Benefits of holding a grudge.

[acfan]

Like most people I have had grudges in my life. My family, like some families, seems to do it very well. My brother and I did not talk for over 3 years due to a disagreement about how to care for our ill mother. I currently have a grudge against a person I have to work with on a board of directors. I feel she was disrespectful and condescending in a meeting and I got angry and was embarrassed. So now I am trying to avoid her and when I do have to see or talk to her I keep it short. I know she knows I was mad, but I think she thinks she was right so she doesn't care. We had gotten to know each other personally and talked about our lives, but now I have no interest in doing that. The question is that people do things for a reason and it, usually, if not always benefits them. So why do you think someone would hold a grudge? Honestly, the stuff I have read about grudges tearing you up emotionally and poisioning you don't ring true for me. I don't like feeling in this particular case but, it not devastating me. I have decided to be civil with her to make my position and job(two separate things) tolerable. Any thoughts?

[boonpop]

I once said to my father that I noticed there were a lot of mean and horrible people in the world and his response was, Son, if you focus on seeing the negative in the people you meet, you will have a hard time seeing the good in them.

I can say from personal experience that holding on to grudges or any form of anger can cloud a persons perspective of the people we share space with. You may often find yourself being mad at the thought of someone, or there presence when they enter a room all because of an insignificant event that happened years ago. This kind of childish emotion can keep you from really getting to know that person on a deeper level and prohibits your emotional growth.

Have you ever heard the expression that one can't see the Forrest for the trees? I don't have to go into much detail here because the expression does a good job of being self explanatory.

[asthesparrow]

I can't be bothered holding grudges. I've tried in the past but after a few months I forget or move on.

[intolerable]

I also can't seem to stay mad at a certain person for too long. Although there are people who I avoid because seeing them makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable because of our past (such as ex friends and lovers), I dunno if that counts as a grudge though. Personally, I think if you think it doesn't destroy your emotional well-being then you'll be fine. We all handle emotions differently, and just because one path is a tried and tested one doesn't mean it's the only path you should take.

[savignon]

You said in your post that you "got angry and were embarassed". I think this is partly why people hold grudges. Instead of having a mature discussion or apologizing or taking responsibility they think they're saving face by being forever cold to that person and taking away any previous friendship or relationship that was there. I agree that its exhausting on the part of the grudge holder because they're the ones getting angry at the mere thought of the other person and have to spend time and energy justifying their cold behavior to themselves (ie saying they don't care, assuming things about the other person, making judgements on them etc). Too much ill spent energy for me!! 3 years without one of my siblings would not be worth any cost to me.

[pinkelephant]

I think it's about control and wanting to make the other feel bad/punishing the other person.

[In the Dark]

I hold grudges because, I do not let things slide because the majority of the time I have, they end up doing it again.

This is how it has panned out for me in relationships and friendships.

If someone does something which is wrong and doesn't care how it affects me I have no reason to just forget it.

 

In the work place it's a different matter as I will have to tolerate.

 

Due to past experiences and no doubt future ones, I have become an unforgiving person who holds grudges.

 

Doesn't eat away at me unless I know I am wrong.

[Seraphim]

Wasting time on grudges is using bad energy. Bad energy always tears you down. When it tears you down it helps to tear the world down. Positive energy works so much better. I do get angry at people sometimes, but it is momentary. I never hold anything long term because I know at anytime the other person could die and I would feel worse for the rest of my life for holding a grudge, or what if one day that person holds the key to something I want. It won't go so well if I have been a jerk to them.

[acfan]

You said in your post that you "got angry and were embarassed". I think this is partly why people hold grudges. Instead of having a mature discussion or apologizing or taking responsibility they think they're saving face by being forever cold to that person and taking away any previous friendship or relationship that was there. I agree that its exhausting on the part of the grudge holder because they're the ones getting angry at the mere thought of the other person and have to spend time and energy justifying their cold behavior to themselves (ie saying they don't care, assuming things about the other person, making judgements on them etc). Too much ill spent energy for me!! 3 years without one of my siblings would not be worth any cost to me.

 

Just to clarify, the situation with my brother was his deal. He also wouldn't let me see his kids and the situation devastated me and our relationship is friendly now, but will never be the same. The work situation with the lady is different. Even in good times I have never really liked her. She is just not my kind of person. We don't share the same values and beliefs and I do not like how she treats other people. I am considering talking to her, but I have seen how she has reacted with other people after a disagreement and it has meant retaliation and hard feelings. I agree with In the dark that I do this to keep from the same person doing the same thing to me. When I have let things go in the past and have been hurt again I have always been disappointed and angry at myself for not protecting me. I know this is not healthy and where I want to be so, I am trying to figure out why I do it so I can do something different. Like Dr Phil says "pepole do things for a reason" and I just trying to figure it out so I can own it and try to change it. Thanks for all the input.

[LightbulbSun]

There are no benefits to holding grudges. You just end up not seeing the good in people.

[savignon]

I agree there are no benefits to holding grudges. But there's a difference between not caring for a particular person and not having much to do with them as a result. That requires little energy. Actively holding a grudge, avoiding someone, being angry when you see them/hear their name, wishing them ill will or bad karma.....those are all negative and require your active negative participation. There are plenty of people I've met in life who have done something that spoke very poorly of their character. I choose to not engage with them any more than necessary (at work, let's say) but just because I'm not their best friend doesn't mean I'm not civil or kind or can't carry a conversation with them. At the same time, I wish them no ill will, I don't feel like I'm "protecting myself" from them and I don't feel "wronged" by them....they're just neutral people in the world who I don't like or dislike.

Imagine a spectrum going from negative 10 to positive 10. Positive 10 is that you just love and adore the person. Negative 10 is that you actively spend your time seeking them out on facebook hoping to find that their life is just sucking and miserable because that's what you think they deserve and maybe you'll just slash their tires later incase karma isn't working at your desired pace (just an example but sadly there are people who think like this and spend their time this miserably). So, now where is this woman at work? She might not be a 5 or a 6 on the like scale but maybe you can learn to just put her at 0? Neutral. Not "dislike"....not "hate"...but not on the "like" side because you're never going to like everyone and that doesn't have to be the goal to be a "good person". You don't have to buy her a coffee or go see a movie with her.....but it's in YOUR best interest to have her at neutral and not waste any negative energy on her by rolling your eyes at the thought of her or anything like that. Is she really worth that kind of thought anyway??

You said she had some good qualities and you used to get along and now you've seen maybe another side of her (?) so she's got good and bad in her like the rest of us. Doesn't mean she "can't be tolerated" or you have to get your back up to "protect yourself"...just put her at neutral.

[NightLily]

I think there can be benefits to holding grudges actually. This is only when somebody has seriously hurt your well being though. I used to be, and somewhat still am, overly forgiving to the point of letting very toxic people back into my life to cause me a lot of grief. Sometimes it is best to have a short list of people that are in no way going to be close or near you again. For some people this will never be needed but if somebody really oversteps the line seriously I do think you should hold a grudge so that you never let them take advantage of you again.