out a way to sleep at night. It's getting really hard.

 

I wanted to send a text to her - but ill send it here to make me feel better:

"****, You've changed, and you know it. There was no compassion or sympathy when I said I had no friends and you've been excluding me from your life the past couple weeks. Guys at work burn you CDs and text you through the night and you refuse to introduce me to them. I think you can understand where I'm coming from and if not I'm sorry but I'm moving out. I'm going to start this new life adventure on my own with new people as a stronger more open minded individual. I know you'll be fine, you're a great girl, but my trust isn't there enough to remain friends and live together while you're out, not coming home, and sending texts to guys from work."

[catfeeder]

You're smart for posting that here instead of sending it or saying it to her. Look, she knows exactly what she's done, and she's past the point of allowing your complaints to make her feel guilty. Complaining more won't change that.

 

I'd grab my best dignity and move out with no communication beyond civility in whatever I need to negotiate.

 

Head high.

[Catchy06]

Thanks for your reply,

 

I just need to get out of the apartment. She just got home from work, she's been trying to be extremely nice to me... not sure why. She's sleeping on the couch. She knows she is in the wrong I think. We didn't text at all after she left for work and when she got home. She just asked me how my night was and what I did. Trying not to be a jerk so I responded politely and went upstairs to bed and put a movie on.

 

Hope I'm making the right moves.

[Catchy06]

So I talked to her yesterday about moving out. She broke down into sobbing tears and said she's terrified of losing me, scared she can't make it alone, and scared that she can't afford our 1000$/mo apartment. After she got done crying she ate breakfast and got in the shower. After the shower she was walking around the apartment naked and then made the comment that we should have sex a couple more times before I move out. I said yes but when it came time to start kissing to get ready I said no its not a good idea. The rest of the day was good. I had 4 job interviews and she asked me to take her to the grocery store "her car has a flat tire" we were laughing and joking the whole time and she made the comment "why are we even broken up, is this th right thing to do, will you miss me" I didn't say anything. After I dropped her off at work, I had a couple more interviews then got a txt saying she was walking home (it was pouring rain). I picked her up from work and the first thing she suggested was that we get a movie. I said ok, after I get out of th gym. When I got back from th gym she said she was apt shopping and didn't say 2 words to me. This morning same thing, wouldn't look at me or say a word. I'm still apartment shopping but I'm so afraid I'll lose her if I move out.

 

How do I go about doing this? Shes so fun to be with when were together. We laugh, she makes me smile, there was a period a couple weeks back where I was extremely needy and emotionally depressed. I think it turned her off and made her want to be independent but now that I have a bunch of job offers and am happy and hitting the gym and making moves to move out, she sees I'm independent and strong and it's bothering her and making her want to come back.

 

Thanks for reading. This is going to be my journal. I read through other threads and it's helping me make good choices. Thank you enotalone!