1 year on...pain, anguish, and CLOSURE! finally

[Decado]

"Sometime it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..."

 

OUCH!!! yes it does darn well hurt.

 

This is a bit of a long-winded rant...

 

I'm 22 and the first love of my life, let's call him Tom, and i broke up 1 year ago. I have been unsuccessfully trying to get over him for this year. We were best friends before we got together and i miss him a lot.

 

He has been contacting me periodically throughout that time which has made it incredibly difficult to get him out of my head! I was loving the attention. It would be like we were together again but without any physical relationship...chatting all the time, being happy and laughing. I would start getting my hopes up majorly and he'd have me thinking:

 

"maybe he wants to get back together" "maybe he still loves me" etc

 

...and every time it would end up with me at square 1 and i'd have to tell him that i still cared for him and then he'd stop messaging.

 

the circumstances of our break up were somewhat strange. We were together for a month (yeh i know it's short but we were SO close!) and then he went back home to Northern Ireland for christmas. In case you hadn't figured out, we were a gay couple. He wasn't out to anyone but he seemed pretty comfortable with it.

 

After he came back from home, he seemed to have lost something. He never acted the same toward me. then 2 weeks later, he broke up with me. It was because of this i always thought the break-up was circumstantial, that he got a culture shock from home and didn't think he could accept being gay.

 

 

So anyway, he got in contact with me again a couple of weeks ago. and we were texting for 3 days. I, as usual, got my hopes up. And it ended in the same way. Yesterday, however, i sent a LONG drunken text. Saying that i still loved him and missed him. He started talking to me on facebook and we established that there were 3 options:

 

1. Become just friends again - I decided this couldnt be an option. It was getting in the way of my life. I failed an assessment in my course because i couldnt stop thinking about him. I would just keep getting hurt over and over again.

 

2. Get back together - he said no. I asked him before for closure and he wouldnt give it to me...he was really fuzzy and woolly about it. But this time he actually said NO...It's over. I finally feel i can move on with my life! A very bitter victory.

 

3. Break complete contact - He said he didnt want to say goodbye. He said he wanted to be friends. But this was the only option left. I loved chatting to him again but it was affecting my health. So this is what happened. He seemed pretty upset and reluctant but i had to do it.

 

throughout this chat, i was in floods of tears. it just ended:

 

Me: "goodbye Tom"

Tom: "goodbye Dec"

 

...and that's it.

 

I feel awful now but now know that i can back on my own 2 feet and stay on them!

 

I can fall in love with someone again. Someone i'll love even more. Someone whole love me back. who will be even nicer, kinder and more lovable.

 

I'm free.

[SapphireNoir10]

Keep strong. You've done the right thing and no contact is good.