Friend of friend having some issues

[Galaxo]

Lets call her M.

 

I have talked to her a few times. I knew she was having some issues from my friend. Not how bad, or what they were. The other night M was talking to me a little. She did not go into details etc... However, I know she has no family here, and she is about to be homeless and a few other issues.

 

The problem is she lied to me. About what does not matter, not even upset about what the lie was, just the fact she had lied. I have friends I could had called and got M a place to stay for free until she was able to improve her situation. I would be asked one question, can she be trusted? Which I am not comfortable answering yes at this point. Saying I did not know would had not been very good, but leaning towards no I cannot even talk to them. She could stay with me, I have plenty of room but I am a guy she hardly knows, and figured if I was going to help her she would prefer to stay with a female (In nicer houses and nicer part of town than I am in as well.) instead.

 

My friend is upset with her now but I told my friend don't worry about it since I was not mad or upset, but since she lied I am not sure how trust worthy she is. While he stated she had never did wrong by him, he says he is no longer sure as he specifically told her to just be honest with me.

 

I hardly know her, so I could just be done. I was prepared to do just that, until my friend told me she had started to get desperate recently as she has no place to go (She had said she was having problems in this area, but did not mention how serious it was getting. IE it is days away), no family or close friends here etc.

 

She had said she thought about going back to where she grew up and had family when we talked but she wanted to stay in town since she wanted to be here and would not be in much better shape if she went back.

 

I do not judge people, everyone has their strengths/weaknesses, issues/problems and whatnot. Now I am not sure if I should help her or not. I have let homeless people into my home before and helped them out. Once they are no longer under the pressure of worrying about having a place to live, knowing they will have something to eat, and get them out of the bad environment (usually staying in a high poverty, high crime area, very unstable living conditions) they have become used to, the great majority do actually help and improve themselves at a rapid pace.

 

I am not well off, and with the lie I cannot expose some of the people I know that could had done so much more to help her than I can. One owns a business and could had given her a temporary job. That is not longer an option, while she would had been bonded and any possible theft covered, at this point it is not at an acceptable level of risk for me to pass onto someone else. One of the reasons she is in the spot she is in, she needs to take a test in this state and pay to get her license. Some of the people I was planning on asking could had easily arranged and paid for her to take the test and got her a job in a hospital where they work, which I cannot do myself.

 

Options.

 

Just let M figure it out herself. She compounded the issue when she lied and now I cannot fully use all the resources she would have had otherwise. She did not know why I was talking to her, nor that I was considering helping her. I have found it to be better to let the person be themselves without knowing, as they cannot then change/adjust the way they are when talking to me. I already knew pretty much everything anyway, not the reasons etc. but what type of problems.

 

Give M the information to get help and resources from others (Churches/charity, City, Homeless shelters etc.). I have checked some of these places out, and around here many make it worse. Sad, but some of the places that are supposed to help take advantage and make the situation worse instead. I could direct M to the better places, but there is little support (that is good help with no sort of catch attached to it) for someone with no job, no car, and no place to live. Even the homeless shelters here charge $10-$15 a night now.

 

Have a friend that is able to get a plane ticket for M for free back to where she grew up. Not sure if M would actually go, so would have to confirm M wanted and would use the ticket. While the ticket would be free, it would be a waste of time and effort on my friends part if it was not used, as well as a empty seat on the plane that could had been sold instead.

 

Get her tests and licenses taken care of (I would have to borrow it to do this myself), and she is on her own for a few months. So no immediate help but it would take care of the long term issue. No idea why this was not priority #1 when she got to this state years ago.

 

Just offer M the option of coming to my house to eat if she is hungry.

 

Have my friend sit her down and have a serious talk with M and make it clear dishonesty is not acceptable for any reason (Don't want to answer a question, that is fine... tell me its none of my freaking business for all I care, but do not lie.). Take the risk and offer to let her stay here if she wanted. I have been burned a couple of times before, but in this case I would feel like a moron if it happened since I already know she will at least lie.

 

Thoughts/ideas of what to do? While our mutual friend originally brought her up and the issues she is having, he does not expect nor has he asked me to intervene. I do know he is deeply worried about her situation, although he is not able to help, and does not know other people that could help him help her (besides me). This is the first time I have been on the fence and have done this off and on for almost 20 years, all the other times was a easy decision one way or the other.

[RedDress]

I've been in a similar position before. I also agree that it's always best to let people reveal themselves before revealing what you can do for them... otherwise it just encourages them to lie and try to manipulate you.

 

Personally, I don't think that you should try to be her saviour. She does not have family and friends in the area... but you said that she DOES have family and friends. These are the people that should be helping her out. And if they WON'T help her out (by sending her money and/or a plane ticket) - you have to wonder why. It's likely because she is high risk and has a history of this kind of thing...

 

People are funny. Often, they need to hit rock-bottom before they are willing to help themselves. And you can only really help someone who is willing to help themselves. It sounds like her 'rock bottom' is going back to her home state.

 

She HAS a place to go... she can go to her home state. It's not where she wants to be but she should have considered that before she got herself into her predicament.

 

At minimum, I'd wait it out and see what she does. Get her email address (you can email from just about any library). If she moves back to her home state, at that point, you can offer a place if she wants to come back. Or offer to store some stuff for her until she gets back on her feet. That would be helpful...

 

As it is, you would be putting yourself in a vulnerable state (spending money/resources on someone you don't know) and she has not proven trustworthy. That makes her a poor risk. Therefore, only provide what you are willing to 'lose' (such as storage space).

 

That's my take on it.

[Galaxo]

Thank you for your response.

 

We talked for about 10 minutes this evening. She will be going back to her home state and family next week.