What does it mean if an ex wants to be friends?

[MissieP]

Friends with exes tend to be bad ideas. I tried being friend with my last ex which was a bad,bad, bad idea. It was actually his idea and silly Missie thought maybe he would treat me nicely as a friend rather than a lover wrong! He wound up giving me mixed signals, coming for breadcrumbs and leaving me even more messed up. I admit I am not proud of trying to be friends with my ex I honestly thought it could work out and maybe he would be different but in the end he was the same old Markus. A friend wouldn't come after for breadcrumbs or a friend wouldn't want a ego stroke or a friend would treat you nicely. Run as fast as you can my friend.... If you can say honestly I do not mind hearing about their current lover and you are truly over them by all means go for it but if you do not want to hear about their lovers and how perfect their life is with that person run as fast as you can because it winds up damaging you emotionally. Trust me!

[mg22]

To me its sounds like he/she wants to be guilt free ! friends to me means nothing more than zero commitment. I dont think past lovers or ex's can become friends., you can start as friends and grow into something else, but you cant be ex's and become friends.

[triste0508]

be friend with an ex is the biggest RED FLAG there is !!!

[thousandyear]

Like many have said, an ex wanting to be friends is purely in THEIR BEST INTEREST... and NOT yours. Reasons include:

 

(1) Reduction of their guilt

(2) They don't accept your "faults" but want to keep you around for your good qualities

(3) As a back-up should they discover the grass is NOT greener on the other side

 

I experienced all of them, as my ex strung me along for 1 year after ending our engagement with false hopes of working things out every time I suggested that I cannot maintain contact anymore. However, despite months of chatting with mutual friends and objective counselor who did not know us before, he still was stuck on his/his parents' problems with me (which even our mutual friends and counselor have said were common ones that most couples have, so the fact that he could not let them go despite so much explanation of misunderstanding suggest that he either was NOT interested in listening to anyone who had a different opinion or the real him is incapable of forgiving and forgetting even on relatively benign matters). Our mutual friends and even counselor eventually said that since he cannot seem to get past things, and he seems to must listen to his parents ultimatum, the relationship is not going to work... it was only then did he finally say that he should not string me along longer than 1 year and let's still stay friends. (1) By offering to stay friends, he is feeling less of a "bad person" for ending an engagement and not really sincerely trying to solve any problems... he even said most recently that he feels guilty for ending the engagement after a 5 year relationship, (2) He cannot accept my faults, but does not want to let go of my good qualities. He said on multiple occasions that I make the best partner in career... I supported him and believed in him when he experienced several failures and even an injury where he feared he would never be able to perform his job requirement again during his training when we were together, I helped guide him in one of the biggest career-determining choices he had to make towards the end of our relationship (yet he never admitted or thanked me for it during his graduation speech and only mentioned his teachers)... so he wants to have me around as a work friend, even though he has already told me that I am not good enough as a life partner, (3) On multiple occasions over the past year, while he said he was considering, he said he is afraid that he may regret his decision to end our relationship someday (as I have said he may if he does not make his own life partner decision himself and allow his parents to dictate what is best for him, for it is he who will be spending the rest of his life with his spouse, not his parents)... so having me around as a friend can give him this peace of mind of knowing I am still around should he ever regret. He even said that he would not feel good if I ever get married and he knew about it. Those are all reasons that the ex wants to keep the dumpee around as friends... for THEIR OWN BENEFIT... it's almost NEVER good for the dumpee to heal when the friendship or any contact is maintained. Sure, someday, when we have recovered and have moved on perhaps friendship may regrow... but definitely not in the short run when we are still trying to heal. Our ex is NOT there to support us when we heal, so we do NOT owe it to them to support them as friends when we are healing.

[RitaTrue]

"Let's Be Friends"

 

As a friend you're a

-safety net

-the just-in-case option, when the new girl he likes, doesnt work out/ GIGS fades away

-way for him to ease any guilt while he moves on

-option for sex

 

It just sucks all around. Never settle for friendship after BU.

[MissieP]

Yup You said it! And don't forget the occasional ego strokes or breadcrumbs and definitely guilt on his/her part.

[90_hour_sleep]

"Let's Be Friends"

 

As a friend you're a

-safety net

-the just-in-case option, when the new girl he likes, doesnt work out/ GIGS fades away

-way for him to ease any guilt while he moves on

-option for sex

 

It just sucks all around. Never settle for friendship after BU.

 

what you're describing isn't ''friendship''.

 

-- end message to RitaTrue --

 

 

-- begin personal opinion on friendship --

 

friendship is a mutual exchange between two people with a common bond of respect, trust, and platonic love. if either party is unwilling, or incapable of bringing these things to the table, what you have is not a friendship. you have two people who are using each other according to personal agendas. neither person bears a greater burden of guilt in this scenario. it takes two willing individuals to create a friendship. so, if you're here feeling used, taken advantage of, like you're a dumping ground for someone else's emotional garbage...it's because you chose to tolerate such behavior.

 

no one else is responsible for your well-being. no one else is accountable for how you feel.

 

be accountable to yourself.

[MissieP]

I am sorry but that is a little insensitive. You do not know her situation and I am certain you do not know others situations either. Some people try to be friends but they have no clue about their motives so really you shouldn't be putting people down and being insensitive. With that said friends with exes usually don't work have a heart man and be kind. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions but what you said is a little insensitive to rita and maybe like others no one knew the ulterior motives or the ego stroking seriously be a little more kind.

[ParisPaulette]

IF you only want his friendship and feel nothing else for him then it's safe to be friends. Otherwise no, since for many people being "friends" after they dump someone means they may be feeling lonely and not getting as much fun or meeting someone new as quickly as they thought they would or else they hope they can use your feelings to become "friends with benefits."Also unless you are totally fine with the fact that one day he may suddenly cut all contact when he has someone new in his life then it's fine to be friends. Otherwise I think it's a recipe for getting one's heart broken all over again, sometimes repeatedly. Again, actions are the real key to what he means, not words. Does he come see you and seek you out or is this all coming to you third-hand and yet you've not heard or seen him for months? In the end you have to be true to yourself first and do what you feel comfortable doing. I have been friend with exes when neither of us truly desired anything else. I've also had it be disastrous in one case where he still had feelings for me and I didn't have the same feelings and when the tables were turned and I had feelings for another ex who didn't have feelings for me.

[ToBornottoB]

what if the dumper like mine wants to be friends and said i really see us as friends and i really hope you can come to my home when i life on my own (she still lives at her parents home) so we can drink something and you can visit me more times of course!

I said i can't do that our roads split up here then,... she said no that sounds so permanent! and also said maybe you should go for your feelings?!

I am like wait a minute you broke up with me? and now you are saying those things? you said you feel more for me then i feel for you and said it is not because of you but because of me!

She also said i have to work on things in life first, i don't have rest in my head and feel stress all the time. i don't want to bother you with it (because i offered a helping hand because especially the one in the relationship can help you in hard times and give you comfort) But not for her and she wanted to do it on her own! which seems selfish in my head because i wanted to be there for her.

 

I tried to convince her to work things out, even wrote her a handwritten letter but she replied 1 day later with an email (maybe the letter was to early because we still had contact) and said our relationship was like 90/100 and the balance was not good between us. That is not a solid basis for a relationship so i really see us as friends

Now i am in a No Contact because i said its better if we don't talk for the time being,i need to think for myself and make a decision for my own. i appreciate it if you don't contact me, i will contact you if i think i am ready. Maybe letting the emotions sink a bit would help.... she answered with "okay i understand you, good luck with everything X"

I don't know if she wanted to let me feel less guilty or wanted to sooth the situation or tried to see how i would react on "good luck with everything"? how do you mean? like we will never speak again and i would suggest this is it with it instead?

 

She is still in my heart so that is why i have to think about myself now, i think she don't want to hurt me but on the other hand she said some things which are saying the opposite as stated above.

It made me crazy in my head and it made my feelings stronger for a longer time.

 

Anyway i don't really know what to do, the no contact is for 2 weeks now and it helps me healing. It was really hard in the beginning because all those things kept my feelings for her. sleepless nights, no fun in anything, thinking about the past all the time. Thinking about what did i forget or didn't do in the relationship. What is the real hidden problem?.

 

But all these things only give you another "Me" and someone i haven't seen before and don't want to be!

Now i can leave those things like they are but i am still not sure what to do... maybe first see what the time heals or bring and move on... or call her when the time is right to have a drink and talk about general stuff the first time.... i just don't know.

 

What do you people think? (sorry if the story is not really clear, feel free to ask)

 

 

Cheers.

[midnightrose]

It depends!

 

Me and my ex are fine talking at the moment.

But he's said some things that are: wait, what?

He re added me on fb and I wasn't accepting as I believed there isn't a point to it,

If he wants to catch up then email like he has...?

 

He didn't see it that way and got a bit moody over it so my guess is he was wanting to checkup on me.

We have had a convo since and it hasn't been as friendly but who knows. It's definitely not an easy one to maintain!

 

I dont know what my ex is like, or his intentions are...

 

But my other ex is civil etc but no way near as willing to talk.

 

My guess is your guy wants you as a back up. He can rekindle if need be.

[Loveandlost]

One of my closest friends is a ex, but really to get to the point we are now.. where we hang out several times a week,text like 20-30 times a day and are fully supportive of each others personal lives.. it took 2 years of NC multiple relationships between the two.. and her showing up at my door to be there as a friend when I was going through a horrible breakup.

 

You really can't force being friends with anyone.. the friendship is either there or it isn't. It takes A LOT of time.. and you have to be honest with yourself.. do you care about this person, do you want them to find love and happiness, do you have no interest in them anymore?

[bw92116]

If an ex still wants to be friends, it means they want to pick and choose the benefits of the relationship they want to keep, while denying you what you want out of it.