Questions to ask prior to reconciling

[The_Seeker]

i personally would start new.

with the ex there's the advantage that you know the person already,so let's say they're 60% perfect and 40% they're not,so if they use the time to better themselves(fix the problems they're dealing with emotionally to be a better person in general) than you might have a 87% perfect match.

 

for example: you have a car that you love a lot,but it needs some fixing. what would you prefer do do? fix the car that you love or buy the exact same car from somewhere else without knowing what problems you might get down the road?

of course people are not to be compared to cars ,it's just the same idea

 

;] depends on how much they cost and if i can afford the time, energy, and love that won't be wasted away.

[gallop30]

Seeker,you're such a smart ass

[The_Seeker]

Seeker,you're such a smart ass

 

im just a troublemaker.

 

;] tsk tsk tsk, you know you love me! ;]

[SA2000]

I agree that it's easier to start new with someone else but people give up way too easily these days. I'm someone who'd rather have a few really deep relationships with people around me then lots o acquaintances. I'd rather figure out what the problem is and solve it then just continuously jumping ship every time something happens that I don't like. The ex and I definatley needed to break up. Atleast I did. As painful as it is I needed this time alone to grow. Had this not happened I would have continued to be unhappy until I got to a point where I would have had no hope in relationships as a whole. I needed this time as much as she did. I was just to stubborn to walk out myself. When I am ready I hope she is available because we have A LOT in common. I'd rather be with someone I know I can connect with then date other people and search for and settle for a lesser connection.

 

I guess our view on the world is based on our own perception. I am a big optimist. If your view is different I can respect that. Sociologists can argue that society is one way or another but my view of the world could be vastly different then others based on the environment inwhich I was raised. Thus making my perception of the world around me completely different. The pound of this thread is to say here is one way to make things work if given the opportunity. It's not to say follow these steps to get your ex back. In the original post I sat you should look at your values to decide if you can or should work things out. If you value someone who never leaves highly then according to your values you should never reconcile with anyone. My values are allowing people to make mistakes as long as they learn from them. If my ex comes back saying she made a huge mistake and that she never stopped loving me I will forgive her. It's nice to have a road map to how to go about reconciliation if that is a possibility instead of trying to figure things out on your own. That's my perception atleast.

[SA2000]

Either way I'll do what makes me happy. That's the ultimate goal right?

[The_Seeker]

Either way I'll do what makes me happy. That's the ultimate goal right?

 

SA2000, i totally get what you mean. lol your post was too long and i was lazy to copy and paste.

 

basically you want someone who wants to be able to fight with you with in the same boxing ring no matter what. that's cool

[gallop30]

i love everybody on this board,especially the ones that need help. they need a lot of love and affection.

i was reading on ena when i dumped my girl of 6 years to see if i made the right choice ,and it helped me a lot

i would like to return the favor,even if i didn't ask for advice ,i saw how many "strangers" try to help each other out and i think that's worth a BIG BIG APPLAUSE and a sincere THANK YOU.

i'm a troublemaker myself "my love"

[The_Seeker]

i love everybody on this board,especially the ones that need help. they need a lot of love and affection.

i was reading on ena when i dumped my girl of 6 years to see if i made the right choice ,and it helped me a lot

i would like to return the favor,even if i didn't ask for advice ,i saw how many "strangers" try to help each other out and i think that's worth a BIG BIG APPLAUSE and a sincere THANK YOU.

i'm a troublemaker myself "my love"

 

Why did you break up with your girl of 6 years? That poor girl!

 

Did you think you made the right choice?

 

Ha ha, yea but I got the skillz to bring "sexy back."

[xyxyxy]

it happened to me....the getting back together too quick. We we're together 8 yrs. We took a break of only 3 wks. We started dating to reconnect. We did. Things were good a while. But we never really talked about why we took the break. And we became complacent. We hadn't gotten ourselves back together as individuals. And here I am now a yr and a half later.....1 mth post breakup. I totally believe we still love each other and should have been able to work it out. But we got back together before we were ready to really communicate and work thru the issues I think.

[The_Seeker]

So do you guys suggest we should be years apart before getting back together? LOL

 

I think it's better if I dated other people and then go back to the beginning.

[faithful14]

i don't think you need to YEARS apart, just however long it will take for you and your s.o. to realize their mistakes and work on it. For some people, it might take 6 months, some might be a year or two.

 

You just have to be really sure that the old problems are not going to lead you to another break up and make sure that you both are commited to making it work again.

 

p.s. there's nothing wrong with dating other people as a way to compare if the person you're dating is better for you or if your possibly new and improved ex is better for you.

[The_Seeker]

i don't think you need to YEARS apart, just however long it will take for you and your s.o. to realize their mistakes and work on it. For some people, it might take 6 months, some might be a year or two.

 

You just have to be really sure that the old problems are not going to lead you to another break up and make sure that you both are commited to making it work again.

 

p.s. there's nothing wrong with dating other people as a way to compare if the person you're dating is better for you or if your possibly new and improved ex is better for you.

 

How do you bring about this?

 

Thanks for the P.S. It made me feel better, faithful!

[gallop30]

she broke up with me in summer(not attracted,not in love,she said she liked some other guy etc etc),and we got back after 6 weeks apart (way too early)without working on our problems. she asked me if i was happy in my relationship prior to that,and i told her yes,even if i really wasn't,stubbornness i guess.

 

after only 2 month of reconciliation,i broke it off and told her that we need a longer break,2 months cannot fix all the problems that build up during the past 6 years and to evaluate things.

[gallop30]

she broke up with me in summer(not attracted,not in love,she said she liked some other guy etc etc),and we got back after 6 weeks apart (way too early)without working on our problems. prior to that she asked me if i was happy in the relationship ,and i told her yes,even if i really wasn't,stubbornness i guess.

 

after only 2 month of reconciliation,i broke it off and told her that we need a longer break,2 months cannot fix all the problems that build up during the past 6 years and to evaluate things.

[The_Seeker]

she broke up with me in summer(not attracted,not in love,she said she liked some other guy etc etc),and we got back after 6 weeks apart (way too early)without working on our problems. prior to that she asked me if i was happy in the relationship ,and i told her yes,even if i really wasn't,stubbornness i guess.

 

after only 2 month of reconciliation,i broke it off and told her that we need a longer break,2 months cannot fix all the problems that build up during the past 6 years and to evaluate things.

 

that's horrible.... poor you gallop30. not poor ex.

 

i guess it just shows me i need to be further apart.

 

thanks for the life lesson! appreciate it

[gallop30]

no no ,not poor me. i broke up with her 4 times for the same reasons. now were 4:1 for gallop

[gallop30]

i left her alone ,but she kept bugging me to get back. i wasn't upset or anything(maybe a lil bit)

i just think that time tells a lot,fixes,and forgives mistakes that brought the break up

[faithful14]

I don't know how to bring about it...I guess you can factor in time apart will help you think about what you did wrong and how you would like to proceed if given another chance; dating someone else; read self help and relationship books; it probably helps if your around friends and family that are in healthy relationships- gives you a good idea about what you want your own relationship to be like...

 

That's all I can think of for now....

[The_Seeker]

I don't know how to bring about it...I guess you can factor in time apart will help you think about what you did wrong and how you would like to proceed if given another chance; dating someone else; read self help and relationship books; it probably helps if your around friends and family that are in healthy relationships- gives you a good idea about what you want your own relationship to be like...

 

That's all I can think of for now....

 

We need a Mathematician to come up with an equation formula, huh? LOL

 

Thanks for your advice!

[SA2000]

Im almost back to being me again. I think that you cant/shouldn't get back into a relationship until you have found yourself again. Thats the main point here. Work on you and use what ever you need to use to become the best person you can for yourself. If that is hope or anger or whatever thats fine. As long as the long term outcome is you becoming someone you really love. Once that happens then you can think about recon vs. finding someone new. Either way if you don't take the time alone to be happy with yourself again ANY relationship you enter will not be a good one. Whether it be new or renewed. I would think the steps to reconciliation would be easy if you could honestly walk into it the same way you walked into the relationship which is with your head high and knowledge that you are perfectly fine either way.

[blueberrypie]

I really needed to hear this today. =)

[resilient7]

I like to use the anger to finally finding myself and being the best me I can possibly be,and nothing is going to get in the way of that.

[xyxyxy]

My advise wld just be that the time you need is personal...you need however much time it takes to find any pieces of yourself and your independence and confidence that u think you lost along the way. And when you do try again...try really hard not to become complacent and go down the same path. You have to do something different to end up with a different result. Try to communicate to make sure you both are working to make sure the same isues do not occcur. Its easy to go with the flow and end up in the same place. Don't take each other for granted. At some point you have to discuss the issues of the past to be sure you don't go down the same road.

[harsh284]

Hi- You seem to be quite experienced - Can you please advise/guide/help me?? Please - I really need some guidance to get back with my GF