"3 times a week, that's a lot!"

[Firiel]

The odds of a girl being unable to loosen her muscles enough to have decent sex even with the help of physical and psychological therapy are very small. You could also choose not to get married to someone because they may get into a terrible accident and be unable to have sex for the rest of his/her life, but the odds are low enough that it's not something you really consider.

[vilos]

OK. I'll tell that to the 3 women I can think of off the top of my head who are incapable of inserting an average-sized or larger penis, even after years of counseling.

I hope that will change everything for them and they will FINALLY get to enjoy normal sex.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, also remember that the complete opposite might apply. Many people are convinced they'll hate sex, that they'll be terrible at it, etc. but they realize after finally having sex (or after finally having sex with the right person) that their concerns were unfounded.

I've known plenty of girls who were disgusted by the thought of sex as virgins but did a complete 180 after they became sexually active, as well as sexually active girls who hated sex because they had only been with incompatitble partners, and upon finding the right guy changed their opinions.

[Firiel]

Then you know a statistically unlikely number of women who suffer from vaginismus.

 

Vaginismus is not a common problem. It affects fewer than two percent of women in the United States.

link removed

 

And that's all women who have it, including those that can overcome it with counseling and/or physical therapy.

[Day_Walker]

If you want to have sex more than three times a week then this girl isnt for you.

[Fudgie]

No pre-martial sex or not, I think it's very clear already that you guys are NOT going to have the same sex drives.

 

You think it's fine 3x a week and healthy. She thinks it's "a lot". Plus she wants to wait til marriage. She's definitely on the low end.

 

I wouldn't marry her if I were you.

[dr_styles]

I'm still a virgin as well so that would mean I can't say for sure either, but I know I like masturbating

[DrKitten]

You've made several thread about how your girlfriend is uncomfortable about sex, doesn't know very much about sex organs, masturbation, sexual desire, etc. Even if you marry her, that stuff isn't going to go away. If you expect any kind of decent sex life, it's probably not going to be with her.

[The Archer]

OP I’m sorry but I have to agree with a Vilos in that waiting until after marriage to have sex is a bad idea.

I’m a fairly intuitive guy, sensitive to my environment most of the time. I don’t always get it right but most of the time I can guess how someone is feeling better than most seem to be able to. However I don’t think I could ever predict sexual compatibility between myself and a particular woman without a sexual relationship with that woman and I don’t think any amount of verbal communication would work around this.

 

Others on this forum are saying with detailed conversation and close relationship etc they could come to predict sexual compatibility. I’m very sceptical of this to say the least.

I think with such an approach you could perhaps get a 50/50 chance of things working out sexually. Maybe even a 90% chance? Depends are honest you both are and how good your communication is around sex.

 

But there will still remain a chance of unworkable differences and in my opinion the only possible way to get a 98% chance of things working out for you sexually is to have a regular sex life with your partner. This and also good communication on the subject.

 

Also I don’t understand why anyone would wait until marriage to find out if they are sexually compatible with their partner? Religious reasons perhaps? It really is quite risky.

Sex is not something to base a relationship around but neither is love, emotional connection, common interests, trust, respect etc. None of these things will make a relationship work in isolation. It takes a whole heap of things coming together.

 

I bad sexual aspect to your relationship will undermine your relationship as surely as a lack of trust or respect.

There’s a reason why sex is such an emotional topic of conversation: it’s a very emotion part of a relationship. There’s no part of your day that wont be effected by your sexual relationship with your partner.

[dr_styles]

You've made several thread about how your girlfriend is uncomfortable about sex, doesn't know very much about sex organs, masturbation, sexual desire, etc. Even if you marry her, that stuff isn't going to go away. If you expect any kind of decent sex life, it's probably not going to be with her.

 

It might not be apparent in the threads but it has improved a lot over time. The trend always seems to be going well, going well, going well, then something like this suddenly comes up and confuses things.

[_Asti_]

Is she waiting for marriage for religious reasons? If not, maybe get to the bottom as to why she's not open about sex, discussing sex, learning about sex, etc. There may be some real issues here.

 

And you said, you don't mind waiting unless you're waiting for nothing. Well guess what? You will only find this out when its too late, when you're already married. Thats a HUGE gamble, especially if your reasons for waiting for marriage is THIS girl. Not marriage or your beliefs. What if when she does get married, she's still shying away from discussing sex and performing sexual acts with you?

[Fudgie]

I'd be willing to bet money that if you marry her, nothing will change.

 

Those who are uncomfortable and prudish when it comes to sexual topics do not turn into sex kittens suddenly once they are married. Marriage is just a ring, a paper, and a promise. It doesn't change you as soon as you sign them.

 

I've heard of far too many stories of men who marry women who they suspect may have low sex drives. Men think "well after marriage we can hav sex so she will want to." Wrong. They end up miserable or divorced.

 

Don't do this to yourself.

[Calvin68]

I know people have their beliefs, but I cannot possibly advise more adamantly against waiting until marriage to have sex. It is an EXTREMELY foolish gamble.

What if she's horrible in bed and has no will to improve? What if you don't even fit? There are so many possible negative outcomes, but once you make that legal commitment, you're stuck.

 

An equally foolish gamble is waiting until you are married and hoping that you are sexually compatible.

[dr_styles]

I'm pretty sure I won't be getting sucked into marriage unless I'm sure (or tricked/baited ... I might be a sucker now and elsewhere, but not for that one.

 

It looks like the cycle has just run again. Things were pretty good, pretty normal for a no-sex relationship. She even just cheekily initiated a what she called a "10-minute kissing session" because that was the time before I had to leave. So the shock this time? A friend recently got married and along the way I've cracked the odd sexual connotation or inference to them doing it, which she's taken in her stride, occasionally teasing me back. But in the last regular good nite convo she genuinely asked whether I thought "marriage was a license to have sex?", or on a different angle, whether it was normal for couples to have sex within the first few days after getting married ... needless to say I was speechless. It's waiting for marriage, then some more! It was clear I was stunned too so she asked again for me to tell her what I think, and all I could manage was brutally honest "if a person doesn't feel like having sex even after getting married then something is seriously wrong".

As far as I know, even religious (or not) people waiting for marriage, even people who say they don't know till they do it, all still *want* to have sex in the first days (if not first night) with their newlywed spouse. Not to mention consummating the marriage. If that basic bit of desire is not there then I don't know what to say.

 

After that the conversation was just dead obvious to both of us so we wrapped it up and said good nite. Coincidentally I think the couple upstairs are having sex right now, sigh.

[Tryptophan]

She's nuts but you shouldn't have answered with that. Maybe you should have said something along the lines of, "If you marry someone, it's because you want all of them, including physically... not just the emotional aspect of the relationship". To me, you aren't truly with someone unless you make sweet love to them. Man, it's part of coming together as a couple. How can you desire/want/love someone and not physically want to be with them? You might as well marry your best friend if marriage doesn't include a physical component. Marriage without sex? Who came up with that? She must really love being a virgin.

 

Why are so many women like this! I don't get it.

 

As far as the quote goes, I think she might just be inexperienced. Once she has sex, she might really enjoy it and change her mind a little. However, if she has a specific mindset about sex like some people who find sex "dirty" and don't allow themselves to enjoy it then it might mean that she isn't ever gonna have sex too often. It depends on how she was raised. Some people are just born to be sexually repressed. Does she always think about sex this way? And by that I mean, making sexually-repressed comments.

 

 

I'd be willing to bet money that if you marry her, nothing will change.

 

Those who are uncomfortable and prudish when it comes to sexual topics do not turn into sex kittens suddenly once they are married.

 

 

Couldn't have put it better myself.

[Firiel]

It really does sound like you two are incompatible. She sounds like she has a lot of preconceived notions about sex that she isn't willing to discuss or even think about, and it's understandable that would be a deal breaker to you. Have you asked her if she ever feels sexually aroused? Her response to that question says a lot. If she gets all embarrassed and refuses to talk about it, she's obviously immature enough that she can't even deal with discussing aspects of being human. If she says no, you've got a big problem. But if she discusses it with you honestly and openly and says she does have urges that she doesn't want to act on yet, maybe there's still hope.

 

About her talk about no sex after marriage... it's quite possibly crazy super-virgin talk. BUT she may be scared of the pain. A lot of girls are scared that sex will hurt and that they'll just have to do it anyway and hate it. I know when I got married (was a virgin) even though it hurt like all get-out (and I've competed in heptathlons on broken legs... I'm no wimp), I did it anyway under the logic that it was obviously going to be awful the first time anyway... I might as well get it over with. Looking back, I wish I had waited for awhile and done... well... other things to prepare myself for it physically because it's taken some time to get over the emotional effects of that awful first week of sex.

 

But again, it's sounding more and more like she is just not mature enough to treat the issue of sex like reality.

[dr_styles]

I was actually thinking of your post earlier and reckon she's like your sister. It really does seem like she just doesn't know.

my sister (while engaged, no less) still didn't even quite understand how it all "worked."

[dr_styles]

Have you asked her if she ever feels sexually aroused? Her response to that question says a lot. If she gets all embarrassed and refuses to talk about it, she's obviously immature enough that she can't even deal with discussing aspects of being human. If she says no, you've got a big problem. But if she discusses it with you honestly and openly and says she does have urges that she doesn't want to act on yet, maybe there's still hope.

 

Not that question specifically but in previous "serious discussions" (attempts) were questions about whether she's ever felt horny and masturbated ["No ... what is it?"], and upfront whether she felt she had a sex drive ["I think I do"]. On their own, each answer is believable. I've seen those snippets about women who never feel like masturbating (but they knew what it was at least!) and the sex drive one went into the "don't know never done it before" bucket. Except putting it together even she said a full on Yes I'm not sure I could believe her because I would think having a sex drive leads us as immature teens or whatever in looking up those "sex concepts" which she obviously seems to be missing?

 

 

She's nuts but you shouldn't have answered with that. Maybe you should have said something along the lines of, "If you marry someone, it's because you want all of them, including physically... not just the emotional aspect of the relationship".

 

I have to answer otherwise she'll claim I'm not being open and upfront in general, in conversation. The bit about no sex immediately after marriage I didn't mean to convey as she never wants sex, but another tick in the "no sex drive" box. How can you claim to have a sex drive but not even want to have sex with your newlywed spouse? I'm pretty sure this particular one falls outside the "never done it, don't know box" because by now even all those waiters do it.

 

Now that it's a hot topic again I'm sure it's going to come up in our talk again and I'm just lost for words.