itsnotlove's Healing Journal

[Tryptophan]

I keep listening to music to test myself. I still remember when I could not listen to one without bursting into tears but here's another one that reminds me of you:

 

When you're talkin to yourself

And nobody's home

You can fool yourself

You came in this world alone

(Alone)

 

And I'm much too young

To let love break my heart

Young at heart but it's getting much too late

To find ourselves so far apart

 

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait

When no one I know can seem to help me now

Old at heart but I musn't hesitate

I'm find my own way out

 

Still talkin' to myself and nobody's home

(Alone)

 

When I find out all the reasons

Maybe I'll find another way

Find another day

With all the changing seasons of my life

Maybe I'll get it right next time

And now that you've been broken down

Got your head out of the clouds

You're back down on the ground

 

Well I jumped into the river too many times

to make it home

I'm out here on my own, and drifting all alone

If it doesn't show give it time

To read between the lines

'Cause I see the storm getting closer

And the waves they get so high

Seems everything We've ever known's here

Why must it drift away and die

 

I'll never find anyone to replace you

Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time

Oh this time

Without you

 

I knew the storm was getting closer

And all my friends said I was high

But everything we've ever known's here

I never wanted it to die

[Tryptophan]

Got all things done today and been listening to music all day. A lot of them remind me of you but thinking about you is less painful now. I was driving home from work earlier and I heard this song.

 

 

The Reason by Hoobastank

 

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

 

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

 

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with every day

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

 

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

 

And the reason is you

And the reason is you

And the reason is you

 

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

 

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

 

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

 

 

It describes exactly how I feel about you. I never meant to hurt you, I've wanted you by my side all along but I wasn't ready to be there for you 100%, and I didn't want to make us both miserable with my uncontrollable jealousy, self-doubt, and needless distrust. That would have been more painful for both of us, putting us both through that would have ruined us. I didn't want to ruin the purest of feelings I've had for someone. I don't think you'll ever know about this and that's fine. This is just for me. I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for myself now that I'm moving on but you were my inspiration, how could I have hurt someone like you because of my selfish feelings? I realized I need to change because if not, I'll end up hurting the ones that love me. I'm too young to have my heart broken and dwell on it too long ("waste the golden years") and I'm just doing everything I can to let go. I won't reply to any of your forms of communications either, and stick to my NC no matter how tempted I get. You need to move on too, and I want to give you your space.

[Tryptophan]

I was feeling incredibly great yesterday. I was afraid it was just my body's way of preparing for something bad to come, like an emotional breakdown of some sort, after one last cry. But I still feel good today. I can't believe myself. I have gotten so much done between yesterday and today despite forcing myself to listen to now-depressing songs that reminded me of you. And not one single tear has been shed. I even got the courage to throw out our valentine's day cards and deleted all your e-mails, though I still know your e-mail and phone number by memory. If I don't use it, hopefully they will both be forgotten, but only time will tell and I'm hopeful. I also deleted your pictures and I have absolutely nothing to remind of you except my memories, thoughts, and triggers, which are becoming much more infrequent.

 

I'm thinking of you much less now, and I sincerely hope you're feeling the same way. This is some progress and I hope it stays that way, would hate to fall back on those days where I could not even function.

[Tryptophan]

It's funny how I made this in case I needed to control myself if I wanted to break NC to but I have nothing to say to you anymore. It almost scares me that after we were so close, we'll be strangers to each other some day. How does one go from one extreme to the other, I'm not sure.

 

Still feeling good. Looks like it was permanent. Been 3 days since I've been feeling amazingly productive. It's strange, I forgot this side of me when I was with you. It almost feels like I was born again.

[Tryptophan]

It's strange but sometimes it feels like I can feel you thinking of me or like I can feel your pain. Just sometimes, I'll be really concentrated and something just hits me in my chest, and it's painful, but it doesn't feel like it's my pain. It feels like I'm feeling someone else's because I don't feel anything anymore, I'm "fine again". Is it yours? Or what the hell is this feeling? It's quickly followed by remorse.

 

Weird.

[Tryptophan]

Reading "It's called a break up because it's broken". It's hilarious and true. It describes the pathetic scenarios I've seen myself in in the last few weeks. From the stalking, to the crying, to the over-eating, to the more positive things I'm doing now.

 

I've found myself not thinking of you in various instances today and surprised myself. Could it be that you're getting out of my head? I hope so.

[Tryptophan]

Today's been the greatest day of all. I was busy the whole day, and for the last 3 hours, I was with a friend that made me laugh so much. I didn't think it was physically possible to laugh that much after weeks of crying over you but it felt amazing. I checked on you again because I couldn't hold it any longer. I still think of you but just a thought, not whole sets of memories and guilt at once. Just a flicker of your face in my brain, but I quickly get myself to get back to what I was doing.

 

I feel so relieved and happy. Also went to the gym for two hours this morning; it felt good. It was weird earlier, I got that feeling again like you were thinking of me. It just feels like a magnet pulling me with all its force, and I feel this heaviness in my chest. I don't know if it's within the realm of possibility for this to happen but it feels so real. I hope it's not, no matter what, I don't want you to be suffering. Those chest pains feel horrible, I felt them all during the past few weeks, and I'm sorry if you're still feeling that way. I never meant to hurt you.

[Tryptophan]

The guilt trips are getting worse and worse. Woke up in the middle of the night, and you doing things for me kept coming through my head. I couldn't get back to sleep. All those times where you did stuff for me, just rushing through my head, how nice you were. The flowers, the cards, the songs, you were never pushy. And then I realized how much I didn't do for you. Towards the end all I did was treat you like crap, and I think that's what made you seek comfort in someone else which was just talking, needing something different but it was never cheating. I misinterpreted your need for an escape from how I was being and got jealous. Jealous for no reason. Sometimes I think you were too good for me, and that was in my head all of last night. I can't believe how selfish I was. And after all that stuff you did for me, now I feel like I don't care about you. I just care about who you're with. I don't understand why I feel like you're mine, I need to stop thinking of you as if you were my property.

 

I still feel good now though. I just have my moments. I wonder what you're doing. I wonder if you're over me. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you think of me. I wonder when I'll stop caring.

 

I can't help wondering.

[Tryptophan]

I should have known that was just an up in the roller coaster. Just spent a good 45 minutes crying in the bathroom before work. I just felt like I had to let it out, I hate this feeling. I don't even know what it is.

[Tryptophan]

Finally leaving work. It's been 8 hours thinking of you trying to get myself to concentrate on it to no avail. I need to get out of here already. I really miss you today.

 

Just feels like there's a huge damn hole in my chest. At least I stopped crying. It's pathetic.

[Tryptophan]

I found a CD you made for me a while back. I think today was set up for me to miss you.

 

Crying again. I remember when you would sing Staind to me until I feel asleep in your arms. I miss your voice, I miss you at night. I don't want to go out anymore.

 

I'll just drown in my misery.

 

 

[iwannarun]

I promise you will be ok. I know now it seems like you won't be...but believe me, you will be.

Don't listen to music that makes you sad/think of him.

Listen to happy music that ISNT lovey dovey.

Watch action or thriller movies. Comedies are the best, of course. NOT romantic.

Remember that everyone here has been where you are now, and everyone improves over time.

Just help YOURSELF as much as possible...you'll get there!

[Tryptophan]

Thanks for the comment, iwannarun. I know I'll be okay but at times, I just feel like it all comes back to me. I'm back to being okay. I'm sick of the up and downs!

[fire2therain]

The ups and downs are normal. One thing to keep in mind: YOU have the power to control what you think. If you start thinking about your ex and the good times you had, try your hardest to think about something else! I know that sounds impossible and it takes a lot of willpower and strength to do it, but it will honestly make you feel better in the long run. Don't think about your downs in your up and down journey. Focus and think about the ups and how you feel during those times. You will get through this

[Tryptophan]

Thanks! I find that I don't think much about the past but what could have been of us in the future. It's messed up. I guess I miss telling him the good and the bad stuff that would happen in my day and sometimes I'll start thinking of what it would be like if he was there.

 

I barely think of what we used to do anymore. At this point, I think I've thought it all through and my brain is just sick of thinking of it now. I feel much better today. I like this pattern where I'm okay for work and start getting depressed by Friday. At least the sadness won't interfere with work and school. It just makes my weekend miserable but that's okay because I'm with family. I've become an expert at dealing with the misery - lol.

[Tryptophan]

Went to the gym for about 2 hours, went to lunch with a friend, and came late for work. I felt like being around someone again; I haven't done that in a while! It felt so strange. I feel so relieved and healthy. It's hard to cry. The memories are becoming blurry and less painful but I'm not sure how long they'll stay like this. I still think of you a lot, like 50% of the time now which is a lot better than 100%. It scares me how easy it all seems now. I lived a living hell all at once and now it all seems so good. Is it that by living in agony for all that time I sped up the process? Or what?! I'm not sure but I like the way I feel today.

 

I am glad I can listen to music again. The tears peak through but they don't roll down my face like they used to. That feels strange too. The negative feelings are slowly going away.

 

I hope you're doing good too

[Tryptophan]

I'm back at the anger stage for a moment. I can't seem to get over how fast you went to her and how much you started hanging out with her right after the break-up. What does she tell you, to get over me, to move on? Is that how good of a friend she is? Do you listen to her? Or are you just staying away because I told you we both need to heal? I hope it is the latter but I just realized how much that hurt. You knew how I felt about that female best-friend-thing and then you have the nerve to mention her to me when we were in LC. It makes me happy to know that she'll never make you as happy as I did. How could she? It makes me laugh trying to picture her trying. She's so boring, I could never even keep a conversation up with her for longer than ten minutes. What's her intelligence quotient, 87?

[Tryptophan]

Reading back at that post earlier, I feel stupid. It must have been the energy from the workout. I couldn't have asked too much of you since I never really gave too much of me. You gave all you could and I will forever be grateful for that. I feel good today, rarely thought about you, did some major reading and went to the gym for about 2 hours. I felt so energetic (and apparently angry), and decided to stay away from the friends. I noticed that the more I hang out with people, the more I take time from thinking about you so the thoughts just rush in after I'm done 'hanging-out'. It's like my body just wants to let it all out at once or like it has a specific thinking time that needs to be done a day. When it gets ignored, it goes crazy on me and gives me an extra shot. I like the daily dose because it goes down a little everyday. I'm done measuring how much I think about you but you rarely pop up now. If I do think about you, it's mostly voluntary. It's also kind of crappy because I find myself thinking about you at night a lot now so I will make it a routine to write a journal entry for you every night (until I feel better) so those thoughts aren't there in the middle of the night. I've only dreamt about you twice and plan on making those two the last ones. You haunted my day for too long so I plan to keep you out of my nights. I still think about being with you, but I don't miss you as much. I'm getting used to not being with you.

 

I feel so much better; I hope you're good too.

[Tryptophan]

I think you can do much better than me

After all the lies that I made you believe

Guilt kicks in and I start to see

The edge of the bed

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

 

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder

Wish I never would've said it's over

And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older

Cause we never really had our closure

This can't be the end

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

(And I think you should know this)

(You deserve much better than me)

 

 

Had a very busy day with worries about the future. I got home and once I entered, I was there thinking about you again, I just feel lonely. I forgot why it was that I loved being with you and it was because you made me feel safe and made me forget everything around me. Now that I see everything clearer, I realize how much everything really sucks. I know I don't want to be with you, it wouldn't be the same, would you even trust me now? I'm not sure who's to blame anymore. I know I miss you, or is it being with someone that I miss? I don't know if you can do better than me but it feels like I hurt you just as much as it felt like you hurt me. Was the jealousy really in my head or what? Then again I can't blame you when I was worse than you. I wish I could have told you how I really felt but it's too late now. Where did it all go?

[Tryptophan]

I don't feel anything for you at the moment. I just miss you a little. I cannot get you out of my mind though. I'm back at thinking of you more and more now and it's probably because I have no conviction and I keep checking your FaceBook from my friend's phone. She doesn't know I'm even doing it. I'd feel like a stalker if she found out and I probably am.

 

This sucks. I need control over my actions; I feel like a child. I want you out of my head.

[Tryptophan]

There's so many things I want to blame you for and hate you for but then I remind myself of how much I lied to you and I really couldn't have asked for much or I'd be a hypocrite. I even cheated on you out of rage when I saw you "flirting" with her but I knew you wouldn't have gone as far as I went. Worst thing is that you'll never know I cheated. So how is it that I'm so selfish enough to think that it's okay to blame you for stuff or hate you when I did things that were far worse than you could have ever done to me? You at least never hid anything from me but I was hiding everything from you. How could I ever want to blame you for anything? I couldn't even blame you for wanting to move on to someone else now, which I hope you do.

 

I can't believe that you still want me. You want me enough to ask my friends for my new phone number. But I don't think I could even face you now. I was the problem all long.

[Tryptophan]

2 hours of crying. When is this gonna stop? Am I not supposed to be the one that doesn't care? Why do I still care about you? I'm so sick of it already. I miss you a lot today.

 

 

 

[Tryptophan]

At this point, I'm so sick of thinking about you that I want to vomit. I don't want anything to do with you, I don't know why you insist in contacting me. Sometimes I wish you would text or call me saying you've got a new girlfriend and that you've moved on quickly. That would be way easier, you know why? Because it would come quick, it would shoot right through my heart, and then it would go away. There's no pain that lasts a thousand years and there's not a physical body that can endure for that long. I don't want to wait until we have lost contact for months and you come back into my life telling me how wonderfully you're doing. I don't know how I would take that months from now but I'm quite sure it would not be positive. As a matter of fact, it would be a setback in my healing. I know you think I'm doing fine. I dumped you after all, I had my time to heal beforehand, I had already started the process. I'm cruel, I'm heartless, and how could I have forgotten about you so quickly? I bet that's what goes through your head. It's all the opposite but the more I think of you, the worse the good memories get clouded. I have to keep forcing myself to think of the times I was miserable with you to stop myself from thinking I could ever be with you again. I've even gone back to see the little things that pissed me off about you. The way you did your hair, the way you would spit on the floor anywhere, but most of all the way you defended her, the way you mentioned and talked about her, the way you started using her words, the way you would go out of your way to do what she wanted, the way you would flirt with her, the way you would run to her once I wasn't around. It seemed like you would just wait for me to disappear to run to her. Maybe that was in my head, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was fabricated, exaggerated, and falsified by my jealousy, but maybe it wasn't. For a long time I thought it wasn't flirting but it was, you weren't the guy I thought you were. To be honest, I don't know what it was that you even did with other girls. Then again, why do I care now that's over? Now that the cloud has come off, I realize I've been trying to paint a perfect picture of you but you weren't perfect. You were just as flawed as I was in your own ways but you tried to cover it up. How much crap did you hide from me? What for? All of a sudden when I break up with you, it turns out that you loved me, that I'm the only person you wanted to be with, that I was the only girl that could make you feel the way I did, that you miss me, that I made your day, that if there was anything you did wrong you would change. But I don't want you to change, I liked you the way you were, flawed. But we can only get past those flaws when we are clouded by so-called-love. It's too late to change. It's too late to save us. We cannot be together and if that means throwing it all away then that's fine. It was good while it lasted but it doesn't exist anymore. WE don't exist anymore. It's you. It's me. Different sentences, different lives, different worlds. I don't think we even have anything common anymore. I don't need or want you in my life, and I hope that you'll find someone to make you happy. But if you do, all I can hope for is that you don't ever let me know. If someday, far, far, away from now, I find a guy that makes my heart sing, I won't let you know either. I know that you're hurting still and insist on making yourself hurt by contacting me. I'm doing my part by staying away.

 

I'm not even checking on your FaceBook anymore. What's the point of staying away if I'm secretly hanging on the little piece of life of you I can find? If I ever need to know anything about you, I'll reach out to you myself.

 

And now I'm going to bed slightly angry; it suits me. The roller coaster is getting crazy but definitely slowing down.

[Tryptophan]

Went to the movies with some friends, it was supposed to be a comedy but it turned out to be a 'romantic' comedy (Just Go With It). There was a moment where she looked him in the eyes and told him what she liked about him. It reminded me so much of what I liked about you. I started crying quietly and tried to conceal it from my friends. They didn't notice. Then it was his turn to say what he liked about her, I wonder if that would remind you of me. I wonder if you're thinking of me.

 

I wonder if you've been to the movies, and what movie you saw. Did anything remind you of me? Another disturbing thing was the couple making out next to my friends and I. I remember when you and I used to do that. I asked my friends if we could change seats for no reason. We did.

 

Tired. Head hurts.

[fire2therain]

I love this song!

 

"Another disturbing thing was the couple making out next to my friends and I. I remember when you and I used to do that."

Hang in there girl! My roommate has her boyfriend here for their anniversary.. I feel your pain!