Trying to find peace with my situation

[justaglimmer]

So for the past several months I've been struggling with an on again/off again emotionally abusive relationship. I've received so much good advice from you all here on ENA and its helped me feel a lot stronger. The hardest part is that I start out strong and then in a few days I feel like I'm dying and will stoop to any level to be with him again. Its like I've convinced myself that despite how crappy he treats me at times, its better than enduring the loneliness and heartbreak. I'm always setting myself back and things never get any better, he's not going to change. No matter how many times I give him everything - body, mind, heart, soul, he will always find a way to tear me down and leave me in the cold wondering what the hell just happened. No matter how many times he tells me that he misses snuggling with me, he will still search for new reasons to belittle me and start a fight. No matter how hard I try, there's still a monster inside of him that won't leave.

 

The last time I saw him, he looked so beautiful. Sharply dressed complete with a stunningly handsome face. My heart was racing and it hurt to look at him. He didn't want to look at me either... but only because he was once again upset with me over something so very stupid. When he told me about why he was upset, I was stunned. I couldn't help but reply with "Are you f****** kidding me?" and then he got even more pissed. How did I get here? When did I lose myself in this mess? He's got my number blocked again. I called him from my other phone line that he hadn't blocked, when he answered I simply said "You're never gonna hear from me again." And I hung up. What a ballsy move on my part, but how will I ever go through with it? Well I'm gonna have to now, because I'm sure that sent him through the roof with anger.

 

I'm sad and feel very alone. I don't really have any friends that I hang out with anymore. Its the middle of winter and the days are usually rainy and cold. I have to drag myself to school and my classes demand a lot of my time and energy. I try to work out regularly but its hard to stay motivated on some days.

 

I just have a lot of anger and sadness built up and I feel like I should feel relief in a way. A small portion of me does feel relief, but all other emotions smother it. I find myself listening to songs that remind me of him, songs that him and I would listen to together. Ugh, I hate being so damn miserable all the time.

[Drake7]

Healing has its ups and downs, sometimes I feel normal(ish) then the next I feel like I want to die. Sometimes I feel like I would do anything just to be a part of her life even to just be a door mat. The thing is it is not fair to me. Do not let him abuse you emotionally, loneliness is horrible but being emotionally abused is horrible too. You do not deserve to be tortured like this, however it almost seems like a lot of the pain comes from within. Things happen so fast, it really leaves us wondering what happened. Stick to the NC, hes not worth it. Ensure there is no other means to contact him, do everything you can to move on because face it, its over. You certainly can't wait around for him to change, people rarely do..

 

I feel sad and alone too and it hurts badly, I have essentially no friends to talk to. Making your classes your priority is a good idea, do stuff to better your life. If you are having trouble keeping motivated with working out just think of the end goal of your fitness routine. If you are going for extreme fitness just think of all the guys that will be drooling over you.

 

Do everything you can to build the feelings of relief, examine all his bad qualities that hurt you. Realize that you deserve a better man, because you are in fact a better person than he will ever be. If memories are hurting you get rid of everything he has ever bought you, throw it out, mail it to him, or box it up and toss it in an attic. Get rid of all the songs that remind you of him and maybe search for new bands and such.

[justaglimmer]

Thanks for your reply Drake7, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this too. You made some very good points, and you're right, its not fair to accept scraps and be a door mat by any means. There has got to be better things in store for us than that kind of misery.

 

I have never been in such a situation where I can love someone yet at the same time I can't stand him. One minute I feel like I'm ready to stay away from him, then the next I feel like I'm dying without him. Things feel very lonely for me when he's not around, and I haven't really been single in a very long time so it just feels so weird. Its been the hardest thing I've had to deal with because sometimes he could be very good to me and then other times he was an absolute * * * * * and just so unfair to me.

 

I just want to be the one screaming "Thank goodness I'm free! I needed out of that mess." but instead I'm actually missing him something awful. I'm bored, lonely, and stressed. I'm literally running to the phone every time it rings, hoping that its him, and I'm angry at myself for it. I just want to finally accept that he is not good for me, instead of thinking that maybe I could accept the way he treats me. There's a voice in the back of my mind telling me to run like hell from him. I've been having dreams about it at night, like warnings, and I know that I have to stay away from him before something worse happens. Then, out of nowhere, I start thinking about all the good things he actually done for me and its like I almost excuse his bad treatment because of all the ways he was sometimes very charming. I hate feeling so "bipolar" about the situation.

[catfeeder]

Breakups never feel peaceful or good, so if you're waiting for the day that it would be easy to free yourself, you'll just keep yourself stuck in the same misery.

 

When you're tired enough of this, you'll make a decision and you'll stick with it and ride out the grief. You'll be able to do that knowing that there will be better days ahead because you've made the right choice. You'll take whatever steps you can to treat yourself kindly, to reward yourself with small things, and to think positively no matter how low you feel at any given moment.

 

If you allow every feeling to rule your choices, you'll ride a roller coaster just to stay where you are. When you're ready to plow through whatever discomfort it takes to get yourself somewhere else, you'll do that.

 

Head high.

[lavenderdove]

I think you're learning that seeing him only sets you back... see those moments when you crave him are like how a drug addict craves crack... you're searching for that fix, that momentary high you get from seeing him and again hoping he will make you feel better and feel 'right', but you KNOW that though he has some things that attract you, that high is only temporary and then you're right back into all the bad things which are the reasons he can't be in your life.

 

You have to tough it out... he's a bad habit, like a crack habit, and chasing that high will not eliminate all the negative effects he has on you. The only real fix for that is toughing out the temporary discomfort that follows a breakup, with the understanding that going back to him again and again just extends the misery in the long run. He's not going to mutate into a different person just because there are some things about him that attract you.

 

So recognize that a habit takes time to kick, but the only way you will do that is to stop seeing him and contacting him entirely so you don't get those little highs that keep distracting you and luring you back and extending your addiction to him. Try to fill your life with as many things you enjoy doing as possible, and try to get out and meet people, do volunteer work, rent DVDs to watch, anythign to prevent dwelling on him and to pass the time until you habit has a chance to break and you can really start getting over him. The first month of breaking a habit is horrendous, and healing does cycle, but if you give yourself a chance and stop seeing him (so you can quit deluding yourself with those little highs from his handsome face), you can and will heal. It takes time, but you can shorten that time be recognizing you are chasing little hits of him like an addict chases crack, and you can't recover from an addiction by indulging in it. You just have to stop and tough it out until the craving subsides.

[justaglimmer]

catfeeder, you're right, I basically had to get "tired enough" to start taking action.. and after our last big fight he made me angry enough that I just knew right then and there that I have no real future with him. Its still hard to accept but its the reality of the situation. He will not change because he doesn't want to change. He sees himself as someone who is always right. He gets very irritated if he thinks that I am trying to blame him for something. One time him and I were wrestling around, just playing, and he accidentally put a small bruise on me. The bruised area actually hurt and when I touched it and said that it hurt, he had this look of panic on his face. He gave me this odd look and said "Now you know that doesn't hurt, I barely even touched you!" and I was just thinking to myself "wow, you are a joke." A kind man, a man with heart, would have apologized and felt bad for the situation. That was another time when I felt like I'd had enough of him and his selfish behavior. Typing it out on here helps me see it for what it really is.

 

Lavenderdove, your reply makes a lot of sense and hit the target perfectly, yes he definitely has become an addiction. And the habit is extremely hard to break. We had our own little day-to-day quirks that are hard to let go of. Its going to be the hardest thing, but I know you're right and I have to tough it out. I'd say that it will be a definite struggle to make it through the first month but if I could get to that point, maybe after that first month things will start to fall into place a little better and I will be a little more accustomed to life without him, though it will take a lot of getting used to at this point. I also dread having to tell my family that him and I are just not going to work. Even though its my family I feel embarrassed about the situation.. My mother worries about me a lot because she picks up on the fights him and I have had. Its also embarrassing to get all dressed up for a night out with him, only to return home in an hour because he got pissed over nothing and decided to bring me back home (I live with my parents while I'm finishing college). I usually just walk to my bedroom in shame and wait for my mother to hound me with a million questions.

[Drake7]

I reflect back on my relationship and now I see that despite some good memories there are just too many negative aspects. We had a bad start and in a way all she ever did was distrust me, abuse me emotionally, at now it seems keep all sorts of secrets behind my back. It was not meant to be as hard as it is for me to say, and there is no point holding on to what cannot be. What has been helping me is realizing she is no longer a part of my life in any aspect so why care what a stranger does? If a stranger using some profanity at me because I bumped into them or something, OH well. This is how I see it now, never did truly know her, she never truly loved me like I loved her. Sure I was ready to give my life for her, I was ready to marry her, and so she led me on all those years. She never wanted it after all, or is using her current behavior to hurt me further as a way to get back at me to try to justify herself.

 

Fact is she is the bad person she even admitted over the phone she was. All these kind of signs show that the person begins to hate us because they are going through their own emotional struggles with moving on from us, so they choose to make us feel worse so they can move on, selfish.

 

Thing to realize is when the ex is no longer part of our lives they can not longer hurt us as long as you keep it that way. Stick with the NC and no longer seek to find out what hes up to in any capacity. If he calls you, write if off as some weirdo calling you. I am not sure of his proximity to you but if he lives fairly close and running into him is almost an everyday thing maybe consider moving, another city, perhaps state, maybe even country. It might seem like running away but its really a fresh start. I will be moving to Vancouver BC by spring for a fresh new start away from this insanity.

 

It hurts the worst when we become emotionally welded to our partners but you have to go cold turkey, get out and meet new people its the best thing. Eventually what will happen is some new cute nice guy who is worthy of you will pop into your life. You will have butterflies in your stomach once again and the memory of your abusing ex will fade away. Don't seek to find a replacement, this is not fair, so simply look for more friends and companionship, because being alone is going to be the biggest enemy of healing right now.

[justaglimmer]

A fresh start really does sound amazing, I'd love to do it. I honestly just want to cut out everyone other than my family because it seems like everywhere I turn there is a bad memory. Congrats on starting new for yourself, that is inspiring to me!