itsnotlove's Healing Journal

[Tryptophan]

I've been posting on the Ex thread but I realized I have too many things to say to my ex and I want to look back at this everyday to know that I'm doing some progress because at this point, it doesn't feel that way. I would give some background on the relationship,or the reason for a break-up but I don't think there's even a reason for it except my own selfish jealousy. I know I love him and that he loves me but throughout the whole relationship, I kept wondering what he was doing, who he was talking to, checking on him (I still do), and every woman seemed like a potential threat even though I knew they weren't. Even though he was the only reason in my life to smile, I could not let things go. I would be at work, checking on him, wondering why he hadn't called back or texted me. At times, I knew he was at work, or at school, or with his friends; but sometimes I would even doubt that. He never gave me a reason not to trust him. On the contrary, he's given me all the reason to trust him and quite frankly, he's the person I've trusted the most in my life.

 

He was my best friend, I could talk to him about anything. I gave up all my friends for him, and would take days off work just to be with him on his days off. I would answer his calls and texts at work. We would spend every moment we could together. He became my life, thinking about him every second. Our sex life was incredible, and at this moment, all I think about is being with him again. I became too attached to him, if possible, and in a way, I guess I thought of him as my property. So when he became too close to someone, I started getting jealous to the point that I would ask other people to keep an eye on him, check his FaceBook, Myspace, Twitter to see who he was talking to, and even though the conversations weren't much of a big deal, just knowing that he was talking to other girls made me furious. It was demented because I would flirt with other guys more than he would ever dare flirt with other girls. If he ever flirted the way I did with some men, I would have probably died. Someone on here previously suggested that it might be a sense of entitlement and I guess it is. It felt right that I could do it, but if he did it, it burnt me. I gave up my friends for him because I wanted to but I was mad that he couldn't do the same for me, particularly the female friends. I knew that that wasn't healthy so I knew we had to break-up to keep my sanity, before it became worse (if that's even possible).

 

I never talked to him about it because there was nothing he could do. All I needed to do was work on myself. There was nothing he was doing wrong because I knew perfectly well it was all in my head. I couldn't live with it anymore. So I broke up with him giving him some dumb, unacceptable reason, and it broke his heart. It broke mine too because I know I wasn't being completely honest with him. We still have feelings for each other, we were absorbed by the relationship, and we were fine with it. Although I want to get back with him, and he wants to get back with me, everything that's holding me back is the way I felt when I knew he was talking to other women. It would feel like something was burning inside. No matter what, I still love him and that's been the hardest part of the break-up. Knowing that you're putting both the person you love and yourself through so much because your jealousy just eats you up.

 

I have accepted that I cannot be with him because I need to work on my jealousy problem. I'm not sure if it's about trust, or insecurity but looking back, jealousy has been a major problem in my life. Before I work on that, I need to get over the person that I love. Even though I love him, I don't see myself being with anybody for a few years. I don't want to date, but I know that he will sooner or later, and I don't want to be there to find out. If it made me jealous to know that he was talking to someone, I don't want to know what it feels like to know that he's with someone else. I know it shouldn't matter because he's part of my past now but for some sick masochistic reason, I still give a damn. I get moments where I want to run back to him and forget everything else, and that's when I come on here and post. So I guess this is what my journal is gonna be about.

 

Here goes nothing.

[Tryptophan]

Hey I was checking the cards you've given me for Valentine's, birthday, christmas and all the sweet things you said to me. It brought back memories of how you used to sing that song to me by Staind. I realized that I'm still "tangled up in you".

 

You're my world

The shelter from the rain

You're the pills

That take away my pain

You’re the light

That helps me find my way

You’re the words

When I have nothing to say

 

And in this world

Where nothing else is true

Here I am

Still tangled up in you

I’m still tangled up in you

Still tangled up in you

 

You're the fire

That warms me when I'm cold

You're the hand I have to hold

As I grow old

You're the shore

When I am lost at sea

You're the only thing

That I like about me

 

And in this world

Where nothing else is true

Here I am

Still tangled up in you

I’m still tangled up in you

 

How long has it been

Since this storyline began

And I hope it never ends

And goes like this forever

 

In this world

Where nothing else is true

Here I am

Still tangled up in you

Tangled up in you

I’m still tangled up in you

Still tangled up in you

 

It made me cry. I miss you. I love you, and I wonder if you're thinking of me right at this moment. Sometimes I hate you, and I wish I could let you go, but when I remember how good you were to me, it makes me cry that I couldn't let my selfish fears go enough to let me love you in peace.

 

Part of me wants you to wait for me to get better. But part of me knows that would be too much to ask, you probably would wait for me which is what makes me sad. Part of me never wants to see you again because it hurts so much to think of you. And now I'm getting the thoughts of you with her, and I feel my heart is burning. And now the tears are gone. I can deal with sadness but I cannot deal with anger because I don't know what to do with it. I can cry because I miss you. I can cry my heart out like I've been doing since we broke up. But I can't seem to let go of the anger. I feel it all over my body sometimes. At least it makes the tears go away.

 

On the bright side, at least I got something done today at work. I feel like I've made some progress but it's probably because the deadline is tomorrow. I still can't get stuff done for school, though. If I mess that up, I'm probably gonna hate myself even more.

 

Why do I still care so much for you? Please go away. I don't want you anymore. Everything good that I've been through with you does not make up for all these negative feelings so I don't want the good memories anymore either. I wish you could take them back. I wish I had never met you. I regret ever giving you a chance. I keep telling myself that you're ugly, I ask myself: what did I ever seen in you? I also keep trying to tell myself that it's your fault I was jealous in the first place, and that I should move on. But deep inside I know that you're the most beautiful person I've ever been with, no matter what anybody says. I also know that it was in my head that I was jealous, and I was the one that kept lying to myself trying to convince myself that there was in fact something to be jealous of. But there was nothing, baby, you never gave me a reason, but I still felt that way. I still feel that way. I don't want to let you go, but I need to. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, and the tears are coming back.

 

I don't think about you when I'm around people, it's mostly my family lately. Remember I gave up all my friends for you? But I hate being alone at work, or in school because then you invade my thoughts and I find myself thinking about you when I'm trying to read. You never leave. You're in my mind 90% of the time. I still can't listen to music.

 

The song that makes me cry the most is Snuff.

 

"It took the death of hope to let you go".

"Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again".

"I don't deserve to have you".

"I still press your letters to my lips, and cherish them with parts of me the savor every kiss".

 

You have no idea how those get to me. The tears just come out. I listen to it every once in a while to test myself. Hopefully one day I'll be able to listen to it without crying. My biggest fear is that I won't make it there.

 

"You sold me out to save yourself".

"Angels lie to keep control", I wonder if that's how you feel about me.

[Tryptophan]

Lunch was a mess, came back early for one. People keep asking what is wrong with me, and I cannot bring myself to tell anyone about it. Sometimes it feels like I don't want to be alone, but when I'm alone, I feel at peace. I think that maybe if I burn out thinking about you, I'll get get tired of thinking of you. I feel calm right now. Maybe I can actually get some more stuff done today.

 

I can only hope. I feel I'm getting my hope back. It feels strange when I feel good, because I haven't felt this way in a while. As much as it hurts not to have you around, I feel free because I don't have to worry about being angry anymore. If I get angry, it's because I want to or because I'm eliciting it. It's not all about you anymore; it's about me. It's always been about somebody in my life. I've always done stuff to please everyone or been forced to. For once in my life, it's about me. And I'm proud of myself for this.

 

I told you not to reach out to me, so you probably won't. That's good, that's the only way I'll heal. I don't get urges to talk to you anymore so that's good too. I can control myself in that sense. I don't want to check on you anymore, sometimes it makes me wonder more about her. And that makes it hurt even more, so why do I want that for myself?

 

I can't wait for you to get out of my head. Maybe you won't ever be out 100% but I can't wait until it doesn't hurt anymore. I keep imagining that day, and can almost feel the freedom of letting you go. It gives me hope. I remember the first days I was away, it felt like letting you go was like asking myself to stop breathing. Now it just feels like I NEED to stay away to breathe. I hope you know I still love you, and that I'll never stop loving you. I can only dream that it'll be the same way for you.

[Tryptophan]

Despite how crappy I feel, I still think about having sex with you. I feel dirty for doing it but it all just keeps coming back. The sickening part is that I get turned on, and it would probably help to be with someone else to "satisfy the craving", but I don't want to. I just want you. I hate it.

 

I also keep thinking if you'll ever be with "her". Barf. How can you? Not even J finds her attractive.

[Tryptophan]

I woke up today, and I felt so good. I thought I didn't care about what you do with your life, accepted that you might move on to someone else and that it shouldn't ever hurt me enough to make me relapse. I cried a little this morning when I decided to test myself and listen to the radio. Songs I had never heard before remind me of you. What happened to the thoughts I had this morning? Where have they gone? I felt so optimistic about the future, motivated. Now I just feel numb.

 

I wrote you a letter and I was about to print it and burn it. I'm still working on it, though. Maybe someday I'll tell you what it said when I know it's the time is right and it won't set us both back. I wonder how you're doing. Yesterday I smiled when I was told you were looking like crap since we broke up. I don't know why I did it when I know I don't ever want to hurt you. I don't know how to feel. At times I want you to die, hurt, cry for me, or go way. Other times I want you to cry just so I can comfort you but I know I'm not there; she would probably be the one to wipe away your tears, and I don't want that.

 

Broken - Seether feat. Amy Lee

 

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

 

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, here anymore

 

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away

There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

 

That's another song that really gets to me. I want to hear your laugh again one day. I wanted to call you just to hear it but what good would that do? I don't care about you anymore or at least that's what I'm trying to believe.

 

That hole in my heart is coming back right now. Yesterday I got some tasks done at work, read another book at home too. I'm doing quite well with getting my stuff done for school. I realized that if my present is screwed, and my past is gone, I might as well make my future seem bright, and letting you mess me up at work and school isn't gonna cut it. I wonder when you're gonna get out of my head. Yesterday I went out and surprised myself because I almost went a full hour without thinking of you; I was too busy to care.

 

It felt so good until the shock hit me. I went "Wow I didn't think of you for ...", and then I realized I had messed it up for myself.

 

Oh, I've lost 4lbs since we broke up. I skip dinner now because we would always eat dinner together. Breakfast and lunch we rarely did but it was always dinner. Food doesn't taste the same for me anymore. What's the point? It scares me how often I keep asking myself that question: "What's the point?". You were not my life. I shouldn't speak of you as if you were. You just took over it for a long period of time. I have a whole life ahead of me. I shouldn't drag me down. No, I shouldn't.

[Tryptophan]

I feel sick to my stomach to think that you're with her. I'm getting vivid images of you being with her even though I know you won't. They are vivid and they are repulsive. It comes to mind that even if you did, why in the world should it matter to me?

 

I've been keeping myself particularly busy today. The weekend is coming and you know I hate weekends because I would spend the most time with you. It still hurts to keep wondering what you're doing. I wonder when I'm gonna stop caring. It's getting better with time, I'm healing.

 

I still miss you; I'm afraid of coming home to find an empty space. I have so many things to do and I can't keep you out of my head. I've also been thinking about how long it's gonna take you to forget me. Are you feeling the way I am? Why do I keep wondering? It's not like I'm gonna have a definitive answer to all this questions but I can't help thinking, and letting my thoughts flow. I'm getting better at controlling them. I just have my days...

 

I'm getting stuff done today, though. I'm sick of thinking of you. I want an overload of thoughts unrelated to you. I need a new diet, a new plan, a new book, a new goal, anything that I can dedicate myself to completely like I would dedicate myself to you.

[Tryptophan]

I wish you could kiss me goodnight. After a long weekend of having fun and having you out of my mind for quite a while, I came home to find myself deleting pictures from my computer - and I came accross some of yours. Now that it's been a while, I realize that you weren't all that. How much in love could I have been to ignore that ugly-puppy face? Even after telling myself how ugly you are, I still cannot get myself to think of someone I desire more right at this moment.

 

I miss you still, and I am really missing how you would kiss me goodnight right now. I still wonder if you're thinking about me. Sometimes I get moments where I cannot hold my tears any longer and it just feels like we are stuck on that moment together. I wonder if in those moments you're really thinking of me or it's my mental way of consoling myself trying to believe that you're also hurting.

 

As selfish as it sounds, I hope that you are. I don't want to go through this alone, and the only person that I could to share this pain with is you even if you're not with me. So close no matter how far. Even though I know you have had better ways of dealing with this than I have - such as her company - I know that you've hurt. Selfishly again, I don't want to be the one that's left in pain after you've gotten your life back together. I just want you to know that I love you. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get myself to hate you. I've just started hating myself for loving you.

 

With that said, yet another moment that pains me is mornings. I miss your morning kisses too. I also remember when we still hadn't moved in together and every morning I would wake up to a sweet text message from you wishing me a wonderful day. Calling me your sunshine. I hate waking up and having nothing to look forward to. If a morning kiss cannot be, a morning text would suffice. But I cannot have either of them. It was so sweet and unexpected at the beginning but eventually it became a need. I need to replace that irreplaceable morning routine with something but I'm afraid nothing will live up to the beauty of your words.

 

However, a morning walk with G will do. She misses you too.

By the way, I'm still not listening to music. I nearly broke down at an organic market my mother and I went to earlier. It was some silly 80's song I had never heard, and yet, it reminded me of you. Why does everything remind me of you? Did I think about you this much before or is what nostalgia does to us?

 

I'm not sure but I miss listening to music without having a constant trigger. Even books remind me of you. I've settled for reading a GRE book; at least it'll add to my vocabulary.

[Tryptophan]

I wish you wouldn't try to reach me. It only makes it hurt more on this end. I wish I could stay there for you until you healed but I know that would do no good for me. Am I expected to hang around you until you've healed enough to go on to another girl? Why would you reach out to me? Just get it over with and leave.

 

I don't want you anymore. Get out of my life.

[Tryptophan]

I feel so stupid. I regret ever replying to your texts, but I felt sorry for you. I know I shouldn't care, but I still do. For some stupid, masochistic, painful reason I still care and I still check on you like it's gonna do anything better but it never does. And when I saw your text, it just reminded me of the fun times we had together and forgot for a moment that we aren't meant to be together, and now I'm left in pain again at ground 0.

 

I wish you would disappear from the face of the earth. I wish I could delete you, erase you, kick you out. I don't want the good memories either, because they hurt now that I know they were just a waste of life. Take them all with you and don't ever come back. And I know that's not possible but that's the way I feel right now. I don't want to have to worry about you being with somebody else. I don't want to be reminded of your existence by my own mind. I wish I had more control over it but I don't. I can't believe I think about you this much. You just flood my thoughts and they disgust me. You're making me hate myself.

[Tryptophan]

No matter how much I try to say that I wish you wouldn't reach out to me, I can't deny that texting you has made my day, no matter how insignificant the conversation might have seemed. My excuse is that you reached out to me first. I've been suspended on air since I last talked to you but then that reminds me that I have to start from zero again.

 

You make me lose my logic.

[Tryptophan]

So another night alone on my computer. It's getting a bit old now and I can't help thinking about you, and how bad I wish you were here. I could have gotten me some company but it still doesn't feel right. Having any sort of communication with you makes me lose my willpower. I had started off really well doing what I had to get done for the day and then I started thinking back of the good times we had, and now I'm back at that stage where I wish I still had you with me. I wish I could stick to my guns with NC but I'm still at your mercy; you make me weak. It seems unbelievable to me still that all my life I've fought to be as independent, mature, and determined as I could and along you come and make me drop my walls.

 

I loved that feeling of having nothing to hold back; it was almost ecstatic. All my life it felt like I was holding back my feelings even with my previous relationships. With you, it was all different and I trusted you immediately. But it was an overdose and not only did an overdose of good feelings come but an overload of negativity. Along came the feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, and regret that pushed me away from you. Initially, I was drawn to you for breaking through my shell, and now it feels as though I have to run away. I have to run away for my sanity because I can't find a balance. It feels like my brain is clearing out the negative feelings and over-romanticizing the good memories. In a way it's good, I don't feel angry anymore. I feel happy, relieved, and at peace with myself. I get nostalgic at times and it makes me cry but I'd rather cry than have all that built up anger inside of me that I don't know how to release.

 

At least I'm not checking on you anymore. I feel calm enough to refrain from doing so. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you find a girl that deserves you, treats you right, and doesn't lie to you like I did. I won't be there to find out but when I do, I know it won't hurt. I'll be ready. I listened to a whole set of Bon Jovi songs and I didn't cry. I think that's progress or maybe it's a strange differential effect of over-romanticizing our relationship. Whatever it is, it felt good. I cried earlier after replying to your texts. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing and I blamed myself for lacking conviction. However, if it brings a smile to my face then so be it. I'll have to do it sooner or later. You're still the same.

 

I'm going back to my old self as well. I feel more like me today and less like us, and I like that. Slowly but surely, I'm getting back on my feet and no matter how many tears come along, it's all just nostalgia. It's not anger anymore. It's not regret. It's not hate. It's not the feelings that burn the most. Sadness and nostalgia cut me, just like I used to cut years ago. I can cope with that pain, it almost makes me high and it hits me from time to time. The other feelings, though, I can't deal with. They just feel like acid burning from stomach to my chest, and I really don't know what to do with it. They scared me at one point and I was afraid I was going to hurt myself or somebody else. I'm so glad those feelings are gone. I hope I'm not being deceived by my heart and hope they will stay away permanently.

 

You're on my mind 75% of the time. That's progress. 25% improvement is a long way. I can say I'm proud.

 

Anyway, goodnight dear journal!

[Tryptophan]

I guess this time you're really leaving

I heard your suitcase say goodbye

Well as my broken heart lies bleeding

You say true love, it's suicide

 

You say you've cried a thousand rivers

And now you're swimming for the shore

You left me drowning in my tears

And you won't save me anymore

 

I pray to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

 

I'll be there for you

These five words I swear to you

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

Steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what a love can do

I'll be there for you

 

I know you know we're had some good times

Now they have their own hiding place

I can't promise you tomorrow

But I can't buy back yesterday

 

And Baby you know my hands are dirty

But I wanted to be your valentine

I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby

When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

 

I'll be there for you

These five words I swear to you

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

Steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what a love can do

I'll be there for you

 

Solo

 

And I wasn't there when you were happy

I wasn't there when you were down

I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby

I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

 

I'll be there for you

These five words I swear to you

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

Steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what a love can do

I'll be there for you

 

 

Thanks for the link to that but I won't reply, I guess I won't be there for you if it means I'll get better. I wish you knew it isn't about giving you a chance, it's about giving love a chance in general. Can't stop thinking about you. Today is a 100%-day. Where has my strength gone?

 

Your sweetness almost gets to me and it's making me want to run back to you. I know I can't but I'm a sucker for your love. I'll continue to dream on. How pathetic am I?

 

Same old song. I really need to step up my game.

[Tryptophan]

I'm so sick of you.

I can't wait for you to get out of my life.

My brain is so tired of thinking of you.

When are you gonna leave?

Please don't text me.

Don't call me.

Don't tell me you love me.

I don't want your words to mean anything to me anymore.

Please find someone else that does care about you.

Someone that cares enough to be with you.

I wish you would just disappear.

Or burn in hell.

Or move to Africa, Europe, Asia! Who knows!

Just go away.

I don't need you.

I hate being this dependent on you for my happiness.

Go away.

 

PLEASE.

[Tryptophan]

I miss you so much. I wonder if you're sleeping. I want to hold you in my arms again until you fall asleep like I used to so you wouldn't have nightmares.

 

I hate these moments. I wish I didn't need you this much. I hate myself for needing you.

 

I'm glad I deleted my FB or I would be checking on you like a maniac again. Don't wanna know what's going on in your life. Ever since I don't know what goes on, I feel so much better. At least I don't feel angry anymore.

 

F you and your life. I wish I didn't miss you.

[Tryptophan]

Last night was so pathetic. Went to sleep thinking of you and nearly crying. I hate those nights and today I woke up thinking of you. I feel so helpless. I feel really food today and I felt really good yesterday too but the thought of you just makes me feel like crap.

 

It's like the thought of you is fighting my inner strength that's trying to help me move on. What's wrong with me?

[Tryptophan]

Still on my mind. Trying to stuff done at work but I can't seem to concentrate. You keep popping up in my head like a disease. I'm trying to force myself to work, think straight, or work on the articles but it just gives me a migraine to try to fight them. I didn't get much sleep last night either. Went to bed late and woke up too early. Can't complain, at least I'm sleeping now unlike in the beginning. Don't wanna go back to those days so I just need to force myself to stick NC. I hope you learn to accept that I'm not coming back to you and don't text me.

 

Find someone else! I never thought I would say that but it just seems that's the only thing that will keep you away. I don't want you to be available for me or it'll always bother me that I can't work on my issues. Don't be so loyal. I wasn't. If you don't find someone else, I'll always blame myself for ruining what we had.

 

I hope I can get something done before I leave work. Would suck to get fired but at the moment, not even that seems to set the fight-or-flight mode of concentration. I don't feel motivated at all. Can't believe it's already Wednesday. You know Thursdays suck but I can't wait for Friday. I got a lot of things planned for the weekend so I hope I don't mess them up with my thoughts.

 

I'm so frustrated with myself. I didn't think it would be this hard.

[Tryptophan]

It sucks that for most of our relationship, I was relatively indifferent to your feelings. I wish I could have been more reciprocal about the things you would say to me. However, I was too busy overanalyzing them to notice how much they meant to you. I will always wonder if you resent me for that but I really hope you don't. Most of what we had was valuable and no matter what things are like years from now, I will always cherish the times we had together. I will probably also learn to appreciate the importance of getting through this break-up. Though it hurts now that we are apart, I know that ultimately it is only a test of my strength, willpower, and endurance. To someone who has always been goal-oriented and determined, which is what I hope to regain soon, this is merely a challenge.

 

It is a challenge that I am willing to accept if it means I will have peace. Ever since we broke-up, it has felt as if I could not live with or without you. I never understood that U2 song as well as I do now. I couldn't be with you because it hurt me; you don't know how toxic repressed anger can be. Not being able to talk about it was like swallowing poison and just waiting for that moment of death and it never came and yet, it stayed in the back of my mind. I was just waiting. Once I let go of you, it felt like my world came crashing down - without you. It was a feeling of anger towards me, you and her. A feeling of sadness for not being there with you. A feeling of confusion because I didn't know if I was doing the right thing or if I would regret it - I don't. Most of all, it was fear. Fear of what would come next, would you run to her? Would you run back to me and make it even harder on me? Would I be able to cope? And it made me even doubt my decision; I asked myself, would I have to run back to you?

 

It has been a storm. I hope you don't think this has been easy on me. It hasn't. Though I feel relieved to be away from the situation that produced immeasurable anger in me, I also keep wondering what could have been of us had I not been this jealous. I have even begun to doubt the jealousy itself. Was it really that? Or was it even love? The more I think about it, the more I begin to believe that I just saw you as a precious possession that I did not wish to share with anyone else. If I thought of you as a human being, why would I have the double-standards I did? Now that I reflect upon my behavior and yours, I notice that I never actually cared about how you felt. I don't remember ever asking how you felt or what you needed from me. You never seemed to want anything from me either, just my love. And even that I had trouble giving. Your love was selfless, all about serving me. It's as if I thought of you as a means to an end - my happiness. But was it you that made me happy or simply the thought of having someone there for me all the time? As I was reading one of the books that I have found comfort in reading in the last few days, I read something that described my exact reactions to how I acted towards you. It just makes me think that perhaps my problems of "uncontrollable jealousy" go beyond the scope of our relationship.

 

Or maybe I'm overthinking again and rambling. This is how confused I am.

 

Confusion is always better than crying.

[Tryptophan]

I know I'm not supposed to miss you but I can't help it.

So many things to do today and you keep popping up in my head.

I miss you.

[Tryptophan]

Life is good. That previous post was a pathetic moment which I got over with fairly quickly. I still have my moments but I'm good now. I feel motivated and have achieved so many things at work today; got an hour to go. Something gave me incredible energy today and have even been texting A back and forth a lot. We met up for lunch and he is a good guy, made me laugh a lot. That felt strange since it's been quite a while since I've laughed that much.

 

Looking forward to Friday night and the rest of the weekend.

Listening to some RHCP, reminds me of an old ex because we used to listen to them and sing along together - good times. I have been trying to think of everyone in my life to get you out of my head. It's working. I have been reflecting on my past and trying to make a list of the things I should work on. I am looking forward to the future now. Can't believe I felt like dying not long ago. What was I thinking?

 

I hope you're this happy too. Cheers.

 

With her, without her. With someone else. I don't give a damn anymore. NC is great. I have lost count of the days but I changed my number so at least I'm not looking forward to hearing from you. Don't want to.

[Tryptophan]

I took the day off today and got so much done. I received some really good news in the morning and had no one to share them with, as usual. I was so motivated and happy and I just wanted to know that you were too so I went and checked on you. I must have thought it was a way of sharing. I wish I hadn't checked. I'm so stupid. I hate myself, and now I'm crying. Why can't I get over you?

 

I feel emotionally, physically, and psychologically drained already. I just want you out of my head and out of my life, but I get moments where I wish I had you back. And that's when I lose it. I have no control over my actions, I miss you so much.

[Tryptophan]

I've lost count of how much I think of you. I'll be doing things, laughing, exercising, eating, showering, and I catch myself thinking of you. Have even been waking up at night and the first thing there is you. When is this going to change?

 

It's sickening.

[cdalton17]

I've lost count of how much I think of you. I'll be doing things, laughing, exercising, eating, showering, and I catch myself thinking of you. Have even been waking up at night and the first thing there is you. When is this going to change?

 

It's sickening.

 

It does get sickening, I for the first time woke up 4am from a dream of her last night. Usually I take tylenol pm's or I am just tired, Last night I actually woke up form a dream of her.. ugh.. I never started counting on her thoughts in me. But I feel that the thoughts power are fading, not the frequency, but the highteness of them, they dont seem so surreal anymore. Just becoming thoughts now I guess, Hard to explain. Been 6 weeks now, Going on 7. So my wanting to contact her all the time is fading as well. They will always be apart of us. no matter who left who. We all hurt and hopefully all grow from it to become better partners for the next one to come into our lifes...

[Tryptophan]

Yeah it has gone down from being there all the time. Then it decreased. Broke NC because he initiated contact, so thoughts increased again. I'm to blame in a way for not ignoring but it's always the same. It fades then it goes up again but it's also because I keep checking his FaceBook when I want to know how he's doing. Again, I'm to blame but I'm gaining more control over it. At least I can listen to music now.

 

I did have some dreams about him last night as well. Woke up crying then went back to sleep and had nightmares. It's crazy.

[Tryptophan]

I feel like I'm dragging myself through the day now. I don't want to do anything but be with you and I wonder when that feeling is gonna go away. I don't want to feel like I need you to get myself together anymore. The NC that I started last week was helping but now I feel like it's doing more harm than good, but that's just in my head; NC is the best thing I could do for both of us. I know contacting you feels like a selfish reason to know that you're still available and not running to someone else though so I'm gonna stick to my guns and leave you alone. I feel like part of me is missing again, and the tears just keep coming.

 

I hate being around people now and I hate being on my own. I was with some guy over the weekend and I just kept wishing it was you so I can't even date because whoever it is, it's not you. I just wish I could be with you without all this hurt coming back. I feel like I'm damned with you and damned without you. I don't know which one feels worse now but I just want to be in your arms again. Last night I kept dreaming of you, and kept waking up in the middle of the night to find myself staying up thinking of you. Every time I wake up at night, I think of you and I hate it. I want to live again. This is bad.

[Tryptophan]

If ever words were spoken, painful and untrue

I said I loved but I lied. In my life, all I wanted was the keeping of someone like you.

As it turns out, deeper within me, love was twisted and pointed at you.

 

Never ending pain, quickly ending life --

 

You keep this love,

 

I'd been the tempting one

Stole her from herself

This gift in pain

Her [your] pain was life

And sometimes I feel so sorry

I regret this the hurting of you

But you make me so unhappy

I'd take my life and leave love with you

 

I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself --

 

No more head trips

 

Yet another song that reminds me of you.