Can straight women and Lesbian women be friends?

[Lucy__lou]

Is it possible for a Lesbian woman and a straight woman to be friends? In my experience, these friendships seem to fail a lot.

 

I need help understanding this, if anyone can offer any insight, because I've lost 3 female friends due to men coming between us.

 

I hope my experience is not a reflection on how the world really is. I hope I'm just having a bad run.

 

For me, I find that I’ll be friends with a straight girl, (and fyi, these are women that I value, but have no desire to be more than friends with), but even still, I find that even when I don’t want to date these girls, that I will still want to be closer to them than they do to me, and that I want them to focus on me fully when they’re with me, and that’s what often ruins the friendship, because too often, these women disappoint.

 

Is it too much to ask that a woman I’m friends with gives me her undivided attention when she’s with me? I find that my experience with straight women is that they often

just use other women, like to have company to go out somewhere, but they don’t really value you.

 

Is it just me? Am I just having bad luck not finding any female friends who value me? or is it just really common for straight women to take their female friends for granted, and allow a man (any man) to come between them at the drop of a hat.

 

I know I’m not being very specific here, but there have been three women in my life (straight women) who I’ve fallen out with because they allowed a man to take their attention from me.

 

The only friendships that have stuck have been with Lesbian or Bisexual women. Only they seem to be able to make me their focus for any fixed period of time. Only these women seem capable of being in the moment when they're with me.

 

At the moment I’m thinking it would be healthier to not try to be friends with straight women. Even when I don’t fancy them, it makes me crazy to see a woman to choose to pay more attention to some guy than me. Any thoughts?

[SapphireNoir10]

One of my best friends is a lesbian and we get on great and theirs no strangeness ever. So I think, yes they can. I've known her for like eight years.

[CSLX9]

Of course it's possible, what are you thinking!

You sound like such an attention-seeker.

Do you honestly expect undivided attention???

That's a bit unreasonable is it not.

[DeadbySunset]

It depends. The same argument could be made for can a woman and a man be friends or can a gay man and straight man be friends. In some cases, yeah a lesbian and a straight woman can be friends. Although I would think as the years progress, the lesbian might feel something more for the straight woman and want to pursue it. I have seen it happen personally, although not with women. It happened to me where I was friends with a gay guy. We started out as friends, then as the years progressed he started to like me more than just being his friend.

 

So I would say that is possible.

[Normand]

Friendships are not investment ventures; if a friendship ends for one reason or another, just think of it as having run its course, not some kind of failure or dysfunction of yours. People do tend to divert their interest and time for friends away when they start a new relationship or confirmed a new romantic interest. In fact, there is even a saying in my culture for this sort of thing. So, it's really not about what you're doing wrong. And speaking from my experience, people do not change in this regard.

I would recommend befriending a group of friends, or a circle, so to speak. And don't think of your friends' lapse of attention as a personal affront, because it's mostly likely to be biological, and not intentional.

[bulletproof]

Unfortunately for you, when a person is in a relationship (male or female, straight or gay), the partner takes precedence over the friends. Some people are better at navigating this than others. But if you find yourself as the common denominator in three failed friendships, then I'd say that you are asking too much of people. However, you've chosen to view the commonality as heterosexuality, and I don't think that's fair nor does it seem accurate.

[Grown]

Finding a friend that's going to give you their undivided attention is going to be hard to find. As Normand said, it's pretty common not to have the same amount of time to spend with friends when you're in a brand new relationship. It's to be expected - gay or straight.

I think you're being unreasonable to even expect undivided attention from a friend. That's something more common to demand in a relationship. Maybe you don't fancy these women but you're accustomed to undivided attention when you're hanging with a woman. Have you ever tried befriending men? If so, did the same thing happen?

 

It is highly IMprobable that any one is going to give you undivided attention - even lovers. People have other things going on besides your friendship/relationship babe.

[Lucy__lou]

Of course it's possible, what are you thinking!

You sound like such an attention-seeker.

Do you honestly expect undivided attention???

That's a bit unreasonable is it not.

 

Yeah, I think I have a problem with not being the centre of attention. Generally I cope with this by not being around anyone. That way I don't have to endure the rejection.

[Scotty123]

I think it is very possible too. I have a number of straight friends, the closest being friends I have known for more than ten years. But for all of us kids and other family issues take up alot of time so I don't have a hugh amount of contact with them. But if I was ever in real trouble these would be the people I would depend on.

 

However the people I spend most time with are my gay friends, mostly because they live locally. But a number of them have come and gone due to one of them sleeping with an old ex !!

 

I guess everything is about balance but I wouldn't say it has anything to do with being gay or straight

[pl3asehelp]

I think what you're describing can be attributed more to single people, not just lesbians. Many times single people looking for either a relationship or just to get laid will make this the overwhelming focus of their life. I've had many a guy friend who is not fun to hang out with at all because it's all about getting laid anywhere you go with them. No matter what you're doing, if they see a shot at getting laid, that becomes the priority. It's no fun to try to be friends with someone like this. I don't expect undivided attention from a friend, but at least some consideration. And to some guys, as soon as they see the opportunity to get laid, they will do WHATEVER it takes, including ditching you for the night, stranding you without a ride, whatever it may be.

[Lovestoned26]

From what I gather, you're asking your friends to make certain sacrifices for the friendship but you're not willing to do the same?...Bottom line, you get what you give. So if you continue to (pardon my French) half-ass your relationships then get used to that revolving door. Change is hard and I'm sure your friends are missing you more than you think. Maybe you should reach out and talk it over, they may just surprise you.

[Lovelace]

1. I know it's possible. I'm good friends with a bi-girl (probably more than 1, come to think of it), and we're good to go. We each give each other A LOT of space, and she's never hit on me (which would be one of the few things that would drive a wedge between us).

 

2. As others have mentioned, when your friend is in a new relationship, it's normal for them to take much of what used to be your time, and they instead spend it with their new guy/girl. Some people are not very accepting of this, but it's to be expected. Who should take priority in your life: your good friend, or your potential life-long mate? That's not to say you don't deserve some attention from a friend, but it's difficult for a lot of people to balance a passionate new relationship with old friends. Give it a few months, and they'll start coming around again. If you can't last a few months, then there's something off about this.

[stormie]

Yes, they can be "just friends".

 

As for what you feel, well, most of it can be insecurity. These feelings are something that you carry internally - like an emotional need that was not met ever since you were young. I think you are searching to be loved by them - and not necessarily in a sexual way, but in an affectionate way. There is nothing wrong with that, but the feelings can be overwhelming at times- and you're right, they can cause you to lose your friendships.

 

How to get rid of those feelings is actually the opposite of what you're doing. You cannot isolate yourself, otherwise your emotional needs will not be met. And I have news for you - we all need friends and people for support.

 

What you need to do is form strong "sisterhoods" for friends. But the trick is that you can't emphasize on one person only - it is important that you make several friends at once and depend on them like a carpenter uses different tools to do a job. You have to allow yourself to be loved by more than one person.

[mgirl]

God, well, that's just low. I have decided not to tolerate that from a friend as they're not a real friend to you. They are using you until something / somebody "better" comes along.

 

I think what you're describing can be attributed more to single people, not just lesbians. Many times single people looking for either a relationship or just to get laid will make this the overwhelming focus of their life. I've had many a guy friend who is not fun to hang out with at all because it's all about getting laid anywhere you go with them. No matter what you're doing, if they see a shot at getting laid, that becomes the priority. It's no fun to try to be friends with someone like this. I don't expect undivided attention from a friend, but at least some consideration. And to some guys, as soon as they see the opportunity to get laid, they will do WHATEVER it takes, including ditching you for the night, stranding you without a ride, whatever it may be.

[lovekare]

I am a lesbian and my best friend is straight. We have a great friendship, and I honestly dont feel any romantic feelings towards her. There are some awkward moments sometimes, however. we used to work together, and i was kinda "talking" to one of our coworkers who was a lesbian. she started having a crush on my friend and texting her late at night if they could "hang out" without me. my friend got upset because the girl told her that everyone assumed she was at least bi because she was my bff and i was gay. it was annoying. other than that is cool. i do wish she would go to a gay club with me every once in a while, since i have to endure straight clubs and dudes hitting on me, but she says that would confirm her "lesbian reputation". so I guess other people make it awkward. she gets undressed in front of me and so do i and its never weird. we have been friends for like 3 years now, and I'm pretty sure shes not even bi curious, but gay girls always think she is because we are friends and hit on her. so if you can deal with some annoying situations it works out. I think its harder for the straight girl than for the lesbian, but maybe thats just us.

[abitbroken]

I would not focus on "one friend" or be out to find a straight friend. Be friendly with a variety of people or just accept plans/invites from several friends. This way, the friend doesn't feel uncomfortable about your focus on only them and you have a chance to meet friends that you are more compatible with because you are open to a few different people rather than just one. And let the relationship develop naturally into a friendship. Most friends don't "break up" with their friends. Its an ongoing situation of being real close, being busy, being less close, being real close because of stuff that happens in life. If friends are giving you a definite boot, something specific happened or you were too intense or clingy