Just spoke with the X, Tough decision

[strader18]

Quick Background: together 4 years,

Dumped me may 2010 ( she resented me over a mutual abortion 09, but I did pressure it)

She rebounded next month ( lasted till September) I did NC

Came back to me in november( she realised I was'nt the only one to blame, she made mistake)

I took her back in january

We decided to call it off 3 weeks ago.

 

I was 20 and her 18 when we started dating, My love was 100% hers had to be 101% no question about it. When we got back, we tried working it out but it just does not feel right at this time. Our communication is not very good. I am not saying I'm the best at communicating my thoughts and feelings but I can say that the most of the issues stem from her. When something bothers her, I only hear about it when It's too late. I'm talking about petty stuff. I once made a joke about a habit of hers and that was brought up in a fight 1.5 years later!!! I was shocked!!!

 

our main problem now is that she takes me for granted. Don't get me wrong I have taken her for granted too sometimes but I knew not to get to comfortable. She me right but she does not understand what I try to offer. She had 4 or 5 previous bf between 15-18 but I was her first mature realtionship. I have made the effort to be the guy that a woman wants: I cook, Clean, Laudry, support, Promised marriage,faithfull(though I have cheated before her) Involved in her family (I am her brother's child Godfather) .She is very independet but sometimes she might need some financial help and I always deliver even if I have to borrow it somewhere else.( she has too help me when I'm down)

 

I could be the careless guy, I'm sure my previous x's will agree but I straighten up my act because I knew I wanted her In my life forever. I think her not having experienced a careless guy in a serious/mature relationship might be the reason she can't appreciate. Now the reason I am saying this is because she Nit picks on these little things. I am confident when I say the way I was treating her, millions of women would kill for it. My sister, my mother, my brother, her family see it but she does not. I have my flaws but they can't outweigh the good I offer. In her mind the man should be flawless.

 

we ended it 3 weeks ago: I asked her out of nowhere if she saw me as a long term partner. I asked because she was acting cold. I told her that I was going to give her some space to think about it. She called 2 days later telling me she sees a futrure but some little things annoy her. after debating we ask if she wanted to move on she says yes.

 

she broke NC today to talk things through. she says she loves me but these (petty) things get to her therefore she is not sure if she can be with me with me in the long run. She does not want to let go yet until she figures it out. ( this is where I need your help ENA) I decided to let her go, I want her to experience another relationship if it works out then I'm happy for her, but if it does not she'll get a reality check and appreciate what I had to offer. I am not going to wait around for her either down the line if we out paths cross again, maybe we can try it out.

 

I just told her it was best if just part ways ,I didn't get into details. Is my anology stupid? At this point I can't say she 'Loves" me but I know she has strong feelings for me. I don't think she is the only one for me, but if she gets a reality check, rur relationship may be much stronger if we try again in the future. In the meantime I am focusing on myself, Finishing school next month, I already have full time job in my career path. I am also promised a promotion. I will be working towards getting a decent car(currently drive a hoopty) get a nicer appartment.When i'm done with all of that and ready to date let say in anohter 8 to 12moths if she comes around, I'll see what we can do. If not I am going to start fishing

Thoughts and comments? please

 

P.S About taking me for granted there's much more I can say to paint the picture , but I rather not for privacy purposes.

[Karma20]

If you've tried all you could to make it work then you have no choice but to walk away. You don't need validation from anyone. I believe that if you give an honest and fair second chance to someone and it still isn't working then all you can do is part ways.

[abitbroken]

You know, not for nothing but you presenting yourself as the perfect man who cooks, cleans, promises marriage and millions of women would kill for, that you are the person's first mature partner, and you name others who agree, reminds me of my abusive ex = not to say you are, but that's what it reminds me of. The sisters said that they would scrub the floor every day if they were me just so grateful they had someone like him. It doesn't matter what you do that "most women would probably like" - what matters is - what does SHE like or look for? Maybe she doesn't want a man who is going to do all of the chores and errands but at 18 or 19, someone who is going to want to take her on a date, hang out, go listen to music and not be so bummed when she goes out with friends alone sometimes to be well rounded. When you are 18 or 19, with a few exceptions, you are not looking for someone to run your household. I don't think a man must be flawless for her - she wants a man perhaps that communicates well with her, and that relates to HER. The abortion didn't win you Brownie points. While it was ultimately her decision and that is why she is telling you its also her fault - you admit you pressured her into it (there is no such thing as a MUTUAL abortion. It can be a mutual DECISION, but it is not a MUTUAL act, you did not have to go through having it done to your body). And now again, you are sort of pressuring her by getting your family and her family to agree how great a catch you are and you are cooking and cleaning and promising marriage and looking to get a promotion etc. and are just waiting for her. If I was her, I would walk away. I wouldn't want everyone to be involved in my relationship - especially if its not the type that I want now with a man who thinks he knows better than me.

 

So what is she doing that's neglectful to you? I think that if she is talking about petty things that get in the way, why don't you listen to that instead of dismissing her. You are dismissing her because you just think "she needs to get herself together" and a reality check while you maintain yourself as the perfect catch with 'sure, i have my flaws". Small things can be petty but when a lot of small things add up, it can get to be one big thing. You don't sound like you really respect her, IMHO. And why can't you have just a go with the flow relationship and just date and have some lighthearted fun instead of all this drama about trying to position yourself as the perfect long term mate that she doesn't want right now?

 

I think you should just not contact eachother right now. But think about things yourself too - its not ust about HER getting her head together.

[strader18]

@ abitbroken I think I am misunderstood here. Her family do not get involve in the relationship. This is stuff they have said to me when broke up last time. I don't go around trying to get anyone to agree with me, they hang around us and they see things. I don't go around flaunting myself as the ultimate catch. Today was the first time I have ever talked about myself in this light. The reason I said that stuff was to paint a picture so the board can give me a fair assemsment. I figured I should mention what I have offered in the relationsh becasue I see a lot of women complain about these stuff. I don't think I am better than her nor do I think give more in the relationship. Iit's always been 50/50.

 

As far as communication goes, I am not dissmissing her. How can I communicate with someone that does not express their feelings. Whenever she is mad or bothered by something she bottles it all up. If she say something , I may get upset but I don't sit there and go nuts on her. Like I said whenever she express her feelings is when she finally explodes and wants to take a break or whatever. I have been working on my communication skills but she just makes it harder than it should be.