My Story...

[dconway8484]

So, here it is:

First off, I am 26 and my gf is 22.

My girlfriend of a year and a half were living together. I have always had cuckold fantasy (something I never wanted, nor have control of), and she always said that she was cool with it. This fantasy is where you like to fantasize about your girlfriend/wife with other people. She would dirty talk about it, never had a problem with it, and up until our break-up said she was very happy. Then, her friend was getting married. My girlfriend was too cheap to fork over the money for a hotel room, so I went, had fun (dinner, drinks, stayed for a few dances with her), then left. She had to stay because she was a bridesmaid. Apparently, she hit it off with one of the groomsmen, and since the roads had gotten icy, he offered a room to stay in, which she accepted. She stayed in bed with him, clothes on, and they talked and eventually cuddled together. Something that I never said that she could do, despite my fantasies. The next day, she comes back and tells me about it, and then starts acting funny. Need to work on herself, not sure about us, etc. I told her that I think what we have is great and I would support her in working through whatever she needs to.

She keeps on with it for a week, and I get fed up, tell her that we should just be done so that she can figure her stuff out. She then calls me that night and wants to get back together. I was drunk at the time, so I took her back and we had sex. The next day, she starts back up again. I deal with it for the day, she says "I'm just being dumb", etc. Then, the next day, she is on her way back when I realize that she added this guy as a friend on facebook the day we broke up. I freak out, partially because I've been cheated on before and I was scared that it was going to happen again. She said that he's just a friend, and that he'd delete him if I wanted. I told her that she needs to work through what she needs to, and we agree for her to stay at her sister's for a couple days to work things out. I give her some space, she attends therapy, and sends me an e-mail saying that "things are going well", and that "we should talk soon." I call her, and she tells me that she's going on a date with this guy, in order to "get him out of her head" to make sure that we were right for each other. I say, "do whatever you want", but am obviously upset. The next day I text her and tell her that she has to get all of her stuff out of our place by the end of the weekend, we talk, I freak out, "how could you stab me in the heart like this??", along those lines. She texts me and says that she canceled the date because of how much it was hurting me...I don't text back, but I talked to her the next day when she was moving things out and she said that we broke up because of my fantasies, which she never told me that she wasn't okay with. I pretty much broke down at this point, because of the amount of heartache that I have suffered in my life over something that I've never wanted and that God decided to curse me with. To have my girlfriend, that I loved, stripped away from me because of this, it felt even worse. That night, I seriously contemplated suicide, finding out how many of my student loans were co-signed on, calling my family and telling them that I love them, etc. The worst day of my life.

The next day, I send her a general break-up e-mail, saying thanks for our time together, and that I hope to hear from her in a few years to see how she is progressing on achieving her goals, and not to contact me. She doesn't reply, obviously. The next day, I send her an e-mail saying that I've been doing some introspection and that I'm sorry for pushing her away, making her feel unloved, that there might be a chance for us in the future, and I cracked some jokes, which she liked. She didn't respond the next day, I had a class presentation, and I freaked out. I couldn't prepare, my presentation sucked, and I left class early. I called her several times, she finally called me back -- and she came over to talk. I told her that I didn't think I could get through finals like this, and that if she could give us a chance to start over, hang out as friends, and promise not to see anyone until after finals were over, that I would appreciate it very much, even if she left afterwards. She thought about it, saying that she really wanted to make me happy, but she "needed to do this". She told me that if we ever got back together it would be "for the long haul, and that we would get married and have babies." She told me that she loved me, and we kissed, and that "love was never the problem." She didn't give me a "i love you but I'm not in love with you", or anything along those lines. She said that she just needed to get her "fantasies about this guy out of her head". She also told me that she had signed a lease for another apartment. The next morning I woke up, and I realized that it was over. I sent her an e-mail saying that I was sorry for causing her hurt over the past few weeks, thanks for coming over last night because it gave me a lot of closure, and that I hope things work out with the other guy because she deserves to be happy. I haven't talked to her since. Things have been up and down since then. I've started going to therapy to try and get rid of my fantasies, have lost 15 lbs in two weeks, doing what I need to do, but it's just not enough. I feel like a part of me is missing. Her friend came over this morning to our old apartment and picked up some of the stuff she left, and she just looked at me like I was a pity case, asking "are you okay?". Out of emotion I said, "Well, I've been cheated on and dumped for someone else before, so you get used to it."

I need advice, anything. Please. I have a final on Monday, that I can't study for. I am way stressed out and I'm not sure I can make it much longer. It seems like I will never be happy.

Please.

[alli]

I think she decided she didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship anymore because of the other eye candy out there, and she used your fantasy as an excuse to make it your fault (I don't even know what that whatever you call it fantasy is). Breakups suck, and there's not much anyone can say to make you feel better faster. Best thing is to not have any contact with her at all. While it may not be what you want sometimes, it will make you get over it faster than anything else.

[dconway8484]

Twice in a row, long-term relationships (one 2.5 years, one 1.5 years) have ended for me like this. Cheated on and dumped. I just don't see any hope. Is this GIGS? Is there any hope for us to get back together? I realize that I shouldn't want this with the way that she treated me, but I can't help but feel like it was my fault for going to far with my fantasies.

[charity]

if she was uncomfortable with you and your fantasies she would have said something long before this. this is not your fault. she has someone else in her head. that is the issue. she is in the wrong here in how she behaved and that has nothing got to do with your fantasies. i'm sorry. i know this is soooo hard.i would have more respect for her if she just admitted that she has lost feelings for you. instead she has sort of kept you on a long leash which is not fair.

[dconway8484]

Thank you. I feel like our break-up would have gone much smoother if she had just said that she was young and she had feelings for someone else and needed to date around. Instead by saying what she did she sent me into a deep depression which caused me to "need to talk to her" to figure out how I could fix what I asked her to do. It really * * * * ed with my head, especially considering I have been so insecure about it for my entire life. At the very least, out of all of this I have started speaking to a counselor about where it comes from and how I can have a healthy relationship with it. So some good comes out of everything I guess.

[charity]

jeez we all have weird fantasies anyway.

[ForumGuy]

The timing bites on this one with finals and all. Some people never grow out of this. I think it is a pattern with yours since she said "we will be together for the long haul if we ever get together again" (or something like that). I have read so many stories on here about GIGS. Once they realize the grass isn't greener, they want to come back to what they know. Who knows. You are doing the right thing, as much as it hurts, by cutting contact and moving on painfully but surely. It is the best way. Good luck with the finals and maybe keep the next term relationship-free.

[dconway8484]

Do you think that ex's drop lines like "if we get back together we'll get married" to keep you around, or to lessen the blow? Like, they think the person they broke up with needs some sort of hope.

It's sad that I tried to be as open and honest as I possibly could about my idiosyncrasies and she used it against me. My goal is to not let this deter me from being "who I am" with partners in the future.

[ForumGuy]

I think they do it to keep you around, just from my experience. Most people are basically selfish, looking out for #1, and keeping you around is in her best interest since she still loves you, but this inner voice is nagging her about the other guy. She wants her cake and to eat it too (that line never made much sense to me, of course if you have cake...you want to eat it!)