Seeing too much of her male "freind"

[TommyBoy27]

Hey everyone,

 

I posted just a few days ago and took the advice given. I just moved 8 hours from home to be with my fiance. Although I am staying up near school (an hour north of her parents) she remains down there cause of work.

 

Well, I am concered about her male friend "D". Sunday night she goes over his house after work and I call. They are watching a movie. Okay! She doesnt call me til the following at 5:30 claiming she had three glasses of wine and fell asleep on the couch. Apparently other people were there and they all remained hanging out about 4 ish. she slept through it. Now she gets home from work, takes a shower and calls me. I ask her what she is doing tonight she says "uhm..not sure" " Jenn called and wanted to do something but she seemed kinda depressed and didnt want to hang with her. So ill probally just go over "D's" house. I knew that was her agenda all along. She was like "oh i still have pizza over there" trying to make it sound cute.

 

So my question is, does this sound legit?

 

I am overreacting she spends so much time with him.

(thurs, fri, sun, and mon - was supposed to go to a party at his friends saturday but he dicked her over and went home)

 

 

 

We had a conversation, and I said I was jealous and her comments were "this is nothing new, i had no problems when i was always going out with Carl" her other male close friend who I am not jealous cause they are a total brother sister relationship. She said "D" is just like Carl, we are good friends. But im not sure im buying it

[TommyBoy27]

And another thing that upsets me...

 

 

She always calls him first. On her break, or on her way home. I get a call when she is home....grrr

[S4il]

No doubt the story does seem a little Sketchy, i think this guy named "D" is attracted to your Girl, You can input your own ideas, or thoughts and let them be know to her about her seeing Him, But in retrospect the thing to remember is that it has to be HER to tell him "nothing more than friends" if she doesn't or has not already made that clear, than It should be, Being a bit jealous is Normal, it happens to the best of us.

 

Just try to keep that feeling of being Insecure/jealous/angry/upset the whole 9 yards a little more discrete, if you don't CAP it, she will start to think you can't trust her, Thus bringing forth some very unnecessary Drama and would make a conflict between you to, and i don't think you want that, She knows your her significant other, and until you have some Solid Proof, or tangible reason to believe she is doing something behind your back, while your out at school, i would just ignore all talk about "D"

[johnagent1911]

I would personally start acting like I don't care. This is a sign of being insecure, do not worry about this "D" person. It will only lead up to bad stuff if you let it get to you. I would also make myself busy, so if she was like after "D's" do you want to hang out I'd say "Naw I told some friends I'd catch up with them."

 

You get the idea.

 

.

[TommyBoy27]

I would personally start acting like I don't care. This is a sign of being insecure, do not worry about this "D" person. It will only lead up to bad stuff if you let it get to you. I would also make myself busy, so if she was like after "D's" do you want to hang out I'd say "Naw I told some friends I'd catch up with them."

 

Here's the thing! She wont drive up because she says her parents dont want the miles on the car. And I have NO friends here to hang out with. Just moved here.

 

But you're right...ill just act like i dont care see if that works

[lady00]

that situation sounds rather fishy. but it all comes down to trust because after all, you will never be together 24/7 and she will always have chances to cheat, just like with any other relationship. it's a question of trust. give her the benefit of the doubt. By the time you're getting ready to marry someone, you should trust them a lot because you know that anything could happen, they could meet someone any day that they think is great but the question is, will they act on it or stay with you. I think the only thing you can do is have faith in her. sorry if that isn't much help.

[Finch]

My ex-girlfriend is hanging out with me a lot and however she isn't really dating anybody. She is interested in this other guy though..

 

The thing you have to remember that sometimes Ex's can be really good friends, and sometimes ex's are more than friends. So that is something to take into caution. However, you have no other choice but to believe her unless you hear differently. You might as well let them hang out as much as they want. It's better that you find out that she isn't interested in you sooner than later. And if you don't find out later, you know that they are just good friends.

[TommyBoy27]

but what I dont understand is the times I am with her she comes home from work and hops on the couch saying she is tired and just wants to watch tv.

 

yet the next day, she goes to work, comes home and showers and goes right out. she'll probally stay out tonight til 2ish.

 

 

 

my good buddy jack daniels doesnt make me feel this bad

[Scout]

If a guy was doing this to me, I would FREAK OUT. Wow, you have a lot of patience. Which may make the situation turn out better for you than it would for me.

[S4il]

this is starting to sounds like she is really bored with-out you there, so shes using "D" as a Filler for a good time, because you can't be there to show her, or give her that attention she needs physically, It's like that annoying song that was a big hit back in the day "Girls just want to have fun".

 

Fun is all it sounds like, Nothing more.

[Cecelius]

This is silly -- it is not appropriate in any event but the fact that she's less than interested in hanging out with you is evidence enough that there are internal problems.

 

Take her aside, explain that being engaged under these circumstances isn't working and that the thrill seems to be gone (for you and her, apparently) and that you two should go your separate ways.

 

This is not a chicken game -- I think you are being slowly dumped. Why make it torture on yourself?

[Scout]

Cecelius just hit the nail on the head. It does sound like you are slowly being dumped. Sounds horrible, but with all the signs there...do you really want to stick around for this??

[TommyBoy27]

Well, I confronted her...not in the greatest ways either. HEre's the story

 

She goes over D's house again and so I become frustrated. And start drinking...let me tell you, the canadian booze up here sure catches up with you quiiiick

 

So I call her and leave her a message she calls me about an hour later when she gets home (11:30ish)

 

And I confront her. I ask her "whats up with you and D" and continue to vent my frustration how she spends more time with him than me even after I move to another country to be with her. She says she is really hurt thaat I would even question that. That I dont trust her. And that because I am here and she is there doesnt mean she is doing anything besides comforting a friend (he is going through a divorce)

 

okay, now i feel like totall jack @ss! i see her today and she was upset. she said if i dont trust her why i am with her. I tell her okay its clear I am insecure and feel like youll leave me. She said I wouldnt have you come all the way up here if i wasnt commited. And yeah...

 

 

i feel like a dope

 

 

 

mmm dope....

 

 

I KEED! drugs r bad people

[Cecelius]

Sounds like you don't need anyone to tell you what you did wrong (drunk people are always hard to take seriously) -- also, now she has your admission that the reason you are bothered by it is that you are insecure. Maybe that's true and maybe that was drunk back-peddling but anyway...

 

This issue is doomed: you cannot revisit it without making the insecurity worse (and then she'll start talking to D about it). A guy getting comfort in a divorce needs pals but if there is any issue of potential infidelity, its not okay.

 

She claims to be in love with you, yet she spends most of her time with him or too much for your taste. A woman in love does not spend time alone in another man's apartment at night, it just doesn't happen. The fiancee thing makes this even worse.

 

So maybe she isn't as much into you as you'd like. Maybe she's not doing anything clearly wrong, but she's inviting as much temptation as she possibly can and she's hardly spending much time with you. Distance yourself, maybe break up with her -- YOU decide. But from what I can see, you don't actually have her much of the time.

[NLEGGINS]

WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT TRY TO MAKE HER CHOOSE BETWEEN HER FRIENDS AND YOU. SHE MIGHT DO IT BUT SHE WOULD RESENT YOU IF YOU MADE HER STOP HANGIN OUT WITH "D" TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. PLUS, IF THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON THEN IT IS NO DIFFERENT THAN HER HAVING FUN WITH HER GIRL FRIENDS, ONLY HER FRIENDS ARE GUYS. I AM THE SAME WAY, I HANG OUT WITH A LOT OF GUYS AND MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE DID NOT WANT ME HANGIN WITH ONE GUY IN PARTICULAR AND I TOLD HIM TO KISS MY BUTT BASICALLY. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AND I AM NOT ABOUT TO GIVE UP A FRIEND FOR HIM. IT IS SIMPLY NOT FAIR. TRUST HER. ASK HER WHY YOU DONT GET TO HANG OUT WITH "D" WITH HER. IF YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HANING WITH THIS "D" KID, THEN YOU GUYS COULD HANG OUT WITH HIM TOGETHER. IF THATS NOT AN OPTION AND SHE NEVER INVITES YOU THEN THERE MAY BE SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT. MAYBE SHE IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU AND DOES NOT WANT TO BE AROUND YOU VERY MUCH AND THIS GUY FRIEND OF HERS COMFORTS HER. I DONT KNOW. JUST TRYING TO HELP. HOPE IT DOES.

[Cecelius]

Mate, only you know what you can and are willing to put up with but for my money:

 

1) She knowingly spends more time with him than you

2) My g/f might have obligations to other things (events, work or whatever) but she'll pretty much try to at least stay the night at my place afterwards

3) If this comforting has been going on for more than about 1 week -- that's insane

4) Why aren't you there? If the goal is to comfort the guy, a cheery bunch of people is better than one person

5) She may be the most trustworthy person on the planet -- they do exist, in which case there is no problem (but its still weird -- she may not cheat on you but who's having your relationship, you or him)

6) A woman in love (or a man for that matter) does not intentionally put herself into situations where something might happen -- emotion charged conversations with a despondent man, a few drinks, a late night -- a kiss that shouldn't have happened, etc. She knows your position and she pretty much told you to live with it.

 

Dump her, move home and find a girl who isn't trying to line up a spare. It's not even like you two spend enough time together for all this to be worth it.