1 Year Anniversary - How to get through a breakup

[jimbojones100]

Hey guys,

 

About a year ago, I stumbled up on this website after breaking up with my GF of just over 3 years. I was devastated, and tried to make sense of the reasons we broke up, how to get her back, etc. The posters here are wonderful people and as all of you have found out can be a huge source of comfort when we need it the most.

 

After a few weeks, I drifted away from this place, but I vowed to come back a year later to share my experience. Here are my honest, random thoughts in point form. My hope is that some of you will read this and take something from it. Thanks to all of you who helped me out a year ago!

 

- no way to sugar-coat it, breaking up sucks. The one I alluded to above was my first, and no doubt it hurts. Everyone here will tell you time heals all wounds - and this is 100% true.

 

- I think it was about 3 weeks post-breakup before I was able to start to function properly again. It takes time. Don't push it, and it will come.

 

- 2 months post-breakup, I finally had my epiphany that I needed to move on. My biggest regret was spending the first 2 months thinking we would get back together. I think it's only natural to hope for that, but if you can, set those thoughts aside and give yourself time to heal before thinking about any sort of reconciliation.

 

- One of my favorite musicians, Sam Roberts, has a line in a song that says "stay true to your friends, cause they'll save you in the end". He's right. Don't sit in your room feeling sorry for yourself. Go out with your friends and go to the movies, or the bar, or the mall or anything. Don't be by yourself. Use your family as a similar resource.

 

- Watch comedies. Go watch Modern Family or Community or something. It will get your mind off your ex, and you might even crack a smile. That's a big deal post-breakup!

 

- EVERYONE goes through this. Your parents did, your friends have, and same goes for your future soulmate. You feel like crap now, but it will fade. So don't feel like you're alone, because you're not.

 

- use music to your advantage. There are inevitably songs that remind you of your ex. Delete those for now. You can put them back on your iPod later. Listen to those songs that you can relate to in your current state. Quite frankly, they aren't hard to find! Go for a walk by yourself with your music and just gather your thoughts.

 

- There is no rule that says you need to have contact or remain friends with your ex. I don't care how tight-knit your mutual circle of friends is. My ex and I had a ton of mutual friends. Things will work themselves out. You may lose contact with a couple friends, but that's just the nature of life. Your true friends will stick with you.

 

- In the same vein, you don't need to try to remain friends with the friends of your ex. Let them go. They're going to be looking out for your ex before you, and you don't need to put up with that.

 

- Don't make your friends choose sides. Don't be like that. If your friend wants to stay in touch with both of you, let them. Again, over time, it will work itself out and they'll likely drift away from one of you and closer to the other. Let the chips fall where they may.

 

- If you must gather up all the love letters, pictures and gifts your ex gave you during your relationship and throw them away, then so be it. I put mine in a shoebox and have it under my old bed at my parent's house. I don't ever look in it, but I figure I might want to look back on those memories years or decades from now. When I'm old and grey, I think that box might be fun to look through again.

 

- Go buy yourself something nice. You deserve it.

 

- Posters here preach the importance of no contact, and it's so true. I know you're used to talking to them constantly throughout the day, but you need to avoid it. Avoid them at all costs.

 

- Watch (500) Days of Summer.

 

- Watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

 

- Some may disagree with this point, and I'll respect that, but a genuine hate for my ex is what got me over the hump and pushed me to move on. I won't go into details of what happened, but I went from wanting to get back together to never wanting to see her again. It helped immensely.

 

- Booze doesn't taste as good post-breakup, so don't even bother trying to get hammered and numb the pain.

 

- You don't need to jump into another relationship to prove something to yourself or your ex or anyone else. Take as much time as you can to mentally heal before even considering another relationship.

 

- I'm only now at a place where I feel comfortable getting into another relationship. This is nearly 1 year post-breakup. Everyone is different, but take as much time as you need. You'll slowly remember the perks of being single: not answering to anyone. Being able to check out girls who walk by without getting grief, doing what you want, when you want, etc.

 

- Every day, the pain will become less and less. It's going to take time, but you'll eventually bounce back stronger than ever.

 

So yeah, hope some of that helps a few people out.

 

You'll all find your own song or two that gets you through the breakup. One of mine is a song by Lights called Face Up, here are my favorite lines.

 

Don't wanna move an inch

let alone a million miles

and I don't wanna go

but I know I gotta go

 

I just want to feel alive

 

The times you don't wanna wake up

Cause when you sleep

it's never over when you give up

 

The sun is always gonna rise up

you need to get up

gotta keep your head up

 

Look at the people all around you

the way you feel

is something everybody goes through

 

Dark out

but you still gotta lie up

you need to wake up

gotta keep your face up

[Hollyj]

You did great!!! Especially like the bit about not jumping into another relationship and healing.

 

Good luck!!!

[jungledrums]

Great recovery story.

 

 

So has there been any contact from her to you?

[jimbojones100]

Great recovery story.

 

 

So has there been any contact from her to you?

 

 

Saw her a couple months ago at a bar. We chatted for maybe 10 minutes. It went well, and there was no awkwardness. Other than that, there has not been any contact. I think that's something both her and I have made an effort to enforce. That's why I'm a big proponent of NC. I wouldn't be "healed" now if we texted each other every week or something like that.

[woodc5]

Great Advice. The one year mark was a big event for me. I had dreaded that the date for months and thought about it pretty often. "How am I going to handle it?" The day came and I was fine. Honestly, it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There's no more countdown, no more anticipation, nothing like that. Like you, it took me about a year to feel good about things again. Thanks for the post.

[bobbydigital83]

In about July, it will be 1 year for me. Someday I am struggling with grief and other days its like I don't even care. My lack of getting over my ex solely because I never dated anyone else but her (it was for 7.5 years) so I constantly worry if I will ever find someone else or if she was the best I could ever be with. I am a socialite BUT I get that "high school" type nervousness when I try to make a conversation with someone I am attracted to. Once, my voice cracked badly while I was talking and I became so embarrassed.

 

I go to the gym, meet new people, new clothes but my confidence is literly destroyed by the actions my ex did plus the horrible things she said to me. Would you have any advice for your experience that can help me? I must add that even though its beyond a half year since our breakup, I still have bad dreams of her (horrible things she did) 5 out of 7 nights. Any advice there? I know im asking much BUT what you describe on how hard it was for you makes me feel that you might have felt what I feel now. Thanks.

 

p.s. I just q'd 500 days of summer on netflix. Thanks for the reccomendation.

[e27tran]

500 days of summer was the first movie me and my ex watched together, sigh my favorite movie. i was a bit nervous just to sit next to her on my bed

[lovesick134]

Thanks for the suggestions! Glad to hear you are doing better....April 13th will make it one year for me and my ex.

[sunday2010]

Great thread.. I agree with most of this that you've written I'm coming up to one year anniversary next month on may 11... although I'm a in a new relationship I did alot of what you said on your thread and it worked..I hate waiting for that day to come but I have moved on considerably now... so maybe that day i can celebrate...

[twitchyfingers]

Terrific post. It's so helpful to have an "old timer" come back and share their experience and wisdom with the rest of us.

 

Your advice about how to handle the various friendships (mutual friends, friends of the ex) is really balanced and thoughtful. Good stuff. Thanks for posting!

[thewendy]

Great post, thanks for the advice I can't wait to get to the one-year mark. I could've been near that now, if only my ex hadn't strung me along for months.

[jimbojones100]

I'm still kind of like you. Ran into this girl a week and a half ago at a party, and really think she's a cool girl. We talk now and then, but I'm still nervous. I don't think I can attribute that to the original breakup - I think it's more just the way I am lol.

 

You and your ex were together for a long time, so it's going to take some time. I still have the odd dream where she pops in for some reason. I think the less you think of her during the day, the less you'll dream about her at night. It'll pass man, don't worry. You're doing all the right things, you're being social, you're staying healthy by working out and taking care of yourself. That's all that it takes.

 

Seriously, I think you're going to love (500) Days of Summer. Please come back and let me know what you thought of it!

 

Appreciate all the kind words. My big goal with my original post was to tell everyone that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Give it time and you'll be coming back to these forums months from now giving new people advice.