itsnotlove's Healing Journal

[Tryptophan]

"Another disturbing thing was the couple making out next to my friends and I. I remember when you and I used to do that."

Hang in there girl! My roommate has her boyfriend here for their anniversary.. I feel your pain!

 

I know. I didn't even know what the movie was about. Shouldn't have gone in a romantic comedy after a breakup. Bad choice but I managed to laugh quite a bit so it was okay. However, some parts really got to me.

 

We'll be okay.

[fire2therain]

I always watch the Bridget Jones movies, even though they're romantic comedies they somehow ALWAYS make me feel better.

[Tryptophan]

I don't understand why the crying spells are back. I don't miss you. I don't need you. I don't want you. I don't even want to talk to you but sometimes I feel so angry at you that I just want to cry and scream at you. The rose-tinted glasses came off and now all I can remember is the bad stuff you ever did. I barely even remember what it was that I liked about you. I'm the dumper so I guess I should be the 'heartbreaker' but my heart feels torn up, beat up; I wish I could show you what it's like to hurt like this. I've lost track of the days I haven't 'stalked you' on FB. I don't want to keep track of all of these days. It ends up getting to me and counting the days just hurts. I just want them to go away. I almost hate you today.

[Tryptophan]

Allan, that guy from work, asked me if I would want to hang out Friday night. I said yes, not sure how I feel about it yet but I figured, "what the hell". It's not like you're staying in just because I broke up with you, right?

 

Haven't even heard from you in almost a month. This is good.

[Tryptophan]

I woke up today and I was ever so happy. Was dancing around singing too. I was thinking of why it is exactly that bothered me that you could ever get together with her and I came to a conclusion - she reminds me of me. I asked myself because I tried picturing you with M or L, and I realized you being with them wouldn't bother me. It's her in particular I didn't want you to be with. She reminds me of the girl I was trying to be years ago, scared, needing reassurance, with a lot of trust issues, hating love because it had punched me in the ribs, I was shy, I needed someone to take care of me, I pretended to be strong, I hated proximity but inside, I was weak and codependent. And I HATED the way I used to be; and she's exactly everything that I used to be before. It was the victim that refused to be a survivor and on the outside pretended to be a fighter just so people wouldn't hurt me anymore. But on inside, I was so rotten so that image I was trying to give was dissonant. I saw the old me reflected on her and I hated her for it. It wasn't jealousy or insecurity, it was that I didn't like her because she's what I have been running from from so many years. I'm slowly changing and becoming a better person but she reminded me of what I never wanted to be. She needed your reassurance and you gave it to her somewhat as a matter of reciprocity - not romance. I saw it as romance and 'cheating' because I was the type of girl that would fall for anyone who reassured me in any way. But you weren't there for her like I thought, you just liked the 'grateful' attention you got from her that I didn't give you. It was a just a friendship of two people who needed something and were able to give it to each other. Needy souls. I'm not that anymore; I don't want to be a victim; I'm a fighter. Now that I realize that, it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm coming to terms with myself and I feel good about it.

[Tryptophan]

Last night I had trouble sleeping because I checked your FB, and saw that you were talking to your 'best friend' again. You were talking about the same stuff we used to talk about, and I started crying. Was it that easy to replace me? I need to stop putting you in my mind so I'm really gonna cut FB out of my life, and probably this site as well. I don't know why I keep checking your FB, I shouldn't care anymore. I woke up, and went to the gym with my friend, then we went out to eat. Later I went bowling with a couple of new friends I've made - and incredibly, I only thought of you 2-3 minutes in the 5 hours we were together. 2 of them were guys that looked NOTHING like you, and I saw NOTHING of you in them. They were really cute and we might go out alone some day. I actually concentrated in them, and not you so that's a good sign. I haven't checked your FB today so I guess I'm at FULL NC - Day 1. Here we go again; this is my fault though.

 

Good luck with your girl. I'm going on a date with A on Friday so I guess we'll both be moving right along. I was doubting going on a date with him but seeing that you're moving along so quickly motivated me to do the same. So, thank you. It has completely taken my guilt/self-hatred away, the only negative feelings I had left regarding the breakup.

 

I feel relieved

[Tryptophan]

I broke the NC when I stalked you yet again today. I went 4 days without doing so and I'm beginning to questioning my sanity so I'm starting to think that I just need to pinch myself or do something that brings me back to reality when I get the urge to stalk you (is that really what I've become?). All I find out at the end of the day is that you've moved on to her and that you don't miss me as much I miss you. I went on a date with A, and I felt a little better but I realized how much I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. I don't want to get my heart broken or be with anyone else. We watched Scream 4, and then just talked about stuff that's going on in our lives. He hugged me and it felt good but not in the way that I'd like it to happen again. I just want to be alone and learn to live on my own. My life doesn't have to revolve around love, as much as I like how it feels, it makes me dumb and illogical mostly when it goes wrong and all the blame gets put on me. It's definitely not my department. I've had a really long weekend (4-days), I've been hanging out with family a lot, and that's what it's all about. I enjoy being with them more than I enjoy being with the opposite sex now. I understand now why you're with her a lot more. I know you like the company of a female when one broke your heart, and I don't blame you. It's okay too because I don't feel responsible for your happiness anymore. It lifted such a huge weight from my shoulders; it's on her hands now. I'm just responsible for my own happiness now and I'm not doing that magnificently; I'm doing a poor job at it. I've done a lot of things lately but it never seems enough but it's not gonna make me stop. I received some really good news today and thought of how much I'd like to share them with you but I just shared them with my family I'll make it though. I do miss how you'd grab me by my waist, lift me up to you and kissed me when I told you something good happened in the day. It was like it was your own accomplishment and that's what I loved about you, always putting me first. I know I didn't put you first enough. Where did we go wrong, how did we let it die? It doesn't matter anymore, you're my past but I just need my mind to assimilate completely. You're still on my mind a lot, came back when you texted me a happy easter. We both acted so cold like it was mechanical. Is that really what love comes down to? Rage? Coldness? It makes me want to throw up.

 

Edit: I was just forcing myself to think of you kissing her so my mind will accept it and I can move on but it still makes me cry. I know I don't need you in my life but it's hard to accept that someday I'll be the last thing on your mind. I still remember when you used to tell me I was the only thing you would think about throughout the day. Is she the new thing? Does she make you feel like I do? Does she kiss you goodnight and goodmorning and goodbye? And does she hold you like I used to? Does she wake up next to you with her head on your chest looking up at you waiting for you to wake up? Does her hair smell as good as mine? (You used to love smelling it) Do you tell her how much you love her body? Do you tell her her eyes the most beautiful you've ever seen? Do you tell her you can't stop staring? Do you do stuff for her and care for her like you used to do for me? It shouldn't matter anymore but it just brought me to tears. It's probably just my hormones making me think of this but I need to ask myself these questions because the truth is she's probably just the lame version of me now. From the bottom of my heart, I want you to be happy, I want you to find a girl that knows how to love you but WHY DOES IT STILL HURT TO THINK ABOUT IT?

 

My heart needs to accept this for it to stop hurting. I want you to be happy. I want you to be part of my past. I want us both to be happy separately. I want us both to stop hurting (I know you still are no matter what). I want us both to accept our relationship for what it once was and try to stop fixing it. I want us to be friends without the hurt and resentment coming back to haunt us.

[Tryptophan]

Remember Jon Secada?

 

"Just Another Day (Without You)"

 

Morning alone

When you come home

I breath a little faster

Every time we're together

It'd never be the same

If you're not here

How can you stay away, away so long.

 

Why can't we stay together

Give me a reason

Give me a reason.

 

[Chorus]

I, I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

It's just another day

 

Making the time

Find the right lines

What do I have to tell you

 

I'm just trying to hold on to something

(Trying to hold on to something good)

Give us a chance to make it.

 

Don't wanna hold on to never

I'm not that strong

I'm not that strong.

 

I, I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

I, I can't resist

Trying to find exactly what I miss

It's just another day without you.

 

Why can't you stay forever

Just give me a reason

Give me a reason.

 

I remember how we used to sing songs by him together. I heard this song playing at the cafe I was at and I had to run to the restroom to cry; I had to cry and quickly come out. I was with a guy from one of my classes and we decided we were going to study together. His company keeps me focused; they're all okay but they're not you. Why am I still crying over you? I'm not sure but my chest feels so empty.

 

Please, lord, give me the strength to pull myself together.

[Tryptophan]

It's strange. I've been feeling so strong today that I don't even want to check your Facebook profile. I do miss you more today and it's because I've received 2 really good news and I wish I could share them with you. It's not the same sharing it with my friends and family than share them with you but I'll make it through. I've also cried twice today, my hormones are getting the best and the worst of me. I hope the feeling of 'strength' stays with me long enough to stay clear off Facebook forever. I don't want to ever have to spy on you to see what you're doing. What's the point anymore? I accept that we are through and that you'll find another girl and she'll make you happy. I also accept that I can be alone and continue to live my life until I'm ready to love again and I can tell you that'll be a long time. It's not easy when loving is just as difficult as letting go. There's no such thing as easy non-painful love or otherwise it's just companionship. That need and craving for another person border-lining dependency is that drug people call love, and the withdrawal is just as difficult as withdrawal from a real drug. I'm not sure the instant gratification of love is worth the long-term (and kind of permanent) heartbreak is worth it but no one has ever died from love unless it's suicide and I'm not one to just quit. I'm one to rise. I'm one to stand up and keep going and this isn't any different. I endured all kinds of abuse as a child and I overcame them. It wasn't as abrupt as a breakup, it's been a lifelong agony so this seemed like the end but I know it isn't. I was able to survive the abuse and I'll be able to survive a breakup. What's another person out of my life? I was able to live with an abusive father walking out on us; I was able to live without any father figure at all. I can certainly live without you.

 

I've come a long way from jealousy, resentment, and hatred. I'm proud of myself. All I feel for you right now is love, and the sincere hope that we'll both be happy without each other in each other's lives. I never thought I'd be writing these words but for once I can feel that I can accept it. I hope this time it's real acceptance rather than just a high in the roller coaster. That would really suck. The roller coaster kills me, and makes me go back to my stalking ways.

[ladyninja30]

I feel exactly how you feel. I loved him and really wanted a future with him and he cheated and left me for someone else. Everyday I've felt like I don't know what to do with myself without him. I've come a long way from sadness but I have strong resentment for her and there is still alot of anger involved.

[Tryptophan]

I feel exactly how you feel. I loved him and really wanted a future with him and he cheated and left me for someone else. Everyday I've felt like I don't know what to do with myself without him. I've come a long way from sadness but I have strong resentment for her and there is still alot of anger involved.

 

It will go away. My problem was mostly in my head really but it's enough of a self-created problem to make me miserable post breakup. At least I got out on time before both of us got even more hurt.

 

_______________

 

I keep getting good news, and more good news. I was hanging out with AL all morning again. Had lunch together and studied for finals. He's okay but he's not you. I know you wouldn't like to know I'm hanging out with someone else but at least you don't know. 2 days full NC. Hopefully this time it will stick. It feels like it; it's been enough. I'm starting to truly not care and accept the situation for what it is. Funny I saw a guy that looks just like you and he smiled at me. At least this one actually looked like you. Right after we broke up, I saw YOU in everyone.

 

I'm really happy today even though I couldn't sleep last night. I think I fell asleep crying thinking of you and missing you but that's okay, right? It better be. I love you, I miss you, but I don't need you.

[Tryptophan]

I couldn't sleep last night again. Apparently my body has made it a routine to wake up in the middle of the night and guess what woke me up? The dreams of you. I also had a crazy need to be with you and make sweet love to you one last time (yeah I'm ovulating - lol). I know if I had asked you to come over for that you would have been down for that in no time. However, I know that wouldn't be fair to you or me. It was exactly around the time we would do it, and the need was so great I just needed to go outside and run a couple of miles. Yesterday was a bad night. I hope I won't have another one of these any time soon.

[Tryptophan]

I met this guy yesterday at the cafe close to work when I went to get a coffee, and read. He approached me out of nowhere and asked if he could sit with me. It surprised me that he had no shame to ask though it would seem to someone that I was relatively busy. And it surprised me even more that I accepted. I was astounded by his audacity so the shock could not let me say no. We talked for about 2 and a half hours about a book that I was reading (Nietzsche), and other topics came up. We never had talks like that, you and I. This one had a lot of meaning, and he looked absolutely nothing like you so I did not think of you much, maybe 2-3 times. He's a bit geeky, smart, and somewhat shy, and I thought of how much effort he must have gone through to approach me. You would have never done that. Though you're not shy, you're too proud to approach anyone and admit you need someone's company. You let people come to you, maybe that's why you like your best friend, because she was always at your feet upon your call (or not). He got my number, and we might see each other next week. He's completely different than you, and I like that. For once, I wasn't wishing he was you, I was hoping he wouldn't be like you. "He's great, but he's not you."

 

But maybe that's a good thing

 

And unlike the previous nights, I went to sleep fine. During the night, I had a dream that I was babysitting. That was awkward, why would I dream of babies? I am not sure but for once, I'm glad I was able to sleep a full night. I didn't cry myself to sleep either; I was too tired.

[Tryptophan]

I'd like to think that you're hurting as much as I am for the sake of knowing you cherished our time together. But I know you're not. It shouldn't matter anymore but for some odd reason, it still does. I know one day I'll wake up and it won't matter. I know one day you'll wake up and you'll realize how much I meant to you and how happy I tried to make you but that day you will also realize how late you are because I'll be in the arms of someone else.

 

I hope you're happy and you can stop playing victim. Because you weren't, not one bit.

[imonlyhuman]

I'd like to think that you're hurting as much as I am for the sake of knowing you cherished our time together. But I know you're not. It shouldn't matter anymore but for some odd reason, it still does. I know one day I'll wake up and it won't matter. I know one day you'll wake up and you'll realize how much I meant to you and how happy I tried to make you but that day you will also realize how late you are because I'll be in the arms of someone else.

 

I hope you're happy.

 

 

i feel this way too.

[Tryptophan]

That's good to know. We all know these feelings are nearly universal but it's always good to read confirmation of our feelings. If you need anyone to talk to I'm here.

[Tryptophan]

Oh today is Day 6, full NC. I wish I had started this a while back, right after we broke up. It could have made everything much faster, but at the same time it helped me take the process gradually. I feel amazing today, it feels like everything is falling right where it was meant to be, and my life isn't missing you right now. I miss you, but my life is fine without you and I accept that.

[Tryptophan]

Day 7

 

The dreams are torturing me. They're not good at all. I had a dream of you and her kissing and me in the corner just watching you both. Do you have any idea of how much it hurts to see this in my dreams when I know it's happening for real? You seemed so happy too. Do you ever even bother to think of me and wonder what kind of pain I'm going through?

 

Do you have any idea of how much this hurts? I only wonder when I'm gonna stop caring. Shouldn't I be happy? I wish you would go away from my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, my life, forever.

 

I'm gonna see H tonight and hopefully that'll make me feel better. He's a really nice guy and I wish I could just give myself a chance.

 

On a second note, obviously I'm better looking. Probably even she knows that I know the sex with her must be boring and well, she's probably a horrible kisser. Those lips, she barely has any. How do those go with your lips, so full and thick and sexy? Probably not too well.

[LoveConned]

Day 7

 

The dreams are torturing me. They're not good at all. I had a dream of you and her kissing and me in the corner just watching you both. Do you have any idea of how much it hurts to see this in my dreams when I know it's happening for real? You seemed so happy too. Do you ever even bother to think of me and wonder what kind of pain I'm going through?

 

Do you have any idea of how much this hurts? I only wonder when I'm gonna stop caring. Shouldn't I be happy? I wish you would go away from my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, my life, forever.

 

 

Itsnotlove, I could have wrote this today! I feel exactly your pain. how could he leave something so wonderful to go back to something so * * * * . Like a horse running blindly back to a burning barn.

my mind is boggling from it all! and the dreams -ugh!

who is H?

[Tryptophan]

Itsnotlove, I could have wrote this today! I feel exactly your pain. how could he leave something so wonderful to go back to something so * * * * . Like a horse running blindly back to a burning barn.

my mind is boggling from it all! and the dreams -ugh!

who is H?

 

Yeah the dreams are torturous and disgusting. H is a guy I met last week, and he invited me out yesterday so we'll see how that goes. I can speak to him about stuff I never did with my ex so I blank out a lot, which is amazing.

[LoveConned]

well thats good! try and enjoy yourself if you can.

I hope these dreams stop soon

[Tryptophan]

I've had them for like 2 weeks. I even had a dream I was cooking for him, and she came and ate the food with him.

 

I never even cooked for him during the relationship. Where the hell do these dreams come from?

[Tryptophan]

I was just thinking of how your sex life would be like with her and I burst out laughing. For once when I think of it, I don't burst out crying.

 

 

You know why? Because it's gotta be boring. And I bet your makeout sessions consist of popkisses.

 

Third thing that's made my day

[imonlyhuman]

I've had them for like 2 weeks. I even had a dream I was cooking for him, and she came and ate the food with him.

 

I never even cooked for him during the relationship. Where the hell do these dreams come from?

 

its just all the thinking about that person all day. it permeates our dreams. usually doesnt mean anything except that the thoughts have been a big part of the day. its like... playing hours and hours of tetris before bed, u will dream about tetris.

[Tryptophan]

Hey baby, I miss calling you that, my love. Just when I think I'm over you, the tears come down rolling down my face. That hole is still in my chest. I've been so busy lately that once I come home, I'm so tired and I just want to rest in your arms.

 

Yesterday I went out with H. He's much better looking than you, smarter than you, significantly better than you, more of a match for me and yet, it's you that I want to come home to. It's you that I want to make love you.

 

It's you that I want, baby. But that's not possible is it? At this point, you probably hate me and you're probably with her right now, knowing it's her. Not thinking about me, glad I'm gone, glad I'm not there to **** **** up between you 2.

 

But I still love you. You know that, don't you? Please stay out of my dreams, I'm so tired and all I want is some rest. I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know I'll see you in my dreams and though I like it because I get to see you again, it's bittersweet because then I start dreaming of you and her. Does she make you happy? Do you ever think of me when you kiss her?

 

Do you? Do you ever?