I need help I am very confused

[LEOML87]

I am 32 and i am divorced me and my ex recently got back together like a yr and 1/2 ago we where together for almost 15 yrs married for 7 I have two kids.....so let see we just moved into a house with her parents and brother like in June of 04 I gave her a lot of money that i was saving so se can put in her bank....now everything was going good no problems then she started talking to a guy on the cell phone who I didn't know.....so i got mad and asked her about it she said he was just a friend...i said ok whatever.....then one day i went to lunch by where she works and i saw her going with some guy so i went inside like a 1/2 hr later ordered food and sat down i looked over and saw her and said hi... She said hi then i went over and intrused myself to the guy ......so then when i got home from work i asked her who he was and she said her friend so i was like ok he wasn't her type anyway so i wasn't really that mad but it was just the fact that she would talk to him and not me....so that's why i was mad...now mind u I haven't and don't plan on cheating on her since i have been back i treat her perfect and I do everything for her......so I don't know y she has to do what she does....ok so then my daughters birthday party came and she said he got her a gift so i said ok get it from him and this point i knew he liked her more then a friend.... So she said i want to invite him over and i was like y and she said cause he my friend so i was like whatever...so he came over everything was ok for awhile so it was getting late and i think he had over stayed his welcome and said it was time to go .....we got into an argument and we exchange words then he pushed me and threw me against the wall in her house or our house whatever so then he left ...she was mad at me cayuse she thinks i started but I didn't....so then she said she wanted me to leave she needed space so i left for a week but i was there everyday for dinner just didn't sleep there.....then when i came back a week later everything was fine we didn't fight or argue she stopped talking to him cause she knew he liked her and we were doing good we went to see a therapist and told her what was going and my ex said to her that if act normal and don't be annoying or leachy that everything would be good.....so i said ok i will not bother u i give u space and ill do whatever to make u happy so know come this week she tells me she isn't attracted to me but she likes doing things with me and she sees me more as a friend so i say what about everything u said and she said that she is confused and just needs lots of space so i really don't know what to do i love her so much she is the world to me and I don't want to lose her so please help save this relationship......

[Beec]

Well your first move is to back off. You seem to have been pretty clingy and needy, and clearly acted jealously, which are very anti-seductive and unproductive behaviors.

 

You need to act aloof and independent and developing some actual independence would be very good.

 

Then you need to figure out what else is going wrong in the relationship. Because youa re describing symptoms not the causes. What is she getting or not getting? What are you demanding or taking? What are you giving her?

[LEOML87]

well i give her whatever she wants and i treat her good i dont know what else she wants

[Beec]

Well you might have just told me one of your mistakes. Are you a pushover. Women don't want everything they ask for all the time. Sometimes they want the man to be a MAN. If all you do is cater to her whims and think that's what you should do, you are very well making a mistake. She probably takes all that stuff for granted, as her right, for which you get little credit.

 

I have a friend who was very much that way. He worked the graveyard shift, went to school at nights to get a grad degree and stayed awaake part sof the day to see and take care of his kids. He was always dead tired. Then, he would wake up on the weekends, SO HIS WIFE COULD SLEEP IN. I thought he was nuts and being too nice. What did it get him? Nothing. A lousy relationship with no sex.

 

Another friend, hems and haws about taking out the garbage or the dog, and then is nice a day or so a week, and he has a great relationship. He shows his wife he does love her a few times a month. What he does is for her is not taken for granted.

 

Give her some room and think about everything.

[LEOML87]

ok well i am willing to try anything to make it work i am iving her space not questioning her and i will try not to be leechy but she is so beutiful that will be hard and we havent had sex in like 3months but we have fooled around

[Beec]

Give her room, and don't be syrupy sweet all the time. Do a little less for now.

 

You need to change your MO, and that may require you getting space to do it. I think you need to seduce your wife, but a drastic change will surpirse her and the first rule of any seduction is to apporach it indirectly. If they think you are coming to seduce them, you will never succeed.

[LEOML87]

so what do u suggest i do

[Beec]

I sent you a pm. Step back is the first thing. Then begin to learn and understand what your wife really wants, not just what she asks for. Evaluate her and why she first choose you. See what you can do to make her feel special, then withdraw from her.

 

Concepts are easy to tell you, but you need to look at the two of you for definite moves.

[LEOML87]

well last night everything was cfine i gave her space but the only problem i have now is that she stared talking to that guy again so i dont know what to do i dont think she likes him he is kinda fat and not to good looking but the fact is what he did to me and to the house when we got in a fight i dont think she should be talkin to him but she said she works with him so i said ok just say hi and bye u dont need to talk to him on the phone she said he is her friend im confused.....

[Beec]

Well, trying to force her not to talk to him is a mistake. You should act like you don't care about him, instead of acting insecure and jealous. Of course, you should also put some onus on her to make you feel secure, but I doubt now is the right moment.

[LEOML87]

yeah ok i understand and thats what i will do but i pretty aggravated that she would talk to him after the was he acted at our house and after the fight we had i really wouldnt care if it was hi and bye at work but i the phone is different

[Beec]

Look, your wife is drifting away from you. For some reason she does not have the same feelings she did. If you want her, you need to pay attention to HER feelings and think about how to act like the MAN she really wants. This stuff about her having phone calls is you showing your insecurity and jealousy. It's about your feelings. Keep thinking about how you feel, and you will lose her for good.

[LEOML87]

well ok thats what ill do ill ignore it and like it dont bother me and maybe she will come to me

[Beec]

You may need to do more than that.

 

Why has your relationship gotten into this situation? What do you do or not do that makes her feel special? This is not about giving her everything, because that may not be it. You need to look for her reactions. You need to watch her closely and pay attention to her body language. You yourself need to send her some mixed messages about your feelings. You basically need to seduce your wife. Perhaps you should do some research into what that may involve.

[LEOML87]

WELL I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL I TAKE CARE OF HER HELP HER CLEAN TAKE HER OUT SAY NICE THINGS TO HER SHOW HER AFFECTION I MEAN I TREAT HER LIKE A PRINESS

[RayKay]

WELL I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL I TAKE CARE OF HER HELP HER CLEAN TAKE HER OUT SAY NICE THINGS TO HER SHOW HER AFFECTION I MEAN I TREAT HER LIKE A PRINESS

 

But what Beec is saying is that you should maybe not treat her like a princess ALL the time - show some independence/aloofness as well - it makes you more mysterious, gives that feeling of not being so available to the other person and makes you more alluring. Of course, treat her well, and don't be cruel...lol. But be more mixed in your interactions with her.

[Beec]

WELL I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL I TAKE CARE OF HER HELP HER CLEAN TAKE HER OUT SAY NICE THINGS TO HER SHOW HER AFFECTION I MEAN I TREAT HER LIKE A PRINESS

 

I refer you back to my prior post as to what may be wrong with this approach.

 

Perhaps you need to change your thinking and treat your wife like a woman instead of a princess.

[LEOML87]

i thank u both for the advice i will try whatever it takes.....like today its going on noon and i havent talked to her all day so i am trying to give her space like she wants

[Beec]

LEOML87,

 

I think you need to understand why we fall for those we fall for, and the other thing to know is that when these things stop, we may fall out of love.

 

We fall for those who meet our emotional needs, make us feel special. They cannot do it all the time or it will be come normal and we will take it for granted. Note this means emotional needs, not kiss their backside. Most people don't want someone to worship them, they want a partner. And woman want a MAN, not a Mannish Boy (couldn't resist the reference to a Muddy Waters tune). Treating her like a princess all the time may make you seem like wuss. Most men want a WOMAN, not a whiny little girl or a woman who demands princess treatment. These means they both need to be secure, confident, loving without smothering, etc.

 

The emotional fulfillment must be turned on and off. Treating someone as a princess all the time is a BAD MOVE. However, people will allow you to treat them this way, even if sexually they would prefer you to do otherwise. A dog or a child will try to get away with everything it can, and if it does, it just ends up being spoiled and unaffectionate to the one who spoiled it. It fails to appreciate the things given to or done for it. Dogs and children want some one who sets boundaries, rules, etc. In most, not all, traditional families, this is the father's (THE MAN's) job.

 

One also must try to remain aloof, independent, not clingy or needy. Love is a bargain. It's a deal. We want to get a good deal. When one is clingy or needy, they are too expensive to be worth a good deal.

 

You also need to realize that you now appear to your wife to be desparate so that you will don anything. She should not see this. She should not think you will accept anything. She should always wonder a bit about what you think. You have left nothing to wonder.

 

There's a lot more. The media and our society have fooled you into thinking the way you do. It's a sham, for most of us. Treating her like a princess is not the right way. She wants to act like a woman, and she wants you to be a MAN. The traditional stereotypes are there for a reason. Women and men are different and want to be treated like women and men and have their partner act like a man or woman. You need to learn how to treat your wife.

[LEOML87]

ok u have bought up good issues and i will try my best i will keep you posted

[LEOML87]

ok u have bought up good issues and i will try my best i will keep you posted

[LEOML87]

so everything was kinda okay last night i really didnt see he r all day cause she was out with the kids and when she came home like at 830 i was doing stuff round the house then i went to bed before her and when i woke up everything seemed okay i dont know what else to do i like being with er as much as i can and like ths morning i woke up and i gave her a kiss and hug good bye and she was like okay ill talk to u later so i dont know whats wrong with her its like she kinda dont care....

[Beec]

You have smothered her, she does not want to be smothered.

 

A little kiss and hug is fine to gauge her reactions. Don't push it.

 

However, sexually, you should probably not be thinking of affection but aggression when the opportunity arises. She's been a princess, but wants to be a woman. Don't force her, but when you get a chance, when there is an opening, take her.

[LEOML87]

SO HERE WE ARE ON MONDAY AUG 9 ALL IS WELL NICE DAY ......AND MY LIFE SUCKS I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE I DONT KNOW WHAT SHEWANT SHE WENT OUT FRI WITH HER FRIEND FROM 1030 TILL 4AM CAME HOME WENT TO BED NO KISS NO HI NOTHING IT NOT LIKE I WAITING UP BUT I GET WOORIED WHEN SHE GOES OUT THERE R A LOT OF CRAZYS OUT THERE....ANY WAY THEN SAT COMES MY BDAY SHE WAKES UP NO KISS GOODMORNIG NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOTHING SO I STAY IN BED CAUSE IM TIRED SHE COMES HOME LIKE AT 1130 NO IM UP DOING STUFF AROUND THE HOUSE...THE KIDS GIVE ME A CARD AND IT SAYS FROM EVERYONE SO I SAY THANXS THEN SHE SAYS I DIDNT GET U ANYTHING YET BUT I WILL LATER I SAID OK SO THEN I GO ABOUT MY BUSINESS AND SPEND ALL DAY WITH HER DAD FIXING THE HOUSE SHE WENT OUT A FEW TIMES WHICH WAS NO BIGGIE THEN LIKE AROUND 4 SHE SAID THEY DIDNT HAVE WHAT I WANTED SO SHE WILL LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE LATER IM LIKE OK WHATEVER....THEN SHE SAIDSHE WAS GOING FOR A WALK IN THE PARK WITH HER FRIEND FROM WORK SOME GIRL I SAID OK SHE SAID WE WILL GO OUT TO EAT ILL BE HOME IN AN HOUR SO I SAID OK I SHOULD BE DONE....SO AN HOUR WENT BYE AND SHE DIDNT COME TILL LIKE 2 HRS SO I DIDNT GET DRESSED OR NOTHING I WAS WAITING TO MAKE SURE SHE STILL WANTED TO GO EAT SO SHE CAME HOME AND I SAID WE STILL GOING SHE SAID YEAH SO I TOOK A SHOWER GOT DRESSED AND WE LEFT NOW IN THE CAR ON THE WAY THERE AND ASKED HER IF EVERYTHING WAS OK AND SHE GAVE A LOOK LIKE SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED NO MIND U I HAVENT SEEN HER ALL DAY I WAS DOING STUFF FOR HER FOR THE HOUSE AND SHE CAN NEVER TALK TO ME... SO WE GET TO RESTURANT I CAN SEE SHE IS AGRAVET I DONT KNOW WHY,,,,SO WE ORDER FOOD AND WE JUST STAR TALKING ABOUT THINGS BUT I SEE SHE ISNT HAPPY SO IAM GETTING A LTTLE MAD CAUSE IT S MY BDAY AND ITS LIKE SHE DIDNT WANNA BE THERE.. SO AFTER DINNER WE LEFT ON THE RIDE HOME WE WERE TALKING AND SHE SHE WAS LIKE WE ARE DONE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE U R ANNOYING AND AND U RUINED MY NIGHT SO NOW WE ARE ARGUING THE CAR AND THE KIDS ARE WITH US SO I SAID ILL TALK TO U WHEN WE GET HOME SHE KEPT SAYING IM NOT TALKING TO U ANYMORE IM DONE TALKING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER THE ONLY THIN I THINK IS SHEIS SEEING OR TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY ....THEN SUN COMES I WAKE UP SHE WAKES UP I SLEPT ON THE COUCH I SAY IM SOORY FOR WHATEVER I DID IF ANYTHING THEN I LEAVE HER ALONE AND I DO MY THING ME AND HER DAD HAD MORE STUFF TO DO AROUND THE HOUSE SO AGAIN I LEFT HER ALONE ALL DAY SUN THEN I HELPED HER PAINT THE BATHROOM AND EVERYTHING SEEMED OKTHEN LIKE AROUND 4 OR 5 SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO HER FRIENDS HOUSE TO HANG OUT I SAID OK HAVE FUN..ATHEN I SAIDWHAT R WE DOING FOR DINNER AND SHE SAID SHE WASNT HUNGRY AND SHE LL PROB EAT THERE SO I SAID OK ...SO LIKE 8 CAME SHE WAS DRESSED ALL NICE AND I SAID WERE U GOING SHE SAID TO HER FRIENDS AND WE MIGHT GO TO EAT I SAIDD OK SHE WAS LOOKING GOOD SO I WAS KINDA WONDERING SO MAYBE SHE SAW IT IN MY REACTION WHEN I ASKED HER WHERE SHE WAS GOING....I DUNNO THEN SHE LEFT AT 830 I SAID BYE GAVE HER A KISS AND SAID HAVE A GOOD TIME NOW I WENT IN THE ROOM AND WATCH TV AND CHILLED WHILE THE KIDS PLAYED THEN LIKE AT 11 MY LITTLE ONE WOKE ME UP AND ASKED WHERE MOMMY WAS I SAID OUT SHE BE HOME LATER SHE LIKE I WANNA CALL HER I SAID NO WAIT TILL SHE GETS HOME BUT SHE WANTED TO TALK TO HER SO SHE CALLED THEN 10 MIN LATER SHE CAME IN THE ROOM ANDSAID THAT HER FRIEND SAID SHE WILL BE HOME SOON SHE JUST LEFT I SAID OK I WAS STILL LAYING IN BED SO LIKE 20 MIN GO BYE AND SHE ISNT HOME SO NOW I GET WORRIED CAUSE IT ONLY TAKES LIKE 5 MIN TO GET HOME SO I CALLED HER TO SEE WHERE SHE WAS AND SHE DIDNT ANSWER SO I WAS LIKE OK MAYBE SHE DIDNT LEAVE RIGHT THEN SO I WOULD WAIT LIKE 5 OR 10 MIN SO THEN I LAYED BACK DOWN AND THE PHONE RANG I PICKED IT UP NO ONE WAS THER SO I DIALED STAR 69 AND SAW IT WAS HER SO I CALLED BACK AND NO ANSWER SO NO I AM REALLY WANDERING IF SHE IS OK THEN I WITED LIKE 5 MIN AND DID IT AGIAN SHE ANSWERED AND I SAID R U ON YOUR WAY HOME AND SHE WAS LIKE NOT YET IM STILL HERE SO I SAID OH OK CAUSE MY LITTLE ONE SAID U WERE ON YOUR WAY HOME AND SHE SAID I DIDNT WANT HER TO BOTHER ME SO I TOLD MY FRIEND TO SAY THAT...SO NO I WAS REALLY WANDERING I DONT THINK SHE WENT TO HER FRIENDS HOUSE BUT OH WELL ITS TO LATE KNOW...CAUSE NOW SHE WANTS ME TO LEAVE AGAIN.. ILL WRITE MORE LATER I NEED TO THINK SORRY FOR BEING SO LONG..

[Beec]

You are still doing everything for her, as she walks all over you. Why? Why are you still accepting her acting like a princess?