My now ex-girlfriend needs some "time and space."

[rich46]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm new here so I'll explain my situation, I'll try to be as brief as I can!

 

I am 23 and have been with my girlfriend since the 4th week of University, which is about 3 and a half years ago. We were both pretty similar in that we were quiet, and during our time at Uni we were always telling eachother how we were so lucky to have found eachother, how we were made for eachother etc.

 

Since we finished Uni last summer we have kept things going well, despite living 100 miles apart, going on trips to Venice and just 4 weeks ago going for a weekend to London. But Ive sensed that she has been distant with me over recent weeks and months and so I confronted her about it. Sure enough she says that she needs some "time and space alone" and "to be single for a while."

 

However we are SO close that she wants us to stay best mates as she couldn't bear the thought of us never seeing eachother or speaking to eachother again. I asked her if there was a chance that in a few weeks or months she might change her mind and she said "maybe, I can't tell." And when I told her what my family had been saying ("she'll come to her senses") she said "maybe I will."

 

Anyway, that was a couple of weeks ago. Since then I met up with her on her birthday and we had a great time, bowling etc. But I was devastated when I had to leave. So the next day when she rang I said that I needed some time to get my head round this, I couldn't just switch from being boyfriend/girlfriend to being mates overnight.

 

A week of no contact passed, and she texted me and we spoke last night.

 

We talked for about an hour, mostly about general stuff. I was really calm and friendly, I didn't beg her to change her mind or anything like that! I think I surprised her because of the difference in me. I was saying how I'd been a lot better this week because my older brothers were back and how I'd been out with them. I told her how I was hungover after my brother's birthday party last night, and how I had got myself motivated and applied for quite a few jobs in the last week.

 

She started crying a couple of times, at one point splurting out "I miss you." Don't know whether this is a good thing, but she said how she wanted to ring me loads of times but she couldn't. Or she wanted to text me but couldn't.

 

She still said that she hadn't changed her mind as it had only been a week, and I didn't expect her to have changed her mind anyway. So I basically said how it is really difficult for me to switch to being friends overnight, and that now I'm the one who needs some time and space. So I said I'd text her when I felt a little more ready, don't know when that will be.

 

It is pretty obvious that she misses me, but I don't know whether she misses me as a boyfriend, or as a friend, or what.

 

What do you all think? Have I acted the right way? I let her know that I'm not going to sit around and mope, and how I am trying to get my life sorted.

 

But I guess the main question is...how do I win her back? After the initial couple of days when I cracked and sent her a couple of texts in an almost begging way, I have been a lot better and just acted like normal. SHE is the one who is missing me more, which is strange as it is her who needed the space!

 

Basically, I am confused and need some advice! I know most of you guys will be/have been in a similar situation so your thoughts about my situation would be appreciated...

 

Thanks again everyone,

 

Rich

[evepm]

Dear rich46:

 

Obviously, this is a difficult situation. She can't expect you to switch from bf/gf to just great friends.

 

I think that the best thing for you right now is to give yourself some time to adjust. That would require no contact. Don't call her and don't take her calls for the time being. You need to take of your emotional health not hers. Explain the situation to her first and let her know that when your ready you will contact her.

 

Best of luck to you,

Evepm

[tRiKTa]

Well i definitely think that you have acted in the right way. It is not easy after a break up to just become good friends just like that you both need time, a bit of NC time. I think that you need a bit of your own space, some time to sort yourself out.

 

I think I surprised her because of the difference in me. I was saying how I'd been a lot better this week because my older brothers were back and how I'd been out with them. I told her how I was hungover after my brother's birthday party last night, and how I had got myself motivated and applied for quite a few jobs in the last week.

She started crying a couple of times, at one point splurting out "I miss you."

 

From what you said, you have been able to go out and have fun without worrying about her. She wanted time away from you well she's got it. She can't expect for you to sit around a mope about her go out have fun meet new people. You continue getting yourself motivated and getting jobs progressing in your life.

 

About her crying and saying "I miss you" yes she may miss you but she may also be upset and shocked about how well you are moving on with your life without her. This is most likely not what she expected. By telling you how much she misses you and how much she wanted to call but couldn't etc could be her way of holding you back, slowing you down from moving on. If she really wanted you she wouldn't of broken it off to start with and would have tried to get back with you.

 

I think that even for now friendship isn't really a good idea as you both have mixed emotions. Take some time away from her go out meet new people, have fun, find yourself,go out with friends and your brothers, do what makes you happy. After that if you want to contact her then do, you can become friends then as you will have your life back on track and will not have all these feelings for her, then after some time you may find it easier to become good friends.

[rich46]

Thanks for your advice, it really helps!

 

I guess the ball is in her court right now. If she changes her mind then it is up to her to get in touch with me. The weird thing is she still had my picture in her key ring when I went to see her on her birthday, she still had my old valentines cards on her wall etc. It is confusing me.

 

It is almost like I am the one who has dumped her! As soon as she told me she needed space, I took her pictures down and got rid of anything that reminded me of her.

 

After the initial few days when I was in shock and denial, I have been strong and not broke down and contacted her. In fact like I said, she tried to contact me last week before we spoke on sunday. I ended it by saying I would contact her when I had healed a bit more, but Im not sure when that will be. I'm pretty sure she'll try to contact me in the next week or two, but then what should I do? Clarify that I need a good few weeks/couple of months No Contact to get my life sorted again?

 

I'm so glad that I have started this No Contact pretty soon after our break up. I would have just been a wreck if I was still talking to her every other day. This gives her something to think about, the space she asked for, and gives me the chance to move things forward in my life.

 

Rich