Fundamental questions about breakups and self..

[Brandell]

.. how many of you feel that the way we react to breakups is dictated by the hurt we are carrying around with us from the past?

 

In other words are we reacting to the hurt only from the breakup or are we reacting to the pain from our past too? I am of the opinion that maybe what makes breakups so painful is not always entirely just that we have lost someone we love but that the breakup trigger emotions and feelings within us that can stem back even to childhood, even back to the relationship we had with our parents.

 

thoughts?

[jasminebose]

Very true Brandell. I think a lot of people who come from broken homes have abandonment issues that are triggered by break ups. We feel the same sadness, lack of belief in the world and 'aloneness'. Even arguments within a relationship can trigger this reaction in me (like 'are you going to leave me now?!'). Thats why breakups are so hard to deal with.

JZ

[if only]

When I was younger I always wanted to belong in a good group of friends and to always have one best friend that was there for me. I was always searching and because of this never found that best friend.

 

When I met my ex I finally belonged, we done everything together. When we ended i was most worried about being alone and not having someone there for me.

 

Now I have excepted this and realise that is what was making it so hard I have a huge group of friends and dont feel alone.

[sweetione]

I agree totally. I have major abandonment issues since my parents left me when i was young. I wish i knew how to get over this. But I know that breakups affect me so much harder than anyone else I know.

[sayer7]

I'm just beginning to go through the stages of healing of a break-up and I think you're very right. The interesting thing is that because of the rockiness of my relationship during the last year, I've had lots of time to deeply reanalyze my life. I think because I was analyzing my fears and my insecurities about the relationship for so long before I called it quits, the break-up isn't as awful as I thought it would be so far unlike past break-ups where I was devastated and went into deep depression.

 

It also helps that I think I've grown-up while analyzing my issues, insecurities and fears of childhood and other past relationships and so I might be better able to handle this break-up....

 

We'll see if I'm right.

[Vert]

My breakup with my ex-gf was my first from a long term relationship. She was my first serious girlfriend and I was her first serious boyfriend so this has been extremely difficult. I've always had a big fear of being rejected, and now that it's hit me I understand what you all are saying. I did not come from divorced parents, but her father was divorced once.

 

Sayer, I wish I could have had that time to reanalyze the situation I was in. I really had no idea she felt that way until she handed me back the ring.

[sayer7]

Big hugs to you hon...

 

It's really never too late to analyze ways that you could have done things different and make a committment to change for the better the next time you're in a relationship.

 

Unfortunately for me, things were so bad for so long I had plenty of time to think. I was always the one trying to make things better. I think a year ago I had a bad feeling it was a dead-end relationship so I started trying to have serious talks with my bf, but he didn't want to have serious talks.

 

Clear some time away for you to spend some time on bettering yourself each day...work out, do something you've always wanted to do but haven't gotten around to it. It'll help you heal and discover more about yourself.

 

Hugs again!!

[Katheelynn]

I have to say that my reactions to a breakup are a mixture of my experiences and my upbringing, mixed with a self image of myself and self worth...in my case, I have had a negative self image my whole life...my ex hubby did everything he could to build up my self image...he actually got me almost convinced I was very attractive and brilliant...when we divorced I stepped back a full 16 years worth...now I had old age to mix into that low self image, plus 2 teen age kids I am raising alone...so, to make a long answer short, I do feel we have many contributing factors that play a role in our handling a breakup.

[Vert]

Sayer, I guess I should say that it was not completely without warning signs. For the past year she would usually avoid telling me what was on her mind and kept growing more distant. The reason why I usually disregarded this was due to the fact that she would come back the next day or so and tell me how much she loved me and how she couldn't live without me. I asked her about marriage in February and she completely flipped out on me saying she wasn't ready and not to buy a ring. I really should have seen that as a total negative, but we talked it out and she said she was just scared. I should have seen at the time that she didn't want to be with me, but was just comfortable. By the end of this summer, I thought she had come around and was warming up to marriage. I guess I was wrong....

 

Thanks for the hugs! Here's one back .