Where do you set limits with friends? Should I contact her? Turn her down

[1MoreChance]

I have this friend or acquaintance (not sure what she is, i though it was a new friend but now not so sure). She has a habit of sometimes coming over for tea or calling my up to go hiking, other times completelly ignoring my emails and treating me like we are not really friends (I don't feel comfortable calling her up to chat or inviting her over anymore because of a few times where I felt like she treated me selfishly and sort of made it known that we were not to be true friends in the making).

 

Other times though she has confided in me, and said "we should do this or go there together" (a lot of times as FB comments).

 

So my dilemma is that she had asked me to help her with something a month ago, help for which she would have to come to my home. From the very start I was open and welcoming about her coming over for this thing. Everytime we bumped into each other she would "remind me" how important we do this thing ("I HAVE to come over for my thing!").

 

Then she wrote to me and asked again and i suggested a few dates. She didn't reply for over 2 weeks and now today she wrote to me saying "when are you free so we can do that thing and we can chat!". And no mention of the fact that I replied to her 2 weeks ago and she never wrote back. Now I don't feel like helping her. Am I mean? Too picky? Selfish?

 

I would like to know if you think i am too picky for feeling upset with her that she took over 2 weeks to contact me again. It wasn't even a reply type of email, she completelly ignored that fact that I had answered her email from 2 weeks ago. No apologies for taking so long to get back to me, etc. Maybe I expect too much from people? Maybe I cannot trust her as a friend? or maybe she is a friend, just not good at being on schedule or available to others? I just feel like a little kid when it comes to peole who treat me this way. I don't know how to set boundaries or what to decide about what to do. I don't want to be in bad terms as I do see her at events. I don't wanna be a vengeful person i just want to know where to draw the line and why I feel so bad and what to do to protect myself.

[lavenderdove]

If you make arrangements to help someone on a particular date, and you suggest several times and she doesn't even bother to respond, at this point you owe her nothing.

 

At this point you respond by saying, 'i'm sorry, since you didn't respond to my email about setting a time, i've made other plans and am busy for a while. let's touch base later...'

 

if you're feeling generous, you can suggest a time, and if she turns you down or waffles about that particular time, tell her you're really busy for a while, so why doesn't she call you in future when she has a firm time she knows she can do it and if you're free, you'll do it.

 

The rule is since you are doing her a favor, she should be willing to come to your place when it is convenient for YOU, and not string you along. If she is too selfish to ask for a favor and not come when you ask, then you don't need her as a friend.

[Batya33]

I have been in your shoes and it is hard to know whether you're being assertive or punishing. I think you should be assertive and do what Lavenderdove suggested. Your friend sounds immature and arrogant. Ick.

[1MoreChance]

Yes thanks, I think i am not assertive enough and she knows i always ajust to her (pretty much). I guess she is the type of person who takes advantage of this.

 

I wonder how I would cope with the situation if I had higher self-esteem. I just have looked up to her a lot in the past year and it's hard for me to adjust to a new poitn of view. Also it's hard for me to understand people who behave in selfish kinds of ways because I am teh type of person to put myself in other people's shoes, reply to emails within a few days (3 or 4 max. even if it's just to drop a short line to say I got the message, hope you are well).

 

I am confused by this person because time and time again she has behaved in this sort of way, it seems she says whatever is easier to say and does what feels most convenient at the time. Yet she has explicitelly told me that she felt that our relationship had moved beyong just acquaintaces to friends. I really don't know how to handle this "friendship", I don't know how to interpret her, I really don't know how to value myself in this relationship. Honnestly right now I don't feel like contacting her and I just hope that is not wrong.

[eternalsunrise]

I would feel the same way as you. She's biting the hand that feeds her kind of thing considering the fact that you were offering your place at her request really.

 

If I were you, I would resend (forward) your email to her, and ONLY write, "Did you receive this?"

 

Nothing else. Just leave it at that. I believe that her moment to show her true colors will be her reply. For all you know, she never got that email and she'll be shocked and apologize that she seemed like such an ungrateful person. Or she might get snappy with you in which case it doesn't look like there is much of a good friendship there.

[1MoreChance]

I would feel the same way as you. She's biting the hand that feeds her kind of thing considering the fact that you were offering your place at her request really.

 

If I were you, I would resend (forward) your email to her, and ONLY write, "Did you receive this?"

 

Nothing else. Just leave it at that. I believe that her moment to show her true colors will be her reply. For all you know, she never got that email and she'll be shocked and apologize that she seemed like such an ungrateful person. Or she might get snappy with you in which case it doesn't look like there is much of a good friendship there.

 

Asking her if she got the previous email (my reply to her earlier email request to come over to my place) is an idea, however, I know she got my email because she sent hers through FB, I replied to it through FB, and then she sent today's email through FB, in the same thread of emails. So I think is I asked her "did your receive my email?" would feel more like an accusation than a question. And she has told me once during a conversation on the topic of friendship that she doesnt have female friends (except one who appears to be her beat friend) because "girls always ask: why didn't you call me". She said her ONE good girlfriend never does that.

 

So am I too intolerant? you guys don't seem to think so. I posted in other trheads and other people also didn't seem to think so... yet, I KNOW she wouldn't get snappy if i confronted her.. she is solft-spoken, serene, always smiling..... I don't know what to think... i know I shold judge her based on her behavior but i don,t want to be intolerant or unfair.

 

Question remains for me, do i reply to her (today's) email and suggest AGAIN a date or 2 when she can come over. Or do I give rher a taste of her own medicine and leave her hanginign for a couple of weeks and then get back to her saying "sorry i haven't been around", or what. I feel resentful and I WISH I HAD the guts to TELL her how I honnestly feel. But I am afraid she will disaprove (=her little theory on femakle friends).

[eternalsunrise]

Oh, I see. Then asking her if she received it doesn't work in this scenario.

 

I wouldn't reply to her email for several days. Then when you do, completely ignore her question. Just say, "hey how are ya!" and maybe talk about something about YOU that is irrelevant to her question. Essentially totally ignoring her question.

LOL - THAT would give her a taste of her own medicine. I don't think doing this is a negative thing. I think some people really do not understand how they come accross until someone treats them that way. But she may be completely fine with it since she does it too.

 

Bottom line, the offer has expired. I wouldn't even address whatever that was she wanted ever again with her.

[1MoreChance]

Oh, I see. Then asking her if she received it doesn't work in this scenario.

 

I wouldn't reply to her email for several days. Then when you do, completely ignore her question. Just say, "hey how are ya!" and maybe talk about something about YOU that is irrelevant to her question. Essentially totally ignoring her question.

LOL - THAT would give her a taste of her own medicine. I don't think doing this is a negative thing. I think some people really do not understand how they come accross until someone treats them that way. But she may be completely fine with it since she does it too.

 

Bottom line, the offer has expired. I wouldn't even address whatever that was she wanted ever again with her.

 

You know, that is pretty much how she acts and that is a good idea. Just reply without even responding to her request, just kind of avoid the topic and respond to something else in the email.

 

Or, i was thinking of responding that i am really busy with work and friends and we'll have to take a rain check (of course not offering dates... leaving it totally up in the air, for her to figure out how to handle... ).

 

Ya maybe she isn't really aware of what she is doing and how it impacts others.... but i doubt it. I think she knows... the way she behaves is actually a little odd....

 

thanks so much for you help and suggestions and everyone else too.

[lavenderdove]

I try to not play games with friends, as in, you took 2 weeks to respond to me, so i'll take 2 weeks not to respond to you. that's really not to your benefit because that is more about scorekeeping and scratching your mad spot than it is about taking care of business or relating to a friend. Yes, what she did is impolite and annoying, but your goal is to have good friendships and take care of business.

 

So you need to solve the problem with the least drama. If she is unreliable and won't commit to a time, this is a simple problem, just tell her to tell you a time and place and if that's not good for you suggest another time and place. and if she doesn't suggest a time and place, just forget about it and don't ask her about it again.

 

So make it about planning and not gameplaying. If she is unreliable and doesn't show up, if she asks again, just be honest and say, look, you didn't show up last time so i'm not waiting around for you again, i have other things i could be doing, so find someone else to do it. she needs to learn that you expect reliability out of her, and if she doesn't give it, you just don't play.

[anya1607307555]

It seems you are going from one extreme to another, and allowing her behaviour to dictate your emotions. You are taking it as a personal slight; it's not about you, her behaviour is her problem. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions.

 

People can be incompatible as friends, I feel you are trying so hard to be friends with a person so unlike yourself it is causing you to doubt your own personality/abilities. That is not friendship. Your problem is to ask yourself, why you need her approval so much.

 

I think lavenderdove gave you a perfect line to give her 'i'm sorry, since you didn't respond to my email about setting a time, i've made other plans and am busy for a while. let's touch base later...'. Sending a message like this doesn't mean you cannot be friendly and continue to FB message with her, it is simply asserting that you have a life outside of her friendship, and value your time. Once she realises you are not her personal assistant, either she will buck up and show you more respect, or will disappear completely. And then at least you will know if she is a person you want to be friends with.

[1MoreChance]

LL,

 

I agree with you. I replied to her this morning, 2 days after she wrote to me asking when I was free this week-end. My typical reply time is that, 1 to 3 days max. (4 days is really stretching it). I didn't wanna play the "she took 2 weeks I'll take 2 weeks" game. Besides, it would have seemed odd because it is not like me.

 

What i did is told her I was very busy with friends and family and that i had been more available up to last week but that now work was picking up (all true actually). and to let me know when she was available after the week-end and if i was availale i would be glad to help.

 

I'm actuallty proud of myself, I am not trying to hurt or disrespect her or be vengeful. I am learning to set boundaries and this week-end just doesn't feel right with me (and i don't feel like accomodating her with her work needs.. basically don't feel like helping her but like resting and taking care of myself.). She is typically always 1 to 2 hours late and I also do not dfeel like dealing with that. I am trying to value myself here.. somehow it didn't feel right to me a lot of times in the past... always seemed to be on her own time and not much about my needs and schedule.

 

Not saying she isn't a good person, she has many qualities, but time will tell about a potential friendship. It just has to be a 2 way thing for me otherwise I'm done and we'll just have to be civil and keep it professional but i will not express the same desire for frienship as I had done so far.

[eternalsunrise]

Lavender - it's not game playing. They're healthy boundaries. Hence offer is expired, move on. Keep tight to your boundary - teaching others how to treat you is a very healthy skill.

[eternalsunrise]

I'm glad you've tried something to see if it will make YOU happier. I hope she responds this time in a way that you feel is appropriate for the friendship you offer. If not, then I would definitely consider new ways of making boundaries for yourself.

 

Let us know what happens! I really hope she replies this time! She should! You are very kind in the way you want to help her out.

[1MoreChance]

I'm glad you've tried something to see if it will make YOU happier. I hope she responds this time in a way that you feel is appropriate for the friendship you offer. If not, then I would definitely consider new ways of making boundaries for yourself.

 

Let us know what happens! I really hope she replies this time! She should! You are very kind in the way you want to help her out.

 

Strange... she replied within a day... which is unusual for her. she is always so busy and "out of reach" (elusive. never answers her phone either, whenever I had called her in the past, which wasn't many times but ebnough to see the pattern).

 

anyway stright away she suggested that I proposed some times next week. here we go again lol.

[salsipuedes]

So sorry to hear this is happening to you.

 

Me too I've been in your shoes many times and at the end I figured that most of these people ONLY CALLED ME WHEN THEY NEEDED SOMETHING!!! At the same time, out of self-respect, I figured that I don't need to be anybody's doormat to keep their "friendship"!!!

 

You have been a very nice and reasonable person, totally polite and thoughtful... her behavior is her fault, not yours...and you cannot change it! So please teach her how to treat you.

 

If you still care at all about this relationship, you can tell her that you cannot help her with her thing and to find someone else. If she doesn't talk to you after this, it means that she only wanted to use you, so her friendship was not worth keeping anyway. That is if you want to have REAL friends.

 

Take care!