miie Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Do you think it is appropriate for your partner to keep photos on their computer of ex's? I dont know if i should be concerned that my bf has photos of an ex from 9 years ago on his brand new less than 2 week old computer, or the fact he lied about knowing who the person was! He was showing me some photos on his computer and there were a few mixed in with what he was showing me such as half naked girls (typical man!) and a few of some girl (like personal happy snaps) and i asked who it was. When the picture was made larger, i knew it was his ex (ive seen photos before) but he told me he didnt know who it was. Why would you have 'happy snaps' of random people on your computer! Link to comment
seaashley Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I used to keep pictures of my ex boyfriend. Not because I missed him, but rather I was trying to appreciate the memories and good times that "I" had. This has recently changed. I've seen taken all his pictures and destroyed them because I don't want nothing to do with him anymore. I even destroyed pictures of myself that he took. So no, I don't know why anyone would keep pictures of an ex on their brand new computer (an old one, fine, maybe he forget to delete them... but a new one? No way. I'd look into that). That's my two cents. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Personally, I would probably be bothered if my partner kept pictures of his ex'es (as hypocritical as I may sound). However, I am well aware that most people have a past, and sometimes it's only natural to want to keep pictures/items for memories sake. I used to keep letters, cards, and items from my ex'es in my closet. In fact, I had several boxes, one for each of my ex. Although, I never took them out to look at it, I just kept them there because they were part of my past. My bf knew about it, but he never said anything to me about getting rid of them. One day I decided to take the initiative to throw them all out. Sure, I glanced through them really quick, but I thought to myself this is part of my past, and I no longer need to remember them and if I do, it'll only be from my memory. I'm in a much better place now and everything happens for a reason. In your case scenario, what would probably upset me the most is the fact that he lied and told you he didn't know who she was. If anything, he could at least be honest about it. How did you see photos of his ex in the past to know that it was indeed his ex? Link to comment
In the Dark Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I took mine off within a few months because I did not want to see her face. Sure the images were of good times but the images are of someone who changed into a person I could not be with for legitmate reasons. To me the person in those images were dead. I don't understand why he would have images of an ex from 9 years ago on a new machine. He could have placed them somewhere on a cheap external drive at least. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I would be worried about the lying but not the photos! Everyone has mementos from the past, I would hate to be expected to throw all mine out because they contained some happy snaps of an ex!! For example- I went on one of the best holidays I've ever had with my ex! We went to Egypt and I would like to be able to come accross one of those pics randomly in the future and say 'oooooh this is when we went to Egypt, I really loved it there, the beaches were beautiful and it was the first time I ever tried snorkelling'..... it's not a lament about a past with an ex, it's a memory of a good time!! The ones I did delete/ throw away were the snuggly cuddly ones (you know, the arms length, big kiss on the cheek ones), because these were memories I'd rather not look back on. Although, that was done when I was still hurting, it would have less effect on me now that there are no residual feelings left! Someone who can't stand the sight or bear the mention of their ex isn't over them- the opposite to love is indifference. Link to comment
SicFounder Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I would be very annoyed. I never keep pictures of ex's whether there were good memories or not. If you haven't already, tell him it bothers you. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 All I can say is that when I get a new computer, all the photos and all the music from the old computer go on it. I don't weed through them and pick and choose. Maybe he lied because he knew you'd give him a hard time? Doesn't make it right, but could be what's going on. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I wouldn't be annoyed, because he's not with her anymore. If you feel insecure, you should address that instead of starting an argument which has nothing to do with the actual problem. I mean, you have exes... did they stop existing? Did you delete them off all of your networks? Did you delete all the emails you had from him? Did you throw out all the pictures you'd ever taken with him? Even if you did, can you expect everybody to be that extreme? So, the actual problem. When you are secure in your relationship but not codependant, it's a very special feeling. You put an effort into being your best, but you aren't measuring yourself up against any other woman. You see your boyfriend talking to his super hot coworker in a tiny miniskirt and boots up to her knees, and your thought is along the lines of "Cute sweater, where did she get it?" He sees you laughing yourself silly over a joke your personal trainer told you, and he asks you to repeat the punchline for him. But getting to that point in a relationship takes effort. Firstly, you need to respect yourself, the way you look, and the way you behave. If there is something you legitimately don't like which can be changed easily, work on that. The other stuff, you just need to learn how to deal with that. (Everybody's thighs look fat when they sit, your nose is probably fine) Second, you need to respect your boyfriend for the things that he is, not the things that you suspect. If he hasn't cheated, if he supports you, if he doesn't give you a specific reason to be jealous, you need to trust him enough not to be jealous. If he does give you such a reason, you need to discuss with him that you're not happy with that. And thirdly, unlike every romantic comedy you've ever seen, you should never ever make somebody jealous on purpose. Read the other threads if you don't believe me. All those guys just get upset, horrified, and fall directly out of love when they feel jealous. None of them is suddenly compelled to chase after the girl and 'win' her. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Yeah, why should he keep real links to his past anyway?! He's with you now and so he doesn't need a past anymore! You'll be his EVERYTHING!!! Ugh. Stop being so insecure, people. Seriously. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 It bothers me NOT that my boyfriend has pictures of his ex gf's on his laptop and it doesn't bother him that I have pictures of my ex's. Looking at old photos of ex's feels no different to me than looking at photos of old friends who I may have lost touch with or old holiday photos with random strangers in them that I can't now remember. Whatever the photos are of they are part of a past which we can't erase and we shouldn't have to deny. Those photos arent just about our ex's they are part of who we were too. If I were to get a new laptop I would copy every single photo accross from my old one and I would expect my bf to do the same. I really wouldn't worry about it. He probably denied it because he felt awkward about admitting who she was. Silly, on his part, but not unusal. Link to comment
rustyschackelf Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Its not cool to keep pictures of an ex when you are in a new relationship. I guarantee he wouldn't like it if you had pics of your ex. Link to comment
eternalsunrise Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Do you think it is appropriate for your partner to keep photos on their computer of ex's? I dont know if i should be concerned that my bf has photos of an ex from 9 years ago on his brand new less than 2 week old computer, or the fact he lied about knowing who the person was! He was showing me some photos on his computer and there were a few mixed in with what he was showing me such as half naked girls (typical man!) and a few of some girl (like personal happy snaps) and i asked who it was. When the picture was made larger, i knew it was his ex (ive seen photos before) but he told me he didnt know who it was. Why would you have 'happy snaps' of random people on your computer! I have pictures of two of my Exs on my computer, deep in my hard drive. I don't know, I guess I could delete them. But no partner of mine would KNOW I have them. If something happened like in your situation, I wouldn't lie about it. Sure it'd be an uncomfortable moment, but I'd be open about it and tell the truth. - That opens the door for more conversation about it, though, like, "Why do you have those? Can you delete them?" That kind of thing. Sounds like your bf was avoiding that conversation with you. My last bf had pics of his Exs on his computer. I stayed out of his business and didn't ask him to delete them. One day over a year later I joked about his stash of pics in a side conversation to something else, and he offered the info out that he deleted all those. We carried on the convo like it wasn't a big deal. Cuz it's not. In your situation...I think the issue isn't whether or not he had them, but the fact that he lied. It shows you the quality of the relationship that you have with him. I'd want to be much closer to the guy I'm investing my time and energy with. You might want to let this instance slide, but if you notice he lies about other stuff, then this is a pattern that will definitely cause problems down the road. Link to comment
geekgirl4 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I would be more worried about the lying, but you're setting yourself up for failure if you swoop down on him for doing so. Let him know that you know he has a past and that's fine but you just appreciate honesty. And leave it at that. I doubt he purposely chose to bring pictures of the ex over to his new computer. Dragging and dropping folders is much faster and ten to one, he's been lazy about filtering photos and throwing things out. There's a good chance it never occurred to him to do some spring cleaning. And even so, it's his past, he's bound to have pictures of exes. His past is what brought him here with you today, so don't hate on it. Just gently ask him for honesty and leave this issue behind. Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Just because he deletes the photos doesn't mean the past didn't happen. If he was looking at photos of them being cuddly on a daily basis, that would probably bother me. But a lot of times people have pictures on their computers that they rarely look at, and it's just there when you have a nostalgic moment and feel like going through old pictures. I wonder how my ex is going to explain his facebook page when he gets a new girlfriend. >_> Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 lol maybe it's because he was scared you'd freak out. so he went into denial mode. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Just because he deletes the photos doesn't mean the past didn't happen. If he was looking at photos of them being cuddly on a daily basis, that would probably bother me. But a lot of times people have pictures on their computers that they rarely look at, and it's just there when you have a nostalgic moment and feel like going through old pictures. I wonder how my ex is going to explain his facebook page when he gets a new girlfriend. >_> are you all over it ? lol my bf's ex is all over his facebook. sometimes its annoying but then i remember its his ex. if she's not crazy, she'll deal. Link to comment
miie Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Thank you to the helpful people who replied. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 It's not true that you forget the past when things are going well. Your past is a part of you, and you can either learn and grow from it or pretend it doesn't exist and make the same stupid mistakes again and again. Do you really think you have a right to decide which memories he treasures? If you're really only upset that he lied, then why are you making such a big fuss about it being a ~new~ computer? Most people lie when they're stressed and feel guilty. If you don't want people to lie to you, don't guilt trip them and stress them out. You're asking for advice, but you're not taking it very well. It's alright to disagree, but I DID read the background info. You sound incredibly insecure. Even if you're not, maybe it would be less offensive if you didn't bite off the heads of people who took the time to give you advice you didn't want. Link to comment
miie Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 generaldiscord, you can think what you like. I am not here to argue with you. I came here for advice, which i am not going to get, apart from people jumping down my throat accusing me of being a certain way. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I know he has a past with other girlfriends, despite what people have replied on here, that doesn't bother me. Im not sure why they are even saying it does. I know if the situation was reversed, he wouldn't like it at all and accuse me of still being in love with them. I have other reasons why i am concerned, which i wont go into on here, but thank you for your reply, i wish people wouldn't just jump to people being insecure or thinking you have to be everything to the person. There is more than that. No one has jumped to any conclusions here. You asked a question and you have been given genuine replies as to how other people see it from their point of view (ie. not being bothered about their bf having pictures of theirs ex's). If someone has suggested you may be insecure it is still genuine advice offered to help. If there is more to this story than you have told then, although from your point of view there may be more going on than just a few pictures, to the rest of us this is just about a few pictures. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 This really doesn't bother me at all. Sometimes there are pictures that you really like and they happen to include an ex. I tend to just save all mine on an external drive. I don't look through them often and I certainly wouldn't be displaying them to my gf. But I'm not going to trace through thousands of photos and delete every picture of an ex either. My last ex had tons of pictures from her past and she would look through them from time to time, and I did see quite a few with ex-boyfriends. It was a little weird seeing them, but she was a different person back then and didn't even know me. Is he even speaking with that ex at all? If not, then I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 generaldiscord, you can think what you like. I am not here to argue with you. I came here for advice, which i am not going to get, apart from people jumping down my throat accusing me of being a certain way. Nobody was jumping down your throat, I'm sorry you feel that way. The question was "Is it appropriate for your partner to keep photos on their computer of their ex?", and my opinion was "yes" and I also mentioned that you seem insecure. That's not an accusation, and sue me if I'm wrong. I don't even know you. But I would hope that, 165 posts in, you'd've found out that most of the people here really aren't interested in labeling people or burning them at the stake. Looking at our mistakes is what helps us grow as people. Link to comment
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