I promise to give you candy if you give me some advice :)

[HeartBrokn]

Hey everyone!

 

I’ve been a member for a couple years now and although I leave after resolving my issues I tend to come back whenever I hit a dead end and need some advice.

 

So anyways I would appreciate some advice, also let me know what you think?

 

I met a great girl in Vegas while on one of my crazy weekends I have once per month. Anyways long story short we met back in December she is a student at a University in the Bay area and I am stationed in South California. We have chatted every day since then and we have become great friends. We also had sex few times we were together. She sent me off to my deployment back in January and we've been texting via Skype and talking on a daily basis.

 

I've started having feelings for her and I think I love her. I think she also has feelings for me because she tells me that she misses me all the time, send kisses IE and tells me that because of the thing we are having she has stopped thinking about other people. Same way as I have. I have also received care packages and cards from her telling me she misses me. She and I both tell each other that we cannot wait to see each other.

 

We had a brief heart to heart about explaining what we have and we both said that this is good for now because of the fact I am deployed and she is finishing up school and has a lot of stress and such and to keep it the way it is (relationship). I am coming back home late May and she told me she wants to see me no matter what. She also has a guy friend coming over from her home state and she tells me he is just a friend. I believe her but what kind of upset me was when I asked her if I can come out Wednesday and stay until Sunday she immediately suggested that I come out Friday night and leave Sunday without giving me much of reason.

 

When she told me that I felt a little hurt because if I cared for someone I would want them to be around and take every opportunity to spend time with them.

 

What I want to know is

 

Are my expectations reasonable?

 

Should I feel hurt due to my reasoning?

 

Is the possibility of her needing to entertain me while she has to work full time possibly making her reaction seem like she doesn’t want me around?

 

Or is she just trying to deconflict me with her friend she is having come over, even though she claims that she wouldn't mind if I come out the same time as him. And that she would go out and do stuff with me.

 

Now the tricky part for me is to not handle this like I have in past and that is to let this get to my pride and start acting like an emotional child. Immediately after she told me to come out Friday I wanted to make her jealous. I have another friend in the bay area who wants to see me and she wants to have a great time. But I stopped, thought about it for a couple days and tried to figure out the best way to deal with this and to not start this hopeful relationship on a bad note and destroy it before it begins.

 

Thanks a lot for your time and advice!

[Snny]

I don't know your girlfriend... but this one thing screams a red flag.

 

I believe her but what kind of upset me was when I asked her if I can come out Wednesday and stay until Sunday she immediately suggested that I come out Friday night and leave Sunday without giving me much of reason.

 

Ok, she made prior commitments to bring a friend over before she knew about you returning home. She promises to see you no matter what then backs out. There could be several reasons why she is backing out such as she has no crash space since her guy friend is using it. Either way, it's the honest thing for her to explain why she can't see you during that time because she has broken a promise. I think the fact she mentions about bringing a friend over who happens to be the opposite sex can lead to a LOT of misconstrued interpretations, especially when she doesn't give you a reason.

 

I think you deserve a reason why she can't see you. Otherwise she's definitely hiding something.

[Cadence44]

So your main questions are whether you should be suspicious about the male friend visiting and whether she should want you around while her friend is visiting if she truly cared about you?

 

I think that you need to keep in mind that - although it sounds promising - you don't truly know her. You met her on a vacation (a fantasy, an escape from the real world) and you've since both projected your idealism onto one another.

 

None of us can say whether her only wanting you to come out Friday through Sunday is suspicious. Maybe she is just realistic and doesn't want you to feel bored while she is working. And as I understand your post, it sounds like her male friend will be there at the same time. Why would you want to visit her at the same time he is there? Are you checking up on her? Even if you aren't, she might feel like you are. Personally, I don't think it's fair to expect that she would go off alone with you and leave her friend to entertain himself. Is there a reason that you can't visit her at another time when she won't feel pulled in multiple directions?

 

You have questions about her that no one can answer, including yourself. I would say to keep yourself grounded in reality. From everything you know, this woman seems great but you've got to remind yourself that that there is a lot about her that you don't know. This doesn't mean that she is a shady person, but that you should try to stay in reality and not fall back on your idealized fantasy version of her. No one can truly live up to something like that.

 

You are taking a chance on someone, and only you will know if you think she is worth it. From all that you've posted it sounds like you do think she is worth it, so give it a shot. If you hold back or build up resentments out of fear of getting hurt, you may sabotage it. If you're all in, you've got to be brave enough to trust her unless she gives you a reason not to.

 

I don't think I answered any of your questions but I hope that helped.

 

P.S. I prefer Swedish Fish.

[HeartBrokn]

Snny,

 

Thanks a lot for the candid response. I thought so too and I asked a friend today what he thought. He told me before I jump to conclusions to ask her directly why she doesn't want me to come out early? I thought it made sense since it could be countless reasons. I actually just got off the phone(skype) with her and she was excited to hear my voice, and after we chatted about a few random things, she brought up the visit and asked me if I thought about coming out. I said yes, but I told her I was thrown back a little bit by her response and was wondering why she wanted for me to come out later.

she said..."I haven't seen you in 4 months and I wanted to make our time special. She said her parents would stop paying for her rent since she graduated and her working 8-10 hours during the week would not give her enough time to spend quality time with me" She seemed very anxious when telling me this. I honestly think now that she didn't want to disappoint me. So I will give her the benefit of doubt and trust what she said. Again thanks a lot for the response!!! Didn't say what candy you wanted?

 

Cadence,

 

Haha Swedish Fish coming your way You are awesome and your words were great. You are right I don't know her but I feel like all this time we spent talking and actually seeing each other on skype gave us an opportunity to really get to know each other pretty well. I know it's not the same as face to face time. She did mention the male friend but never told me the dates he was coming out I just assumed it was around the same dates since she said it was near end of May. She told me that he wanted to visit California and she gave him an option to crash at her place and assured me he was just a friend. So I guess I will just have to take that for face value. As I mentioned in Snny response after I asked her why only two days she gave me a good reason.

 

Even with all this I could still be projecting and hoping she is kind, honest and trustworthy. I think she is but it's still too early to really know. I just have to take a chance I guess. I think that she is going through a lot of pressure right now in her life, graduating, finals, a big change from student to going into the real world and then on top of that dealing with my ass, so I assured her tonight that she shouldn’t worry about me, that I appreciate that she is thinking about me and cares what I think. I also told her that I would find stuff to do while she was at work and to expect a massage from me when she comes home. She sounded completely relieved when I told her that.

 

It’s weird how a little patience and sound mind can resolve many conflicts. I guess I am hopeful now that with my advanced age I have learned something from my past and fixed it. Thanks again guys, candy coming your way!!!

[trezeralietas]

It sounds like you two have a strong foundation considering the conditions under which you met. As the wife of a guy who was in the Navy and went through multiple deployments, allow me to warn you not to move too quickly. The separations really prolong the romance and honeymoon period and can get in the way of really getting to know the other person.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, though. Glad you stepped back and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Don't doubt her honesty or commitment until she gives you reason to. Otherwise you will only shoot yourself in the foot. Good luck!

[HeartBrokn]

Trezeralietas,

 

Yeah for sure, I honestly didn't think it was going this way until maybe 2-3 months into our friendship. Not that we didn't feel attracted towards each other or that we didn't have the pieces to head towards a relationship but it just happened. What I like a lot about her was that she was very level headed throughout and was not clingy and she also like that about me. So we gradually got to the position we are in currently, which is great. I am looking forward to coming home next month and spend some time with her and maybe dwell into discussion and see where we stand. Thanks for reply!