My boyfriend is ignoring me and it's really frustrating

[athena3]

Hi all,

 

so brief history, dating my boyfriend for two years, rocky at times because of long distance (he has to go to Japan for a few months every few months - I'm in Canada) and personality clashes. we broke up 4 months ago and got back together after a month. He's broken up with me 3 times, but all in the middle of fights. He always ends up coming back, and I know with all my heart he loves me, it's just our fights get so frustrating someetimes....and we both deal with things immaturely. The last breakup seemed to change him, he apologized for the way he treated me and dealt with fights.

 

recently, we got into a fight because I wanted reassurance when he was really busy with work (right now it's long d). The fight started because we hadn't talked much in a week, and I was expressing my upsetness about that, and then he totally stonewalled me and said he doesn't have the time for this. The fight really got out of hand because he ended up swearing at me and hanging up our skype call...he apologized a few hours later in email.

 

A day later, after I wasn't as angry, I talked to him, but again the conversation went nowhere...and now he's plain ignoring me. I'm so frustrated because there's no way I can reach him, he can turn off his skype and in that way totally ignore me. It angers me so much because we got back together on the premise that we would try harder and be more understanding during fights. Yet this fight, he totally shut me out, and is continuing to shut me out...and he feels justified in ignoring me and hanging up on me. I don't know how to get through to him, and I don't know how to calm down. I'm on the brink of just breaking up with him, but I know this might be me overreacting. Any suggestions or perspective?

[geekgirl4]

If he really is super busy, that's probably a big contributor of why he isn't talking to you right now. Fights with your partner is unbelievably draining and really preoccupies the mind. I think the fight is taking a back seat while he is busy like this. What sort of reassurances were you wanting from him while he was busy? Couldn't you two have compromised by fitting in an email at least once a day letting them know what's going in life, etc.? Long distance is really really tough, and it requires a lot of flexibility and understanding. Is he constantly super busy or is it just this past week or two?

[lavenderdove]

Exactly how many fights do you have? If you are fighting all the time, then perhaps it is a sign that you aren't compatible... you shouldn't strive to be 'more understanding' during fights, you should strive to resolve your differences by negotiating rather than fighting.

 

It is wrong of him to just cut you off, but it may be because he doesn't want endless dumping of negative emotions on him... yes, long distance is hard, but if you need constant reassurance, that is your problem not his, and you need to apply the principle that if you want him to talk to you, he'll be more likely to want to talk to you if you are upbeat and 'normal' acting rather than always down and depressed about the distance and dumping negative emotions on him.

 

If you want him to talk to you, i'd resolve to stop dumping negative emotions on him, and to stop expecting him to 'fix' your feelings when you're sad and unhappy. Many women confuse the purpose of a partner, and feel they should be able to cry in his lap whenever they're having a negative emotion or bad day. That sets up a dynamic where he will start to get angry being put into a role of always having to comfort you for something that is not his fault, or to be your 'daddy' who has to constantly say, 'there there baby, i'm sorry you're having a bad day' while he listens to a long recital of your emotional feelings.

 

So you probably need to work on recognizing that he is not required to fix your feelings nor provide constant reassurance to fix your feelings. If you have lots of negative emotions, learn healthy ways of dealing with them like exercising, doing something fun rather than dwelling on things.

 

So set a goal to rain no negative emotions on him at all for one month... just be pleasant and deal with your own feelings, and don't have any more 'relationship' talks or long 'i miss you baby and i feel so blue' type talks. Send him an email and apologize for expecting him to fix your feelings and for dumping your negative emotions on him, and you perhaps might hear from him again!

[athena3]

When I woke up, he was still busy working (there's a 13 hr time difference), and he mildly acknowledged my presence. So I said,'you're not making time for '....and at that point, he took off his earphones and continued to work and ignore me....and things escalated very quickly because I did not handle that well AT all! I know...fights really are so draining for me, but it felt like, he could have easily said a few sentences, like "I'm very busy, but I'll make time for you once I'm done', instead of just completely ignoring me.

 

It's hard to get through to him. I have asked for more structure...like emails or a set time to talk each day...or if he's really busy, every few days...but he never follows through with anything I suggest. Usually he's pretty busy. He's occupied with his PhD...so he works from when he wakes up to about 11pm at night. Sometimes he does have time to talk to me, and we'll talk for half an hour or an hour, or watch a couple online TV shows together.

 

I'm just so frustrated because he decided to take the easy route, to just avoid everything to do with me, and focus on his work...and I know he'll come back to me after his big stresses are out of the way, expecting me to just be 'happy' that he has more time for me. It's so hard for me to let things go when he never properly apologizes for things or acknowledges where he's done wrong.

[athena3]

lavendardove, thanks for your input. Though I do think you are assuming I am constantly negative and dumping on him the responsibility to fulfill all my needs and reassure me. he's been away for 2 months, and we have fought a handful of times, none of them serious except this time. I know I've been a lot more demanding of him in the past, but recently, I think I've tried to be a whole lot more understanding. We have conversations every few days, on the days we don't get to talk, we'll exchange some lovey dovey notes. I've been filling up my time with lots of work and hanging out with my friends, and am generally, not so needy and demanding of his time or attention.

 

I know it would help...if I apologized for dumping my negativity on him, because I do that at times, I must admit..it's one of those lifelong issues I'll be working on. But at the same time, I don't think it's really all my fault that he reacted this way. He was really stressed out (which I didn't know), and he took out his stress on me. I feel like, if I send him an apology note and accept full blame, he can take this and step all over me. He's been rude and cold and distant in the past, and I've enabled him in the past to treat me this way, because I'm always the one to apologize first, even if he's the only to blow up at me.

[DylanNotorious]

Personally I don't think the guy would have time to talk to you as often as you'd like - when he is in Japan.

 

I think you need to work on your insecurity - because it's driving him away.

 

If he has to go to Japan constantly, then this will make or break the relationship, because if you can-not handle the LDR thing during those times, it simply will not work.

[athena3]

I guess everyone is saying the same thing, I need to work it out on my own! I just don't understand, what is the line between asking for too much reassurance and asking for the right amount. Please point out what it is in what I said that shows I'm asking for too much (Not trying to be defensive, I actually really do want to know!).

 

And you're right Dylan, this long distance issue has been the cause of a lot of our past fights. I'm still not convinced though, that I should be the one to submit to his will.

[lavenderdove]

If someone has sufficient self confidence and love and respect for their partner, then they don't need reassurance.

 

So it is either something you need to work on (being OK by yourself, not worrying about him loving you and needing him to constantly prove it), or else you don't really trust that he loves you, which means he is either doing something that means he shouldn't be trusted, or you can't trust anybody (which means you need to work on learning to let go and trust those who are behaving in a trustworthy manner).

 

All 'i love yous' should be voluntary... i.e., you shouldn't be trying to get him to say something he doesn't feel.

 

You need to learn to give 'I' statements about feeling as in, 'i feel afraid when you don't call me much' rather than blaming statements that start with 'you' as in, 'you don't pay enough attention to me.' The first states YOUR feelings and let's him know what is going on, and the second is a blaming statement that makes out he is being wrong and orders him to do something to fix your feelings.

 

Whenever you feel needy, stop and ask yourself, what has changed? Is it just my mood or emotion, or is he genuinely not behaving well or has changed his behavior in a negative way? If it's just a passing mood or loneliness, there's nothing he can do about it so don't turn it into a downer of a conversation becuase you're feeling lonely or moody. Specifically DON'T call him when you're feeling that way and you'll avoid fights. Only call him when you're feeling up.

 

And if it turns out that what he offers you is not enough to keep you happy, then perhaps you shouldn't be together and a long distance relationship just doesn't work for you, and he needs more independence than you want to give him.

 

Otherwise you need to work on being happy when you call him and stop raining 'you don't do this or that' on his head. He is who he is, and telling him that won't change his behavior. And if his behavior really doesn't work for you after asking him nicely to call you more often or whatever, then perhaps he just isn't the guy for you and is not that into you....

[Ms Darcy]

And you're right Dylan, this long distance issue has been the cause of a lot of our past fights. I'm still not convinced though, that I should be the one to submit to his will.

 

I don't think you have to be convinced. Relationships have a way of "self-correcting" through break ups. I am concerned that on one of these breakups he's just not going to come back. One thing I can point out to you if that if he does ignore you, which is not good, YOU still have control over yourself. You don't need to flip out. That can make you look like you have insecurities.

 

I would suggest honestly talking to him about expectations for communication. You can ask for more structure, but you can't expect it. You both have to compromise. If he can't give you the time you want and need, you really should walk away. It's not fair to either of you to keep bringing up complaints about him not spending enough time with you.

 

Good luck.

[thejigsup]

Honey, he's doing his PhD! He DOESN'T have time for much besides that. I'm only doing my Master's thesis and I didn't eat dinner until after ten o'clock tonight. Your thesis is your LIFE! Let him be for now. He doesn't have time for petty quarrels that go nowhere. Time is precious to him right now and he doesn't have enough for his PhD. and you. Take a back seat for awhile and let him work, he will love you for it.

[athena3]

Thanks for everyone's input! It helps having your perspectives.

 

You make some good points, lavenderdove, I do have issues of distrust that stem from my upbringing, and they always bleed into my relationships. I was slowly learning to trust my boyfriend, he was really great towards me, but as his PhD got busier and his patience waned, and our fights blew out of proportion, we ended up breaking up 3 times. Now I'm not blaming him for my lack of trust in him...but I still haven't let go of the pain and contradictions and resentment from the breakups, so sometimes I feel my asking for his reassurance stems from that. Subsequently, every big fight we have, all these emotions from past hurts come flooding in, and I don't know how to temper them.

 

I find when I'm upset and I'm not thinking clearly, I more likely use the 'You' blaming statements, and I think it stems from a place of pride and insecurity, I'd rather not show my vulnerability so instead I show my anger. I know it sounds bad, but it's something I'm working on.

 

Honestly, I can see that he gives me as much time as is possible in his busy schedule. Even when he is busy, he'll call me on Skype just because he likes my presence or he wants to see me sleeping. We actually haven't fought very much during this stay of his in Japan, and it's because either one of us are able to stay calm. This time however, the fight started so quickly because he wouldn't listen to me after the first sentence I uttered, and I threatened a break up (I know, overreaction) because of this. This is the longest we haven't talked during a fight, though I see that he leaves Skype on over (his) night - he usually does this because he wants me to call him when he's sleeping.

 

Maybe I am not understanding enough of him? He told me recently that I 'broke' him, in the sense that I was the first girlfriend that brought out his emotional side (he's normally very controlled and unemotional)...and because these emotions are so new to him, he doesn't always handle it well.

 

I just can't get over the way he treated me during this fight, he swore at me, hung up on me, and said some pretty spiteful things ...such as I'm ruining his life, and I make him have no life (not true, because I have a full life myself and I don't stop him from being active or hanging out with his friends, he makes his own decisions). He also acts really condescending and admits no fault, and points all blame to me...i.e. he wouldn't have acted this way if I didn't do this or that (to me a total cop-out). And this is how nasty he gets during all the bad fights. I never treat him with the same kind of disrespect...moreover, we've talked about his nastiness in fights, and when we got back together after our last break up, he told me how many nights he cried over the way he treated me and hurt me...and wanted to be a better person.

 

Mr. Darcy, it's too late! haha, I already reacted to being ignored, but I guess I can salvage some self-respect by respecting his wishes to not speak for a few more days...and jsut going about my own life. I start to overanalyze what is going on in his head though..and I always assume the worst, so I don't know how to keep these thoughts in check. I don't like that he always calls the shots in our fights, I'm the type that yearns to get over a fight before going to bed at night, but he's completely ok with it sitting and stewing...

 

When I am calm (as in now!), I realize that I am perfectly content with the time he gives me. However, what I do want with him is more communication and more emotional support. He always tells me that after his PhD, he'll be able to dedicate more time to working on us, and he'll be more patient and more communicative...but I've always been told to not bank on future promises.

 

And thejigsup, actually, I'm currently writing my Master's thesis too, so I know I am already devoting too much time to our relationship. I'm very relationship-oriented, and I find that fights and disagreements affect me so deeply that I can't concentrate on my work I do get that he is extremely busy, but I don't accept his behaviour when we fight...and I do take a back seat most times. It's just when we're fighting, and I really want to fix things, that I demand more efforts from him.

 

He's coming back next Sunday, and it just makes me really sad that we're fighting like this. Things were great for much of the last 2 months he was away, and then at the very last moment, things sour, and now it will taint his arrival...I don't even know if I'm looking forward to his return. We're supposed to be living together when he comes back, but I keep thinking, how can we if we continue these bad fights.

[athena3]

oh my, didn't realize my reply was so long. sorry everybody!

[lavenderdove]

You can stop this fighting anytime you want... just start being really honest with your feelings, as in, 'i feel very insecure due to the distance and i'm sorry that i constantly try to get you to prove your love for me... i'll try really hard not to do that in future...'

 

Then start practicing that... if you find yourself overly emotional or feeling lonely... resist the temptation to blame him for the distance or for the fact that he is busy on his Ph.D.

 

And make a new policy to NOT fight or blame each other for the distance or lack of time together. If you feel a fight starting, just tell him, 'i'm feeling emotional right now, so let's talk later when i'm more grounded...'