When Your Ex Becomes A Stranger

[skynet74]

How many can relate to this. While you were together, your Ex was the sweetest, most caring, compassionate, loving person on the face of the planet. Didn't seem like they even had a mean bone in their body. Then after the break up you see a side of them you never thought existed. Cold, Distant, Rude, Uncaring and just plain MEAN! As if they have undergone a total personality transplant. Not even the same person anymore. Such a drastic change that You have No Idea who this person even is. Has it happened to you? I would like to know about it.

 

I'm also interested in hearing of others like this who's Ex turned totally mean, but then snapped back to their old selves once again. Did it happen suddenly or was it a slow transformation back into normalcy? My Ex's personality changed so much that she's just become a total stranger to me. If she was like this when I first met her then I would of never given her a second Date. Sad to say that I am still in love with the memory of who she used to be. I sure don't like who she has become.

 

 

John

[brtlangst]

I'm sorry to hear that. I've been going through the same thing, to the point of being called awful names by this person. But I keep coming back hoping to talk to them. It's gotten to the point where my self-esteem has taken a large blow and I'm afraid to even talk to this person. But sometimes, they seem like their old selves when I get really really upset....I think he does this just to push me away. It's hard, I know, I still am in love with the person he used to be. I made the mistake of pushing him too many times to talk, it's gotten to the point where he bluntly says he hates me. Just don't make the mistake I did, and hopefully with time your ex will change back into the person they were.

 

Hang in there,

Amie

[skynet74]

Do you think they treat us bad to just temporarily push us away (or) do you think they do it because they simply don't care about us anymore?

 

 

 

John

[lnxfrkk]

my ex was such a loving,caring person.after she broke up with me 6 months ago,she turned into something that i have never seen in her.A total b****.She has not had any contact with me since.Will never know what caused her to turn that way.

[brtlangst]

Its hard to say...it really depends on who the person is. I know my ex never shows his emotions...I'm just hoping he does it to push me away because he confessed he really was truelly in love. If you had a deep caring relationship with this person I would suspect they do it for space...maybe they don't trust themselves not to come back to you? It's hard to say, but it helps to think positively about it.

[lady00]

deleted.

[brtlangst]

Yes you're exactly right! My ex told me to respect his decision but it was the only thing I couldn't do... He says I screwed everything up when I pushed so much. Haha but I don't know...I've never been very mature about break-ups.

[danimal77]

John,

 

She still cares man. Consider it like a light switch. Ultimately she is in control of turning it on or off and at times, nothing you will be able to do or say, will make a difference. Simply what this means, is that she is not happy right now and she knows it and is awfully defensive with you, because you represent what she is "trying" to run away from, including herself in the process.

 

Buddy, if I can tell you the secret to winning her back, it is simply a question of being understanding to her emotional and sometimes irrational state of mind, while being persistent, in a non-threatening way, while also, being honest and direct and not mincing words and at all costs, avoid getting too emotional with her, because that's one of the things she is running away from, here emotions. Talk with your head and not your heart and watch how her manners will transform right in front of your very own eyes.

 

Good luck John and thanks for being a supportive friend,

 

Dan

[hunterboyhun]

hey,

yeah i've got to say that i too have experienced this turn around.... about a month after the break up i was talking to her on the phone and it really did seem like her whole personality had left her, like she was a bit soulless. it was hard to explain. as though the spark of energy and life which had always burned so bright in her was really really dim, almost extinct, and i told her so - mainly that it didn't seem like her, that she seemed a bit soulless.

 

almost as if she was on autopilot.

 

strange.

 

but i tried to turn it to my advantage. i reasoned to myself that this person i was talking to was actually a completely different version of the person i used to know. a new person who i probably woul never have asked out in the first place because she didn't seem much like sopmeone i would have liked. that way it was easier to not think about what this person was doing now (without me) and also to remember the original person with fondness and still hold the memories dear.

 

anyway that didn't last too llong before i fell back into missing her regardless of who she was... it's a rollercoaster

 

luck and care folks

[JustPlainSad]

I'm actually going through that right now. She's very cold, heartless and just a different person. The way I am looking at it is that she is being very defensive and this is the way it is coming out. She told me that she's still really stressed out and I can tell by how she's talking. She's not eating right and has said she's just not in the best of spirits right now. I'm going to take it that she's miserable without me and this is how its coming out but is to proud to admit it and take back what she said. We are now on our third day of no contact but will however be seeing her tomorrow. That should be interesting.....

[cassiana]

I was the envy of every woman who had met him when my ex asked me out. He was so pleasant and charming. He had time for everyone and was careful to ask everyone how they were doing. When people helped him out they got cards and thank yous. He was just as nice to me. He introduced me to his family and his friends. He organised weekends away. He bought me beautiful flowers for valentines. When I bougt him a birthday gift I could see that he was genuinely touched. He had a nickname for me and would never let me drive home without making sure I had a bottle of water in case I was thirsty. He made me dinner and held my umbrella. He used to talk about forming a mens group to help with mens difficulty in expressing their feelings etc. He was so kind and considerate, up until the minute he dumped me.

When I told others who had known him the things he said they couldn't believe it. He said that he had little sympathy for me and even had a bit of vindictive pleasure in doing it because he had been dumped by others before. As we never even had one cross word between us these and the other things were a bit extreme. I didn't beg or plead. I said a few things and left him feeling a heel. He did send me some jokes via email over the next few weeks but I didn't reply. Then he sent me a birthday card that never referred to the dumping and he couldn't even bring himself to write dear on it.I didn't reply to that because I knew that he didn't want anything to do with me at that time.

I don't think that he meant what he said but was desperate to get rid of me. He has M.E and was under extreme pressure and couldn't cope with dating and having to move to a new city to do an intensive 3 month Law course. That course finished in about a week. The guy I dated would do his utmost to apologise and make it up to me because he liked me so much. The cold stranger would just move on without thinking about it.

Unlike some on this thread I accepted his decision. I didn't ask for a second chance, after all as he told my friend two days later I had done nothing wrong. He dumped me to concentrate on his course. He even told my friend that he hadn'tmeant to dump me but needed time to reflect on the relationship which I take to mean to get shot of me for the duration of the course. So its been 4 months of no contact for us and today i'm depressed because I think that in a few weeks he still won't have contacted me and mr nice guy wasnt the real him and he was a cold stranger all along.

[vfunkera]

It was one of the most devastating feelings i had ever felt when my ex seemed to just stop caring, and it still hurts now.

 

I fell in love with her personality- an innocent, perfect girl who came after me, not the other way round; and when she broke up, i saw a side to this flawless, shy, and good-hearted women that i never thought existed. She seemed to ignore me when i tried to create conversation on msn or text, and she would pretty much ignore me face to face in the pub/clubs etc. This same girl who was in my arms in the same bar, and calling me on the same phone.

 

She broke up telling me i just want to be friends, strong friends. So i persue the path (with the unsurprising intention of getting her back), and its anything but friendship, it was cold. The thing about the ex is, she made it awkward between us post-relationship. Its their doing, not ours or mine. I didn't think she had it in her to just fade me out of her life, to stop calling me, lovers to stranger.

 

Her actions earlier on has pretty much set the mood between us forever. I saw her for the first time a few weeks ago since 9 months of no contact (isn't that a long enough break for her?), and there was still the same tension between us. I can remember the way we used to talk to each other about money, get on the bus together, and play fight in the park... it just makes me wonder how it could have just come to this, strangers afraid of talking to each other *sighs*.

[zpivat]

It's trully painful when all of a sudden they become this cold, mean stranger. And I agree with lady00, they become that way when we still chase them after breaking up with us. But the problem is, it's just in our human nature to chase what we cannot have. I mean, think about it: you're with someone you dearly love, and then he/she breaks up with you. What's your natural reaction, as a normal human being? Definitely you'll chase him/her right? I mean, who won't??

I don't know about those "strong people", but at least I myself would fight for someone I love. And yes, unfortunately most of us have to go through all those begging, pleading, and crying, which drive our exes further away *grrrrrrrr*

[cassiana]

Fighting comes in many forms. When my ex dumped me I desperately wanted him back. So I did my homework. I reviewed what hadn't worked for me in the past with other guys, (begging, pleading, showing up where they would be). I looked up books, websites and consulted friends of both genders some who knew him, some who didn't. The general consensus was do nothing. I was also told that men are very job orientated and can only focus on one thing at a time so there would be no action while he was doing his course. Also as has been said when we are dumped by someone we care for we want it back, maybe more so because we can't have it. Maybe the NC rule can reverse that polarity and suddenly they fear losing us and worry had they made the mistake in losing someone who is so capable of taking care of themselves. So for me the past 4 months have been really hard. I haven't contacted him because I want him.

He didn't turn mean on me because I chased him, because I never chased him. He turned mean on me because he was determined to get rid of me. After 40 minutes I got up and walked out on him.

[lady00]

deleted.

[zpivat]

And I really envy those lucky people, such as Dan (danimal77) who finally got his ex back. Can you imagine? She already threatened him, called him names, this, that + some other really mean things. Yet in the end she got back to her old self and accepted him again........

I wish we were all that lucky....

[skynet74]

What Danimal did was show us that maybe there IS Hope. Perhaps we do have the power to get our Ex back if we just knew how to do it. It might not be as hopeless as it seems. Just take a look at his posts. You'll get some good tips from a good Guy.

 

 

John

[zpivat]

Yeah, but may be he (Dan) is trully a good LUCKY guy afterall! Why am I saying this? Well, according to what I have read so far, he was chasing his ex really badly, to the point where she loathed him. Yet, she came back to him anyway, somehow miraculously.

As for myself, I did some chasing/begging as well, but they was rather mild and not THAT threatening. In addition to that, after the breakup, I've never even said "I love you" at all, out of fear of driving her away.

Yet, she's still giving me some silent treatment, leaving me wondering what to do...*sigh*

So probably the best thing for me to do now is NC and give her some space, really. I don't know what to *do* (what I'm saying is, if we try to *do* anything, wouldn't that mean trying to get her back, hence driving her further away?)

Well I don't know..may be there are some *magical* actions I need to do, which I don't know how. I'm not really a player; I'm so innocent

[skynet74]

I think that after the initial break up do NC for some space and to allow things to cool down. People can't stay mad forever. Think about the one person you have disliked most in the world. Chances are that after a while you realize that you don't even hate them that bad. Time heals. People get over things. Sometimes it takes a while, but I don't know anyone who has stayed Mad forever. Especially at a person they once told they Loved! So just chill for a while and give the Ex a little time to themselves. Definitely Harder than it sounds, but completely necessary.

 

Then after a couple of months of No Contact try initiating some non threatening contact. "Hi, long time no talk. Just wanted to say Hi." Nothing about realtionships. NOTHING. Save that for a future day. Then in subsuquent conversations just build off your last good experience. Show the Ex that you are still the person they fell for. Treat the Ex like a new person as well. Try to forget about history and just concentrate on making things new again.

 

If you love someone then never give up hope. Only takes a split second for them to change their mind. You may be apart while reading this, but you may end up together an hour from now. Take Dan for example. 10:29 PM Dan thinks Ex doesn't want to be with him anymore. Ex then calls and at 10:33 PM they are a couple again. MIND BLOWING... YES! But it can happen to any of us in an instant. If your Ex gets in a frame of mind where they start thinking about you....... (could be a song they hear or an inocent passing thought) Fact is....... It Can all Change for the better in an INSTANT!

 

 

John

[John1]

John,

was or am in same position.. 13 months ago my girlfriend of 4 years dumped me ... now this girl worshipped me.. wanted to marry me, spend rest of her life with me.. she used to write me letters saying she never wanted us to break up that she loves me etc etc..

then i kissed another girl drunk one night... my ex dumps me... and a whole new side to her appeared.. now i did pester ex didnt mean to but i was sorry and was looking for a 2nd chance.. she changes her number.. she has completely cut all ties with me... she has totally changed.. she is not the girl i fell in love with.. i never see her anymore even though i only live about 5 miles from her.... if i see her in the street.. we will talk and it looks like she is opening up and then i put my foot in it and ask for 2nd chance and she turns cold again.. at least i know now im stupid... ive not seen her in about 7 weeks so let her off.. if she changes her mind then she has my number, but as i said this is a girl who was disappointed when she didnt fall pregnant with my child 18 months ago.. she thought she was pregnant and whennot she was upset.. she was hinting towards ring and it would have happened too.. we were due to move in together , i made 1 mistake and she totally blanks me from her life.. and when i did send her letters which ive stopped now for about 8 months ago... she would ring me and tell me to leave her alone.. she said she doesnt mean to be cold she just wants me to understand that she doesnt want to get back together...

so yes i can understand where you are coming from... your ex shes not a TAURUS is she.??. they are supposed to be the worst.. most stubborn.. well my ex she is a taurus... ha ha...

best of luck.. maybe with time and with what dan said hopefully.. ( fingers crossed)

[skynet74]

so yes i can understand where you are coming from... your ex shes not a TAURUS is she.??. they are supposed to be the worst.. most stubborn.. well my ex she is a taurus... ha ha...

-------------------

 

Um.. No..... I'm actually the Taurus! Gee thanks. lol . However I'm the rare Taurus who actually has feelings and tries to talk things out to make them better. yes I can have a stubborn side although it doesn't come out that often. I was born April 22nd. A few days earlier I would of been an Aries. So I guess i just don't have the full blown Taurus tendencies.

 

 

 

John

[veedubdriver]

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. And yes, she did do the whole personality change. SHe wasn't a b***h so to speak, but just cold to me. She was hanging out with new friends that she met at her new job. She had no time for me. She didn't even hang out with her life long friends that lived here. So not only did she push me aside, but she pushed them as well. I told her about this. I t may have been wrong but I did. I told her I didn't even know her anymore. She was so caught up in partying with her new "friends" that she said "I am back to who I really am, this is my real personality."

 

Over the past week though, things have changed with her. She is moving a faily good distance away and seems to have finally screwed her head back on straight. She wants to make time to see me now, and when we are together, it is like old times...with her personality. She is back to the person I fell in love with. I think she realizes now who her real friends are, and who really cares about her. All these new people that she works with don't care either way if she stays living here or leaves. I asked her what the guy that she has been dating thinks about her leaving and she responded, "He knew this day was coming, he doesn't seem to let it bother him". So he doesn't seem to care either.

 

So I guess what I'm getting at is that most exs do go thru this personality change. But in my opinion, it is just a way of coping with the matters at hand. Time heals, and I guess we just all have to ride it out. Luckily, my ex healed faily quickly.

[danimal77]

Zpivat,

 

I hate to defend myself here, but I have to. This is what you wrote:

 

"Yeah, but may be he (Dan) is trully a good LUCKY guy afterall! Why am I saying this? Well, according to what I have read so far, he was chasing his ex really badly, to the point where she loathed him. Yet, she came back to him anyway, somehow miraculously."

 

There were no miracles surrounding my reconciliation with my ex. You are right in saying that I chased her really badly for a week and a half and then, I STOPPED cold turkey. I did not contact her for one month thereafter and then when I did contact her, it was in a very non-threateninig way, alleviating many of her defenses, suspicions and fears, in the process. For the next few weeks, I had increased my contact and had just been MYSELF and yes, she had not been having luck with the men she had been meeting on her chats and her heart still cared for me and her head wasn't acting so much as a barrier any longer.

 

To reiterate, nothing about my situation was miraculous. I urge you to read my posts from June 14 and onward and you will clearly see the transformation and what kind of mindframe you must possess, that will lead you to where you want to be. NO ONE said it would be easy and I was the first one to recognize that, but that wasn't going to stop be by far!

 

Dan

[cassiana]

First of all congratulations Danimal. I think I feel like a prisoner happy to see a cellmate released but annoyed that I'm still here pending an appeal.

Secondly I'm the Taurus April 26th and while i'm stubborn as hell I'm not unreasonably so. Four months Nc will testify to that.

My situation is slightly different as I was dumped (I think) as a result of a knee jerk reaction to a stressful situation for my ex. As I discussed it with people I asked them in amazement Is it easier for a man to dump a girl he likes than admit to her that he is scared and afraid of failing? The answer I got was yes.

To get rid of me he was very cold but I never begged or pleaded. In the midst of his rejection of me he also threw in I might regret this in a week but I need to do this now. He also told me that it felt to him like he was losing a friend. It was such a barrage of mixed messages. I walked out on him. Two days later he was telling my friend that he didn't mean to dump me and that it hadn't gone the way he had planned. I don't think any of this would have happened if it wasn't for this course he was freaked out about and I think that I must have done something right if he was backtracking two days later. After 4 months that blasted course ends in a week or so and im praying he will contact me properly then.

[zpivat]

Well I agree with you Dan. No one, especially myself, thinks that it would be easy (in fact it is very hard). I was just stating that I didn't chase my ex that badly, and now that I've been giving her space, she's still quiet and unresponsive, even when I talk about LIGHT SUBJECTS with her. My point is that you're lucky enough to have an ex who still does love you and is more forgiving than other people's exes........

I and the rest of the other posters are wondering if our exes still love us at all.......

My ex asked for a distance now, so that's what I'm giving her. So how can I expect to show her that I am CAPABLE of speaking in non-threatening manners if I'm not even allowed to talk?

It was your own idea to start NC to her, and so you have full control as to when you can contact her. My ex, however, personally asked for this distance, so if I DO contact her (again, even for light stuff), then she'd get mad, because then I'm breaking her cardinal request, yes?

 

Also, don't forget that each person is different, and you have to take this into consideration. Some heal quickly, and some don't. Some are forgiving (like myself, he he), and some aren't. Some are strong, and some are weak. Some are indifferent/insensitive, some are sensitive.

My ex happens to be a very sensitive person, who takes everything seriously. Once she was angry with her OWN SISTER and stopped speaking for 7 MONTHS. Once on the bus someone was rude and laid his hand upon her, and she was crying for 6 MONTHS.

 

So...you ARE lucky Dan, at least compared to myself.........