Tanzi Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 After having just read (and posted) on a thread relating to this matter I have been inspired to start this thread. It is something I have wondered for some time. I would really like to know what people really think of AGRs. Would you consider a 15 year age gap too much? I know general opinion on this forum is "age doesn't matter, as long as you are happy" but is it really no big deal or do the vast majority of society think it is disgusing or weird? More importantly (to me), is it less socially acceptable for the woman to be the older one? My bf is 15 years younger than me and even though this is no longer a problem for us I can't help but wonder what society really thinks. It seems that it would be more acceptable if the man were the older one. My bf's mother seems to have accepted our age gap but I can't help thinking that is because she thinks it is just a phase he is going through. As a parent how would you feel if your 27 year old son were to come home with his 42 year old gf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I can't say for certain until I'm actually in that situation. But I think I'd be furious if my son was, say, under 25. Over the age of 25, a 15 year gap isn't such a big deal. I'd be more upset if it was my daughter, so for me the double standard goes the other way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I will admit, when I see two people who have a large age difference in a relationship I do make certain assumptions (gold digger and dirty old man for example). I don't see anything wrong with a woman dating a younger man, BUT when there is a large age gap my gut assumption in that assumptions is "She is trying to relive her youth and he is looking for a sugar mama." Logically I know that not all AGR are like this but these are my first gut reactions. I try hard to remind myself that sometimes you just can't help at what stage in life you meet your soul mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 At 27 (although I'm that age now) my son is old enough to make his own decisions about who he dates. Of course, I'd prefer that he dated someone within his age range, but I also know that everybody doesn't find love the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 If he was 27 I might not be too concerned. However if my son was like 19 with some older like 30,40 or higher I would have IMMENSE reservations about that. I make no comment on other people's age gap relationship because it is not my business, but if it is MY child, then I think it is my business. I do not want him taken advantage of at a young age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Some very interesting views, thank you. I think, from my bf's mothers point of view, she isn't worried about the age gap so much as the issue with having children. My bf has never wanted children of his own but that is something he has never discussed with her so she is totally unaware of that. To be honest I doubt I would be very pleased if my daughter's were to date someone much older but at least having children (should they want to of course) won't be so much of an issue. Double standards, I know, but that said I wouldn't be negative as regards the relationship. I hope that I would big enough to be supportive despite my reservations. I would have to be wouldn't I, considering my own situation? I've been critical of age gap relationships in the past, assuming that they won't last. Now I find myself in one and wonder just how critical everyone is of us. I can honestly say that I am not trying to relive my youth and he isn't after a mother figure. My bf certainly isn't someone who is attracted to older women and he was totally unaware that I was much older than him when we first met. It is something that just happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 No matter what kind of relationship you are in there will be people judging you. Don't let those people get you down. If you are happy, not hurting anyone, not breaking the law, and have a healthy relationship, keep to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generaldiscord Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 It really depends on which society you're in. If you're super duper rich jetsetters, nobody will care. If you're barely surviving and exist in the lowest social strata, nobody will care. If you're upper middle class, people will notice. If you're middle class, people will make comments. If you're blue collar, people will point and laugh in the most cruel way. BUT, it all depends on so many factors that it's useless to try to break them all down. Personally, I look at you, and I see someone who is dating a boy young enough to literally be her son. Oddly, it doesn't really disturb me at all, but I like thinking into the future, and saying... aww, when he's thirty, she'll be 45! When he's forty, she'll be 55! When he's 60, she'll be 75! And then I make up scenarios where people get mistaken for other people and uncles are younger than their nephews. But I'm not disturbed. I have a male friend with a young girlfriend. He's around 45 now, and she's in her late twenties. When they go dancing, people wonder if her daddy isn't looking at her a bit strangely, but that's because she looks young for her age. From afar, it's not only disturbing, it's so disgusting that I don't know what to think. From close up, she's mature, they're in love, and they make a great couple. Socially, they have trouble making new friends, but they have no problems keeping them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wager Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Greetings, Blue! I would like to weigh in to your discussion with two points - the first addressing your interest in what people at large think of age-gap-relationships. My feeling echoes what most others have said here; it depends a great deal on the ages (more so for me at the heart of the issue than even the gap is the minimum age of the parties, then the maximum age, then the actual gap, in order of priority). In most cases, I would prefer to see the younger person 28 or older to feel comfortable that they know what they are doing and have the capacity and maturity to handle such a relationship - but there are exceptions to every case and ultimately, it's just none of my business, anyway. Which brings me to the other point I wished to make. I am not sure if you are confident and comfortable in your current state of affairs (and I certainly hope you are), but if you are not, for what it is worth, I think many people in any variation of a relationship, from the most conventional to the least, worry how they appear to others and what the world thinks of them - yet, to paraphrase an adage I have always appreciated - you wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you knew how infrequently they did it. There may be people who judge you poorly or harshly, but this is a reflection of their own personal issues, I believe, almost uniformly. What matters - all that matters, when it comes down to it, is what you think, what you know, and how you feel about it. I hope your query is pure curiosity, and that people are not hassling you in your happy couplehood, but if the latter is so, I further hope you take comfort in knowing that there are plenty of people in your situation, and even more that do or would support you and root for happiness and love conquering all. I know I do. All the best, Wager Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Personally, I look at you, and I see someone who is dating a boy young enough to literally be her son. Oddly, it doesn't really disturb me at all, but I like thinking into the future, and saying... aww, when he's thirty, she'll be 45! When he's forty, she'll be 55! When he's 60, she'll be 75! And then I make up scenarios where people get mistaken for other people and uncles are younger than their nephews. But I'm not disturbed. Well I would have only been 15 if I were old enough to be his mother ... though it is possible, of course. I have been through all the scenarios with my bf. The 60:75 ratio is the one that really gets me. However, he told me not to worry and that he sees us as equals now and always will. He thinks we don't look odd or as though there is an obvious age gap and that will continue to be the case and we will to grow older together. I certainly don't get mistaken for his mother at the moment and he doesn't think I ever will. I am happy with that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thank you for your post wager. I am confident now. However I had concerns in the beginning. Mainly the affects of the age gap in the future. Every so often these concerns come creeping back but we have been together for a year now and, for the most part, I am now totally unaware of the age gap. You are right, why would anyone overly worry about our age gap? Why would they really care? No-one has had any strong opinions as regard our situation ... not my parents, not his parents, not friends. I am sure they may have opinions but they haven't felt a need to express them to us. I appreciate your support nevertheless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 No matter what kind of relationship you are in there will be people judging you. Don't let those people get you down. If you are happy, not hurting anyone, not breaking the law, and have a healthy relationship, keep to it. Thank you Moontiger. I intend to keep to it. I am too far into it now to be able to give up on us, especially over something that may never be an issue for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wager Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 My pleasure! And while I hope you do not have to deal with anyone thinking or sharing unpleasant, much less strongly felt unpleasant, opinions on your relationship with you and your beau, if it were to happen, I assure you, it will tell you far more about them than anything they could enlighten you about regarding your relationship. Life is short and love is rare and neither should be compromised for even a moment by the bitter, small-minded carping of people who do not know you or your relationship better than you do. Take great care! Wager Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I always date men a lot younger, and they dont last. My ex husband was 8 years younger, and it lasted 10 years. I like dating younger, but I now have the mind set they're just boy toys, and not keepers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Marley Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I'm in an AGR (10 years) and I am older. I think his mother had issues with it and also worried about children, but we married and have a baby now. Most of the time people don't even know since I look a little younger and he looks a little older. Never had anything to do with mommy figures or recapturing youth. It just happened. Most of the time we are unaware of the age gap. I'm sure there are some people out there being judgmental about it, but I honestly don't care what they think. My advice to you is not to worry so far into the future (the 75 vs 60, etc). I used to worry about that stuff too, but it's pointless. ALL relationships will have their problems, all of them. Just work on being happy together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Life is short and love is rare and neither should be compromised for even a moment This is so, so true! I always date men a lot younger, and they dont last. My ex husband was 8 years younger, and it lasted 10 years. I like dating younger, but I now have the mind set they're just boy toys, and not keepers Can I ask what makes you date younger? I don't date younger as a rule. In fact I have avoided younger guys in the past. This is something that just happened. My head was telling me not to get involved. All I could see was this ending in pain but, unfortunately, my heart was already one step ahead. My advice to you is not to worry so far into the future (the 75 vs 60, etc). I used to worry about that stuff too, but it's pointless. ALL relationships will have their problems, all of them. Just work on being happy together. Thank you Elaine. For the most part I don't worry about it anymore. In the very beginning, when I realised the intensity of our feelings, it was something I thought about constantly. I was in such conflict with myself but after having been married and divorced I know there are no guarantees in life. That is a long way off and anything can happen between now and then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 It seems to me that society can "accept" up to a 10 year gap. Anymore and you will get some disapproval. I don't know...in the recent past, I used to be more militant about gaining acceptance. Now my father accepts me and my boyfriend. It was a lot to swallow that I was with someone older than he was but his stance is "As long as you're happy." That's all I could ask for from my father. I get the "daddy issue" comment all the time but I'm starting to really not give a crap. What does that even mean..."daddy issues". No one is in my shoes but I. I love my boyfriend and see him as my equal partner, despite him pushing 60. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 It seems to me that society can "accept" up to a 10 year gap. Anymore and you will get some disapproval. I don't know...in the recent past, I used to be more militant about gaining acceptance. Now my father accepts me and my boyfriend. It was a lot to swallow that I was with someone older than he was but his stance is "As long as you're happy." That's all I could ask for from my father. I get the "daddy issue" comment all the time but I'm starting to really not give a crap. What does that even mean..."daddy issues". No one is in my shoes but I. I love my boyfriend and see him as my equal partner, despite him pushing 60. Ok, I know this is way off topic but your boyfriend looks just like Ernesto Cardenal when he was younger. That's cool! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 hahaha I didn't know who he was so I googled him. Wow, B looks just like him! Cute! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Oh, he's such a brilliant poet, political activist, artist, former cultural minister and theologian. I saw him speak a while back and he had such a great sense of humor. He said he now has a sexual relationship with God. What??? Lol... The audience was like, "um... awkward". I think he's the hottest old guy out there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katheriny Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 In terms of social acceptance. AGRs are no different from same-sex relatioships. Both of them are just a kind of relationships, but somehow society has a lower degree of acceptance towards them. I am in the field of early childhood education so I deal with different kinds of families all the time. So really, different forms of relationships are fine with me. But I really feel sad for some of these families for the prejudice that they experienced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trolleycar Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 I am in a AGR and LDR. When we first started this Relationship I was worried about the AGR as I am 70 and my Girl friend 35 and has a young daughter. I was the one that was apprehensive. Now my girl friend She had the idea that Age was just a number. What really floored me was the folks in my community did not see any thing out of the ordinary in our relationship. we have been going to gather for about ten months. And It seems to me now the age issue on longer even a talking point for us. The biggest thing on my mind is how will me girl friend's daughter take to me. and my girl friend told me that her daughter wants to know when they are going to the states and moving with me. The daughter also wants to know when her mother and I are going to get married. So I think I am safe with the daughter. It also look like my girl friend's mother is not to jack out line about us. It looks like a win win Relationship. My Girl friend's mother has only one stipulation that we come accross the pond to visit. and we told her we would come to visit for Christmas Holidays. I told her that she should come to the states to visit us for the week of the Fourth of July. For a good old American Fourth. As she is English I felt a little dig was in order. As far what the rest of the world thinks about us we could care less. In fact if we play our cards right we can that fun with the age gap. As they say if you get lemons you make Lemon Aid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeDuh Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I think if my son or daughter were in an age gap relationship I would not mind, my only concern would be the quality of the person at any age and motivations, but once someone is 18 even your own child you are an adult and need to take responsibility of your own decisions. I think its great if people were more accepting, its not always the case, but as long as the relationship is a good one who cares who lives where, how old you and your partner is and such. Congrats on finding someone good no matter their age! and ive seen 40 year olds immature as anyone and im 21 and ready to settle down, so it may be rare but adults are adults under late 20s too! btw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 Congrats on finding someone good no matter their age! and ive seen 40 year olds immature as anyone and im 21 and ready to settle down, so it may be rare but adults are adults under late 20s too! btw Thank you. When my ex-husband left I wondered what on earth I had done so wrong that I had lost my babies' their daddy. My youngest had only just turned two and for ages I felt incredibly guilty for failing them. Now, however, I wonder what on earth I have done so right to be sent this amazing person. Honestly, women half their age would give their right arm to be with him and, in fact, I did offend a few such young ladies when we first got together. Why should I give up on that? I can't give up on that. As regards our maturity levels, I think we meet somewhere in the middle and there isn't anything that feels wrong about our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntress0527 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Maturity doesn't necessarily come with age. I have always been told I'm an "old" young person meaning I was pretty mature for my age and grounded. If your levels match whether you're both 20 or 20/40 then the age doesn't seem to be an issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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