"Doesn't want to ruin the friendship"

[sandrawg]

I've been friends with a guy for about 3 yrs now. We met when he was going through a divorce and he was straight up about the fact that because of his situation, he wasn't looking for a relationship. He was looking for something more casual. I was happy to oblige cuz I was coming out of a rel'ship at that time, too.

 

We ended up as "FWB"-we hooked up quite a few times. The last time we hooked up, it got intense. We could not stop kissing each other, and we didn't want to say goodbye. Because he was not ready for something deeper, we put the brakes on sleeping together (we both admitted, it was getting emotional) but stayed friends. Mostly real casual friends - emailing a lot, but not seeing each other THAT frequently...we hook up every other week for karaoke, that's about it.

 

Anyway, now it's been a while since his divorce is final. I am single now. I flirt with him a lot. I'm a model-I send him my modeling photos. I know he likes them. Yesterday, we had a very intense email exchange where he said, he is really tempted to get back into a sexual rel'ship with me again, but the problem is that he cares about me deeply, and it would be meaningful sex. He even acknowledged that this does not make sense, but he has this voice in his head that tells him not to "f things up."

 

He says that he is a much different person than when we first met, and the self-critical part of him isn't as vocal as it used to be. He said at some point, it might not even bug him at all. I took this to be promising-as if, there is some fear in him that is diminishing.

 

Last night, we hung out, and it was so much fun. I could not stop thinking about our email exchange, tho. Today I told him, I don't know what that voice is that's stopping him, but if there is anything I can do to help it shut up...I'd like to I asked him, do I just need to be patient? I can, if need be. I can wait. Some things are worth waiting for.

 

I have just always seen potential in me and him - we get along so great, and always have fun, and the sex was amazing. Even he would admit it was incredible. I am not sure what his wall is all about, other than i do know he has some self-esteem issues.

 

Anyway, his reply today was that he's afraid to screw up the friendship.

 

Now, if we hadn't slept together before and if I did not know he's still attracted to me, I might think that was one of those "he's just not into you" excuses.

 

I just, never understand that "don't wanna screw up the friendship" reason, because if what you get to take the friendship's place is better, even if it's only temporary, isn't it WORTH risking the friendship?

 

I dunno. What do you all think?

 

He might end up screwing up the friendship, anyway, cuz i don't know how much longer I can keep hanging out with him, feeling frustrated both sexually and emotionally that he's un-available.

[Karma20]

Honestly, it means he isn't interested in you in that way. I don't mean to sound harsh but if someone wants to be with you they are going to be with you and no excuses.

[sandrawg]

.."in that way"...in what way? for a relationship? Like I said, we've already slept together.

 

Honestly, it means he isn't interested in you in that way. I don't mean to sound harsh but if someone wants to be with you they are going to be with you and no excuses.

[Karma20]

He isn't interested in being with you physically or romantically. Usually when someone says that they are just letting you down easy. He probably doesn't want things to get complicated or for you to get too attached to him because he knows he doesn't want anything.

[testcase]

Umm I agree I think the screwing up the friendship is always just an awful excuse. As you said he might screw up the friendship anyway because you have deeper feelings. I think he does too.

 

Not sure what to tell you. I'd be surprised if some of this isn't guilt or some residual feelings he has from his divorce. I think he liked you too but maybe he's scared that he does....

[arwen]

I think that if he was genuinely interested in more than a friendship, he wouldn't be scared to ruin the friendship. After all, if you're really into someone, friendship is not what you're after. My guess is that he says this because he feels a FWB situation puts the friendship at risk. In my experience, it is a risk. One of my friendships turned into a FWB for a while, but it never became a friendship anymore. It seems to me that you two have to decide what you want to be: friends or romantic partners.

[sandrawg]

You guys keep missing the point that it's already BEEN an FWB.

 

This isn't a friendship where we're thinking of jumping into bed together for the first time.

 

We were FWB, then back to "just friends" because we were both feeling emotions, and he wasn't ready.

 

I've always wanted more but just kind of decided to bide my time to see if he would ever be ready. I don't know if I should be patient, and wait for him to be ready, or if he's trying to tell me he never will be ready. I don't think he knows what he wants either. But I do think "not wanting to ruin the friendship" is a lame thing to say.

[sandrawg]

I wish it were that easy.

 

If he doesn't want to be romantically involved with me, I dont know if I can stay friends with him. It's too painful.

 

I think that if he was genuinely interested in more than a friendship, he wouldn't be scared to ruin the friendship. After all, if you're really into someone, friendship is not what you're after. My guess is that he says this because he feels a FWB situation puts the friendship at risk. In my experience, it is a risk. One of my friendships turned into a FWB for a while, but it never became a friendship anymore. It seems to me that you two have to decide what you want to be: friends or romantic partners.

[arwen]

I am not missing that point at all, I think it's precisely where it went wrong - the FWB already put the friendship at risk precisely because he doesn't want more. If he would have wanted more, things would have progressed from being 'FWB' to being in a relationship (although starting as FWB after a friendship is not the ideal way to start a relationship...). I don't think this is a matter of him being ready, but obviously I don't know the guy, and I can only judge based on your post here

 

Maybe you should proceed with caution - things could be really painful if you have different ideas about the relationship (as in friendship/FWB/dating...).