Cheated 3 times- should I leave or not? (SHORT)

[broncoman]

Wife of over 5 years has now cheated on me 3 times that I know of. My heart says stay but my head says go.

 

She is davistated at the fact that I told her that a divorce is going to happen and wants me to reconsider. She blames her unhapiness from her unresolved childhood issues, the depression, the meds she is on, the city she lives in, the family she is away from, etc, etc, etc.

 

I love her so much it hurts but cannot make a decision.

 

I am a super nice guy and know I can succeed but I cannot imagine living without her.

 

HELP!

[JonnyG]

sorry to hear about it. I can see it happening again to be honest . Once is bad enough, let alone 3 times. U deserve some1 btter than that.

[Meow18]

There is seriously no excuse for cheating. No matter how depressed she is or how she lives, that does not mean that she has to cheat on you. I can't even believe she is blaming other things in her life for the way she has acted, she needs to take responsiblity for her actions.

 

I would say that if she cheated on you once, then you should consider taking her back, but three times is just too much.

 

She choose to cheat. Cheating on the person you love is not forced on a person, they choose to do it. How can you trust that she will never do it again? If you don't give her some sort of punishment for it, she will continue to do it. She will think that you are ok with it & its not that big of a deal. It is though & if you do choose to stay with her, she's going to have to earn your trust back & you shouldn't make it easy on her.

 

At this point, she doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone who is loyal & honest & trustworthy, someone who is all that you need in a relationship & your wife just isn't like that. She has done something so horrible to you, the one thing that hurts the most, only she did it more than once.

 

Its up to you whether you stay with her or not. Can you forgive her & move on from this? Can you trust that she won't do it again? Your relationship is just going to be so stressful. Its not your fault though. You did nothing to deserve this. This was a choice she made on her own & if she wasn't happy or something, she should have talked to you about it instead of cheating.

 

Just think about what you deserve & think about what she deserves. Does she deserve you after all that she did to you? I would suggest going to a marriage counsler if you do decide to stay with her because that will help you a lot.

[Runnergrl]

Have you tried counseling? It sounds as if she has a problem. I hope things work out for you, but it sounds as if you should move on.

[single30]

I think that couseling sounds like a good idea too. If not to work on the marriage, then to end your marriage. Its going to be a tough road, since you two love one another... parting will be hard, but so will be staying together. She needs to try 100%.

[broncoman]

Thanks for the input everyone. Most with whom I have spoken too over the last few days agrees that I need to divorce her. It will be very difficult seeing as I love her so much.

 

She has not eaten in over 3 days and cries constantly. Did I mention she was admitted to the Psyc ward on Sunday night aftger she tried to OD on her pills? She cannot understand why I am "leaving her" after everything she has done for me. That makes me feel somewhat guilty but I know there is no excuse for making the same horrific mistake three times.

 

Since I have had the house to myself I have been extremely lonely and look to work to occupy my mind. I feel that I have been able to make a clear headed decision in her absense seeing as she has not been here to distract my emotions. However, each time I talk to her on the phone, there is that part of me that wants to make it work but I know that cannot happen no matter what changes in the relationship. Those tactics have obviously failed in the past no matter the modification.

 

Alas, I picked up the Divorce package at the courthouse today and plan to complete it tonight before she is released from the hospital tomorrow. I could not possible ask her to help me go through it, as it would be much too difficult for her to handle.

 

Perhaps in another life we will be together again; we were not meant to be together in this one.

 

Thank you all.

[t-dog]

Wow, I really hope you reconsider leaving her. It sounds like she really needs you and that she definitely has a lot of emotional problems that she needs to work through. But it also sounds like she really loves you and is beating herself up for the way she acted. I agree with other posters that there is no excuse for cheating, but I also think that some people are motivated to do really hurtful things for many reasons. It doesn't sound like she's just a bad person who doesn't care about you and lives to manipulate you. It sounds like she is a very fearful person who is struggling with very intense self-esteem problems. Self-esteem issues, childhood issues, etc...tend to express themselves through sexual promiscuity and marital infidelity. But she can change. She just needs to get to the root of her problems and figure out how she can best open herself up to love you the way you need. Obviously your wife is not a well woman. I wish you could see that the way she acted was symptomatic of strong emotional problems. You're hurt, but it sounds like you really don't want to go. She doesn't want you to go. So why not work on it and see if there's any way you two can work it out and live in peace.

[pheenom]

Hello. My husband suffers from depression. Differs a bit from feminine depression in that he is less weepy and more overall crusty and dissatisfied. Although I have female friends on paxil and they can be damned aggressive toward their husbands as well.

 

Depressed people, while suffering from a real medical condition, cannot continally expect to suck their loved ones into their vortex of misery. Life is too short. I have wrestled with this long and hard. If my husband had a more 'acceptable' illness would I be more sympathetic, stay with him in sickness and in health? Would I be more understanding if depression's onset were the result of some serious illness?

 

The difference is that people with diabetes, cancer, heart disease -- well, they want treatment. They want medical help. And sometimes they don't even want pity. My husband refuses treatment. Cancer patients take their medication faithfully if they want to survive; depressives, by their very nature, seem to lack the discipline required for a regimented medical schedule. And when it comes to antidepressants, the more regimented the better!

 

I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I love life. I wake up each morning thrilled to be here! My husband throws tantrums and breaks things when the stresses of daily life catch up with him.

 

You have heartache ahead, but you will one day feel great relief in being free again.

[Texanne]

I wonder was she actively in counseling before the admittance to the psych ward. And were you in couseling with her? It sounds like both of you could benefit from extensive counseling , individual and as a couple

 

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health" ... I can not dismiss those words so easily. If my husband wants a divorce he will have to initiate it. I made a promise and I intend to stick by it. Your wife broke your vows when she strayed that obvious, but is divorce really the right answer? Have you explored other avenues to heal yourselves and the marriage. Please consider doing so before resorting to dissolving it. I believe divorce should be the absolute last option when all others have been exhausted. Especially if children are involved....a legacy of divorce is a terrible thing to leave a child with.

 

Just one womans opinion

[chilla]

I dont know how you do it. My hubby cheated once and I'm falling apart why would you stay for it to happen again a 3rd time If he ever did it again I would be gone he wouldnt have a 3rd chance. Good luck with that and remember there are other women out there. Learn to be happy again.

[hardcore]

leave her it not worth the pain you have to go throw each time she cheats on you

?do you have kids with her iknow it can make things harder .

[Boiling Point]

sorry to hear about it. I can see it happening again to be honest . Once is bad enough, let alone 3 times. U deserve some1 btter than that.

 

I agree!

[RobzGr8]

Yes...leave. Unless you LIKE your wife sleeping around behind your back and making you look like a chump.

[guy40az]

It is not surprising to me at all that she blames every thing and everyone else for what she has done, but she should have not cheated on you if she didn't want a divorce.Sounds like my X she wanted another guy and me too. It is really hard to go through a divorce but not as hard as wondering (every time she is gone some where or late getting home) where she has been and who she was with, that will totally destroy you. You might try counseling to help you end it.

[seza15]

depression, it's a strange disease. my mum has it, but she knew she had it and now is on medication, which helps her lot! my dad has it (i strongly suspect he has it) but WON'T get help about it. he blames mum, me and my partner for his problems and makes out its us thats got the issues, not him. it's almost he rather put his head in the sand and blame everything else.

 

women are more likely to go and do something about their health than men. i don't know why though?!

 

ps. i'm so sorry for your marriage breaking. hope the road is better for you and your wife down the track.

[I_Love_Erica_B]

iight homie my girl that i love so much has cheated on me twice but its that extra chance i gave was it we have been married for 5 years now and she hasnt cheated on me ever again.... but how many chances is too many you never know just trust what you believe, if you think she'll never do it agian give her that chance

iight one love

[kipster]

Wife of over 5 years has now cheated on me 3 times that I know of. My heart says stay but my head says go.

 

She is davistated at the fact that I told her that a divorce is going to happen and wants me to reconsider. She blames her unhapiness from her unresolved childhood issues, the depression, the meds she is on, the city she lives in, the family she is away from, etc, etc, etc.

 

I love her so much it hurts but cannot make a decision.

 

I am a super nice guy and know I can succeed but I cannot imagine living without her.

 

HELP!

 

I'd say you have to bounce my friend. 3 strikes your out. I mean unless you can honestly say that you believe she'll NEVER do it again or that you can honestly forgive and forget yet again and won't throw it in her face, I say let it go. You're better than me and forgiveness is not easy, but committing adulty isn't right no matter how you slice it. And 3 separate times adds insult to injury.

 

You will be able to live without her. It won't be easy for the first few months 6 months to a year, but over time you'll make it. And find a woman that appreciates your kindness and won't cheat on you. To me cheating and lying are my instant deal breakers when in a relationship. Its not just an issue of morality its an issue of mutual respect which she violated. That's not easy to patch up especially after 3 transgressions.

 

Kip

[DBL]

Sounds like a head case. Cheating once is enough for me to give someone the boot. I would get rid of her, you only caught her 3 times, doesn't mean that is all she cheated on you. I would do it now before she brings you home some nice diseases.

[lonelynshy]

You deserve better than her! How very shameful of her to blame everything except herself for her actions. I think this is a clear-cut case. I'm not saying you shouldn't love her (if you do,well you just do and there's nothing you can do about it) but you shouldn't take that kind of treatment from her.

[boonpop]

I see that like always everyone has their own opinion dealing with someone else's problems, and mine is no different, just an opinion. I'm not married, and I don't know how if feels to be cheated on once let alone three times. But the fact that you had to bring this issue to the boards and let everyone else's opinion influence you shows me that you really don't want to do what you are about to do. I heard one time on a special or something that when they asked Bob Marley's wife why she stayed with him knowing that he was obviously unfaithful to her, her response was (I was supposed to be with him in this life). For some reason we forget that when loving an individual, we are loving just that, an individual. That includes loving them for their flaws, their sickness, their joys and their pain. I know for a fact that even if you got a divorce, you or your wife will never forget each other, and you will always be a part of each others lives. I would normally say that if she cheated three times you should Kick her out the house and divorce before she hit the pavement, but in this situation, I truly can't say that. Three times is a lot and we all do tend to follow patterns, but you sound not only like a good and patient man, but also like the only man she knows understands her. You have to realize that although she cheated, if you leave her right now you will either be helping her to get her life right after making a crucial mistake, or you will be ending her life by sending her further into a depressive state. Think about it before you sign those papers.

 

One more thing, when I said we all tend to follow patterns, what did you do after the first time she cheated? Did you seek help or counseling? If not, then don't continue your pattern and seek help for the both of you (if you decide to remain married) as soon as possible.

[IsiahsCowgirl]

Being in a relationship with a man who went through exactly what you're going through right now, I would say.. divorce is the only way.. her trying to OD or crying all the time, etc etc.. is just to make YOU feel quilty, when its HER who should feel quilty...

 

I know you love her, but if she's done it 3 times, maybe it's time to do something for you, and find a new life.