itsnotlove's Healing Journal

[Tryptophan]

I was getting breakfast at Subway, and some guy was literally trying to get my number for 15 minutes. It made me feel good but I didn't give in mostly because I was with H on Tuesday, and I don't want to be dating too many people at once. I want to take things slow this time. Besides he wasn't my type at all, and neither were you but you were the exception. I noticed how much I thought of you while talking to him. He reminded me of you for some reason, probably because of that 'ghetto' look he had. It reminded me of how cute and 'ghetto' you were or tried to be. I guess the regular person would call you a loser, what did you have to offer me? But that never mattered to me. This guy asked me if that's why I wouldn't give him my number. He said, 'Am I too ghetto for you?', and it made me laugh. Yes, he's too 'ghetto' but he reminded me of you too much which is why I wouldn't ever go there ever again. He'll get over it.

 

Another good thing that happened was that I got called for that new job I applied for and I'm having the interview today. I received my term grades this morning and despite all the **** I've been through in the past term, my academic performance did not get affected. I also applied to volunteer weekends at a children's hospital and I'm going to the interview on Monday. I also got a message from a new mentor to guide me in the right path, and that was good news. I can't never know too many people in the field, right? You always said that to me. But what do you know about that?

 

Everything is good really well for me, so why do I still cry myself to sleep and wake up crying in the middle of the night? I woke up today at 4:23 in the morning and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I just got 6 hours when I could have gotten 9. It might have to do with the fact that I checked your FB, and now she's not on yours at all. There hasn't been any activity since the last time I had checked (9 days). Now I'm back at 0 again and now I don't know what is worse, knowing that you're with her, or not knowing at all who you're with or what you're doing with your life.

 

I don't know why I insist in checking up on you when everything in my life has fallen back together. I don't want you in my life anymore so why do I still cry and want to know what's going on in your life?

 

Why does it still hurt that you're not in my life when it was my decision? Why does everything still smell like you? Why does your skin still feel like it's rubbing against mine at night? Why do I hear you calling to me at certain moments when I'm really busy? Why do I still feel so empty and numb? Why?

 

I don't know how to 'fall out of love' with you. It doesn't feel right not love you or have you in my life. I just don't see myself as complete despite everything. I thought out of mind was out of sight, and it kind of is. I'm so busy with life and you're rarely on my mind but when my head hits the pillow, the first thing on my mind is you, and the first person I want holding me is you. No one else, babe. You know? I think that's what hurts, that you're not there and that maybe you're with someone else. How can you even think of being with anyone else? Why isn't it me that you long to be with?

 

 

Why? Baby, I love you :sad:

[Tryptophan]

I've felt numb for the past 4 days. I feel nothing. That song Need You Now, "Guess I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" hit me hard. I think now I'd rather be crying than feeling so empty. I don't feel love anymore. How is it possible that I could go from that to this?

 

I guess this is my chance to fill my heart with the new feelings. I guess so. Or maybe just leave it empty, that way I won't risk getting hurt again.

[Tryptophan]

Cried this morning when I looked at one of the few things I left to remind me of you.

 

Looks like the record is 4 days without crying. Hopefully it'll get better. Once a week is better than everyday.

[Tryptophan]

Cried myself to sleep last night, didn't eat at all throughout the day either. It was a lonely day yesterday, just wanted to be left alone. Had lunch with and J and W, it was really fun and I feel so much better today. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym with A, I lost motivation but I'm getting back on track. I've lost 13 lbs total since we broke up and I guess that makes me underweight but my eating habits are slowly coming back. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with H he's really smart and I enjoy his company and the stuff we talk about. He's so different than you. I actually thought about him at work today but I was focused so I got a lot done at work. Oh I was at Subway again for breakfast and the same guy asked if he could sit with me this time, it's good to feel like I still got it. He works in the same building that I do so even if he doesn't have my number, I might be seeing him around. It's incredible how people just smell when you're single. When I was with you, I felt invisible.

 

I wonder how you are doing but it doesn't matter anymore.

[Tryptophan]

It's disgusting how you do stuff with her that WE used to do together.

 

That's what pisses me off the most.

 

THAT.

 

I can't stop checking your FB ](*,)](*,)](*,)](*,)

[Tryptophan]

Had dinner last with H. It's always good to see him and talk to him, and be in the company of someone who could be more than a friend, but he's not you. I thought that the fact that he's your exact opposite would be good, but it isn't. Nothing is good enough.

 

He's not you, and I don't think I'm ever falling in love again. I didn't have lunch today because I was crying all morning. I extended my lunch hour because my eyes were swollen from crying. And what sucks is that I know this won't stop unless I stop checking your FB but I can't control it. I can but I just can't. Does that make sense?

 

You don't care about me, you never did. That's shown by the fact that you ran to her right after we broke up. You were just waiting for that, weren't you?

 

And that hurts a lot. I don't wanna be with you, I don't miss you, my hate for you is stronger than the love that used to be there, I want to make you hurt, I want to make you pay for all these tears.

 

But it still hurts that you never really wanted me.

 

It hurts. Take my heart, and tear it all apart. It does nothing but hurt, it's broken and nothing can ever fix it, not even you.

 

:sad:

[Tryptophan]

Good weekend even though I cried for about 2 hours on saturday, an hour yesterday, crying right now. I really don't know what is wrong with me, I'm just depressed. This isn't like me at all. It just feels like my heart has been ripped out of me. It just feels like I'm all alone, no matter who I'm with. No matter who it is, it's not you. It feels so weird not to be lovestruck like I was with you. I feel so empty, I just wish I could go back to day 1 when I met you, and start things all over again. I would do things so much differently. There's a knot in my chest and nothing makes it go away; it doesn't loosen up. I'm just in a lot of emotional pain and this isn't fair. I wish I could go back in time and just be with you when I was the center of your universe and you were mine. We were just each other's worlds and there was nobody that could come between us. And if there was, it didn't matter at all. Those are the times I miss. There's a knot in my stomach, and today I'm so sick of pretending that 'everything's okay' because it isn't. I'm so busy lately, I've tried to fill up every minute of the day so I'm not alone but you're still on my mind all the time. Most I go without thinking of you is 10 minutes, even with I'm with other guys. I just wanna be with you but everything between you and I has been so tainted. I don't know why my heart doesn't get it because it still calls for you.

](*,) I just wonder when I'll start feeling like myself again.

 

Do you think of me? Probably not.

[Tryptophan]

Had such an amazing day today. Early in the morning I missed saying good morning to you, but I quickly got ready and tried to look my best to face the day. I thought to myself, "why ruin this beautiful day so early?" I had the day off work today but I started my summer classes. There were a couple of classmates I knew from past terms so we got together for lunch and ended up spending the rest of the day together. H texted me in the afternoon and asked me to dinner so I had dinner with him. I rarely thought of you today, and this surprised me in a good way. I haven't felt this sane in a while. H and I are going to the movies tomorrow and we'll see how that goes. He isn't pushy in any way and we've kissed a couple of times, including today. The first couple of times I couldn't stop thinking about you and even nearly cried but it feels more comfortable now, and natural.

 

I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to go the extra step but I want to take things slowly, I don't want him as a rebound because I really like this guy and he doesn't deserve the drama from our relationship. I just like being in his company because he makes me completely forget about you. He's the exact opposite of you and I love that. There's not even a way to compare you to him. I don't even know if this could escalate into something meaningful or if I'm quite ready for that but I don't care about that. It's too soon to see the potential but I like it right now that I don't have feelings for him. I like this type of clarity that I have with him, like everything is out on the open. With you I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I never knew if I was making you happy or angry. I never knew how you felt, you were so concealed, and indirect.

 

We'll see how tomorrow goes. I wonder how you're doing but I don't feel like I need to know how you are doing. Today I don't give a **** about you. You could be ******* her right now, and it wouldn't matter. I like this feeling, and I can only hope it'll stay. Another plus side was that I didn't cry today and I don't even feel like I need to. Nothing hurts; I feel whole again. Hopefully this time it'll last.

 

I hope you're having a good day too. It's about time we can both exist as separate entities.

[Tryptophan]

Can't believe it's been a week since I've posted on this journal. It's like I've run out of things to say to you.

 

I am at the park we used to go to, with the fountain, the trees, the lake and those swings. Remember the swing? It's bringing tears to my eyes but I feel like I can no longer cry for this, at least not today. Today is my day. Today is a good day. I have a job interview and I plan to nail it. I decided to pass by here because it relaxes me and I need to study the material for the interview.

 

I can't help but think about the times we spent here, and wonder if it would mean anything to you to come by here. Would it hurt to be here like it's hurting me now? But it's okay that it hurts, it'll pass. I have to get used to these places now, and make them my own, make new memories and new associations.

 

Remember how we'd hold hands and play on the swing. Remember how we'd throw rocks at the lake and compete, whose rock would make it farther. Remember how we'd lie down on the grass and look up at the sky, try to find funny looking clouds. Remember the fountain and the coins we each threw and made a wish. Do you know what my wish was? My wish was that that moment would last. That fountain, I guess, isn't magical. What was your wish, and did it come true?

 

Forget what I said about not crying today. I couldn't help letting those 2 tears roll down my cheeks. This place still hurts, and maybe I should keep reading the material for the interview rather than sit here and ponder. But I needed to do this, now I feel better about being in this place again. Would you ever bring her here?

 

Today is day 3 of real NC, and I'm not sure I'll make it, but I don't want to ruin my determination. What hope is there for me, if I even fail myself when I tell myself I'm gonna do something? I don't want more failures.

 

 

[Tryptophan]

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh.

 

 

[Tryptophan]

Received some great news yesterday and for the first time I didn't feel like I would have to share with you. There were other people that were happy for me and for once it was enough for me.

 

Barely have time to think about you but I still do and it's when I miss you the most and I still cry. It's so strange that you're not on my mind a lot. How long has it been since I've gone without thinking about you this much? I quite miss you on my mind.

 

But it's fine.

[Tryptophan]

"And how long has it been

Since someone you let in

Has given what I gave to you"

[Tryptophan]

Hey how are you? How have you been?

 

It's been nearly a week since I last cried. It's been 5 whole days since I last checked your Facebook. I am alone but not lonely. I got the job, and I'm busier than ever. I'm fine, and I hope that you are too.

 

With whomever.

 

 

 

Don't even care to wonder if I ever cross your mind anymore. It's fine if I don't, you rarely cross mine.

[Tryptophan]

I really miss you today. The tears have been back for the past 3 days. It still breaks my heart to even think what we could have had together. Today I woke up thinking of all the times I saw you with her and I thought to myself, "Should I let him go so he can be with her?" At the end of the day, was it all worth it? The things you had with her weren't even half of the things I'd done with other people, so why did I care so much? Why does she bother me so much? I've let this thing with you and her grow so much in my mind with barely any "evidence" I wish I had not created such a double-standard.

 

Are you truly happy without me? Do you ever think of me? Do you still cry like I do? Do you miss me like I do? Do you miss me like I do?

 

Things didn't work out that way with H. That whole friendship-that-can-turn-into-relationship thing doesn't work with me like it worked with you. Even kissing him felt like I was kissing a good friend, not a boyfriend. There's a couple of guys that I'm seeing now but I still miss YOU. I don't know why, you weren't even what I had expected of someone I'd fall in love with this badly. I always thought I'd fall in love with someone the opposite of you. But the heart chooses and it usually chooses wrong, I guess it likes to get hurt.

 

And it really does hurt.

[Tryptophan]

All this time I thought I knew you. I thought you loved me. I thought your self-proclaimed way of loving was genuine. I thought that after the time I’d spent alone, or getting lied to, or getting !@#$%^ over, I’d finally found someone who could appreciate me and love me for who I was. I thought that I could finally rely on someone to not make me cry the way you did. I thought you were different, but you were just like everyone else. I should have known I couldn’t trust you; it should have been obvious from the beginning.

What the hell did you get out of lying though? Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? Did I really not deserve that bit of respect and honesty? Did I really just mean absolutely nothing to you? Was all my love just not enough to deserve honesty? Everyone seemed to know that I was in for loss in the relationship except for me. It doesn’t hurt that you lied or that you cheated. It hurts to realize that I haven’t found anyone I could love the way I loved you without being hurt.

It hurts to become aware of this reality that I refused to accept for so long. It hurts to admit that you never really loved me. It hurts to know that after trying to protect my feelings for so long, I let myself fall for you. And it’s not your fault; I accept that it was my choice to love you. You just didn’t know how fragile I was. I’m not trying to justify the stuff you did but that’s the only way I can actually see it.

You know what? I don’t wish you harm. I forgive you for what you did to me. I forgive her too. Just like I forgave my father, just like I forgave my mother. I have never been one to hold grudges. I just let them go. And I won’t change because of you. I will continue to be the good person I always was and you took advantage of. It sounds so clichéd to say that “I can only control my actions”, not others’—but it’s the truth.

And that’s what I’m doing from this moment on; I’m letting all this pain go. I’m feeling it and letting it go. I’m not letting it burn my soul, I’m not letting the acid churn in my stomach, I’m not losing my hope on love. I hope that some day it’ll stop hurting when I think of you. It would be a waste to know that whatever time we spent together was lost somewhere in this sea of hopelessness. I don’t want to lose the good memories; I want to keep them. However, I am aware that I can’t keep living in the past.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster because I know the last thing you do over me is cry. I’m sick of re-opening my wounds by revisiting the same places because I know the last thing you do remember me. I’m sick of trying to be in your life indirectly because I know the last thing you do is care. I’m sick of hating you because if there’s one thing you still do about me is be indifferent. That’s fine; I guess it was easier for you to get over me. I can’t change that; I can only work on myself. That’s what I’m doing. I’m trying so hard you have no idea.

 

I won’t pretend I don’t miss you. I won’t pretend I don’t love you. I won’t pretend I don’t still feel like I need you. I won’t.

 

But I will accept it for what is—over.