Told a guy I like him and he said...nothing. What should I do?

[Metaphors]

Hello everyone.

Here's my long and dull story.

I have a huge crush on a guy from my univeristy and who also lives in my dormitory. In January I asked him to tutor me in a subject I have problems with, he agreed and has been tutoring me for 1.5 months, twice a week for 2 hours. There were lots of signs that he likes me. He's shy and closed, but still tried to make conversation, learn things about me (mutual friends confirm it's not typical for him), he often blushed when I was around. But more importantly, he often "accidentaly" touched me during our lessons. One time he even kept his leg pressed against mine for 10 minutes straight.

On February 14th I went to his room to return a book, congratulated him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He turned red and was visibly pleased. After that he became more relaxed during our lessons, touched me more often. I gave him another kiss and a long hug on February 23rd, which is Men's day in Russia. Again, there was no sign of displeasure and he went on with his touches.

Everything was going great, but we were running out of studying material. On February 26 in the end of the lesson I asked him what we were going to do then. He said "If there are no problems, I don't see a point in further lessons. I think you are capable of studying on your own." So I summoned all my courage and said "Well, I may have been able to study on my own from the start, but I asked you because I like you."

And he said, without a second of hesitation, "I understand". And then "It's so brave of you to say something like that, I respect this" I was shocked to hear this. So I said "well uh..see you in the university then" and he left. After that we briefly talked a few times like nothing happened, I borrowed a book from him for an exam.. I had a talk with our mutual friend, who is his best friend, and learned that the guy still has feelings for a girl from his hometown. But she lives in another city and is currently dating another guy! I don't get it. He told his best friend nothing about me (at least that's what the friend said)

I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him anymore so I went and casually asked to resume our lessons. He instanly agreed, I didn't even finish the sentence. So we had one lesson since then, on which nothing extraordinary happened, except he started to look at me more frequently than before. Next lesson is on Wednesday.

 

So, to those who were able to finish this boring story: what should I do? I believe he has some feelings for me, but has been holding on to that girl for 2 years or so. Can it be that he is just confused?

 

I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes I might've made, English is not my native language. And sorry again for making the story so long. Looking forward to your replies!

[lavenderdove]

He may not be over her or feel ready to date yet. And it's a good idea to not date someone if you're not fully emotionally available to be in a new relationship.

 

You need to be more clear... Ask him if he'd like to go out with you on a date... if he says no or he's not interested, then you know he's either not ready to date or not interested in dating you. It doesn't have to be a big deal... you could say, you know, i really like you and would like to date you... would you be interested? If not that's OK, just wondering...' Then see what he says. If he says no for any reason, then just let it go and start looking for new people to date.

[Batya33]

I think you were perfectly clear and I think he clearly understood your intentions. He might change his mind about wanting to date you and ask you out or he might not. He might be looking at you more because he is considering asking you out or because he knows how you feel and he finds that interesting or an ego boost. I don't think you should ask him out -not because of your gender but because the ball is in his court to act on your expressions of interest to him.

 

I also disagree that he said nothing -he responded with how he felt about your telling him you like him.

[Metaphors]

Thank you for your replies.

Batya33, I guess you are right, now I have to wait. If I ask him out at this point, it would scare him off.

What I meant when I wrote "said nothing" was that he didn't tell me how he feels about me. If he has no feelings for me whatsoever, he should've said "let's stay friends" or something like that.

[Batya33]

He did tell you how he feels- you just didn't want to listen. He told you he thought you were a brave person and that he understands your purpose in continuing the tutoring. It's not a movie script- he's a person who makes his own choices about how/when to express feelings. You just didn't like the response.

[Metaphors]

I guess so...

Tell me, if he understands my intentions, why would he agree to resume the tutoring? Although I probably shouldn't give it much thought. He's very serious about studies, maybe that's why.

[Batya33]

Probably because he trusts that you will not pressure him to be more than a tutor and he enjoys the tutoring. It's possible he's considering whether to ask you out but unless/until he does you should presume he sees this as a tutor/student arrangement and nothing else.

[Metaphors]

All right. Thank you for your help

[FrogIsFree]

you should presume he sees this as a tutor/student arrangement and nothing else.

 

but he knows it's not because he said, after she admitted she didn't actually need any tutoring, that `you are capable of studying on your own'.. so why would he continue tutoring her if he knows she doesn't need tutoring?!

[lavenderdove]

Nothing ventured, nothin gained... i honestly thinkk that if he is very shy, he may be flustered... When i was young I once had a guy i really liked give me his number and ask for mine, and i was so flustered that i handed his own number back, then was so embarassed i rushed off... he might have though i didn't like him, when really i was just totally flustered, then mortified because i gave him his own number back rather than giving him mine.

 

So i think clear communication is best. Saying you 'like' someone could be interpreted like them as a friend. So i'd just ask him one more time, being more direct, saying that you'd like to go on a date with him (just to be clear that he understood what you meant by liked), then if he says no, you know for sure, and can quit trying to set up excuses to meet with him again. Just be polite, respectful, don't make a big deal, and make sure he understands what you meant. If he says no, then you immediately say, thanks for being honest, and just move on. And don't waste any more money having him tutor you.

[Metaphors]

I think he understood what I meant. After he told me he admires my courage he said that in the past it took him a couple years to do something like that.

 

I personally think that he's not letting go of that other girl mainly because he is afraid of getting to know someone new and, more importanly, letting someone new know him. It's been 3 years since he moved to Moscow from his hometown and not once did he attempt to do something about his love life. We attend one of the best universities in the country, full of beautiful girls, and he just lets his student years go by. I'm not trying to say what's best for him, but it just looks more like escapism than a conscious decision.

Maybe if I gave him more time to get to know me, without making any hints or demanding anything, he'll get comfortable enough to try to work things out.

I wish I knew just how solid this theory is...

[Batya33]

That might happen or not -for your own sanity I would assume that the ball is in his court- since you wrote that he understands your interest in him - and move on -if he wants to date you and you're still interested/available he will let you know. He might like the tutor/student relationship because he likes the ego boost of knowing you're into him. I wouldn't speculate that it has to do with this other woman because if he starts dating someone else you will feel much worse than if you just accept that for now he is just not that into you.

[lavenderdove]

Or the more time you spend with him, the more you fall in love then really get heartbroken when he never asks you out.

 

And it could be a lot of things... many gay guys don't advertise they're gay because they're struggling with trying to accept it themselves, so they don't date girls OR guys until they really get past that and accept themselves. Or they put out the story that there is some nebulous girl in their past if they don't want to be thought of as gay.

 

Or he could just not have met a girl that sparks him enough to ask her out... some people are very picky in their choices. Or maybe he is focusing on school and doesn't want to be distracted. Or maybe he's a commitment phobe and will only see girls on a 'don't expect anything from me' basis.

 

So it could be any of those things, or something else entirely. You are better off focusing on finding someone who is available to date right now, so you don't waste your college years pining for a guy who isn't really interested for whatever reason.